Quotes by Michael: The Good Place
Where's the H? This keyboard doesn't have an H.
Michael: Okay, um, how do I explain this concisely? This is Tuesdays... and also July.
Janet: And sometimes it's never.
While time on Earth moves in a straight line-- one thing happens, then the next, then the next, time in the afterlife moves in a "Jeremy Bearimy."
Dick Tracy called back on his watch phone and said you better "watch" out!
Jason: My life is just kinda messed up right now. I had a really tough year.
Michael: I'm sorry. Want to talk about it? I'm a pretty good listener.
Jason: Well, my year started about a year ago...
Michael: I got to ride a bike. I put a coin in a thing and got a gumball. And then someone came up to me and said, "hot enough for ya?", and you know what I said? I said, "tell me about it!"
Janet: Well I am glad that you got to chew a gumball.
Michael: Oh, damn. I didn't even think to chew it. Missed opportunity, shoot.
I saw this place that was at once a Pizza Hut and a Taco Bell! I mean, oh! The mind reels! A Pizza Hut and a Taco Bell!
Michael: And what's the significance of the keychain?
The Doorman: Nothing, I just like frogs. I'm a frog guy.
Michael: So, how long's this trip take? I hope I don't get a middle seat.
The Doorman: Wow. I haven't heard a joke in 8,000 years. And I still haven't.
Michael: I won't let you down.
Shawn: I think you will. I think this entire project of yours is stupid and doomed to fail.
You know the way you feel when you see a chimpanzee and a baby tiger who have become friends? That's how you're going to feel every day.
I don't need the Chidi who once had a panic attack during rock, paper, scissors because there were, and I quote, "just too many variables."
Tahani: What is this place?
Michael: It's just a place. You know, an area or location. It's pretty straightforward.
Michael: She was feeling a little lost so I gave her a self-help book to restore her confidence.
Janet: Now I'm living my truth and creating my bliss.
Chidi: Aren't there some parts worth salvaging?
Michael: Honestly, man, I don't even know. I mean that thing is unreadable. I literally learned what headaches were because that thing gave me a headache.
Chidi: This equipment is very scary!
Janet: Don't be a baby. It can't hurt you. Watch, I'll blowtorch your face off.
Janet: Whatever. This whole thing is stupid.
Michael: Sorry about this. I steered her away from colloquialisms and into "fun facts" and "trivia tidbits." I thought it'd be more in her wheelhouse.
Janet: Fun fact, a "wheelhouse" is a part of a boat.
Michael: You know, get out of your comfort zone. Become a trail blazer.
Janet: Fun fact, all deceased members of the Portland Trail Blazers basketball team are also in The Bad Place.
Michael: There's also an IHOP.
Jason: Oh! I'm gonna order the Rooty Tooty Fresh 'N Fruity!
Michael: No, sorry. In this realm, IHOP stands for "Interdimensional Hole of Pancakes". You don't really eat these pancakes. It's more like they eat you.
Jason: Okay. I'll get eggs, then.
Shawn: So, I'm just gonna throw you in this unmarked room - for the rest of eternity. And since it seems you love humans so much, I'll torture you like one. All you'll have for entertainment is that giant stack of "New Yorker" magazines.
Michael: Oh, come on. You and I both know I'll never read those.
Shawn: Of course you won't. But they'll just keep coming.
Michael: Shawn, this is not fair.
Shawn: Fair is the stupidest word humans ever invented, except for staycation.
Shawn: So, just to be clear, you actually rebooted them over 800 times, and all of these reports of their torture are completely fake?
Michael: Yes, but frankly, this is on you. A lot of those details I just took directly from Stephen King novels and episodes of "Pretty Little Liars".
In the words of one of my actual friends, "Ya basic". It's a human insult. It's devastating. You're devastated right now.
Chidi: I prefer to take my time with things.
Michael: Yes, I know. You never even named your dog, did you? When it ran away, you posted signs saying "responds to long pauses".
Michael: Did you ever take off your shoes and socks on a commercial airline?
Eleanor: And socks? Ew, who would do that?
Michael: People who go to the Bad Place, Eleanor, that's the point. And unless I can figure out a compelling reason to keep you here, you will spend eternity with murderers, and arsonists, and people who take off their shoes and socks on commercial airlines.
All I've really ever wanted was to know what it feels like to be human. And now we're going to do the must human thing of all: attempt something futile with a ton of unearned confidence and fail spectacularly!
Eleanor: I'm not mad, I'm just disappointed.
Michael: Oh, come on. Everyone knows that's worse.
You humans have so many emotions. You only need two: anger and confusion!
Kissing is gross. You just mash your food holes together. It's not for that.
Michael: Now, getting to the Good Place is pretty tricky. There's no train to catch. I have to design a complicated, unique transportation vehicle.
Jason: Is it Optimus Prime?
Jason: I can't believe we get to ride a real-life Optimus Prime. I call right nipple. That's shotgun on Optimus Prime.
