Homer Simpson

149 quotes.

Quoted in: The Simpsons

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Quotes by Homer Simpson: The Simpsons

When I started this clown thing, I thought it would be nothing but glory. You know, the glory of being a clown. I tell you, it's hard, tiring work. But when I see the smiles on their little faces, I just know they're getting ready to jab me with something.


[to Marge] Fine. I’ll drop everything I’m doing just for you, but you’ll have to live with the guilt of ruining my Saturday.


Homer: Who are you?
Cesar Chavez: The spirit of Cesar Chavez.
Homer: Why do you look like Cesar Romero?
Cesar Chavez: Because you don’t know what Cesar Chavez looks like.


Of course. It’s so simple. Wait, no it’s not. It’s needlessly complicated.


Homer: Patty, Selma, I'm sorry. [Homer hugs Selma and Patty]
Selma: He's hugging us. What do we do?
Patty: Just close your eyes and think of MacGyver.


Bart: Nothing you say can upset us. We're the MTV generation.
Lisa: We feel neither highs or lows.
Homer: Really? What's it like?
Lisa: Ehh.


Don't worry, Marge. America's healthcare system is second only to Japan, Canada, Sweden, Great Britain... well, all of Europe. But you can thank your lucky stars we don't live in Paraguay!


Homer: OK, OK, we need $40,000. Now how much do we have in the checkbook?
Marge: Seventy dollars.
Homer: Hmm... have we deposited any $40,000 checks that haven't cleared yet?


Dr. Hibbert: Homer, I'm afraid you'll have to undergo a coronary bypass operation.
Homer: Say it in English, Doc!
Dr. Hibbert: You're going to need open-heart surgery.
Homer Simpson: Spare me your medical mumbo-jumbo!
Dr. Hibbert: We're going to cut you open and tinker with your ticker.
Homer Simpson: Could you dumb it down a shade?


Wow! Eye of the tiger. Mouth of a teamster. Just think of all the time I wasted on you! [points to Bart]


I've figured out the boy's punishment: First, he's grounded. No leaving the house, not even for school. Second, no egg nog. In fact, no nog, period. And third, absolutely no stealing for three months.


Dr. Hibbert: But what to do with poor Hugo? Too crazy for Boys Town, too much of a boy for Crazy Town. The child was an outcast. So, we did the only humane thing.
Homer: We chained Hugo up in the attic like an animal and fed him a bucket of fish heads once a week.
Marge: It's saved our marriage.


Scorpio: Hey, before we continue our tour, would you mind hanging my coat up on the wall, please?
Homer: [looks around the room] Mmmhmm. Umuhh now, let's see now. Umm...
Scorpio: Ahaha. Relax, Homer, at Globex we don't believe in walls. In fact, I didn't even give you my coat! [wears the coat backwards]


Homer: You used to be a boxer just like me?
Moe: Yup. They called me Kid Gorgeous. Later on, it was Kid Presentable. Then Kid Gruesome. And finally, Kid Moe.


Bart: Dad, do I have to brush my teeth?
Homer: No, but at least rinse your mouth out with soda.


Homer: Marge, will you marry me?
Marge: Why? Am I pregnant?


Lisa: You're very lucky to have Mom.
Homer: That's your advice? Go to bed!


Marge, I'm home! Where are you? Are you okay? I don't smell dinner. [finds a note and reads it aloud] "Dear Homer." Aww. "Sorry you didn't want to join me tonight. I left you hot dogs for dinner. They're thawing in the sink."


Marge: Oh! A punchbowl like that just screams good taste. Wouldn't it be perfect for the dinner party?
Homer: Oh, we can't afford that. Who do you think I am, Liz Taylor?
Marge: Well, maybe we could use it once and then return it.
Homer: Marge, we're not talking about a toothbrush here.


Marge: Homer, is this the way you pictured married life?
Homer: Yeah, pretty much. Except we drove around in a van solving mysteries.


Marge: I'm going into the dining room to have a conversation. Anyone who wants to join me is welcome. [goes into the dining room and speaks to herself in another voice] Hello Marge, how's the family? [in regular voice] I don't want to talk about it! Mind your own business!
Homer: Keep it down in there, everybody!


Homer: Now that we’re all alone, Marge, admit it, you like Lisa best.
Marge: No.
Homer: Oh, so you’re a Bart woman, are you?!
Marge: No.
Homer: Well you can’t possible like Maggie best. What has she ever done? Nothin’ for nobody!


