Andy Bernard

20 quotes.

Quoted in: The Office (US)

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Quotes by Andy Bernard: The Office (US)

Put your heart out there like that, it's liable to just turn into this blackened carbon brick where it has barbecue sauce of shame and rage and two hot people with a perfect relationship would not understand that!


You can't let a girl feel good about herself. It will backfire on you. Every compliment has to be backhanded. 'Oh I like your dress, but I'd like it more if you had prettier hair.'


I'm petrified of nipple chafing. One it starts, it's a vicious circle. You have sensitive nipples, they chafe, so they become more sensitive, so they chafe more. It's a tough one. Gotta take precautions.


Jim Halpert: [answers phone] Jim Halpert.
Andy: I am so horny.
Jim Halpert: Okay. I can't help you with that.
Andy: Oh, I think you can, Big Tuna. Tell me about that Indian chick, Kelly. She seems pretty slutty. Good for a romp in the sack.
Jim Halpert: She is dating Ryan, I think.
Andy: Oh, and I care why?
Jim Halpert: She high-maintenance.
Andy: Next. How about... Angela? Blondes are more fun. C'mon trust me on that.
Jim Halpert: Yeah, trust me. That would be fun for no one.


If I had to put Dwight's chances into a percentage, I would say he has none percent chance.


Andy Bernard does not lose contests. He wins them. Or he quits them. Because they're unfair.


Big Tuna is a super ambitious guy, you know? Cut-your-throat-to-get-ahead type of guy. But, I mean, I'm not threatened by him. I went to Cornell. Ever heard of it? I graduated in four years, I never studied once, I was drunk the whole time, and I sang in the a capella group, 'Here Comes Treble'.


I begged Dwight and Jim to give me Erin for Secret Santa. And I decided to give Erin the twelve days of Christmas. Is it my fault the first eight days are basically thirty birds?


I've always been the guy who can rally other people to rebel. In high school, I organized a walk out over standardized testing. Got over 500 students to just skip the SATs. At the last second I chickened out, took it anyway got a twelve twenty. Always regretted it... I feel lachrymose.


I'm a little worried that I may have asked out Naughty Nelly instead of Erin. Which would be whole lot less appealing, because Naughty Nelly says yes to everyone. And she might be a murderer.


You give me a gift? Bam! Thank You note. You invite me somewhere? Pow! RSVP. You do me a favor? Wham! Favor returned. Do not test my politeness.


Robert California: Last week an accounting mistake resulted in a client getting their order for free.
Andy: Ooh. That's not good. Chalk that one up to Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumb out there.
Robert California: Who're they?
Andy: They're both Kevin.


The weird thing is now I'm exactly where I want to be. I've got my dream job at Cornell, and I'm still just thinking about my old pals. Only now they're the ones I made here. I wish there was a way to know you're in "the good old days", before you've actually left them. Someone should write a song about that.


Andy: Why does Erin like Gabe?
Darryl: Andy, look, all I know is that if I was a girl, and I had to choose between the tall dude who loved Asia, and the you looking dude who loves sweaters and wearing sweaters...I'd choose you.
Andy: That's really nice. Thank you.
Darryl: And I'd blow your mind.


Women cannot resist a man singing show tunes. It's so powerful, even a lot of men can't resist a man singing show tunes.


I know a few things about love. Horrible, terrible, awful, awful things.


I'll be the number-two guy here in Scranton in six weeks. How? Name repetition, personality mirroring, and never breaking off a handshake. I'm always thinking one step ahead. Like a... carpenter... that makes stairs.


I did this for the little guy. For Joe Six-pack. The guy who wakes up every morning in his $400 a month apartment, wonders how he's going to pay his mortgage; wonders how he's going to fill his car up with oil; wonders "How am I going to pay my kids' orphanage bills?" That guy shouldn't have to wonder where he's going to park.


William Doolittle at your service. A.K.A. Will Do.


I am a great interviewee. Why? Because I have something no one else has: my brain. Which I use to my advantage... when advantageous.

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