Stupid TV! Be more funny!

Homer: Aw, twenty dollars...I wanted a peanut!
Homer's brain: Twenty dollars can buy many peanuts!
Homer: Explain how.
Homer's brain: Money can be exchanged for goods and services.

Mr. Simpson, don't you worry. I watched Matlock in a bar last night. The sound wasn't on, but I think I got the gist of it.

Bart: Milhouse... Milhouse, wake up, quick! Look out the window!
Milhouse: No way, Bart. If I lean over, I leave myself open to wedgies, wet willies, or even the dreaded rear-admiral!

Kent Brockman: Hordes of panicky people seem to be evacuating the town for some unknown reason. Professor, without knowing precisely what the danger is, would you say it's time for our viewers to crack each other's heads open and feast on the goo inside?
Professor: Mmm, yes I would, Kent.

Ah, there's an interesting story behind this nickel. In 1957, I remember it was, I got up in the morning and made myself a piece of toast. I set the toaster to three - medium brown.

Homer: See, I've got this friend named... Joey Joe Joe Junior... Shabadoo?
Moe: That's the worst name I've ever heard.
[A man runs out of the bar in tears]
Barney: Hey, Joey Joe Joe!

Kids, you tried your best, and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

I've argued in front of every judge in this state. Often as a lawyer.

Homer: Look, the important thing is that we all learned a lesson. These guys learned the richness and variety of the world outside college.
Nerd: No we didn't.
Homer: Oh. Then I learned the real value of college is to study, and work hard.
Lisa: No you didn't. You only passed your course by cheating, which you always taught us was wrong.
Homer: Hmm... true.

I'm an old man. I hate everything but Matlock!

Ralph: ...and when the doctor said I didn't have worms any more, that was the happiest day of my life.
Ms. Hoover: Thank you, Ralph, very graphic.

Well, Edna, for a school with no Asian kids, I think we've put on a darn good science fair.

Dear Mr. President, there are too many states nowadays. Please eliminate three. P.S. I am not a crackpot.

Marge: Homer, there's a family of possums in here.
Homer: I call the big one "Bitey."

Homer: Well, John Q. Driveway has our number. Now we play the waiting game...
[After waiting a few seconds]
Homer: Ah, the waiting game sucks. Let's play Hungry Hungry Hippos!

Leonard Nimoy: I'd say this vessel could do at least Warp 5.
[crowd laughs]
Mayor Quimby: And let me say, "May The Force be with you."
Leonard Nimoy: Do you even know who I am?
Mayor Quimby: I think I do. Weren't you one of the Little Rascals?

Mr. Simpson, this is the most blatant case of fraudulent advertising since my suit against the film "The NeverEnding Story".

But the sign said "All you can eat!"

Homer: There's a $10,000 bill in it for you.
Barney: Oh yeah? Which president's on it?
Homer: ...all of them. They're having a party. Jimmy Carter is passed out on the couch.