Quotes by Jason Mendoza: The Good Place
Gel Mibson: ... this person. A man who is so flagrantly ignoring the "one lollipop per customer" rule.
Jason: No, I walked out and back in each time, so I'm different customers.
Man, there's so many times that just this amount of money would have changed my life. I could have paid my rent. I could have gone to a real doctor instead of pretending I was a big dog so I could go to the vet.
I love getting my name on stuff. In Jacksonville, I got a flu virus named after me 'cause I kissed a bat on a dare.
My cousin once hired me to do crowd control for his off-brand SeaWorld. Well, technically, it was just a bunch of kiddie pools full of jellyfish, and instead of a killer whale, they killed a whale.
I have to watch the Jaguars games at home on my computer at like, 3:00 in the morning on Mondays. It's so annoying. Everything here is in a... I don't know how to describe it. Like, a different zone of time. No, that sounds stupid. A different clock land.
Tahani: Gosh, you're pretty.
Jason: No, you're pretty. Pretty beautiful.
Awesome! I love being on teams. And if we're on a team now, we need nicknames. Optimus, Bumblebee, Jazz, ugh, Megatron. That's what you can each call me. Now we need nicknames for you guys.
Simone: Hopefully, none of you is claustrophobic.
Jason: Clausterphobic? Who would ever be scared of Santa Claus? Oh! The Jewish.
I know this sounds crazy, but I'm starting to think there might be more to life than amateur street dancing competitions.
If my life ended today, what would my legacy be? Sure, I did a wheelie on a dirt bike through an entire Waffle House, and I was once interviewed on the news for finding a foot on the beach, but yo, other than that, I have no truly great accomplishments.
I want you thinking about dance 24/7. That means every day, you think 20 thoughts about dance for seven minutes.
Jason: My life is just kinda messed up right now. I had a really tough year.
Michael: I'm sorry. Want to talk about it? I'm a pretty good listener.
Jason: Well, my year started about a year ago...
Jason: Can I ask you a question about where we're going?
Jason: Where are we going? I forgot.
Jason: And to Janet, the best robot.
Janet: Not a robot.
Janet: Not a girl.
Jason: And straight-up hottie.
Janet: I am attractive, yes.
She's my everything. She makes the bass drop in my heart.
I wasn't a failed DJ. I was pre-successful.
Jason: I don't want to lose you, girl.
Janet: I'm not a girl.
I was scared, dawg, but then I remembered my parole officer's advice, "keep your mouth shut or they'll throw a book at you."
I hate suits. They remind me of court, and going to court, and being my own lawyer against the advice of a judge in court, and getting immediately convicted in court...
I'm telling you, Molotov cocktails work. Anytime I had a problem and I threw a Molotov cocktail, boom! Right away, I had a different problem.
Jason: I don't know, this plan seems complicated.
Eleanor: To be fair, you also once said that about an orange.
Jason: They don't make sense. Apples you eat their clothes, but oranges you don't? Forget this plan.
Michael: There's also an IHOP.
Jason: Oh! I'm gonna order the Rooty Tooty Fresh 'N Fruity!
Michael: No, sorry. In this realm, IHOP stands for "Interdimensional Hole of Pancakes". You don't really eat these pancakes. It's more like they eat you.
Jason: Okay. I'll get eggs, then.
We gave it our best shot, guys. I say we go through the portal, get a good night's sleep, come back fresh in the morning. Try it again.
Judge Gen: Jason, your test was about impulse control, and you showed great improvements, but you never asked if you could opt not to play. I mean, you basically told me, an all-knowing judge, to just shut up and go away. Do you realize how insane that is?
Jason: Not as insane as picking off the greatest quarterback of all time, Black Bortles, to set up a last second game-winning field goal.
Eleanor: Can we be tested together as a group?
Jason: Yeah, we all need to be able to cheat off Chidi. Oh, that's why your name is Chidi. I get it now.
What do you guys think The Bad Place is gonna be for you? I'll probably go to a Skrillex concert and I'll be waiting for the bass drop, and it... it'll never come.
Long story short, it was all a dream.
Jason: So many memories of this place. Eating frozen yogurt and then having diarrhea and then eating more frozen yogurt and then more diarrhea. Maybe I should've realized this isn't The Good Place because of all the diarrhea.