Oh my God, Marge. A penalty shot with only four seconds left. It's your child versus mine! The winner will be showered with praise; the loser will be taunted and booed until my throat is sore!


Bart: Come watch TV with me, Dad. We missed the first two episodes of "Cops", but if we hurry we can catch the last three.
Homer: Aw, sorry Bart, Lisa and I are going out for a gelato. We'd ask you to come, but...you know.


Homer: Okay, little buddy, hop in! [Bart steps forward] Ah bah! I mean my little girl buddy.
Lisa: That's very nice, Dad, but it's wrong for you to reward violent, competitive behavior. However, I will sit up front with you if it's a fatherly gesture of love.
Homer: Okay, hon. [Lisa gets in the car] Sucker! Competitive violence! That's why you're here!


Kirk: I sleep in a racing car. Do you?
Homer: I sleep in a big bed with my wife.
Kirk: Oh. Yeah.


Son, come here. Of course I'm not mad. If something is hard to do then it's not worth doing. You just stick that guitar in the closet next to your short wave radio, your karate outfit and your unicycle and we'll go inside and watch TV.


To the Simpson mobile!


So, what do you like, Lisa? Vio-ma-lin? Tuba-ma-ba? Oboe-mo-boe?


Moe: You're gonna need to come up with a slogan that people are gonna remember you by.
Homer: Awwh, can't someone else do it?
Moe: "Can't someone else do it?" That's perfect.
Homer: Really?


Mr. Burns: If it's a crime to love one's country, then I'm guilty. And if it's a crime to steal a trillion dollars from our government, and hand it over to communist Cuba, then I'm guilty of that too. And if it's a crime to bribe a jury, then so help me, I'll soon be guilty of that.
Homer: God bless America!


Homer: Hey, I thought your mother told you to take a bath!
Bart: Yeah, mom says a lot of things.
Homer: Oh, I understand, kids. I'm not a bath man myself, more of a cologne man.


Homer: Singing is the lowest form of communication.
Marge: Homer, you sing all the time.
Homer: No I don't, I hate to rhyme.


Moe: Sounds like you're having a rough Christmas. You know what I blame this on the breakdown of? Society.
Homer: [drunk] Yeah, you're right, Moe… you're always Moe.


Trying is the first step toward failure.


[to his football team] Good practice team. OK, its time for the easiest part of any coach's job-the cut. Now, while I wasn't able to cut everybody I wanted to, I have cut a lot of you.


Homer: Now son, on your first day of school, I'd like to pass along the words of advice my father gave me. [remembers what his dad told him]
Grampa: Homer, you're as dumb as a mule and twice as ugly. If a strange man offers you a ride, I say take it!


Will you stop it! It's easy to blame ourselves, but it's even easier to blame Apu!


Everybody's marriages is falling apart except ours. You see the problem is communication.... too much communication.


Homer: Awww, this is the worst party ever.
Marge: Remember that New Year's Eve party at Lenny's? He didn't even have a clock.


Homer: Stupid Isotopes. Hurry up and lose so we can get outta here!
Lisa: Why do you hate the Isotopes so much, Dad?
Homer: Because I loved them once and they broke my heart. Let that be a lesson to you, sweetie. Never love anything.


Homer: Milking rats! They're milking rats!
Mayor Quimby: [to Fat Tony] Rats?! I am outraged! You promised me dog or higher!


I'm the luckiest man in the world, now that Lou Gehrig's dead.


Lisa: You promised to take us to the lake.
Homer: I promise you kids lots of things. That's what make me such a good father.
Lisa: Actually, keeping promises would make you a good father.
Homer: No that would make me a great father.


Lisa: Dad, women won't like being shot in the face.
Homer: Women will like what I tell them to like.


Marge: Okay, the material was a little corny, but Homer and I showed great chemistry on set.
Homer: Every day, I thought about firing Marge. You know, to shake things up.


Why did I take such punishment? Let's just say that fame was like a drug. But what was even more like a drug was the drugs.


Now, now, now, don't beat yourself up. *I'm* the one who drove her out of her seat. *I'm* the one who provoked the lethal barrage of T-shirts. *I'm* the one who parked in the ambulance zone, preventing any possible resuscitation. [Ned glares at Homer] Yeah, I, uh... but there's no point in playing the blame game.


Marge: Hmmm. Should the Simpsons get a horse?
Comic Book Guy: Excuse me, I believe this family already had a horse, and the expense forced Homer to work at the Kwik-E-Mart, with hilarious consequences.
Homer: Anybody care what this guy thinks?
Crowd: No!