How did they get Janet's bracelets off? It's literally impossible for a human to do. It's like breathing underwater or driving without texting.
Michael: Oh, Chidi, Sorry, I got a joke for you, bud. Uh, knock, knock.
Chidi: Who's there?
Michael: You died alone because you couldn't commit to anyone.
Jason: You died alone because you couldn't commit to anyone who?
Eleanor and I have a lot in common. Now here's how you can tell us apart: one of us is a manipulative demon who's an expert at making other people miserable, and then the other one is me!
Michael: Jason, buddy. All you had to do was to keep quiet, but you couldn't stop talking about Kendall Jenner or that dumb quarterback, what was his name, Derek Bortles? Always ranting about Derek Bortles. Lucky for you my friend, Jaguars games are the only ones televised in the Bad Place because they suuuck!
Jason: No they don't! All we need is a defense and an offense and some rule changes.
You're a giant chunk of spinach in the teeth of the universe.
Janet: Michael, good news. I was able to obtain Eleanor Shellstrop's file.
Michael: Is it actually a cactus?
Janet: I don't understand.
Michael: I want to see the file for Eleanor Shellstrop. Is that what you have, or do you have a cactus?
Janet: I have the file.
Michael: You're sure? You have the file and not a cactus?
Janet: That is correct. I have Eleanor Shellstrop's file. I do not have a cactus.
Michael: Excellent. Please, give me the file.
Janet: Here you go. [Hands Michael a cactus]
Tahani: Michael, you mustn't blame yourself.
Michael: I'm not. I blame you.
Tahani: By the way, uh, what's your favorite color for the tablecloths?
Michael: Well, it's not perceptible by human eyes. It's called pleurigloss.
Tahani: Could you describe it?
Michael: It's the color of... when a soldier comes home from war and sees his dog for the first time.
Tahani: How about blue?
Michael: Janet, what's a food that people think they enjoy but that's also kind of a bummer?
Janet: Frozen yogurt.
It makes sense, right? They're good so they're stupid and trusting.
Jason: Yo, yo! Homies, check it! There's something messed up with this place. We keep fighting with each other, none of the TVs get the NFL RedZone channel, my soulmate doesn't even know who Blake Bortles is. I know this sounds crazy, but I think we're in the bad place.
Michael: Jason figured it out? Jason? This is a real low point. Yeah, this one hurts.
Michael: I'm an immortal being with abilities you can only dream of.
Eleanor: Yeah, and we're an Arizona dirt bag, a human turtleneck, a narcissistic monster, and literally the dumbest person I've ever met.
Jason: And who am I? Describe me now!
Okay, so that was trolley problem version number seven. Chidi opted to run over five William Shakespeares instead of one Santa Claus.
Tahani: I belong in The Good Place. The real one with the good people. Who do I speak to about correcting this?
Michael: Me. And you’re wrong.
Tahani: I would like to speak to your manager.
Michael: Yes, there is a potential method of transportation.
Tahani: Is it nice? Is there business class? Can I preboard?
Jason: I’ll tell you what I want to know right now before we go any further. Did the Jacksonville Jaguars win the Super Bowl last year?
Michael: Oh, you’re serious. No.
Jason: Will they every win the Super Bowl?
Michael: Jason, I can’t predict the future. But no, they won’t.
Parties are mere distractions from the relentlessness of entropy. We're all just corpses who haven't yet begun to decay.
Searching for meaning is philosophical suicide. How does anyone do anything when you understand the fleeting nature of existence?
Well, I've read everything on your syllabus and, how do I put this delicately, it's all stupid garbage.
Chidi: Why even tell us about any real thing? Why not just lie about all of it?
Michael: Lies are always more convincing when they're closer to the truth.
I feel like Friends in Season 8. Out of ideas and forcing Joey and Rachel together, even though it made no sense.
Eleanor: What is it with you and frozen yogurt? Have you not heard of ice cream?
Michael: Oh, sure, but I've come to really like frozen yogurt. There's something so human about taking something great and ruining it a little so you can have more of it.
I've been working on my Western Hemisphere brunch banter. Tell me what you think. "That New Yorker article was interesting." "You haven't seen Hamilton?" "Hey, did you hear about Stephanie?"
Tahani, great party. Check it out. Suspenders! So dumb. So much dumber than belts.
People love frozen yogurt. I don't know what to tell you.
Chidi: So, making decisions isn't exactly my strong suit.
Michael: I know that, buddy. You once had a panic attack at a make-your-own sundae bar.
Chidi: There were too many toppings. And very early in the process you had to commit to a chocolate palate or a fruit palate and if you couldn't decide you wound up with kiwi, junior mint, raisin, and it just ruins everybody's night.
It's a rare occurrence, like a double rainbow. Or like someone on the Internet saying, "You know what? You've convinced me I was wrong."
Chidi: No way! Soul mates are real?
Michael: They sure are. Although your soul mate situation is a little unusual.
Chidi: Oh, no! I don't have one, do I? That's fine, I mean, who needs a soul mate, anyway? My soul mate will be ... books!
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