Chidi: Maybe you shouldn't be eating all that frozen yogurt right now.
Michael: Now, getting to the Good Place is pretty tricky. There's no train to catch. I have to design a complicated, unique transportation vehicle.
Jason: Is it Optimus Prime?
Jason: I can't believe we get to ride a real-life Optimus Prime. I call right nipple. That's shotgun on Optimus Prime.
Michael: Oh, Chidi, Sorry, I got a joke for you, bud. Uh, knock, knock.
Chidi: Who's there?
Michael: You died alone because you couldn't commit to anyone.
Jason: You died alone because you couldn't commit to anyone who?
Michael: Jason, buddy. All you had to do was to keep quiet, but you couldn't stop talking about Kendall Jenner or that dumb quarterback, what was his name, Derek Bortles? Always ranting about Derek Bortles. Lucky for you my friend, Jaguars games are the only ones televised in the Bad Place because they suuuck!
Jason: No they don't! All we need is a defense and an offense and some rule changes.
Jason: I never thought I'd be the one to say it, but this is getting out of hand. I think we gotta go to the cops.
Eleanor: What cops? Where do you think we are?
I can't believe Michael betrayed us again. Why is it always the ones you most expect?
Eleanor: Listen up, genius. He's going to call you in there in a second.
Jason: Don't worry, I got you. I'll just tell Michael you're the bomb and that you got a dope soul and hella ethics.
Eleanor: Oh, boy. Don't say any of that. Michael has a lie detector in there. It's a glowing cube.
Jason: Like the All-Spark? From Transformers?
What the? Oh, man. We got robbed! They took the walls, they took the floors, and we were standing here the whole time? These guys are good.
Jason: Yo, yo! Homies, check it! There's something messed up with this place. We keep fighting with each other, none of the TVs get the NFL RedZone channel, my soulmate doesn't even know who Blake Bortles is. I know this sounds crazy, but I think we're in the bad place.
Michael: Jason figured it out? Jason? This is a real low point. Yeah, this one hurts.
Michael: I'm an immortal being with abilities you can only dream of.
Eleanor: Yeah, and we're an Arizona dirt bag, a human turtleneck, a narcissistic monster, and literally the dumbest person I've ever met.
Jason: And who am I? Describe me now!
The point is, you're cool, dope, fresh, and smart-brained. I've never seen you dance, but I bet you're good, 'cause you're good at everything. You're awesome! Be nicer to yourself.
Eleanor: I hate to be the bearer of bad news...
Jason: Uh, I think you mean Bad News Bear.
Jason: I’ll tell you what I want to know right now before we go any further. Did the Jacksonville Jaguars win the Super Bowl last year?
Michael: Oh, you’re serious. No.
Jason: Will they every win the Super Bowl?
Michael: Jason, I can’t predict the future. But no, they won’t.
I’m not supposed to be here either. I don't know how I got here, I have no idea what's going on, and I am freakin' out homie! You gotta help me. I'm scared!
Jason: Back in Jacksonville, I was in charge of a 60-person dance crew. Whenever we auditioned a new dancer, we would rate them in five categories: dancing ability, coolness, dopeness, freshness, and smart-brained. I would give you an eight in every category.
Tahani: Well, eight isn't bad, I suppose.
Jason: No, no, eight is the best! It was a scale of one to thirteen but eight is highest. The scale went up and then back down like a tent.
I think Tahani's just embarrassed I'm not some kind of scientist who forecloses on banks.
I have no idea what's going on right now but everyone else is talking and I think I should too!
I'm too young to die and too old to eat off the kids menu! What a stupid age I am.
She's so pretty, like Nala from The Lion King. And she talks so smart, like, um, Nala, from The Lion King.
Can I be excused? Tahani's doing a brunch party and I want to get there before all the mini-waffles run out.
I was just about to tell an awesome story about a wing-eating contest that I lost, and a barfing contest that I won, but then a hole opened up in the ground.
Yo, you should listen to me. I came up with hundreds of plans in my life and only one of them got me killed.
I miss being myself. Myself was the best.
This is my bud-hole! It's just like a hole where me and my buds can hang out.
Everyone thinks I'm Taiwanese. I'm Filipino. That's racist. Heaven is so racist.
Showing 52 quotes.