Quotes by Homer Simpson

Homer: Barney, where have you been?
Barney: All I can remember about the last two months is giving a guest lecture at Villanova. Or maybe it was a street corner.

Homer: Now, what do you have to wash that awful taste out of my mouth?
Khlav Kalash Vendor: Mountain Dew or Crab Juice.
Homer: Blecch! Ew! Sheesh! I'll take a crab juice.

It may be on a lousy channel, but The Simpsons are on TV!

Are you tired of having your hands cut off by snowblowers? And the inevitable heart attacks that come with shoveling snow?

Do you come with the car?

Bart, Homer: You don't win friends with salad! You don't win friends with salad! You don't win friends with salad...

Homer: Are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Ham?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Pork chops?
Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal.
Homer: Heh heh heh. Ooh, yeah, right, Lisa. A wonderful, magical animal.

Reverend Lovejoy: Homer, I'd like you to remember Matthew 7:26. "The foolish man who built his house upon the sand."
Homer: And you remember ... Matthew... 21:17.
Reverend Lovejoy: "And he left them and went out of the city, into Bethany, and he lodged there?"
Homer: Yeah. Think about it.

Uh, Lisa, the whole reason we have elected officials is so we don't have to think all the time. Just like that rainforest scare a few years back. Our officials saw there was a problem and they fixed it, didn't they?

TV Weatherman: There's a 75% chance of hilarity!
Homer: I like those odds.

Homer: I've gone back to the time when dinosaurs weren't just confined to zoos! OK, don't panic -- remember the advice your father gave you on your wedding day.
[In Homer's Memory:]
Grampa: If you ever travel back in time, don't step on anything because even the tiniest change can alter the future in ways you can't imagine.

In America, first you get the sugar, then you get the power, then you get the women.

Homer: And you didn't think I'd make any money. I found a dollar while I was waiting for the bus.
Marge: While you were out "earning" that dollar, you lost forty dollars by not going to work. The plant called and said if you don't come in tomorrow, don't bother coming in Monday.
Homer: Woo hoo! A four-day weekend.

Kids, you tried your best, and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Marge, I agree with you... in theory. In theory, communism works.

Marge... I think I hate Ted Koppel! No, wait, I find him informative and witty.

Mr. Simpson, don't you worry. I watched Matlock in a bar last night. The sound wasn't on, but I think I got the gist of it.

Homer: See, I've got this friend named... Joey Joe Joe Junior... Shabadoo?
Moe: That's the worst name I've ever heard.
[A man runs out of the bar in tears]
Barney: Hey, Joey Joe Joe!

Homer: Aw, twenty dollars...I wanted a peanut!
Homer's brain: Twenty dollars can buy many peanuts!
Homer: Explain how.
Homer's brain: Money can be exchanged for goods and services.

Stupid TV! Be more funny!

Homer: Look, the important thing is that we all learned a lesson. These guys learned the richness and variety of the world outside college.
Nerd: No we didn't.
Homer: Oh. Then I learned the real value of college is to study, and work hard.
Lisa: No you didn't. You only passed your course by cheating, which you always taught us was wrong.
Homer: Hmm... true.

Marge: An A+! How did you do it?
Homer: Oh, let's just say I had help from a little magic box.
Marge: You changed your grade with a computer?
Homer: D'oh!

I am so smart! I am so smart! S-M-R-T! I mean, S-M-A-R-T...

Marge: Homer, there's a family of possums in here.
Homer: I call the big one "Bitey."

Homer: Well, John Q. Driveway has our number. Now we play the waiting game...
[After waiting a few seconds]
Homer: Ah, the waiting game sucks. Let's play Hungry Hungry Hippos!

Homer: There's a $10,000 bill in it for you.
Barney: Oh yeah? Which president's on it?
Homer: ...all of them. They're having a party. Jimmy Carter is passed out on the couch.

But the sign said "All you can eat!"

