Quotes by Michael Scott: The Office (US)
Webster's Dictionary defines 'wedding' as 'the fusing of two metals with a hot torch.' Well you know something? I think you guys are two medals. Gold medals.
I have a very difficult decision to make. It's like last week I was at the video store. Do I rent Devil Wares Prada, again, or do I finally get around to seeing Sophie's Choice? It is what you would call a classic difficult decision.
I am just a net, that traps all of your crappy subconscious ideas, and adds a little bit of my own childhood memories and whimzy so--
Snip snap! Snip snap! Snip snap! I did. You have no idea the physical toll, that three vasectomies have on a person. And I bought this condo to fill with children.
Michael Scott's Dunder Mifflin Scranton Meredith Palmer Memorial Celebrity Rabies Awareness Pro-am Fun Run Race For The Cure
Oh I am taking responsibility. And it is up to me, to get rid of the curse, that hit Meredith, with my care. I am not superstitious, but I'm a little 'stitious.
Do I need to be liked? Absolutely not. I like to be liked. I enjoy being liked. I have to be liked. But it's not like this, compulsive, need, to be liked. Like my need to be praised.
Guess what? I have flaws. What are they? Oh I donno, I sing in the shower? Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I'll hit somebody with my car. So sue me-- no, don't sue me. That is opposite the point I'm trying to make.
Why did the convict have to be a black guy. It is such a stereotype. I just wish that Josh had made a more progressive choice. Like a white guy. Who went to prison for... polluting a black guy's lake.
Close your eyes. Picture a convict. What's he wearing? Nothing special. Baseball cap on backward, baggy pants. He says something ordinary like, 'yo that's shizzle'. Okay, now slowly open your eyes again. Who you picturing? A black man? Wrong. That was a white woman. Surprised? Well shame on you.
I didn't hire an ex-convict. Unless they mean Toby. Convicted rapist.
The worst thing about prison was the... was the dementors. They were flying all over the place and they were scary and then they'd come down and they'd suck the soul out of your body. And it hurt!
Pam: Well I just wanna take a minute to talk to you all about something very serious. Once every hour, someone is involved in an internet scam. That man is Michael Scott. He's supporting about twenty Nigerian princesses.
Michael: Hey, you know what? Forgive me for caring.
I have got to make sure that YouTube comes down to tape this.
Toby: We should really have the office's air quality tested. We have radon coming from below. We have asbestos in the ceilings. These are silent killers.
Michael: You are the silent killer. Go back to the annex.
Toby: You'll see.
That seems awfully mean. But sometimes the ends justify the mean.
Did you know that in Morocco, it is common to exchange a small gift when meeting somebody for the first time? In Japan, you must always commit suicide to avoid embarrassment. In Italy, you must always wash your hands after going to the bathroom. This is considered to be polite.
Holly thinks that this relationship is over. Well, you know what? I am not going to give up that easy. I am going to make this way harder than it needs to be.
When I discovered YouTube, I didn't work for five days. I did nothing. I watched Cookie Monster sing Chocolate Rain about a thousand times.
Jim: See, you're always saying there's something wrong with society, maybe there's something wrong with you?
Michael: If it's me, then society made me that way.
Now a lot of people say that Kelly is one in a million. And that's true, but it's also not true. Because frankly there are literally billions of people just like Kelly in the world.
There's such a thing as good grief. Just ask Charlie Brown.
Ryan: A few years ago, my family was on a safari in Africa and my cousin, Mufasa, was um, he was trampled to death by a pack of wildebeests and um, we all took it really hard. All of us kind of in the audience, of what happened.
Michael: Do you wanna talk about it anymore?
Ryan: Oh it would probably take an hour and half to tell that whole story.
Jan: How would a movie increase productivity, Michael? How on earth would it do that?
Michael: People work faster after.
Michael: No. They have to, to make up for the time they lost watching the movie.
Business is like a jungle. And I am like a tiger. And Dwight is like a monkey that stabs the tiger in the back with a stick. Does the tiger fire the monkey? Does the tiger transfer the monkey to another branch? Pun. There is no way of knowing what goes on inside the tiger's head. We don't have the technology.
Michael: Sounds like a good dentist. What's his name?
Dwight: ... Crentist.
Michael: Your dentist's name is Crentist?
Michael: Hah, sounds a lot like dentist.
Dwight: Maybe that's why he became a dentist.
Jan: Well, Michael, I guess I underestimated you.
Michael: Well, Jan, maybe next time you should estimate me!
