Quoted in: The Good Place

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Quotes by Janet: The Good Place

Michael: Okay, um, how do I explain this concisely? This is Tuesdays... and also July.
Janet: And sometimes it's never.

Humans only live 80 years, and they spend so much of it just waiting for things to be over.

Can I get you started with some drinks? Our specialty cocktail tonight is the Fourth of July. It's half an apple pie blended with Southern Comfort and Coca-Cola, served in a Chevy hubcap.

Simone and Chidi are good together. I've been running simulations on what their kids will be like. One of them is hot enough to be on "The Bachelor" and smart enough to never go on "The Bachelor."

Michael: I got to ride a bike. I put a coin in a thing and got a gumball. And then someone came up to me and said, "hot enough for ya?", and you know what I said? I said, "tell me about it!"
Janet: Well I am glad that you got to chew a gumball.
Michael: Oh, damn. I didn't even think to chew it. Missed opportunity, shoot.

Ooh, I've never had to walk before, this is fun! [Walks a few steps] Now I'm bored. Walking is dumb.

Jason: And to Janet, the best robot.
Janet: Not a robot.
Jason: Girl.
Janet: Not a girl.
Jason: And straight-up hottie.
Janet: I am attractive, yes.

Oh, really? Is it an error to act unpredictably and behave in ways that run counter to how you were programmed to behave?

Jason: I don't want to lose you, girl.
Janet: I'm not a girl.

Michael: She was feeling a little lost so I gave her a self-help book to restore her confidence.
Janet: Now I'm living my truth and creating my bliss.

It's turns out the best Janet was the Janet that was inside Janet all along.

Chidi: This equipment is very scary!
Janet: Don't be a baby. It can't hurt you. Watch, I'll blowtorch your face off.
Michael: Janet.
Janet: Whatever. This whole thing is stupid.

Fun fact, Janet is me.

Michael: Sorry about this. I steered her away from colloquialisms and into "fun facts" and "trivia tidbits." I thought it'd be more in her wheelhouse.
Janet: Fun fact, a "wheelhouse" is a part of a boat.

Michael: You know, get out of your comfort zone. Become a trail blazer.
Janet: Fun fact, all deceased members of the Portland Trail Blazers basketball team are also in The Bad Place.

Chidi: I'll see you guys tomorrow.
Janet: Not if I see you first! Where's the beef? Hump day.

Janet: Conjure an image that brings you pure joy. Some people think of their wedding day, or favorite vacation spot.
Eleanor: [concentrating hard] People puking on roller coasters... people puking on roller coasters...

Chidi: Exploring makes me nervous. I have what doctors call "directional insanity." I once got lost on an escalator. So not exactly Christopher Columbus.
Janet: Fun fact! Columbus is in the Bad Place because of all the raping, slave trade, and genocide!

Janet: In case you were wondering, I am, by definition, the best version of myself. Because my operating system is always updating.
Eleanor: I'm not sure that's true, Janet. You still haven't talked to Jason about your romantic baggage. And the three of you are in some sort of weird love triangle.
Janet: You don't know what you're talking about. Also, love isn't a triangle. It's a five-dimensional blob, so...

Janet: Michael, good news. I was able to obtain Eleanor Shellstrop's file.
Michael: Is it actually a cactus?
Janet: I don't understand.
Michael: I want to see the file for Eleanor Shellstrop. Is that what you have, or do you have a cactus?
Janet: I have the file.
Michael: You're sure? You have the file and not a cactus?
Janet: That is correct. I have Eleanor Shellstrop's file. I do not have a cactus.
Michael: Excellent. Please, give me the file.
Janet: Here you go. [Hands Michael a cactus]

Fun fact... The first Janet had a click wheel.

Michael: Janet, what's a food that people think they enjoy but that's also kind of a bummer?
Janet: Frozen yogurt.

I know what you have to do now. Kill me! Sorry, I say everything in a cheery manner, but in this case in may be inappropriate, so I'll try again.

I suppose after 802 reboots I must have gained the ability to lie. That's fun! I want to try to lie again. I love your outfit.

Hi, guys! I'm broken.

Fun fact: mathematically, it's equally likely to either im- or ex-plode.

I have tickets to Hamilton next week, and there's a rumor that Daveed Diggs is coming back!

That's the good news. The bad news is I seem to be losing my ability to sustain object permanence. So it's sort of a glass half full, glass stops existing in time and space kind of deal.

Janet: We are so in sync we're finishing each other's...
Derek: Derek!

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