Quotes by Bart Simpson: The Simpsons
Bart: So, finally, we’re all in agreement about what’s going on with the adults. Milhouse?
Milhouse: Ahem. OK, here’s what we've got: the Rand Corporation, in conjunction with the saucer people, under the supervision of the reverse vampires, are forcing our parents to go to bed early in a fiendish plot to eliminate the meal of dinner! We’re through the looking glass, here, people.
Bart: [drunk] What are you looking at?
Kent Brockman: "What are you looking at?": the innocent words of a drunken child. Well, I'll tell you what we're looking at, young man. A town gone mad. A town whose very conscious was washed away in a tide of beer and green vomit.
Bart: Nothing you say can upset us. We're the MTV generation.
Lisa: We feel neither highs or lows.
Homer: Really? What's it like?
Milhouse: Bart! Nelson hit me!
Bart: He sure did.
Bart: Go To Work With Your Parents Day?
Principal Skinner: Yes, Go To Work With Your Parents Day. Tomorrow you will learn by doing and apply your knowledge of fractions and gym to real-world situations.
Nelson: What is this place?
Bart: Branson, Missouri. My dad says it's like Vegas… if it were run by Ned Flanders.
Bart: Milhouse, do you ever think about the people in those cars?
Milhouse: I try not to. It makes it harder to spit on 'em.
Bart: Dad, do I have to brush my teeth?
Homer: No, but at least rinse your mouth out with soda.
Bart: Mom, Reverend Lovejoy doesn't have a coat. Should I let him in?
Rev. Lovejoy: My coat was stolen at last week's interfaith banquet. So I helped myself to a few of the better umbrellas.
Bart: Come watch TV with me, Dad. We missed the first two episodes of "Cops", but if we hurry we can catch the last three.
Homer: Aw, sorry Bart, Lisa and I are going out for a gelato. We'd ask you to come, but...you know.
Milhouse: Hey, Bart. If Lisa's better than you at hockey, you think you'll become better than her at school?
Bart: Maybe I will, Milhouse. Maybe I will.
Mrs. Krabappel: Who can tell me the capital of Spain? [Bart raises his hand] Bart Simpson. The square root of 36? [Bart raises his hand] Bart Simpson. Who freed the slaves? Bart Simpson. Bart Simpson. Bart Simpson. Bart Simpson, will you stop raising your hand? You haven't had one right answer all day.
Bart: Lisa, certain difference, rivalries if you will, have come up between us. At first I thought we could talk it over like civilized people, but instead...I just ripped the head off Mr. Honeybunny!
Lisa: Bart that was your cherished childhood toy.
Bart: (realizes what he did) Aaah! Mr. Honeybunny!
Oh come on, I've seen you cry a million times. You cry when you scrape your knee. You cry when they're out of chocolate milk. You cry when you're doing long division and you have a remainder left over.
Milhouse, we're living in the age of cooties. I can't believe the risk you're running. Besides, what's so great about kissing?
Class: [singing] There was a farmer, had a dog, and Bingo was his name-O!
Bart: B-I-(clap)-(clap)-O! B-I-(clap)-(clap)-O! B-I-(clap)-(clap)-(clap)! And Bingo was his name-O!
Bart's Kindergarten Teacher: [observing with clipboard] Added extra clap; not college material.
Milhouse: I have soy milk. The doctor says the real kind could kill me.
Bart: I wish I was interesting like you.
Bart: A thousand dollars? But your ad says "no money down".
Lionel Hutz: Oh, they got this all screwed up.
Bart: So you don't work on a contingency basis?
Lionel Hutz: No, money down! Oops, shouldn't have this bar association logo here either.
Bart: Cool! I'll give you ten bucks for that.
Comic Book Guy: Are you the creator of Hi and Lois, because you are making me laugh. That drawing is worth exactly seven hundred and fifty dollars American.
Well, I'm not calling you a liar, but... but I can't think of a way to finish that sentence.
Milhouse: Hey, Bart. Check out my new earring. Pretty cool, huh?
Bart: Milhouse, my mom wears earrings. Do you think she's cool?
Milhouse: No, I think she's hot! Sorry, it just slipped out.
Homer: Hey, I thought your mother told you to take a bath!
Bart: Yeah, mom says a lot of things.
Homer: Oh, I understand, kids. I'm not a bath man myself, more of a cologne man.
Commentator: [describing the batter at a baseball game] He's pointing to the stands, possibly at a dying little boy.
Bart: [after realizing he's been pointed at] Mom, am I dying?!
Lisa: [whispering] Is he, Mom? You can tell me.
Mark McGwire: Young Bart here is right. We are spying on you, pretty much around the clock.
Bart: But why, Mr. McGwire?
Mark McGwire: Do you want to know the terrifying truth, or do you want to see me sock a few dingers?
Crowd: Dingers! Dingers!
Bart: Barbershop? That ain't been popular since aught-six, dagnabbit.
Homer: Bart, what did I tell you?
Bart: No talking like a grizzled 1890s prospector, consarn it.
Krusty: Ugh, 35 years in show business and already no one remembers me, just like what's-his-name and whose-it, and you know that guy, always wore a shirt?
Bart: Ed Sullivan?
I can't sleep, the clown'll eat me.
Marge: [telling Bart a bedtime story] Then the prince and the princess... [yawning] got married and lived happily ever after.
Bart: Then what happened?
Marge: Uh...they had 30 sons and thirty daughters.
Bart: What were their names?
Marge: Hmm... Dennis... Brad... Mavis... Brad... [falls asleep]
Homer: Bart, didn't I ask you to watch Maggie?
Bart: Sounds like something you'd say.
Bart: Dad, I've done everything I could and I've only got 35 bucks! Ugh! I am through with working, working is for chumps.
