Quotes by Chidi Anagonye: The Good Place
I do have a stomachache. Why do I always have a stomachache?
You put the Peeps in the chili pot and eat them both up! You put the Peeps in the chili pot and add the M&Ms. You put the Peeps in the chili pot and it makes it taste bad.
Damon: Hey, you want to talk to God?
Chidi: "God is dead. God remains dead, and we have killed him. Who will wipe this blood off us? What festivals of atonement, what sacred games shall we have to invent?" Friedrich Nietzsche, 1882.
Damon: I was just trying to sell you some drugs, and you made it weird!
Simone: Are you alright? You didn't sleep at all last night.
Chidi: I got a solid eight minutes. Not consecutively, but still. It's fine. You're not even that blurry.
We can be colleagues. Associates is pushing it. And by even having this conversation, you're becoming my confidante. I can't have that.
Eleanor: Uh, yeah, a few. I wrote down "what?", "huh?", and then this doodle of a burrito because when I first read Aristotle I thought it was pronounced like Chipotle. Wait a minute, is it "Chip-o-tottle?"
Chidi: There are actual answers here. Data you can observe and learn from.
Simone: Yeah, man. Science is all about getting answers. You philosophers can spend your entire life mulling over a single question. That's why everyone hates moral philosophy professors.
Chidi: I am absolutely paralyzed by decision making and it is destroying my life.
Simone: Yeah, I sort of got that when you couldn't choose a chair to sit on.
Chidi: Well, I didn't want to offend you in case you had a favorite.
Chidi: I grew up in Senegal, so my native language is French. But I went to American schools, so I also speak English. And German and Greek. And Latin, just in case it ever comes back.
Eleanor: Cool. I once got 12 out of 12 on a Buzzfeed quiz called "Do you know all the slang words the Kardashians invented?"
Eleanor: Thank you. I'm going to be honest. I did cheat.
Okay, I've made my decision. I want to... start crying.
I missed my mom's back surgery because I had already promised my landlord's nephew that I would help him figure out his new phone.
This whole romantic situation is such a mess. I am vexed, Tahani. Vexed.
I need to step outside... for some air... and I will not be back for many days.
Chidi: Aren't there some parts worth salvaging?
Michael: Honestly, man, I don't even know. I mean that thing is unreadable. I literally learned what headaches were because that thing gave me a headache.
Chidi: This equipment is very scary!
Janet: Don't be a baby. It can't hurt you. Watch, I'll blowtorch your face off.
Janet: Whatever. This whole thing is stupid.
Chidi: I'll see you guys tomorrow.
Janet: Not if I see you first! Where's the beef? Hump day.
Eleanor: Oh, so now I'm supposed to be nice and make friends and treat her with mutual respect?
Eleanor: That's exactly what she wants me to do, Chidi, wake up!
Chidi: That's what everyone wants everyone to do.
You know, I thought I'd have a stomachache right now, but weirdly... I do.
Eleanor: All those ethics lessons paid off. Whoever said philosophy was stupid?
Chidi: You did, many times, as recently as this morning.
Eleanor: I bet you don't know anything about me.
Chidi: You were born in Phoenix. You went to school in Tempe. You're an only child. Your favorite show is something called "The Real Housewives of Atlanta" and your favorite "book" is Kendall Jenner's Instagram feed.
Eleanor: How did you know all that?
Chidi: Because you are constantly talking about yourself. You are the most self-obsessed person I have ever met.
Eleanor: You should see Kendall Jenner's Instagram feed.
Chidi: I prefer to take my time with things.
Michael: Yes, I know. You never even named your dog, did you? When it ran away, you posted signs saying "responds to long pauses".
Chidi: Exploring makes me nervous. I have what doctors call "directional insanity." I once got lost on an escalator. So not exactly Christopher Columbus.
Janet: Fun fact! Columbus is in the Bad Place because of all the raping, slave trade, and genocide!
