In the wild, there is no health care. In the wild, health care is, 'Ow, I hurt my leg. I can't run. A lion eats me. I'm dead.' Well, I'm not dead. I'm the lion. You're dead.

Michael: Here's the thing. Chili's is the new golf course. It's where business happens. Small Business Man Magazine.
Jan: It said that?
Michael: It will. I sent it in. Letter to the editor.

Would I rather be feared or loved? Umm... easy, both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.

Right now this is just a job. If I advance any higher in this company, this would be my career. And, uh, if this were my career, I'd have to throw myself in front of a train.

Eddie: Well, well. Steve Sax, from New York City.
Lou: I heard some guy got killed in New York City and they never solved the case. But you wouldn't know anything about that now, would you, Steve?
Steve Sax: But there are hundreds of unsolved murders in New York City.
Lou: You don't know when to keep your mouth shut, do you, Saxxy Boy?

A 30-year mortgage at Michael's age essentially means that he's buying a coffin. If I were buying my coffin, I would get one with thicker walls so I couldn't hear the other dead people.

Dwight: Through concentration, I can raise and lower my cholesterol at will.
Pam: Why would you want to raise your cholesterol?
Dwight: So I can lower it.

When I was Ryan's age, I worked in a fast food restaurant to save up money for school. And then I lost it in a pyramid scheme, but I learned more about business right then and there than business school would ever teach me - or Ryan would ever teach me.

Wow, what an ending! Who'd have thought that Darth Vader was Luke Skywalker's father?

Your guilty consciences may force you to vote Democratic, but deep in your hearts you long for a cold, Republican leader who'll cut taxes, brutalize criminals, and rule you like a king!

First, let me assure you that this is not one of those shady pyramid schemes you've been hearing about. No sir. Our model is the trapezoid!

Marge: So, Mr. Hutz, does my husband have a case?
Hutz: I'm sorry, Mrs. Simpson, but you can't copyright a drink.
Homer: Oh!
Hutz: This all goes back to the Frank Wallbanger case of '78. How about that! I looked something up! These books behind me don't just make the office look good, they're filled with useful legal tidbits just like that!

Well, you know, we're always buying Maggie vaccinations for diseases she doesn't even have.

Oh, Marge. You're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

What makes you think this Darryl Strawberry character is better than you?

Homer: Hello, my name is Mr. Burns. I believe you have a letter for me.
Postal Worker: Okay, Mr. Burns, uh, what's your first name?
Homer: I... don't know.

Marge, you're my wife, I love you very much, but you're living in a world of make-believe! With flowers and bells and leprechauns and magic frogs with funny little hats.

Fat Tony is a cancer on this fair city. He is the cancer, and I am the... um... What cures cancer?

Lisa: Excuse me, Mr. Hutz. Are you a shyster?
Lionel Hutz: How does a nice little girl like you know a big word like that?

Hutz is the name, Mr. Simpson. Lionel Hutz, attorney-at-law. Here's my card. It turns into a sponge when you put it in water.