Quotes by Jeff Winger: Community
Annie: Exactly: there's a conspiracy here. A dark, vast conspiracy that may just go all the way to the top.
Jeff: This is Greendale, Annie. If there's a conspiracy, it goes all the way to *slightly* below the middle.
[Troy and Jeff are playing basketball]
Troy: Ready for The Bus Driver, Winger? You know why they call me The Bus Driver, right?
Jeff: 'Cause you've been traveling all day?
Troy: 'Cause I'm taking your butt to school.
[After being kicked in the face by Buddy] No no, its fine, it's fine. It's just little a nose bleed. I get 'em when it's dry and when my face gets kicked.
Jeff: She confessed to protect her classmates, because you were threatening to flunk everyone!
Duncan: You did what?
Chang: Oh, shut your pompous vortex of overlapping fangs!
Duncan: Hey, British dentistry is not on trial!
Jeff: These are lyrics from songs from Dave.
Jeff: Dave Matthews... oh, excuse me for being alive in the nineties and having two ears connected to a heart.
Jeff: You're really doing this? Look, as someone who faked being a lawyer for seven years, I appreciate your commitment to the bit, but just admit you were wrong.
Britta: So you can say I Britta'd it?
Jeff: Yes, of course. That goes without saying. But come on, it was a small mistake. Call this off before it becomes a full-scale "Brittastrophe." I coined that.
I'm gonna go get a sandwich, which, unlike "changnesia," is real.
I'm no sociopath. I always know what I'm doing is wrong.
Abed: Okay, here's the plan. [starts mumbling nonsense]
Jeff: Abed! What did I tell you? You can't just mumble nonsense. No one's cutting away.
Jeff: Hey, buddy. Where'd you go?
Duncan: I was taking care of my sick mother. She's still alive, but I've put in my time.
Let's do what people do. Let's get a house we can't afford and a dog that makes us angry.
I teach law at Greendale, so believe me, I don't know much about law.
Britta: See you at Denny's?
Jeff: Denny's is for winners.
Jeff: The show's gonna last three weeks!
Abed: Six seasons and a movie!
I'm sorry, Annie. I'm not the worker bee type. I'm more of a silverback gorilla with the claws of a lion, the teeth of a shark, and quiet dignity of a tortoise.
I'm a stylish American, Professor. I've been forcing myself to be into soccer since 2004.
We earn the right to pick on Greendale by going there every day. Our school may be a toilet, but it's our toilet. Nobody craps in it but us.
Well, Shirley, since you've clearly failed to grasp the central insipid metaphor of those Twilight books you devour, let me explain it to you: Men are monsters who crave young flesh. The end.
Now she is going to make the Disney face. Her lips will quiver and her eyelids will flutter, but they will not close.
Pierce: Ay-bed, your social skills aren't exactly "streets ahead." Know what I mean?
Abed: I don't.
Jeff: You're not alone in this case. Pierce, stop trying to coin the phrase "streets ahead."
Pierce: Trying? Coined and minted! Been there, coined that! "Streets ahead" is verbal... wildfire!
Annie: Does it just mean "cool," or is it supposed to be like, "miles ahead"?
Pierce: If you have to ask, you're streets behind.
Jeff: Good luck, Pierce.
Pierce: Don't need it, never had it.
This is based on hearsay. Less than hearsay: Pierce's Twitter account, which says he is forty and runs a women-only pilates class.
The biggest truths aren't original. The truth is ketchup. It's Jim Belushi. Its job isn't to blow our minds. It's to be within reach, and the truth is, I get claustrophobic when things get official.
True or falso or none of the above? That doesn't make any sense.
To me, religion is like Paul Rudd. I see the appeal, and I would never take it away from anyone. But I would also never stand in line for it.
Britta: I was wrong, okay? Material possessions are important. Think how much happier the Jeffersons were than that family on "Good Times".
Jeff: Yeah, but they had good times.
Britta: You're not going to Annie's party?
Jeff: I have a conflict. It conflicts with the enjoyment of my life.
You know what I don't get? He never wears a shirt. He never wears shoes. Why hasn't he died from lack of service?
No no, its fine, it's fine. It's just little a nose bleed. I get 'em when it's dry and when my face gets kicked.
Pierce: To the empowerage of words.
Jeff: To the irony of that sentence.
Jeff: Uh, I am in a bit of a jam. The state Bar has suspended my license. They found out my college degree was less than legitimate.
Duncan: I thought you had a Bachelor's from Columbia?
Jeff: And now I have to get one from America. And it can't be an e-mail attachment.
Jeff: I discovered at a very early age that if I talk long enough, I can make anything right or wrong. So either I'm God or truth is relative. In either case, booyah!
Duncan: Interesting, it's just that the average person has a much harder time saying 'booyah' to moral relativism.
Jeff: I see your value now.
Abed: That is the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Duncan: Have you ever heard of the saying "Cheaters never prosper"?
Jeff: Duncan, if I wanted to learn something, I wouldn't have gone to community college.
Shirley: I'm not mad. I'm disappointed.
Jeff: That's mom for mad.
You hear that? That's not a heart monitor, it's a machine telling me I'm low on khakis.
No woman, none of us have to go to anyone. And the idea that we do is a mental illness we contracted from breath mint commercials and Sandra Bullock. We can't keep going to each other until we learn to go to ourselves. Stop making our hatred of ourselves someone else's job and just stop hating ourselves.
Friends don't do what you did to us. Did the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants poison each other's food so they were too sick to leave? No! I've never seen it, but I'm pretty sure they MAILED EACH OTHER PANTS!
Jeff: I'm saying, you're a football player. It's in your blood!
Troy: That's racist.
Jeff: Your soul.
Troy: That's racist.
Jeff: Your eyes?
Troy: That's gay?
Jeff: That's homophobic.
Troy: That's black.
Jeff: *That's* racist.
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