Quotes by Principal Skinner: The Simpsons
These campaign buttons are all partisan. Don't you have any neutral ones? "May the better man win", "Let's have a good, clean election", that sort of thing?
Principal Skinner: Bart, if there’s one thing I’m good at, it’s pretending things didn’t happened. And I think this is one of those.
Bart: One of which?
Principal Skinner: Exactly.
Bart: No, seriously. I wasn’t listening.
Bart: Go To Work With Your Parents Day?
Principal Skinner: Yes, Go To Work With Your Parents Day. Tomorrow you will learn by doing and apply your knowledge of fractions and gym to real-world situations.
Skinner: Well, Superintendent, I hope you're ready for mouthwatering hamburgers!
Chalmers: I thought you said we were having steamed clams.
Skinner: Oh no, I said steamed hams. That's what I call hamburgers.
Skinner: Well, that was wonderful. A good time was had by all. I'm pooped.
Chalmers: Yes, I should be--good lord, what is happening in there?!
Skinner: Aurora Borealis?
Chalmers: Aurora Borealis?! At this time of year, at this time of day, in this part of the country, localized entirely within your kitchen!?!
Chalmers: May I see it?
Skinner: Er, no.
Agnes: Seymour, the house is on fire!
Skinner: No, Mother, it's just the Northern Lights.
Principal Skinner: Now I'd like to introduce you to Lunchlady Doris, who'll serve you healthy, nutritious meals.
Lunchlady Doris: Yeah, right.
Principal Skinner: Ms. Phipps, the school nurse, who will provide ointments and unguents, and Jimbo, the school bully, who will administer noogies and nipple twisters.
Jimbo: I look forward to wailing on all of you.
Welcome kindergarteners, I'm Principal Sinner...Skinner! [The kids laugh.] Well, that's it. I've lost them forever.
Skinner: And, for the first time ever, our computer lab actually has a computer in it.
Ralph: Hi, Lisa! Hi, Super Nintendo Chalmers!
Well, Edna, for a school with no Asian kids, I think we put on a pretty darn good science fair.
Thanks for coming, and don't forget to purchase some orange drink for the long ride home.
Good evening, everyone, and welcome to a wonderful evening of theater and picking up after yourselves.
Skinner: Mm. So Mother was right. It was my fault. Go ahead. Water it down some more.
Willie: My God, man. I've watered her down as far as she'll go. I cannot water no more.
Attention everyone, this is Principal Skinner. Some student, possibly Bart Simpson, has been circulating candy hearts with crude off-color sentiments.
Order! Do you kids want to be like the real UN? Or do you just want to squabble and waste time?
Simpson? I'm giving you 'til the count of three to come out. One, two, three. [Pauses] I've done all I can do.
We're not going anywhere. I'm going to do what Bart should have told me to do a long time ago.
Skinner: You're stealing a table?
Homer: I'm not stealin' it. Hotels expect you to take a few things. It's a souvenir.
Skinner: Ah. Is that my necktie you're wearing?
Homer: What does "sequestered" mean?
Skinner: If the jury is deadlocked, they are put in a hotel together so they can't communicate with the outside world.
Homer: What does "deadlocked" mean?
Skinner: It's when the jury can't agree on a verdict.
Homer: Uh-huh. And "if"?
Skinner: A conjunction meaning, "in the event that", or, "on condition that."
Homer: So "if" we don't all vote the same way we'll be "deadlocked" and have to be "sequestered" in the Springfield Palace Hotel.
A spoor! Hmm-- His brand of gum, Doublemint. Trying to double your fun, eh, Bart? Well, I'll double your detention. [Chuckles] I wish someone was around to hear that.
Why, there are no children here at the 4-H club, either. Am I so out of touch? No, it's the children who are wrong.
[Reading Bart's excuse note]
"Please excuse my handwriting, I've busted whichever hand it is I write with, signed 'Mrs. Simpson'." You were right to be suspicious, Edna.
Lisa: It's not my nature to complain, but so far today we've had three movies, two filmstrips, and an hour and a half of magazine time. I just don't feel challenged.
Principal Skinner: Of course we could make things more challenging, Lisa, but then the stupider students would be in here complaining, furrowing their brows in a vain attempt to understand the situation.
Principal Skinner: Uh oh. Two independent thought alarms in one day. The students are overstimulated. Willie! Remove all the colored chalk from the classrooms.
Groundskeeper Willie: I warned ya! Didn't I warn ya? That colored chalk was forged by Lucifer himself.
Ah, there's nothing more exciting than science. You get all the fun of sitting still, being quiet, writing down numbers, paying attention... Science has it all.
I'm going to enjoy devouring you, Bart Simpson. Yes... I believe I'll start, as you've so often suggested, by... eating your shorts.
Skinner: Well...maybe it was for the best. Now I... I finally have time to do what I've always wanted: write the great American novel. Mine is about a futuristic amusement park where dinosaurs are brought to life through advanced cloning techniques. I call it "Billy and the Clonasaurus."
Apu: Oh, you have got to be kidding, sir. First you think of an idea that has already been done, then you give it a title that nobody could possibly like. Didn't you think this through...
...was on the bestseller list for eighteen months! Every magazine cover had...
...most popular movies of all time, sir! What were you thinking?! I mean, thank you, come again.
Well, Edna, for a school with no Asian kids, I think we've put on a darn good science fair.
Attention! This is Principal Skinner, your principal, with a message from the Principal's Office. All students please proceed immediately to an assembly in the Butthead Memorial Auditorium.
Showing 28 quotes.