Milhouse: Hey, I know how we can have some fun. I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with "D."
Nelson: Dingus! [punches Milhouse on the head]
Homer: God bless you, Nelson Muntz.
Nelson: Eh, I'm no hero. I just like to hit people on the head.


Bart: Barbershop? That ain't been popular since aught-six, dagnabbit.
Homer: Bart, what did I tell you?
Bart: No talking like a grizzled 1890s prospector, consarn it.


Oh Marge. What if I wind up as some vegetable watching TV on the couch. My important work will never be completed.


Lenny's Voice: Dental plan!
Marge's Voice: Lisa needs braces!
Homer: If we give up our dental plan...I'll have to pay for Lisa's braces!


Krusty: You people are pigs! I am personally gonna spit in every fiftieth burger!
Homer: Ooh, I like those odds!


It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.


Homer: Bart, didn't I ask you to watch Maggie?
Bart: Sounds like something you'd say.


My baloney has a first name: it's H-O-M-E-R. My baloney has a second name: it's H-O-M-E-R...


Homer: You're cute as a bug's ear.
Lisa: Fathers have to say that stuff!
Homer: Dad, am I cute as a bug's ear?
Grampa: No, you're homely as a mule's butt!
Homer: There, see?


Marge: Bart's grades are up a little this term, but Lisa's are way down.
Homer: We always have one good kid and one lousy kid. Why can't both our kids be good?
Marge: We have three kids, Homer.
Homer: Marge, the dog doesn't count as a kid!
Marge: No, Maggie.


Marge: You know, your father wanted to be a policeman for a little while, but they said he was too heavy.
Homer: No, the Army said I was too heavy. The police said I was too dumb.


Kent Brockman: So, it seems we've all been victims of a cruel hoax, masterminded by a 10-year old hooligan. The time has come for finger-pointing, and most of them are squarely aimed at the boy's parents.
Homer: It's not our fault! We didn't want the boy, he was an accident!


Bart: Dad, I've done everything I could and I've only got 35 bucks! Ugh! I am through with working, working is for chumps.
Homer: Son, I'm proud of you. I was twice your age before I figured that out.


Bart: I think Grampa smells like that trunk in the garage where the bottom's all wet.
Lisa: No, I think he smells more like a photo lab.
Homer: Stop it, you two! Grampa smells like a normal old man, which is more like a hallway in a hospital.


Artie: There is a difference between ignorance and stupidity.
Homer: Not to me, there isn't.


[Patching the roof with tar]
Ralph: Mr. Simpson, the tar fumes are making me dizzy!
Homer: Yeah, they'll do that.


[The doorbell rings]
Lisa: Oh no, it's Ralph! Just make up some excuse!
Homer: [answering the door] She's in the can. Go away.
Ralph: Yes, sir! I'd do anything for Lisa.


Can you believe Flanders threw out a perfectly good toothbrush?


Lisa: Ralph thinks I like him but I only gave him a valentine because I felt sorry for him.
Homer: Ah, sweet pity. Where would my love life have been without it?


Lisa: What do you say to a boy to let him know you're not interested?
Marge: Well, honey, when I...
Homer: Let me handle this, Marge; I've heard 'em all. I like you as a friend... I think we should see other people... I no speak English...
Lisa: I get the idea.
Homer: I'm married to the sea... I don't want to kill you, but I will...


Homer: Hey, you don't look so rich.
Bill Gates: Don't let the haircut fool you, I'm exceedingly wealthy.


Ned: Maude and I sell religious foot rugs over the internet.
Homer: Internet, eh?
Ned: Yes indeedy, making some good scratch too.
Homer: Scratch, eh?
Ned: Yep!
Homer: Maude, eh?


Don't you hate pants?


Agent: Now, when I say, "Hello, Mr. Thompson," and press down on your foot, you smile and nod.
Homer: No problem.
Agent: Hello, Mr. Thompson! [presses on Homer's foot]
Homer: [whispers to other agent] I think he's talking to you.


[Answering the phone] You'll have to speak up, I'm wearing a towel.


Oh, I have three kids and no money. Why can't I have no kids and three money?


In this house we obey the laws of thermodynamics!


Hutz: Mr. Simpson, I was just going through your garbage, and I couldn't help overhearing that you need a babysitter. Of course, being a highly-skilled attorney, my fee is $175 an hour.
Homer: We pay eight dollars for the night, and you can take two popsicles out of the freezer.
Hutz: Three.
Homer: Two.
Hutz: OK, two. And I get to keep this old bird cage.
Homer: Done!
Hutz: [proudly] Still got it.


