Recently Added Quotes

I love getting my name on stuff. In Jacksonville, I got a flu virus named after me 'cause I kissed a bat on a dare.

My cousin once hired me to do crowd control for his off-brand SeaWorld. Well, technically, it was just a bunch of kiddie pools full of jellyfish, and instead of a killer whale, they killed a whale.

I have an idea, but it's a little risky. I need you to act as my bodyguard. Like my friend, Kevin Costner, in that movie where he was a bodyguard, "The Bodyguard."

Michael: Okay, um, how do I explain this concisely? This is Tuesdays... and also July.
Janet: And sometimes it's never.

While time on Earth moves in a straight line-- one thing happens, then the next, then the next, time in the afterlife moves in a "Jeremy Bearimy."

I still can't believe she wants to marry me. A dumb old pediatric surgeon who barely has an 8-pack.

Well, I'm sure you're busy, you probably wouldn't want to talk to me. I get it, I wouldn't either. I'm as dull as a rock. Ugh, even that analogy was boring. I'm sorry, I'm so dull, and I'm ugly. I'm like a rock. Ugh, stupid Larry! Stop talking about rocks!

I enjoy American football. I actually dated a player once. But he wasn't my type so I set him up with my friend Gisele... Bundchen.

I have to watch the Jaguars games at home on my computer at like, 3:00 in the morning on Mondays. It's so annoying. Everything here is in a... I don't know how to describe it. Like, a different zone of time. No, that sounds stupid. A different clock land.

To me, the single most awful sound in the universe is that mangled opening note of your co-worker singing "Happy Birthday."

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