Quotes by Philip J. Fry: Futurama
What's so far-fetched about mermaids? There's all kinds of weird sea creatures here in the future, like Dr. Zoidberg!
[Fry is presented with a large pill he is asked to swallow]
Fry: I can't swallow that.
Professor Farnsworth: Well, then good news! It's a suppository.
Fry: Bender, this has nothing to do with you.
Bender: That's impossible!
You call that a wound? That's a boo-boo, tops.
Professor Farnsworth: These bees are larger than most Buicks, and twice as ugly.
Fry: Larger than an American sedan? How big is the honeycomb?
Hermes: Honeycomb's big, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Bender: It's not small?
Hermes: No, no, no.
There are guys in the background of Mary Worth comics who are more important than me.
Wow! A superpowers drug you can rub on your skin? You think it would be something you'd have to freebase.
Fry: They sure hate Zoidberg.
Bender: Posers! I was hating Zoidberg before it was cool.
Dwight: I heard alcohol makes you stupid.
Fry: No I'm... doesn't!
Leela: Fry, acting like a moron won't solve anything.
Fry: Then all hope is lost.
I am literally angry with rage!
Leela: You can't go to Omega 3. It's forbidden. I forbid you.
Fry: But we have to. The world needs Star Trek to give people hope for the future.
Leela: But it's set 800 years in the past.
Bender: Yeah, why is it so important you?
Fry: Because it... it taught me so much. Like, how you should accept people, whether they be black, white, Klingon or even female... But most importantly, when I had no friends, it made me feel like maybe I did.
Leela: Well, that is touchingly pathetic. I guess I can't let you go alone.
Leela: For 25 Quatloos, which villain did Kirk strand on Ceti Alpha V?
William Shatner: KHAAAAAN!
Fry: Uh... Khan?
Leonard Nimoy: Nichelle, George, Walter, DeForest, Welshie...
Nichelle Nichols: We did some musical reunion specials in the 22-hundreds, but the guy who played Scotty had trouble yodeling.
Fry: Usually on the show, they came up with a complicated plan, then explained it with a simple analogy.
Leela: Hmmm... If we can re-route engine power through the primary weapons and configure them to Melllvar's frequency, that should overload his electro-quantum structure.
Bender: Like putting too much air in a balloon!
Fry: Of course! It's all so simple!
Walter Koenig: When we woke up, we had these bodies.
Fry: Say it in Russian.
Walter Koenig: Ven ve voke up, ve had these wodies.
Fry: Eeeee! Now say "nuclear wessels".
Walter Koenig: NO!
Bender: Fleeing somewhere?
Fry: With you blocking the only escape route? Don't be silly.
Fry: Boneitis? That's a funny name for a horrible disease.
That Guy: There was no cure at the time. A drug company came close, but I arranged a hostile takeover and sold off all the assets. Made a cool hundred mil.
That Guy: [Starts contorting violently] My bones!
Fry: Oh, my God! His boneitis!
That Guy: I was so busy being an '80s guy, I forgot to cure it! My one regret is... that I have... boneitis.
You can't lose hope when it's hopeless. You gotta hope more, then put your fingers in your ears and go, "blah, blah, blah, blah! ..."
Fry: You know what the worst thing about being a slave is? They make you work hard without paying you or letting you go.
Leela: Fry, that's the only thing about being a slave.
Wow! Letters like 'U' and 'R' can stand for words, like 'you' and 'are.'
Man, I thought Ultimate Robot Fighting was real, like pro-wrestling, but it turns out it's fixed, like boxing.
Fry: My girlfriend had one of those. Actually it wasn't hers, it was her dad's. And she wasn't my girlfriend, she just lived next door and never closed her curtains.
Leela: Fry, remember what we said about ending your stories a sentence earlier?
Fry: Tell her she looks thin.
Zoidberg: You seem malnourished. Are you suffering from intestinal parasites?
Edna: Why yes! Thanks for noticing.
Zoidberg: [to Fry] Now what?
Fry: Ask her how her day was.
Zoidberg: Why would I want to know that?
Fry: You wouldn't. Ask anyway!
Fry: Tell her you just want to talk. It has nothing to do with mating.
Zoidberg: [to Edna] I just want to talk. It has nothing to do with mating. [to Fry] Fry, that doesn't make sense.
Edna: Dr. Zoidberg, that doesn't make sense. But okay.
Leela: Why is Zoidberg the only one still alone?
Bender: Because he's a loser, that's why. He's the lobster equivalent of Fry.
Fry: Hey, I can get any girl I want anytime I want! I'm just too busy.