You know what? I am declaring a moment of silence. Right now. Ten minutes of silence honoring Michael Jackson. Just sit there and think about Michael Jackson.
It's not been a blockbuster year for me financially. My Blockbuster stock is down.
Michael: My mind is going a mile an hour.
Pam: That fast?
I'm not a millionaire. I thought I would be by the time I was thirty, but I wasn't even close. Then I thought maybe by forty, but by forty I had less money than I did when I was thirty.
Dwight: Michael, what is the meaning of this email that everyone got?
Michael: You'll have to be more specific, Dwight. I get like eight emails a day.
I saw my entire life flash before my eyes. And guess what? I have four kids. And I have a hover car and a hover house. And my wife is a runner and it shows. And Pam and Jim are my best friends and our kids play together. And... I'm happy and I'm rich and I never die. That doesn't sound like much, but it's enough for me.
Michael: Erin, you're supposed to be the gatekeeper, do you have any idea how valuable my time is.
Erin: In your schedule it just says nine 'till noon is creative space. I thought this could be a part of it.
Michael: Do you know how creative space works? Ok why don't you just cancel my afternoon.
Erin: You don't have anything in the afternoon it just says free plate.
Michael: Push free plate 'till tomorrow morning.
Michael Scott: I will have the spaghetti. With a side salad.
Michael Scott: If the salad is on top, I send it back.
Toby: Hey Michael, I have an extra twin bed if you want.
Michael: You are going to be sleeping by yourself for the rest of your life so you should just get used to it.
Jim is like... Big Bird. He is tall and yellow and very nice. But would I put him in charge? No. I don't think so. Big Bird doesn't make the tough decisions. If I was gonna put someone in charge I would put Bert in charge. Or I would put one of the real grown-ups in charge like Marie or Gordon, maybe.
Dwight: Seasick? Captain Jack says to watch the moon.
Michael: Captain Jack's a fart face.
Michael: Try not to be such an idiot.
Dwight: Is that an insult or is that part of the public speaking advice?
Thank you very much sir! You are a gentleman and a scholar. ...Oh. I'm sorry. Okay. I'm sorry. My mistake. ...That was a woman I was talking to. She has a very low voice. Probably a smoker.
Am I going to tell them? No, I don't see the point of that. As a doctor, you would not tell a patient if they had cancer.
Phyllis: I could cheerlead.
Michael: Eww. That's worse than you playing.
I do read Small Businessman. I also subscribe to USA Today and American Way magazine. That's the in-flight magazine. Some great articles in that. They did this great profile last month of Doris Roberts and where she likes to eat when she's in Phoenix. Illuminating.
Michael: No! Don't throw that away! That's my Drakkar Noir.
Ryan: No, this says 'Rite Aid Nite Swept.'
Michael: It's a perfect smell-alike. I'm not playing for the label.
You hear stories about Dunder Mifflin in the 80s, before everybody knew how bad cocaine was. Gyah... man, did they move paper!
I live by one rule: No office romances, no way. Very messy, inappropriate... no. But, I live by another rule: Just do it... Nike.
Yeah I went hunting once. Shot a deer in the leg. Had to kill it with a shovel. Took about an hour. Why do you ask?
Michael: How long have you known about the pregnancy? A week? A month? A year?
Jim: Michael, we only told our parents last week.
Michael: Did you pee on a stick?
Jim: I did. It was inconclusive.
Michael: You should've told me.
Pam: You're right. We should have realized that you are an equal part in this.
It was a pretty disappointing day. It was kind of a slap in the face, to realize that I wasn't as important as I thought I was to a certain young executive. Who I had cared about. But you know, I'm not going to cry about it. I did that on the way home.
I'm going to cut right to the chase here. Do you like magic? Because I am a genie in a bottle and I am going to grant you three wishes. To move to Scranton, to have a great job, and to be my best friend.
I suppose summer had to end sometime. It's sad though, because I had a great summer. I got West Nile virus, lost a ton of weight. Then I went back to the lake. I stepped on a piece of glass in the parking lot, which hurt. That got infected, even though I peed on it. Saw Inception. Or at least I dreamt I did.
You may look around and see two groups here: white collar and blue collar. But I don't see it that way. You know why not? Because I'm collarblind.
No, no Pam. Let 'em ring. Let the bells of Dunder Mifflin chime out your love. Because this is really good. This is really good. My heart soars, with the eagle's nest.
Michael: Ladies and gentleman, I have some bad news. Meredith was hit by a car.
