Community

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From Emmy Award-winner Dan Harmon comes "Community", a smart comedy series about higher education – and lower expectations. The student body at Greendale Community College is made up of high-school losers, newly divorced housewives, and old people who want to keep their minds active. Within these not-so-hallowed halls, Community focuses on a band of misfits, at the center of which is a fast-talking lawyer whose degree was found to be fake, who form a study group and end up learning a lot more about themselves than they do about their course work.


Quotes from Community

[to Abed] Are you being meta?


Look at us, living together, driving together. We're like Batman and Shaft!


Anthropology? Why study my ancient ancestors when we can just study the primitive races like Eskimos or Italians.


Troy: I'm just sharing what you say.
Pierce: Yeah? Well, what if I share all the stuff you say? He thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls.
Troy: There's no way to disprove that.


Annie: Exactly: there's a conspiracy here. A dark, vast conspiracy that may just go all the way to the top.
Jeff: This is Greendale, Annie. If there's a conspiracy, it goes all the way to *slightly* below the middle.


Troy: How did we get the short straw?
Abed: It's not a short straw. It's a hot potato.
Troy: Yeah, well, it looks pretty cold to me.
Abed: Cold or dead?.
Troy: Survey says...
Abed: We can't both do the zinger.


I was never one to hold grudges, Jeffrey. My father held grudges. I'll always hate him for that.


[Troy and Jeff are playing basketball]
Troy: Ready for The Bus Driver, Winger? You know why they call me The Bus Driver, right?
Jeff: 'Cause you've been traveling all day?
Troy: 'Cause I'm taking your butt to school.


Annie: You're really good at it. You're like a machine!
Abed: Like RoboCop?
Britta: Exactly like Rowboat Cop. Sharice is a bad rowboat. Sink her.


Abed: I hope they're not twins. Twins freak me out. They always know what the other one is...
Troy: Thinking?
Abed: Yeah. And they're always finishing each other's...
Troy: Pie?
Abed: Exactly. It's creepy.


[After being kicked in the face by Buddy] No no, its fine, it's fine. It's just little a nose bleed. I get 'em when it's dry and when my face gets kicked.


Jeff: She confessed to protect her classmates, because you were threatening to flunk everyone!
Duncan: You did what?
Chang: Oh, shut your pompous vortex of overlapping fangs!
Duncan: Hey, British dentistry is not on trial!


The Duncan Principle is simple. Namely, the more control lost by the... [students begin writing] Yeah, I'm going to write this down too, actually.


G.I. Joe is the code name for America's daring, awesomely-trained, awesome mission force. Its purpose: to fight Cobra, because they're terrorists. Look, I think I'm over-explaining it: the bad guys are snakes and the good guys are Army people.


Jeff: These are lyrics from songs from Dave.
Annie: Who?
Jeff: Dave Matthews... oh, excuse me for being alive in the nineties and having two ears connected to a heart.


But is he good or is he bad? Every actor is something. Robert Downey Jr.? Good. Jim Belushi? Bad. Jean-Claude Van Damme? The good kind of bad. Johnny Depp? The bad kind of good. There's a spectrum, and Cage is on it. I just have to find him.


Jeff: You're really doing this? Look, as someone who faked being a lawyer for seven years, I appreciate your commitment to the bit, but just admit you were wrong.
Britta: So you can say I Britta'd it?
Jeff: Yes, of course. That goes without saying. But come on, it was a small mistake. Call this off before it becomes a full-scale "Brittastrophe." I coined that.


I'm gonna go get a sandwich, which, unlike "changnesia," is real.


Britta: I wish to end all wars.
Troy: That's another rule. No wishes containing the word 'all'. Guaranteed ironic consequences.
Britta: I don't think anyone's going to miss wars.
Troy: Star Wars, Thumb wars, wow, Storage Wars!


Britta: Am I the only person enraged by the fact that corporations are taking human form? I totally predicted this in my high school newspaper column: Britta Unfiltered.
Pierce: Unfiltered. I get it.
Britta: Get what?


Annie: The Dean had his seventh epiphany today, which has given me an epiphany of my own: the Dean is a genius. He has to be. If he isn't, then I've given almost two weeks of life to an idiot; that is unacceptable. Therefore, the Dean is a genius, and I will die protecting his vision.
Abed: Are you by any chance familiar with Stockholm syndrome?
Annie: Is it something that the Dean created? Because if not, I don't care.


Troy: There are a couple of things we're hoping you'll help us with.
Abed: Yes. Like where does the water go in the iron?
Troy: And what's the iron for?
Abed: And what gets out Kool-Aid stains?
Troy: We already know the opposite color Kool-Aid doesn't work.


Britta: I can excuse racism, but I draw the line on animal cruelty.
Shirley: You can excuse racism?