Lisa: According to Eternity Magazine, you can lose weight through subliminal learning. That's where an idea is suddenly implanted in your head without you even knowing it.
Homer: Oh Lisa, that's a load of rich creamery butter.

Reporter #1: (reporting on a space launch) Unbelievable, just imagine the logistics of weightlessness. And of course, this could have literally millions of applications here on Earth, in everything from watch making to watch repair.
Homer: Bo-ring!
Reporter #1: Now let's look at the crew a little.
Reporter #2: They're a colorful bunch. They've been dubbed "The Three Musketeers."
[the reporters chuckle]
Reporter #1: And we laugh legitimately. There's a mathematician, a different kind of mathematician, and a statistician.

You're right, Marge. Just like the time I could have met Mr. T at the mall. The entire day I kept saying, "I'll go a little later. I'll go a little later." And then when I got there, they told me he'd just left. And when I asked the mall guy if he would ever come back again, he said he didn't know. Well, I'm never going to let something like that happen again! I'm going into space right now!

Scorpio: Your job will be to manage and motivate them. Give 'em the benefit of your years of experience.
Homer: Don't worry, that won't take long.

Homer: Wow, my boss!
Scorpio: Don't call me that word. I don't like things that elevate me about the other people. I'm just like you. Oh, sure, I come later in the day, I get paid a lot more and I take longer vacations, but I don't like the word "boss".

Apu: Hello. I am not interested in buying your house, but I would like to use your rest room, flip through your magazines, rearrange your carefully shelved items and handle your food products in an unsanitary manner. Ha! Now you know how it feels!
Homer: Thank you. Come again.

Marge: You took a new job in a strange town without discussing it with your family?
Homer: Of course not. I wouldn't do that! ... Why not?
Marge: We have roots here, Homer. We have friends and family and library cards... Bart's lawyer is here.

Mr. Scorpio says productivity is up two percent, and it's all because of my motivational techniques! Like donuts. And the possibility of more donuts to come.

Scorpio: Hey, Homer, what's your least favorite country, Italy or France?
Homer: France.
Scorpio: Nobody ever says Italy.

Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.

Wow, what an ending! Who'd have thought that Darth Vader was Luke Skywalker's father?

Oh, Marge. You're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

I don't know the scientific explanation, but fire made it good.

Marge: So, Mr. Hutz, does my husband have a case?
Hutz: I'm sorry, Mrs. Simpson, but you can't copyright a drink.
Homer: Oh!
Hutz: This all goes back to the Frank Wallbanger case of '78. How about that! I looked something up! These books behind me don't just make the office look good, they're filled with useful legal tidbits just like that!

Well, you know, we're always buying Maggie vaccinations for diseases she doesn't even have.

Homer: Hello, my name is Mr. Burns. I believe you have a letter for me.
Postal Worker: Okay, Mr. Burns, uh, what's your first name?
Homer: I... don't know.

Marge, you're my wife, I love you very much, but you're living in a world of make-believe! With flowers and bells and leprechauns and magic frogs with funny little hats.

Come on, Bart! Remember what Vince Lombardi said: If you lose, you're out of the family!

Lionel Hutz: Now, Mr. Nahasapeemapetilon, if that is your real name, is it true you have never forgotten anything?
Apu: No sir. In fact, I can recite pi to 40,000 places. The last digit is 1.
Homer: Mmmmm... pie.

Bart: Mom's gonna kill you.
Homer: If she didn't want her car ruined, she should've done a better job hiding her keys.

Homer: Marge, if you don't mind, I'm a little busy right now achieving financial independence.
Marge: With cans of grease?
Homer: (Sarcastically) No! Through savings and wise investment. Of course with grease!

This is the darkest day in the history of Springfield. If anyone wants me, I'll be in the shower.

Hey! Apu just called. This Friday, Lisa's team is playing Bart's team. You'll be in direct competition! And I don't want you to go easy on each other just because you're brother and sister. I want to see you both fighting for your parents' love! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

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