I am not going to watch the Clone Wars TV series until I've seen the Clone Wars movie. I prefer to let George Lucas disappoint me in the order he intended.

It's very simple. Scissors cuts paper, paper covers rock, rock crushes lizard, lizard poisons Spock, Spock smashes scissors, scissors decapitates lizard, lizard eats paper, paper disproves Spock, Spock vaporizes rock, and—as it always has—rock crushes scissors

You know, I've given the matter some thought, and I think I'd be willing to be a house pet to a race of super-intelligent aliens.

You're probably thinking, "the comic book store, on a Thursday? Why I've fallen down the rabbit hole and into a land of madness." What you have failed to take into account, Penny, is that this is "Anything Can Happen Thursday".

You know, I'm given to understand that there's an entire city in Nevada devoted specifically to help people like Howard forget their problems. They replace them with new problems such as alcoholism, gambling addiction and sexually transmitted diseases.

Sheldon: You have to check your messages, Leonard! Leaving a message is one-half of a social contract, which is completed by the checking of the message. If that contract breaks down, then all social contracts break down and we descend into anarchy.
Leonard: It must be hell inside your head.
Sheldon: At times.

Howard: This is the thing from the pizza box that keeps the lid from touching the cheese.
Raj: Is that what this is for? In India, the lid just touches the cheese. Of course, we also have rampant poverty and periodic outbreaks of cholera, so a little cardboard on our cheese is no biggie.

Raj: I don't like bugs, okay? They freak me out.
Sheldon: Interesting. You're afraid of insects and women. Ladybugs must render you catatonic.

I'm going to be deported, sent home in disgrace, exposed to the sardonic barbs of my cousin Sanjay, or as you may know him, Dave from AT&T customer service

Okay, please don't take this the wrong way, but I'd rather swim butt-naked across the Ganges with a paper cut on my nipple and die a slow agonizing death from a viral infection than work with you

Leonard: You know deep down on the inside, Howard's a good guy.
Penny: The problem isn't what's on the inside, it's the creepy candy coating.

I came here to defeat Wil Wheaton: the man who destroyed my dreams, but I can't destroy Wil Wheaton: the man who loved his mee-maw.

You keep in mind that my sharply-worded comments on yelp.com recently took down a muffin store

Sheldon, you remind me of a young Lex Luthor.

If I hadn't gone into microbiology, I would have gone into physics. Or ice dancing.

Leonard: When we watch Frosty the Snowman, he roots for the sun.
Sheldon: Excuse me, but the sun is essential for all life on earth. Frosty is merely a bit of frozen, supernatural ephemera in a stolen hat. A crime, by the way, for which he is never brought to account.

Raj: We'd just see what's what.
Sheldon: That's a semantically null sentence.

Wow, that's all you got after you were the most obnoxious person on a double date that included Howard Wolowitz?

I do not have to urinate. I am a master of my own bladder. Drat.

I haven't seen him this stuck since he tried to figure out the third Matrix movie.