TV Weatherman: There's a 75% chance of hilarity!
Homer: I like those odds.

Well, I can fix her, but I won't get the parts I need for two, three weeks. And that's if I order them today. Which I won't.

Leela: Kids don't turn rotten just from watching TV.
Fry: Yeah. Give a little credit to our public schools.

One of these days, Ndnd. Bang! Zoom! Straight to the third moon of Omicron Persei 8!

Uh, Lisa, the whole reason we have elected officials is so we don't have to think all the time. Just like that rainforest scare a few years back. Our officials saw there was a problem and they fixed it, didn't they?

Krusty's Accountant: Let me get this straight: you took all the money you made in franchising your name, and bet it against the Harlem Globetrotters?
Krusty: I thought the Generals were due!

Have you ever tried just turning off the TV, sitting down with your children, and hitting them?

My fellow Earthicans, as I have explained in my book Earth in the Balance, and the much more popular Harry Potter and the Balance of Earth, we need to defend our planet against pollution. Also dark wizards.

We're in the middle of nowhere, which is the safest part of nowhere.

I decline the title of Iron Cook and accept the lesser title of Zinc Saucier, which I just made up. Uhh... also, comes with double prize money.

Oh, I always feared he might run off like this. Why, why, why didn't I break his legs?

Marge... I think I hate Ted Koppel! No, wait, I find him informative and witty.

Ah, there's an interesting story behind this nickel. In 1957, I remember it was, I got up in the morning and made myself a piece of toast. I set the toaster to three - medium brown.

Marge, I agree with you... in theory. In theory, communism works.

Kids, you tried your best, and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Kent Brockman: Hordes of panicky people seem to be evacuating the town for some unknown reason. Professor, without knowing precisely what the danger is, would you say it's time for our viewers to crack each other's heads open and feast on the goo inside?
Professor: Mmm, yes I would, Kent.

Homer: Aw, twenty dollars...I wanted a peanut!
Homer's brain: Twenty dollars can buy many peanuts!
Homer: Explain how.
Homer's brain: Money can be exchanged for goods and services.

Bart: The guys who wrote this cartoon don't know squat. Itchy should have tied Scratchy's tongue with a taut-line hitch, not a sheet bend.
Lisa: Come on, Bart. Cartoons don't have to be 100% realistic.

Homer: See, I've got this friend named... Joey Joe Joe Junior... Shabadoo?
Moe: That's the worst name I've ever heard.
[A man runs out of the bar in tears]
Barney: Hey, Joey Joe Joe!

Mr. Simpson, don't you worry. I watched Matlock in a bar last night. The sound wasn't on, but I think I got the gist of it.