Homer: Marge, you can't go out on Saturday! That's our special night.
Marge: What's so special about it?
Homer: What's so... oh, I don't know. A little show called "Dr. Quinn: Medicine Woman"?


Skinner: You're stealing a table?
Homer: I'm not stealin' it. Hotels expect you to take a few things. It's a souvenir.
Skinner: Ah. Is that my necktie you're wearing?
Homer: Souvenir.


Homer: What does "sequestered" mean?
Skinner: If the jury is deadlocked, they are put in a hotel together so they can't communicate with the outside world.
Homer: What does "deadlocked" mean?
Skinner: It's when the jury can't agree on a verdict.
Homer: Uh-huh. And "if"?
Skinner: A conjunction meaning, "in the event that", or, "on condition that."
Homer: So "if" we don't all vote the same way we'll be "deadlocked" and have to be "sequestered" in the Springfield Palace Hotel.


To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems.


Marge: I'm tired of looking like the world's worst mother.
Homer: Oh, honey, you're not the world's worst mother. What about that freezer lady in Georgia?


Marge: Ooh, that sounds fabulous, Homer. Stores throw the best parties.
Homer: You like parties, huh? Well, I just remembered they're having a big one down at the waterfront this weekend.
Marge: You didn't remember that. You just saw it on TV.
Homer: The important thing is I didn't imagine it.


One, Poochie needs to be louder, angrier, and have access to a time machine. Two, whenever Poochie's not on screen, all the other characters should be asking "Where's Poochie"?


Sharry Bobbins: Hello, I'm Sharry Bobbins.
Homer: Did you say Mary Pop-?
Sharry Bobbins: No! I definitely did not! I'm an original creation, like Rickey Rouse and Monald Muck.


Homer: So, Mr. Burns is gonna make us all go on a stupid corporate retreat up in the mountains to learn about teamwork. Which means we'll have to cancel our plans to hang around here.
Bart: Teamwork is overrated.
Homer: Huh?
Bart: Think about it. I mean, what team was Babe Ruth on? Who knows.
Lisa and Marge: Yankees.


Bart: Sharing is a bunch of bull, too. And helping others. And what's all this crap I've been hearing about tolerance?
Homer: Hmm. Your ideas are intriguing to me and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter.


Mr. Burns: We have several hours before the others arrive, let's say we get comfy. [turns on the fuse box] Now we have electricity. [turns on the gas] This propane tank will supply us with heat. And this doorknob, properly turned, will allow us access to the cabin.
Homer: No going through the window for us!


Smithers: Each two-man team will work its way through the wilderness to a cabin hidden somewhere on this mountain. The routes are treacherous, so use your maps.
Homer: [raising his hand] Uh, I lost my map.
Smithers: You haven't been issued a map, yet.


Homer: You know, Mr. Burns, you're the richest guy I know. Way richer than Lenny.
Mr. Burns: Oh, yes. But I'd trade it all for a little more.


Mr. Burns: If you can take advantage of a situation in some way, it's your duty as an American to do it. Why should the race always be to the swift, or the Jumble to the quick-witted? Should they be allowed to win merely because of the gifts God gave them? Well I say, "Cheating is the gift man gives himself."
Homer: Mr. Burns, I insist that we cheat!


Lisa: Why aren't there any pictures of Maggie?
Homer: Well I'm glad you asked. It's actually a very interesting story. It all began about two years ago before Maggie was even born... Bart, you were Lisa's age and Lisa, you were... the age Bart was several years ago.


Lisa: Why don't we all look at the photo album?
Homer: So many memories. Aw, look ... Knightboat.
Bart and Lisa: Aww...
Homer: And here's our TV next to the mirror! It looks like we have two.
Bart and Lisa: Wow, two!


Homer: Ah, another perfect day in my perfect life with my perfect job.
Chief Wiggum: Hey, just heard the news over the squawk box. That's nice work, Homer.
Homer: Thank you, thank you very much. It is nice work.
Apu: Oh, Mr. Simpson, I have just heard about the little bundle of joy. Congratulations, sir!
Homer: It's true, the bundle is little, but I'm not in it for the money.
Moe: Hey, Homer! Way to get Marge pregnant! Haha...
Homer: This is getting very abstract, but thank you, I do enjoy working at the bowling alley. ... Hey, wait a second... What are all these presents? It looks like you're showering Marge with gifts... hmm... With little tiny baby-sized gifts. Well, I'll be in the tub.
Maude: Oh and by the way, congratulations on your new job, Homer.
Homer: New job? Marge is pregnant!? Nooooooooo! Aahhhhhhh!


