Ralph: ...and when the doctor said I didn't have worms any more, that was the happiest day of my life.
Ms. Hoover: Thank you, Ralph, very graphic.

I'm an old man. I hate everything but Matlock!

Marge: Homer, there's a family of possums in here.
Homer: I call the big one "Bitey."

Lyle Lanley : The name's Lanley. Lyle Lanley. And I come before you good people tonight with an idea. Probably the greatest... Aw, it's not for you. It's more of a Shelbyville idea.
Mayor Quimby: Now wait just a minute! We're twice as smart as the people of Shelbyville! Just tell us your idea and we'll vote for it!
Lyle Lanley: All right, I tell you what I'll do. I'll show you my idea! I give you the Springfield Monorail! [audience gasps] I've sold monorails to Brockway, Ogdenville, and North Haverbrook, and by gum, it put them on the map!

Homer: Well, John Q. Driveway has our number. Now we play the waiting game...
[After waiting a few seconds]
Homer: Ah, the waiting game sucks. Let's play Hungry Hungry Hippos!

Well, Edna, for a school with no Asian kids, I think we've put on a darn good science fair.

Mr. Simpson, this is the most blatant case of fraudulent advertising since my suit against the film "The NeverEnding Story".

Dear Mr. President, there are too many states nowadays. Please eliminate three. P.S. I am not a crackpot.

But the sign said "All you can eat!"

Leonard Nimoy: I'd say this vessel could do at least Warp 5.
[crowd laughs]
Mayor Quimby: And let me say, "May The Force be with you."
Leonard Nimoy: Do you even know who I am?
Mayor Quimby: I think I do. Weren't you one of the Little Rascals?

Oh, I guess you're only familiar with the new Batman movies. Michelle Pfeiffer ... ha! The only true Catwoman is Julie Newmar, Lee Merriwether or Eartha Kitt. And I didn't need a molded plastic suit to improve my physique. Pure West. And how come Batman doesn't dance anymore, remember the Bat-tussi?

The potential for mischief varies inversely with one's proximity to the authority figure.

What's the matter, sir? Never have I seen you look so unhappy while purchasing such a large quantity of ice cream.

Dr. Hibbert: Bart, in this ward are the children who have been hurt by imitating stunts they saw on television, movies, and the legitimate stage. This little boy broke his leg trying to fly like Superman. This boy's brother hit him in the head with a wrench, mimicking a recent TV wrestling match. I won't even subject you to the horrors of our Three Stooges ward.
Marge: Gee, I never thought TV was such a dangerous influence.
Dr. Hibbert: Well, as tragic as all this is, it's a small price to pay for countless hours of top-notch entertainment.

Doesn't seem possible, but I guess TV has betrayed me.

Ironic, isn't it Smithers? This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the election, and yet if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail. That's democracy for you!

The father of the deposed beauty queen, Homer Simpson, filled out the pageant application incorrectly. In the area under "do not write in this space" he wrote "OK".

I am not an easy man to work for. While directing "Hats Off to Chanukkah", I reduced more than one cast member to tears. Did I expect too much from fourth graders? The review, "Play Enjoyed by All", speaks for itself.

Lisa: According to Eternity Magazine, you can lose weight through subliminal learning. That's where an idea is suddenly implanted in your head without you even knowing it.
Homer: Oh Lisa, that's a load of rich creamery butter.

We take eighteen ounces of sizzling ground beef, and soak it in rich, creamery butter. Then we top it off with bacon, ham, and a fried egg. We call it the Good Morning Burger.