I'm sorry, everyone, I just have some worries as well as some concerns that could potentially turn into outright fears. Ah, there they go, they're fears now.
Jason: So many memories of this place. Eating frozen yogurt and then having diarrhea and then eating more frozen yogurt and then more diarrhea. Maybe I should've realized this isn't The Good Place because of all the diarrhea.
Chidi: Maybe you shouldn't be eating all that frozen yogurt right now.
Michael: Oh, Chidi, Sorry, I got a joke for you, bud. Uh, knock, knock.
Chidi: Who's there?
Michael: You died alone because you couldn't commit to anyone.
Jason: You died alone because you couldn't commit to anyone who?
Chidi: Look, Janet has learned and grown. She's essentially living a life. We can't kill her.
Eleanor: Not with that attitude, we can't. Listen, man. I'm dead, you're dead. We all died, and now we're killing her. Pay it forward.
Chidi: No, that's not what that means at all, Eleanor.
Eleanor: We're doing one small murder-y thing for a bigger, better reason. The ends justify the means.
Chidi: Do you know who said that?
Eleanor: Was it someone nice and great, like Oprah?
Chidi: It was Machiavelli... a very non-Oprah-like figure. And what happens after we kill her? We'll have to lie to everyone about what we did. And lying is always wrong.
Chidi: There's an old Chinese proverb... "Lies are like tigers. They are bad."
Eleanor: That's it?
Chidi: I guess it's more poetic in Mandarin.
You cannot kill Janet. Killing is one of the most famous moral no-nos.
There really is an afterlife. I can't wait to have breakfast with Kant, and lunch with Michel Foucault, and then have dinner with Kant again so we can talk about what came up at breakfast!
Chidi: Where is everyone?
Eleanor: Who knows? Maybe they finally figured out clam chowder is disgusting, 'cause it's basically a savory latte with bugs in it.
When I'm really upset, concentrating on a table of contents helps me calm down. It's like a menu, but the food is words.
I have never been that certain about anything. I once even tried to rent socks. How did I say that that easily?
Eleanor: First of all, throwing sand is an excellent way to put out a vodka fire.
Chidi: Why would you even know that?!
I can't believe I'm saying this, but I don't think this can be solved with a book.
Eleanor: I used to think about how it's weird they don't make pants that are just one big pant leg for both your legs.
Chidi: You mean a skirt?
Eleanor: No! You're not getting it and my thing is different so shut up.
Eleanor: Man. Michael is not into your class. Right now I'm the best student. I'm going to be the velociraptor.
Chidi: You trying to say valedictorian?
Chidi: Why even tell us about any real thing? Why not just lie about all of it?
Michael: Lies are always more convincing when they're closer to the truth.
Well, if I feel sympathy for anyone, it's Tahani. She's going through the same thing I am, but she doesn't know it. Which means maybe I'm obligated to tell her. Although maybe it's better not to know. Is ignorance bliss, or will the painful truth actually be healing...
You broke the world. It's not a compliment!
Chidi: Do you hear music?
Eleanor: That's not music. That's EDM.
This is fun. It's a fun party. There's no question about it, this is a fun ... situation. Hey! You guys are here! The fun continues, nay, increases!
Chidi: So, making decisions isn't exactly my strong suit.
Michael: I know that, buddy. You once had a panic attack at a make-your-own sundae bar.
Chidi: There were too many toppings. And very early in the process you had to commit to a chocolate palate or a fruit palate and if you couldn't decide you wound up with kiwi, junior mint, raisin, and it just ruins everybody's night.
Chidi: No way! Soul mates are real?
Michael: They sure are. Although your soul mate situation is a little unusual.
Chidi: Oh, no! I don't have one, do I? That's fine, I mean, who needs a soul mate, anyway? My soul mate will be ... books!
Well, I've narrowed it down to two possibilities: yes and no.
Showing 45 quotes.