Michael: It happened this morning in the parking lot. I took her to the hospital. And the doctors tried to save her, life, they did the best they could. And she is going to be OK.
Stanley: What is wrong with you? Why would you have to phrase is like that?
I am a huge Woody Allen fan, although I've only seen Antz. But I'll tell you something. What I respect most about that man is that when was going through that stuff from the press that said Antz was basically a rip-off of Bug's Life, he stood true to his films, or at least the one I saw, which again is Antz. The thing is, I thought Bug's Life was better. Much better than Antz. Point is, don't listen to your critics. Listen to your fans.
Holly and I are like Romeo and Juliet, and the office is like the dragon that kept them apart.
If you break that girl's heart, I will kill you. It's just a figure of speech. But seriously, if you break that girl's heart, I will literally kill you and your entire family.
Having Luke here is a pretty big deal for me, because his mother - who also happens to be my half-sister - kind of cut me off from that side of the family 15 years ago...14. The last time I saw Luke was the opening day of "Ace Ventura II" and that was '95, so yes, 15 years on the dot. Anyway, I lost him in a forest.
You know what, I resent the implication that I would keep that secret. Everyone here knows that I can't and won't keep a secret.
Sometimes I'll start a sentence and I don't even know where it's going. I just hope I find it along the way. Like an improv conversation. An improversation.
As it turns out, you can't just check someone into rehab against their will. They have to do it voluntarily. They have to hit rock bottom. So I think I know what I need to do at this point. I need to find ways to push Meredith to the bottom. Um. I think I can do it. I did it with Jan.
I tried to talk to Toby and be his friend, but that is like trying to be friends with an evil snail.
I don't want somebody sucking up to me because they think I am going to help their career. I want them sucking up to me because they genuinely love me.
Michael: Jan? You complete me.
Jan: Oh, God.
Michael: This is Creed, and he is in charge of... something... right?
Creed: That is correct.
Last week I would've given a kidney to anyone in this office. I would've reached right into my stomach and pulled it out for them, but now, no. I don't have the relationship with these people that I thought I did. I hope they ask so they can hear me say, "Uhh... no, I only give my organs to my real friends. Go get yourself a monkey kidney."
I enjoy having breakfast in bed. I like waking up to the smell of bacon- sue me- and since I don't have a butler, I have to do it myself. So most nights before I go to bed I will lay six strips of bacon out on my George Foreman Grill. Then I go to sleep. When I wake up, I plug in the grill. I go back to sleep again. Then I wake up to the smell of crackling bacon. It is delicious. It's good for me. It's the perfect way to start the day. Today I got up, I stepped onto the grill and it clamped down on my foot. That's it. I don't see what's so hard to believe about that.
[on the phone] I don't understand... you want to see other people? ...Only other people?
I did not go to business school. You know who else didn't go to business school? LeBron James, Tracy McGrady, Kobe Bryant. They went right from high school to the NBA, so…so it's not the same thing. At all.
Yes, I was the first one out. And yes, I’ve heard "women and children first". But, we do not employ children. We are not a sweatshop, thankfully. And women are equal in the workplace by law. So if I let them out first, I have a lawsuit on my hands.
I just, I fell in love with these kids. And I didn't want to see them fall victim to the system. So I made 'em a promise: I told them if they graduated from high school, I would pay for their college education. I have made some empty promises in my life, but hands down that was the most generous.
Michael: Why don't you explain this to me like I'm five.
Oscar: Your mommy and daddy give you ten dollars to open up a lemonade stand. So you go out and you buy cups and you buy lemons and you buy sugar. And now you find out that it only costs you nine dollars.
Oscar: So you have an extra dollar.
Oscar: So you can give that dollar back to mommy and daddy, but guess what? Next summer...
Michael: I'll be six.
Friends joke with one another. Hey you're poor. Hey, your mama's dead. That's what friends do.
What part of "shorn't" don't you understand?
Michael: We'll ask PowerPoint.
Oscar: Michael, this is a presentation tool.
Michael: You're a presentation tool!
I saved a life: my own. Am I a hero? I really can’t say... but, yes.
Dwight, you ignorant slut!
It was a weird day. I accidentally cross-dressed.
Michael: No need for consternation. Everything is under control.
Jan: Michael, last Friday one of your employees attacked another employee in your office!
Michael: It was a crime of passion, Jan. Not a disgruntled employee. Everyone here is extremely gruntled.
I don't want somebody sucking up to me because they think I am going to help their career. I want them sucking up to me because they genuinely love me.
Fool me once, strike one. Fool me twice... strike three.