Zoidberg: Now Fry, it's been a few years since medical school, so remind me. Disemboweling in your species: fatal or non-fatal?
Zoidberg: [To Bender] Large bet on myself in round one.
Fry: It really puts you in the Christmas mood.
Fry: Christmas! You know, X-M-A-S.
Leela: Oh, you mean "Xmas"! You must be using an archaic pronunciation, like when you say "ask" instead of "axe".
Fry: Please let us live! We'll put out milk and cookies for you!
Robot Santa: You dare bribe Santa!? I'm going to shove coal so far up your stocking you'll be coughing up diamonds!
I feel like a rat. Here I am whining like a pig while all along Leela is as lonely as a frog.
Fry: This snow is beautiful. I'm glad global warming never happened.
Leela: Actually, it did. But thank God nuclear winter canceled it out.
Every Christmas my Mom would get a fresh goose, for gooseburgers, and my Dad would whip up his special eggnog out of bourbon and ice cubes.
Zoidberg: You, a bobsledder? That I'd like to see!
Hermes: Listen, you filthy crab! 1,000 years ago, there was a legendary team of Jamaican bobsleders.
Fry: Yep, I remember. They came in last at the Olympics, then retired to promote alcoholic beverages.
Hermes: A true inspiration for the children.
Fry: Leela, I got a plan.
Leela: I got a better plan.
Fry: You look different. Did you get a haircut?
Bender: No! I sold my body.
Farnsworth: Sold your body? Oh, Bender, I've been down that road. I know it's glamorous and the parties are great, but you'll end up spending every dollar you make on jewelry and skintight pants.
Glurmo: You'll have all the Slurm you can drink when you're partying with Slurms McKenzie!
Fry: When will that be?
Glurmo: Soon enough.
Fry: That's not soon enough!
All this prolonged exposure to radiation is making me thirsty.
Lrrr: Attention McNeil. We are reasonably satisfied with the events we have seen. Overall I would rate it a C+. Okay, not great. As a result we will not destroy your planet. But neither will we provide you with our recipe for immortality!
Fry: Way to overact, Zoidberg!
Leela: That was the worst delivery ever.
Fry: Yeah, I'm never going to another planet called Cannibalon.
Bender: Me neither! Food was good, though.
Fry: [Testing Professor Farnsworth's Smell-o-Scope] Just don't make me smell Uranus!
Leela: I don't get it.
Farnsworth: I'm sorry, Fry, but astronomers renamed Uranus in 2620 to end that stupid joke once and for all.
Fry: So what's it called now?
Farnsworth: Urrectum. Here, let me locate it for you.
Murg: This is Your Majesty's harem. You may choose any of these maidens to be your royal consort.
Fry: Puh, puh, puh... How about that one?
Murg: Oh, I didn't realize Your Majesty was into that sort of thing.
Fry: On second thought, I'll take that one.
Murg: Hey, whatever you say. I'm not here to pass judgement.
That was the saltiest thing I ever tasted! And I once ate a big heaping bowl of salt!
Fry: Okay, my friends, get ready for the most delicious extinct animal you've ever tasted.
Amy: I don't know, I've had cow.
Farnsworth: I'm sorry, Fry, but anchovies went extinct in the 2200s.
Farnsworth: Oh, my, yes. Fished out of existence... just about the time your people arrived on Earth, Dr. Zoidberg.
Zoidberg: I'm not on trial here.
Fry: So, none of you have ever had anchovies? Oh, man! You don't know what you're missing. They were salty and oily and melted in your mouth...
Zoidberg: Okay, okay! I admit it! My people ate them all! We kept saying one more couldn't hurt, and then they were gone! We're sorry!
Fry: I don't get this. Is Blernsball exactly the same as baseball?
Farnsworth: Baseball? God forbid.
Leela: Face it, Fry, baseball was as boring as mom and apple pie.
Fry: It wasn't bori... So, they finally jazzed it up.
Fry: Hey, you have no right to criticize the 20th century. We gave the world the light bulb, the steam boat and the cotton gin.
Leela: Those things are all from the 19th century.
Fry: Yeah, well, they probably just copied us.
[Fry is listening to Sir Mix-a-Lot's "Baby Got Back" until Leela turns it off.]
Leela: Fry, you can't just sit here in the dark listening to classical music.
Fry: I could if you hadn't turned on the light and shut off my stereo.
Leela: I don't get it, Fry. Who was Ted Danson, and why did you bid $10,000 for his skeleton?
Fry: I have an idea for a sitcom.
Fry: Where's the bathroom?
