Chief Wiggum

13 quotes.

Quoted in: The Simpsons

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Quotes by Chief Wiggum: The Simpsons

Mayor Quimby: You can't seriously want to ban alcohol. It tastes great, makes women appear more attractive, and makes a person virtually invulnerable to criticism.
Helen Lovejoy: Oh, won't someone please think of the children?
Maude Flanders: What kind of example are we setting?
Chief Wiggum: Ladies, please. All our founding fathers, astronauts, and World Series heroes have been either drunk or on cocaine.


Lou: You know the funniest thing though? It's the little differences.
Wiggum: Example.
Lou: Well, at McDonald's you can buy a Krusty Burger with cheese, right? But they don't call it a Krusty Burger with cheese.
Wiggum: Get out… well what do they call it?
Lou: A Quarter Pounder with cheese.
Wiggum: A Quarter Pounder with cheese? Well I can picture the cheese, but… uh. Do they have Krusty Partially Gelatinated Non-Dairy Gum Based Beverages?
Lou: Mmm hmm, they call 'em Shakes.
Eddie: Huh, shakes. You don't know what you're gettin'.


Lou: Y'know, I went to the McDonald's in, uh, Shelbyville on Friday night.
Chief Wiggum: The McWhat?
Lou: Uh, the McDonald's restaurant. I never heard of it either, but they have over 2,000 locations in this state alone.
Eddie: Hmm. Must have sprung up overnight.


Chief Wiggum: All right, I'm going to make a little deal with you mugs. I'm going to let you all out to see my team play the hockey game if you promise to return to your cells!
Snake: Sorry, pig. We can't make that promise.
Wiggum: All right... all right, I'll sweeten the deal. You can see the game, you don't have to come back, but you have to promise not to commit any more crimes, OK?
Snake: No.
Wiggum: I'll take that as a yes.


We won! We won! Unfortunately, since I bet on the other team, we won't be going out for pizza.


Lighten up, son. If he was going to commit a crime would he have invited the number one cop in town? Now where did I put my gun? Oh yeah, I set it down when I got a piece of cake.


[to Ralph] You know you're not suppose to go in there. What is your fascination with my forbidden closet of mystery?


All right, come out with your hands up, two cups of coffee, an auto freshener that says 'Capricorn', and something with coconut on it!


Lou: There's a couple of guys fighting at the aquarium, Chief.
Chief Wiggum: They still sell those frozen bananas?
Lou: I think so.
Chief Wiggum: Let's roll!


This is Papa Bear. Put out an APB for a male suspect, driving a... car of some sort, heading in the direction of... you know, that place that sells chili. Suspect is hatless. Repeat, hatless.


Bart: Take him away, boys.
Wiggum: Hey, I'm the chief here! Bake 'em away, toys.
Lou: What'd you say, chief?
Wiggum: Do what the kid said.


Homer: Ah, another perfect day in my perfect life with my perfect job.
Chief Wiggum: Hey, just heard the news over the squawk box. That's nice work, Homer.
Homer: Thank you, thank you very much. It is nice work.
Apu: Oh, Mr. Simpson, I have just heard about the little bundle of joy. Congratulations, sir!
Homer: It's true, the bundle is little, but I'm not in it for the money.
Moe: Hey, Homer! Way to get Marge pregnant! Haha...
Homer: This is getting very abstract, but thank you, I do enjoy working at the bowling alley. ... Hey, wait a second... What are all these presents? It looks like you're showering Marge with gifts... hmm... With little tiny baby-sized gifts. Well, I'll be in the tub.
Maude: Oh and by the way, congratulations on your new job, Homer.
Homer: New job? Marge is pregnant!? Nooooooooo! Aahhhhhhh!


Fat Tony is a cancer on this fair city. He is the cancer, and I am the... um... What cures cancer?

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