It is an outrage, that's all. They're making a huge, huge mistake. Let's see Josh replace these people. Let's see Josh find another Stanley. You think Stanleys grow on trees? Well, they don't. There is no Stanley tree. Do you think the world is crawling with Phyllises? Show me that farm. With Phyllises and Kevins sprouting up all over the place, ripe for the plucking. Show me that farm.
I lost Ed Truck... and it feels like somebody took my heart and dropped it into a bucket of boiling tears... and at the same time, somebody else is hitting my soul in the crotch with a frozen sledgehammer... and then a third guy walks in and starts punching me in the grief bone... and I'm crying, and nobody can hear me, because I'm terribly, terribly... terribly alone.
I love inside jokes. I'd love to be a part of one someday.
Toby: Didn't you lose a lot of money on that other investment, the one from that e-mail?
Michael: You know what, Toby? When the son of the deposed King of Nigeria e-mails you directly asking for help, you help. His father ran the freaking country, okay?
I swore to myself that if I ever got to walk around the room as manager, people would laugh when they saw me coming and would applaud as I walked away.
Stupid corporate wet blankets. Like booze ever killed anyone.
Toby is in HR, which technically means he works for corporate, so he's not really a part of our family. Also, he's divorced, so he's really not a part of his family.
Oscar: I can play basketball if you need any help.
Michael: I will use your talents come baseball season, my friend. Or if we ever decide to box.
Stanley: It's collard greens.
Stanley: It's collard greens.
Michael: That doesn't really make any sense. 'Cause you don't call them collard people. That's offensive.
I am Michael, and I am part English, Irish, German, and Scottish. Sort of a virtual United Nations.
I guess the atmosphere that I've tried to create here is that I'm a friend first and a boss second, and probably an entertainer third.
Michael: Snack time! It’s the witching hour. It is the sandwiching hour.
Phyllis: What kind of sandwiches?
Michael: PB&J. My mom's recipe.
Guess what? I have flaws. What are they? Oh I dunno, I sing in the shower? Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I'll hit somebody with my car. So sue me-- no, don't sue me. That is opposite the point I'm trying to make.
I DECLARE BANKRUPTCY!
I'm not superstitious, but I'm a little stitious.
Do I need to be liked? Absolutely not. I like to be liked. I enjoy being liked. I have to be liked. But it's not like this compulsive need to be liked, like my need to be praised.
I love my employees, even though I hit one of you with my car.
So Ryan got promoted to corporate, where he is a little fish in a big pond, whereas back here at Scranton, I am still top dog in a fairly large pond. So who is the real boss? The dog... or a fish?
It was never my intention to ruin a life. But you know what? Sometimes, you just gots to get your freak on.
Andy Bernard. Pros: he's classy. He gets me. He went to Cornell. I trust him. Cons: I don't really trust him.
What happens to a company if somebody takes a boss away? I will answer your question with a question. It's like, what happens to a chicken when you take its head away? It dies. Unless you find a new head. I need to see which one of these people have the skills to be a chicken head.
There's a wishing fountain at the mall. And I threw a coin in for every woman in the world and made a wish. I wished for Jan to get over me, I wished for Phyllis a plasma TV, I wished for Pam to gain courage, I wished for Angela a heart, and for Kelly a brain...
Michael: Here's the thing. Chili's is the new golf course. It's where business happens. Small Business Man Magazine.
Jan: It said that?
Michael: It will. I sent it in. Letter to the editor.
Would I rather be feared or loved? Umm... easy, both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.
When I was Ryan's age, I worked in a fast food restaurant to save up money for school. And then I lost it in a pyramid scheme, but I learned more about business right then and there than business school would ever teach me - or Ryan would ever teach me.
Toby: Actually, I didn't think it was appropriate to invite children, since it's uh, you know, there's gambling and alcohol, it's in our dangerous warehouse, it's a school night, and you know, Hooter's is catering, and is that- is that enough? Should I keep going?
Michael: Why are you the way that you are? Honestly, every time I try to do something fun, or exciting, you make it... not that way. I hate... so much about the things that you choose to be.
Hey, no...no. AIDS is not funny. Believe me, I've tried. There are certain topics that are off-limits to comedians. The Holocaust. JFK. The Lincoln assassination just recently became funny. "I need to see this play like I need a hole in the head." And I hope to one day live in a world where someone can tell a hilarious AIDS joke. It's one of my dreams.
Abraham Lincoln once said that "If you are a racist, I will attack you with the North," and those are the principles I carry with me in the workplace.
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