Eleanor Shellstrop


Quoted in: The Good Place

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Quotes by Eleanor Shellstrop: The Good Place

In America, everyone does whatever they want. Society did break down. It's terrible, and it's great. You only look out for number one, scream at whoever disagrees with you. There are no bees because they all died, and if you need surgery, you just beg for money on the internet. It's a perfect system.

Rule number one-- I get to do whatever I want, and you all just have to deal with it. Rule two: no more Spider-Man movies! There's way too many Spider-Man movies! Too many dorky little twerpy Spider-Men. Rule three: everyone leave me alone.

To me, the single most awful sound in the universe is that mangled opening note of your co-worker singing "Happy Birthday."

I just don't think the group thing is for me. I'm better when it's one-one-one and we're both looking at our phones and I don't know the other person and we don't talk.

The closest thing I could find to herbal tea was a root beer I had them throw in the microwave.

Chidi: Questions?
Eleanor: Uh, yeah, a few. I wrote down "what?", "huh?", and then this doodle of a burrito because when I first read Aristotle I thought it was pronounced like Chipotle. Wait a minute, is it "Chip-o-tottle?"

Whenever anyone tells me a story about their life I always imagine all the people as being super hot. Otherwise, I quickly lose interest. Do you not do that? You can do it for free.

Chidi: I grew up in Senegal, so my native language is French. But I went to American schools, so I also speak English. And German and Greek. And Latin, just in case it ever comes back.
Eleanor: Cool. I once got 12 out of 12 on a Buzzfeed quiz called "Do you know all the slang words the Kardashians invented?"
Chidi: Congratulations?
Eleanor: Thank you. I'm going to be honest. I did cheat.

I'm SO ready to learn, it's like my brain is HORNY!

Face it, dude. I'm the best thing that ever happened to you. Because guess what, Chidi? Ya basic!

I'll miss you too, you sexy skyscraper.

Jason: Can I ask you a question about where we're going?
Eleanor: Sure.
Jason: Where are we going? I forgot.

Pevita: What can you possibly say to us that will make up for your actions?
Eleanor: Pobody's nerfect?

Eleanor: What's this show called again?
Tahani: Deirdre and Margaret. It ran for sixteen years on the BBC. They did nearly thirty episodes.

Nobody asked you, Bambadjan.

Eleanor: The little voice in your head sounds like the old lady from "Downton Abbey?"
Tahani: Oh, yeah, sorry. Maggie Smith is my godmother.

Jason: I don't know, this plan seems complicated.
Eleanor: To be fair, you also once said that about an orange.
Jason: They don't make sense. Apples you eat their clothes, but oranges you don't? Forget this plan.

[to Jason] You don't seem like a ... super genius.

[Tahani gives Eleanor a hug] Ugh, of course your hugs are amazing.

Eleanor: Oh, so now I'm supposed to be nice and make friends and treat her with mutual respect?
Chidi: Yeah!
Eleanor: That's exactly what she wants me to do, Chidi, wake up!
Chidi: That's what everyone wants everyone to do.

Your friend sounds like she's one pickle short of a pickle party.

[To a burrito she assumes is the judge] We've traveled a long distance to see you, O Great One.

We've been through every argument. Contractualist, Kantian, "What Would Superman do?", "What Would Rihanna Do?" Are we missing anything? Hit me right now with your most obscure, boring-est, old white dude with a long wizard beard mumbo-jumbo.

Okay, so what do we do?
[Chidi Groans]
Oh no, that was your moral quandary grimace, which is different from your gas pain grimace. And different from your someone said "from whence it came" instead of "whence it came" grimace.

Eleanor: All those ethics lessons paid off. Whoever said philosophy was stupid?
Chidi: You did, many times, as recently as this morning.

Eleanor: Can we be tested together as a group?
Jason: Yeah, we all need to be able to cheat off Chidi. Oh, that's why your name is Chidi. I get it now.

Janet: Conjure an image that brings you pure joy. Some people think of their wedding day, or favorite vacation spot.
Eleanor: [concentrating hard] People puking on roller coasters... people puking on roller coasters...

Eleanor: I bet you don't know anything about me.
Chidi: You were born in Phoenix. You went to school in Tempe. You're an only child. Your favorite show is something called "The Real Housewives of Atlanta" and your favorite "book" is Kendall Jenner's Instagram feed.
Eleanor: How did you know all that?
Chidi: Because you are constantly talking about yourself. You are the most self-obsessed person I have ever met.
Eleanor: You should see Kendall Jenner's Instagram feed.

Michael: Did you ever take off your shoes and socks on a commercial airline?
Eleanor: And socks? Ew, who would do that?
Michael: People who go to the Bad Place, Eleanor, that's the point. And unless I can figure out a compelling reason to keep you here, you will spend eternity with murderers, and arsonists, and people who take off their shoes and socks on commercial airlines.

Eleanor: I'm not mad, I'm just disappointed.
Michael: Oh, come on. Everyone knows that's worse.

Janet: In case you were wondering, I am, by definition, the best version of myself. Because my operating system is always updating.
Eleanor: I'm not sure that's true, Janet. You still haven't talked to Jason about your romantic baggage. And the three of you are in some sort of weird love triangle.
Janet: You don't know what you're talking about. Also, love isn't a triangle. It's a five-dimensional blob, so...