Homer: Son, I'm proud of you. I was twice your age before I figured that out.
Bart: I think Grampa smells like that trunk in the garage where the bottom's all wet.
Lisa: No, I think he smells more like a photo lab.
Homer: Stop it, you two! Grampa smells like a normal old man, which is more like a hallway in a hospital.
Bart: I'll go, disguised as you.
Lisa: What if he wants to hold hands?
Bart: I'm prepared to make that sacrifice.
Lisa: What if he wants a kiss?
Bart: I'm prepared to make that sacrifice.
Lisa: What if he...
Bart: You don't want to know how far I'll go.
I can't believe "smell ya later" replaced good-bye.
Bart: Take him away, boys.
Wiggum: Hey, I'm the chief here! Bake 'em away, toys.
Lou: What'd you say, chief?
Wiggum: Do what the kid said.
Marge: There's something about flying a kite at night that's so unwholesome.
Bart: [Bart creepily looks up at his mom] Hello, Mother dear.
Bart: You made all that money for sitting around and watching TV and eating food?
Lisa: There's a lot more to it than that, Bart. I don't just babysit. I sell peace of mind for a dollar an hour. Two dollars after 9 o'clock.
Comic Book Guy: Last night's Itchy & Scratchy was, without a doubt, the worst episode ever. Rest assured, I was on the Internet within minutes, registering my disgust throughout the world.
Bart: Hey, I know it wasn't great, but what right do you have to complain?
Comic Book Guy: As a loyal viewer, I feel they owe me.
Bart: What? They've given you thousands of hours of entertainment for free! What could they possibly owe you? If anything, you owe them!
Comic Book Guy: Worst episode ever.
Homer: So, Mr. Burns is gonna make us all go on a stupid corporate retreat up in the mountains to learn about teamwork. Which means we'll have to cancel our plans to hang around here.
Bart: Teamwork is overrated.
Bart: Think about it. I mean, what team was Babe Ruth on? Who knows.
Lisa and Marge: Yankees.
Bart: Sharing is a bunch of bull, too. And helping others. And what's all this crap I've been hearing about tolerance?
Homer: Hmm. Your ideas are intriguing to me and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter.
Lisa: Why don't we all look at the photo album?
Homer: So many memories. Aw, look ... Knightboat.
Bart and Lisa: Aww...
Homer: And here's our TV next to the mirror! It looks like we have two.
Bart and Lisa: Wow, two!
Judge Harm: Silence in my courtroom! Grand theft auto?
Bart: It was an accident, ma'am.
Judge Harm: Don't spit on my cupcake and tell me it's frosting!
Mr. Burns: Homer, your bravery and quick thinking have turned a potential Chernobyl into a mere Three-Mile Island. Bravo!
Lisa: I think it's ironic that Dad saved the day, while a slimmer man would've fallen to his death.
Bart: And I think it's ironic that, for once, Dad's butt prevented the spread of toxic gas.
Marge: Now about your punishment, young man.
Bart: I know, I'll go to my room and think about what I did.
Homer: Oh, no, your room is full of toys. You're going to the, uh, garage.
Bart: You're the boss.
Bart, Homer: You don't win friends with salad! You don't win friends with salad! You don't win friends with salad...
Milhouse: A pleasure doing business with you.
Bart: Anytime, chummm... p.
Lisa: Hmmm, Pablo Neruda said "Laughter is the language of the soul."
Bart: I am familiar with the works of Pablo Neruda.
She's like a Milk Dud, Lis: sweet on the outside, poison on the inside.
Lisa: Don't be so hard on yourself, Bart. It's not your fault Jessica doesn't like you.
Bart: Is it my hair? My overbite? The fact that I've worn the same clothes day in, day out for the last four years?
Lisa: No, Bart. I just think you and Jessica are too different from each other to get along. She's a sweet, kind reverend's daughter and you're the devil's cabana boy
Rev. Lovejoy: Don't you ever come near my daughter again! Never have I heard such gratuitous use of the word "butt"!
Bart: But -- but -- but --
Bart: The guys who wrote this cartoon don't know squat. Itchy should have tied Scratchy's tongue with a taut-line hitch, not a sheet bend.
Lisa: Come on, Bart. Cartoons don't have to be 100% realistic.
Bart: Milhouse... Milhouse, wake up, quick! Look out the window!
Milhouse: No way, Bart. If I lean over, I leave myself open to wedgies, wet willies, or even the dreaded rear-admiral!
Doesn't seem possible, but I guess TV has betrayed me.
Milhouse: I'm more worried about piranhas. Did you see that movie where they send a nuclear submarine to fight the piranhas, and one of them swims right down the periscope and bites the guy in the eye, and he goes, "Aah! Aah! Aah!", and that old lady told him it would happen?
Bart: Yeah, that was pretty good.
Bart: When I grow up, I wanna be a lawyer just like you, Mr. Hutz.
Lionel Hutz: Good for you, son. If there's one thing this world needs, it's more lawyers. Could you imagine a world without lawyers?
Bart: Mom's gonna kill you.
Homer: If she didn't want her car ruined, she should've done a better job hiding her keys.
Marge: This town is a part of who you are! This is a Springfield Isotopes Cap... when you wear it, you're wearing Springfield! When you eat a fish from our river, you're eating Springfield! When you make lemonade from our trees, you're drinking Springfield!
Bart: Mom, when you give that lecture, you're boring Springfield.
If you get lost remember, you can always find east by staring directly at the sun.
Shelbyville Kid: Wait a minute, if you're from Shelbyville, how come we've never seen you in school?
Bart: I don't go to school.
Shelbyville Kid: Okay, what's two plus two?
Shelbyville Kid: Ah, story checks out.
Showing 57 quotes.