Chris Traeger


Quoted in: Parks and Recreation

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Quotes by Chris Traeger: Parks and Recreation

Chris: I was in charge of the cake. To be fair, it’s not a cake, so much as it is a vegetable loaf. You’ve got your mushrooms, your alfalfa sprouts, spinach, and I added sweetened fruit reduction.
Ron: What did they ask you to bring, a vegetable loaf, or a cake?
Chris: No, a cake. But this is so much healthier.
Ron: So not only does this thing exist, but now you have deprived everyone of cake.

Ben: Hypothetical crisis: Leslie just tried to answer a question, but audibly farted and then threw up. Spin.
Chris: Leslie Knope is literally overflowing with ideas for this town. And speaking about methane, have you heard about her plan to limit greenhouse gas emissions?

Chris: I know that Ron doesn't want us to eat anything before the meat, but I smuggled in some candy.
Tom: Oh, thank God, I'm starving. Raisins?!?
Chris: It's nature's candy! Now, they're basically grapes, so remember to pace yourself. [eats them all] I can't even follow my own advice. So delicious!

Tom: Hey man, what'd the doc say? Everything OK?
Chris: The tests and blood work came back, and the news is terrible. They found... nothing.
Tom: Nothing?
Chris: Nothing: The silent killer.

I have a resting heart rate of 23 beats per minute. The scientists who study me say my heart can pump jet fuel up into an airplane.

I know what'll loosen up our brains. Massage train. And, I know what you're thinking. It's not that I want a massage; I'll be the caboose. And Ron Swanson is the locomotive.

Ben: You need a ride back to the office?
Chris: No, no. I'm going to go for a light 15K. I missed yesterday.

I'd like you to get me some more post-its. I'd like them in multiple colors. I'd like green. I'd like yellow. Do not buy orange. I do not want orange. I have plenty of orange.

Chris: Man, you are just knocking these off. You're like a ninja crossed with a Jedi or something.
Tom: You're like a nerd mixed with a dork or something.
Chris: Tom, Star Wars is not that nerdy.

I take care of my body above all else. Diet, exercise, supplements, positive thinking. Scientists believe that the first human being who will live 150 years has already been born. I believe I am that human being.

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