Homer: This was the happiest time of my life. I'll never forget you guys. Especially you, Joey.
Joey: See you 'round, Mr. Homer.
Homer: Don't worry, Joey, we'll make it to California some day.
Joey: Sure we will, Mr. Homer, sure we will.


Marge... this is everything I've ever dreamed of right here - and no one's going to take it away from me! You never had faith in me before, but let me tell you - the slim lazy Homer you knew is dead! Now I'm a big fat dynamo! And where's that cake?


All my life I've been an obese man trapped inside a fat man's body.


I don't want to look like a weirdo. I'll just go with the muumuu.


Marge: Now about your punishment, young man.
Bart: I know, I'll go to my room and think about what I did.
Homer: Oh, no, your room is full of toys. You're going to the, uh, garage.
Bart: You're the boss.


Homer: Barney, where have you been?
Barney: All I can remember about the last two months is giving a guest lecture at Villanova. Or maybe it was a street corner.


Homer: Now, what do you have to wash that awful taste out of my mouth?
Khlav Kalash Vendor: Mountain Dew or Crab Juice.
Homer: Blecch! Ew! Sheesh! I'll take a crab juice.


It may be on a lousy channel, but The Simpsons are on TV!


Are you tired of having your hands cut off by snowblowers? And the inevitable heart attacks that come with shoveling snow?


Do you come with the car?


Bart, Homer: You don't win friends with salad! You don't win friends with salad! You don't win friends with salad...


Homer: Are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Ham?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Pork chops?
Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal.
Homer: Heh heh heh. Ooh, yeah, right, Lisa. A wonderful, magical animal.


Reverend Lovejoy: Homer, I'd like you to remember Matthew 7:26. "The foolish man who built his house upon the sand."
Homer: And you remember ... Matthew... 21:17.
Reverend Lovejoy: "And he left them and went out of the city, into Bethany, and he lodged there?"
Homer: Yeah. Think about it.


Uh, Lisa, the whole reason we have elected officials is so we don't have to think all the time. Just like that rainforest scare a few years back. Our officials saw there was a problem and they fixed it, didn't they?


TV Weatherman: There's a 75% chance of hilarity!
Homer: I like those odds.


Homer: I've gone back to the time when dinosaurs weren't just confined to zoos! OK, don't panic -- remember the advice your father gave you on your wedding day.
[In Homer's Memory:]
Grampa: If you ever travel back in time, don't step on anything because even the tiniest change can alter the future in ways you can't imagine.


In America, first you get the sugar, then you get the power, then you get the women.


Homer: And you didn't think I'd make any money. I found a dollar while I was waiting for the bus.
Marge: While you were out "earning" that dollar, you lost forty dollars by not going to work. The plant called and said if you don't come in tomorrow, don't bother coming in Monday.
Homer: Woo hoo! A four-day weekend.


Kids, you tried your best, and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.


Marge, I agree with you... in theory. In theory, communism works.


Marge... I think I hate Ted Koppel! No, wait, I find him informative and witty.


Mr. Simpson, don't you worry. I watched Matlock in a bar last night. The sound wasn't on, but I think I got the gist of it.


Homer: See, I've got this friend named... Joey Joe Joe Junior... Shabadoo?
Moe: That's the worst name I've ever heard.
[A man runs out of the bar in tears]
Barney: Hey, Joey Joe Joe!


Homer: Aw, twenty dollars...I wanted a peanut!
Homer's brain: Twenty dollars can buy many peanuts!
Homer: Explain how.
Homer's brain: Money can be exchanged for goods and services.


Stupid TV! Be more funny!


Homer: Look, the important thing is that we all learned a lesson. These guys learned the richness and variety of the world outside college.
Nerd: No we didn't.
Homer: Oh. Then I learned the real value of college is to study, and work hard.
Lisa: No you didn't. You only passed your course by cheating, which you always taught us was wrong.
Homer: Hmm... true.


Marge: An A+! How did you do it?
Homer: Oh, let's just say I had help from a little magic box.
Marge: You changed your grade with a computer?
Homer: D'oh!


I am so smart! I am so smart! S-M-R-T! I mean, S-M-A-R-T...


