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If you get lost remember, you can always find east by staring directly at the sun.


Shelbyville Kid: Wait a minute, if you're from Shelbyville, how come we've never seen you in school?
Bart: I don't go to school.
Shelbyville Kid: Okay, what's two plus two?
Bart: Five.
Shelbyville Kid: Ah, story checks out.


This is the darkest day in the history of Springfield. If anyone wants me, I'll be in the shower.


Attention! This is Principal Skinner, your principal, with a message from the Principal's Office. All students please proceed immediately to an assembly in the Butthead Memorial Auditorium.


Hey! Apu just called. This Friday, Lisa's team is playing Bart's team. You'll be in direct competition! And I don't want you to go easy on each other just because you're brother and sister. I want to see you both fighting for your parents' love! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!


Gym Teacher: Tell you what, Simpson: I won't fail you if you join one of those peewee teams outside the school.
Lisa: You mean those leagues where parents push their kids into vicious competition to compensate for their own failed dreams of glory?
Gym Teacher: Look, I don't need this. I inhaled my favorite whistle this morning!


Me fail English? That's unpossible!


Man: In that case I sentence you to a lifetime of horror on Monster Island. [to Lisa] Don't worry, it's just a name.
[cut to Monster Island where Lisa and others are chased by fire-breathing monsters]
Lisa: He said it was just a name!
Man: What he meant is that Monster Island is actually a peninsula.

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