Kent Brockman: Hordes of panicky people seem to be evacuating the town for some unknown reason. Professor, without knowing precisely what the danger is, would you say it's time for our viewers to crack each other's heads open and feast on the goo inside?
Professor: Mmm, yes I would, Kent.

Skinner: Well...maybe it was for the best. Now I... I finally have time to do what I've always wanted: write the great American novel. Mine is about a futuristic amusement park where dinosaurs are brought to life through advanced cloning techniques. I call it "Billy and the Clonasaurus."
Apu: Oh, you have got to be kidding, sir. First you think of an idea that has already been done, then you give it a title that nobody could possibly like. Didn't you think this through...
...was on the bestseller list for eighteen months! Every magazine cover had...
...most popular movies of all time, sir! What were you thinking?! I mean, thank you, come again.

Homer: See, I've got this friend named... Joey Joe Joe Junior... Shabadoo?
Moe: That's the worst name I've ever heard.
[A man runs out of the bar in tears]
Barney: Hey, Joey Joe Joe!

Mr. Simpson, don't you worry. I watched Matlock in a bar last night. The sound wasn't on, but I think I got the gist of it.

Marge, I agree with you... in theory. In theory, communism works.

Ralph: Um, Miss Hoover? There's a dog in the vents.
Miss Hoover: Ralph, remember that time you said Snagglepuss was outside?
Ralph: He was going to the bathroom.

Bart: The guys who wrote this cartoon don't know squat. Itchy should have tied Scratchy's tongue with a taut-line hitch, not a sheet bend.
Lisa: Come on, Bart. Cartoons don't have to be 100% realistic.

Homer: Aw, twenty dollars...I wanted a peanut!
Homer's brain: Twenty dollars can buy many peanuts!
Homer: Explain how.
Homer's brain: Money can be exchanged for goods and services.

Bart: Milhouse... Milhouse, wake up, quick! Look out the window!
Milhouse: No way, Bart. If I lean over, I leave myself open to wedgies, wet willies, or even the dreaded rear-admiral!

Mr. Simpson, don't you worry. I watched Matlock in a bar last night. The sound wasn't on, but I think I got the gist of it.

Ah, there's an interesting story behind this nickel. In 1957, I remember it was, I got up in the morning and made myself a piece of toast. I set the toaster to three - medium brown.

Marge... I think I hate Ted Koppel! No, wait, I find him informative and witty.

Kids, you tried your best, and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

I've argued in front of every judge in this state. Often as a lawyer.

Homer: Look, the important thing is that we all learned a lesson. These guys learned the richness and variety of the world outside college.
Nerd: No we didn't.
Homer: Oh. Then I learned the real value of college is to study, and work hard.
Lisa: No you didn't. You only passed your course by cheating, which you always taught us was wrong.
Homer: Hmm... true.

Stupid TV! Be more funny!

Marge: An A+! How did you do it?
Homer: Oh, let's just say I had help from a little magic box.
Marge: You changed your grade with a computer?
Homer: D'oh!

I am so smart! I am so smart! S-M-R-T! I mean, S-M-A-R-T...

Lawyer: Well, therefore, you certainly would never lose your temper over something as trivial as the pronunciation of 'Chowder.'
Fred Quimby: That's Chow-DAH! Chow-DAH! I'll kill you! I'll kill all of you, especially those of you in the jury!
Lawyer: Wow, that didn't go well at all. Nothing further.

Leonard Nimoy: I'd say this vessel could do at least Warp 5.
[crowd laughs]
Mayor Quimby: And let me say, "May The Force be with you."
Leonard Nimoy: Do you even know who I am?
Mayor Quimby: I think I do. Weren't you one of the Little Rascals?