Marge: Homer, there's a family of possums in here.
Homer: I call the big one "Bitey."


Homer: Well, John Q. Driveway has our number. Now we play the waiting game...
[After waiting a few seconds]
Homer: Ah, the waiting game sucks. Let's play Hungry Hungry Hippos!


Homer: There's a $10,000 bill in it for you.
Barney: Oh yeah? Which president's on it?
Homer: ...all of them. They're having a party. Jimmy Carter is passed out on the couch.


But the sign said "All you can eat!"


Lisa: According to Eternity Magazine, you can lose weight through subliminal learning. That's where an idea is suddenly implanted in your head without you even knowing it.
Homer: Oh Lisa, that's a load of rich creamery butter.


Reporter #1: (reporting on a space launch) Unbelievable, just imagine the logistics of weightlessness. And of course, this could have literally millions of applications here on Earth, in everything from watch making to watch repair.
Homer: Bo-ring!
Reporter #1: Now let's look at the crew a little.
Reporter #2: They're a colorful bunch. They've been dubbed "The Three Musketeers."
[the reporters chuckle]
Reporter #1: And we laugh legitimately. There's a mathematician, a different kind of mathematician, and a statistician.


You're right, Marge. Just like the time I could have met Mr. T at the mall. The entire day I kept saying, "I'll go a little later. I'll go a little later." And then when I got there, they told me he'd just left. And when I asked the mall guy if he would ever come back again, he said he didn't know. Well, I'm never going to let something like that happen again! I'm going into space right now!


Scorpio: Your job will be to manage and motivate them. Give 'em the benefit of your years of experience.
Homer: Don't worry, that won't take long.


Homer: Wow, my boss!
Scorpio: Don't call me that word. I don't like things that elevate me about the other people. I'm just like you. Oh, sure, I come later in the day, I get paid a lot more and I take longer vacations, but I don't like the word "boss".


Apu: Hello. I am not interested in buying your house, but I would like to use your rest room, flip through your magazines, rearrange your carefully shelved items and handle your food products in an unsanitary manner. Ha! Now you know how it feels!
Homer: Thank you. Come again.


Marge: You took a new job in a strange town without discussing it with your family?
Homer: Of course not. I wouldn't do that! ... Why not?
Marge: We have roots here, Homer. We have friends and family and library cards... Bart's lawyer is here.


Mr. Scorpio says productivity is up two percent, and it's all because of my motivational techniques! Like donuts. And the possibility of more donuts to come.


Scorpio: Hey, Homer, what's your least favorite country, Italy or France?
Homer: France.
Scorpio: Nobody ever says Italy.


Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.


Wow, what an ending! Who'd have thought that Darth Vader was Luke Skywalker's father?


Oh, Marge. You're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.


I don't know the scientific explanation, but fire made it good.


Marge: So, Mr. Hutz, does my husband have a case?
Hutz: I'm sorry, Mrs. Simpson, but you can't copyright a drink.
Homer: Oh!
Hutz: This all goes back to the Frank Wallbanger case of '78. How about that! I looked something up! These books behind me don't just make the office look good, they're filled with useful legal tidbits just like that!


Well, you know, we're always buying Maggie vaccinations for diseases she doesn't even have.


Homer: Hello, my name is Mr. Burns. I believe you have a letter for me.
Postal Worker: Okay, Mr. Burns, uh, what's your first name?
Homer: I... don't know.


Marge, you're my wife, I love you very much, but you're living in a world of make-believe! With flowers and bells and leprechauns and magic frogs with funny little hats.


Come on, Bart! Remember what Vince Lombardi said: If you lose, you're out of the family!


Lionel Hutz: Now, Mr. Nahasapeemapetilon, if that is your real name, is it true you have never forgotten anything?
Apu: No sir. In fact, I can recite pi to 40,000 places. The last digit is 1.
Homer: Mmmmm... pie.


Bart: Mom's gonna kill you.
Homer: If she didn't want her car ruined, she should've done a better job hiding her keys.


Homer: Marge, if you don't mind, I'm a little busy right now achieving financial independence.
Marge: With cans of grease?
Homer: [Sarcastically] No! Through savings and wise investment. Of course with grease!


This is the darkest day in the history of Springfield. If anyone wants me, I'll be in the shower.


Hey! Apu just called. This Friday, Lisa's team is playing Bart's team. You'll be in direct competition! And I don't want you to go easy on each other just because you're brother and sister. I want to see you both fighting for your parents' love! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

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