That Eleanor is a better Eleanor than this one. And that is not easy for me to say. "You're not better than me" was my yearbook quote.

Jason: I never thought I'd be the one to say it, but this is getting out of hand. I think we gotta go to the cops.
Eleanor: What cops? Where do you think we are?

I know it sounds crazy. But if it weren't crazy, they wouldn't call it a leap of faith. They would call it a sit of doubting.

Eleanor: You guys came to say goodbye because you're my friends.
Tahani: Well, I suppose some part of me possibly has a sense of casual kinship with you, much as one might be fond of a street cat.

I used to take her to the mall sometimes and bought her churro dogs. It's a hot dog, but the bun is two churros. And it's tied together with a Slim Jim. It's an Arizona delicacy.

Eleanor: Listen up, genius. He's going to call you in there in a second.
Jason: Don't worry, I got you. I'll just tell Michael you're the bomb and that you got a dope soul and hella ethics.
Eleanor: Oh, boy. Don't say any of that. Michael has a lie detector in there. It's a glowing cube.
Jason: Like the All-Spark? From Transformers?

What are you talking about? It is so easy to live with a lie. I once pretended to have a terminal illness to meet Scott Wolf at a Sunglass Hut. Victimless crime.

Chidi: Look, Janet has learned and grown. She's essentially living a life. We can't kill her.
Eleanor: Not with that attitude, we can't. Listen, man. I'm dead, you're dead. We all died, and now we're killing her. Pay it forward.
Chidi: No, that's not what that means at all, Eleanor.

Eleanor: We're doing one small murder-y thing for a bigger, better reason. The ends justify the means.
Chidi: Do you know who said that?
Eleanor: Was it someone nice and great, like Oprah?
Chidi: It was Machiavelli... a very non-Oprah-like figure. And what happens after we kill her? We'll have to lie to everyone about what we did. And lying is always wrong.

Why do bad things always happen to mediocre people who are lying about their identities?

Chidi: There's an old Chinese proverb... "Lies are like tigers. They are bad."
Eleanor: That's it?
Chidi: I guess it's more poetic in Mandarin.

Ha! How do you like them ethics? I just ethics'd you in the face, Chidi!

Buzz off, Bambadjan.

Chidi: Where is everyone?
Eleanor: Who knows? Maybe they finally figured out clam chowder is disgusting, 'cause it's basically a savory latte with bugs in it.

Michael: I'm an immortal being with abilities you can only dream of.
Eleanor: Yeah, and we're an Arizona dirt bag, a human turtleneck, a narcissistic monster, and literally the dumbest person I've ever met.
Jason: And who am I? Describe me now!

In the words of a very wise Bed, Bath, and Beyond employee I once knew, "Go ahead and cry all you want, but you're gonna have to pay for that toilet plunger."

Eleanor: I hate to be the bearer of bad news...
Jason: Uh, I think you mean Bad News Bear.

Eleanor: First of all, throwing sand is an excellent way to put out a vodka fire.
Chidi: Why would you even know that?!

Tahani: Oh, this is silly. So "Tahani" means "congratulations" in Arabic. And "Al-Jamil" means "beautiful," so my full name all together means-
Eleanor: "Congratulations, Beautiful."
Tahani: Thanks, Eleanor. You big flirt.

She wants everybody to think she's such a perfect princess just 'cause she's tall and glamorous and has cappuccino skin and curves everywhere. And now I'm complimenting her. And kind of turned on. The point is, she straight up sucks, bro.

Eleanor: Who has four toothbrushes, like Bill Gates or something?
Store Employee: No, that's like, for a family.
Eleanor: Family? Like, a whole family and their toothbrushes all together? Two slots for the parent toothbrushes and two slots for their kids?
Store Employee: Yup.
Eleanor: So the parent toothbrushes can be close to the kid toothbrushes and watch over them and they can all talk about their toothbrush feelings and they can hold their little toothbrush hands when they're sad and make sure no harm ever comes to their little bristles?
Store Employee: Sure.

Okay, bud, whatever's going on right now, just shove your feelings way down deep, plaster on a fake smile, and pretend like you're having fun. Okay? Just like I used to do when someone started talking about their kids.

Eleanor: I used to think about how it's weird they don't make pants that are just one big pant leg for both your legs.
Chidi: You mean a skirt?
Eleanor: No! You're not getting it and my thing is different so shut up.

Eleanor: Man. Michael is not into your class. Right now I'm the best student. I'm going to be the velociraptor.
Chidi: You trying to say valedictorian?

Eleanor: What is it with you and frozen yogurt? Have you not heard of ice cream?
Michael: Oh, sure, but I've come to really like frozen yogurt. There's something so human about taking something great and ruining it a little so you can have more of it.

No, Chidi, I used to do that. Now I do selfless things without even thinking about it.

Chidi: Do you hear music?
Eleanor: That's not music. That's EDM.

Are you going to talk? Or just walk around like a nerd trying to get a personal best on his Fitbit?

People are like nature's apps!

Why don't I ever listen to people when they talk about themselves? No, it's annoying, and I'm right not to.

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