Bender: The bath what?
Bender: The what room?
Bender: The what what?
Bender: [in his sleep] Kill all humans, kill all humans, must kill all humans...
Fry: Bender, wake up!
Bender: Wh-uh? I was having the most wonderful dream. I think you were in it.
It's up to you to make your own decisions in life. That's what separates people and robots from animals... and animal robots.
Space. It seems to go on forever. But then you get to the end and the gorilla starts throwin' barrels at you.
Hello? Pizza delivery for uh... I.C. Wiener? Aww, crud. I always thought by this point in my life I'd be the one making the prank calls.
Soldier: This is the worst part. The calm before the battle.
Fry: And then the battle's not so bad?
Soldier: Oh right. I forgot about the battle.
Fry: Fetal stem cells? Aren't those controversial?
Professor: In your time, yes, but nowadays—shut up! Besides, these are adult stem cells, harvested from perfectly healthy adults whom I killed for their stem cells.
I finally found what I need to be happy and it's not friends, it's things.
Fry: Wow, so this is a real TV station, huh.
TV Worker: Well, it's a Fox affiliate.
Fry: What are you showing right now?
TV Worker: 'Single Female Lawyer.' It's the season finale. Wanna watch?
Fry: I dunno. That's a chick show. I prefer programs of the genre 'World's Blankiest Blank'.
TV Worker: She is wearing the world's shortiest skirt.
Fry: I'm in.
Professor Farnsworth: For example, if you killed your grandfather, you'd cease to exist!
Fry: But existing is basically all I do!
We're in the middle of nowhere, which is the safest part of nowhere.
Leela: Kids don't turn rotten just from watching TV.
Fry: Yeah. Give a little credit to our public schools.
Zapp Brannigan: The key to victory is discipline, and that means a well made bed. You will practice until you can make your bed in your sleep.
Fry: You mean while I'm sleeping in it?
Zapp Brannigan: You won't have time for sleeping, soldier, not with all the bed making you'll be doing.
[after being attacked by the video game character Donkey Kong]
Fry: Wait a second. I know that monkey! His name is Donkey.
Professor Farnsworth: Monkeys aren't donkeys. Quit messing with my head!
All right, it's Saturday night. I have no date, a two liter bottle of Shasta, and my all-Rush mix tape. Let's rock!
Fry: My only other dreams are to be invisible in a chocolate factory and to date a celebrity.
Bender: I can hit you over the head until you think that's what happened.
Leela: I usually try to keep my sadness pent up inside where it can fester quietly as a mental illness.
Fry: Yeah, I do that with my stupidness.
I didn't ask for a completely reasonable excuse! I asked you to get busy!
That Guy: What would you say if I said, "I'm worried about blank"?
Fry: Don't you worry about blank, let me worry about blank.
That Guy: Good. I would have also accepted "Blank? Blank?! You're not looking at the big picture!"
It's like a party in my mouth and everyone's throwing up.
Michelle, I don't regret this, but I both rue and lament it.
Things are different this time. Before she was demanding and possessive, but now she wants me to do stuff and stay with her all the time.
Fry: Hey, tell me something. You've got all this money. How come you always dress like you're doing your laundry?
Amy: I guess because my parents keep telling me to be more ladylike. As though.
Fry: I've been there. My folks were always on me to groom myself and wear underpants. What am I, the pope?
Amy: Yeah, and if you were the pope they'd be all, "Straighten your pope hat." And "Put on your good vestments."
Make up some feelings and tell her you have them.
Fry: My God! What if the secret ingredient is people!?
Leela: No, there's already a soda like that. Soylent Cola.
Fry: Oh. How is it?
Leela: It varies from person to person.
Leela: I have never seen anyone so addicted to Slurm.
Fry: This is nothing. Back in high school I used to drink a hundred cans of cola a week. Yep, right up until my third heart attack.
Fry: I'm impressed. In my time we had no idea Mars had a university.
Professor Farnsworth: That's because then Mars was a uninhabitable wasteland, much like Utah. But unlike Utah, Mars was eventually made livable when the university was founded in 2636.
It's just like the story of the grasshopper and the octopus. All year long, the grasshopper kept burying acorns for winter, while the octopus mooched off his girlfriend and watched TV. But then the winter came, and the grasshopper died, and the octopus ate all his acorns and also he got a racecar. Is any of this getting through to you?
Fry: I'm never gonna get used to the 31st century. Caffeinated bacon? Baconated grapefruit? Admiral Crunch?
Leela: Well, if you don't like that, try some Archduke Chocula.
Showing 78 quotes.