I'm no sociopath. I always know what I'm doing is wrong.


What is wrong with you people?! Huh?! I thought you were supposed to be friends! I thought you were supposed to love each other! Your love is weird! And toxic! And it destroys everything it touches! I no longer care about grades! Or Biology, or finally graduating from college like I promised my dying father. I'm going home. I'm going to hold my wife and my child close and I'm going to finally take my insulin shot! Offense taken! Offense taken.


Abed: Okay, here's the plan. [starts mumbling nonsense]
Jeff: Abed! What did I tell you? You can't just mumble nonsense. No one's cutting away.


Shirley: Oh, Starburns. I see you added a lizard to your special hat and sideburns. Am I missing anything?
Star-Burns: Yeah, the human being underneath it all, but no one's really interested in that, are they?
Shirley: No.


Jeff: Hey, buddy. Where'd you go?
Duncan: I was taking care of my sick mother. She's still alive, but I've put in my time.


Congratulations, Jeffrey. You worked hard not to work hard to earn that degree.


She was born in the 80s, she still uses her phone as a phone!


Let's do what people do. Let's get a house we can't afford and a dog that makes us angry.


I teach law at Greendale, so believe me, I don't know much about law.


Some people said he hid his money using a portal to another dimension. Those people were on LSD. Everyone else said that he had a secret vault in his office.


Arizona Matchbook Company. Arizona. Arizona backwards is still Arizona! It's a palomino!


Crisis alert!


[to Britta] You are human tennis elbow. You are a pizza burn on the roof of the world's mouth. You are the opposite of Batman!


Britta: See you at Denny's?
Jeff: Denny's is for winners.


Abed: Jeff wants to see you.
Annie: Yeah? And I want pants. A lot of people want a lot of things.


Frankly, my dear, I don't give a Dean!


Jeff: The show's gonna last three weeks!
Abed: Six seasons and a movie!


I'm sorry, Annie. I'm not the worker bee type. I'm more of a silverback gorilla with the claws of a lion, the teeth of a shark, and quiet dignity of a tortoise.


Dean Pelton: What is your platform... Magnitude?
Magnitude: Pop pop!
Dean Pelton: Same question.
Magnitude: Same answer: Pop pop!


I told Pierce a thousand times, I never wanted to meet LeVar in person! I just wanted a picture. You can't disappoint a picture! I hate you Pierce!


I'm a stylish American, Professor. I've been forcing myself to be into soccer since 2004.


Troy: Who taught you therapy, Michael Jackson's dad?
Duncan: I am a professional, and you are interfering with a very fragile book deal... I mean, human being.


Abed: Wanna build a cardboard submarine?
Troy: Get out of my brain.


Do you understand what a conspiracy is? When you conspire with everyone you come across, you're not really conspiring with anyone. You're just doing random crap.


This was not an accident. Accidents don't happen over, and over, and over again. This isn't budget daycare.


Rich: First, I need to know something. Was anybody bitten before they came in here?
Chang: Ya bit? Huh? Ya bit?


We earn the right to pick on Greendale by going there every day. Our school may be a toilet, but it's our toilet. Nobody craps in it but us.


My whole brain is crying!


Well, Shirley, since you've clearly failed to grasp the central insipid metaphor of those Twilight books you devour, let me explain it to you: Men are monsters who crave young flesh. The end.


I can tell life from TV, Jeff. TV makes sense, it has structure, logic, rules, and likable leading men. In life, we have this. We have you.


Oh, and for the record? There was an episode of Happy Days where a guy *literally* jumped over a shark. And it was the *best* one.


Try not to wear as much lipstick as you did on Valentine's. Your mouth looked like a coin purse.


Now she is going to make the Disney face. Her lips will quiver and her eyelids will flutter, but they will not close.


Shirley: They remind me of Sam and Diane. I hated Sam and Diane.
Annie: Who are Sam and Diane?
Shirley: All right, we get it. You're young.


Pierce: Ay-bed, your social skills aren't exactly "streets ahead." Know what I mean?
Abed: I don't.
Jeff: You're not alone in this case. Pierce, stop trying to coin the phrase "streets ahead."
Pierce: Trying? Coined and minted! Been there, coined that! "Streets ahead" is verbal... wildfire!
Annie: Does it just mean "cool," or is it supposed to be like, "miles ahead"?
Pierce: If you have to ask, you're streets behind.


Pierce: Who is this?
Abed: That's Travis. You said you wanted someone in your entourage named Travis.
Pierce: Show him your license. Travis is his middle name.
Travis: I go by Travis.
Pierce: No, you go by the door.


Knock, knock. Who's there? Cancer. Oh good, come on in, I thought it was Britta!


Jeff: Good luck, Pierce.
Pierce: Don't need it, never had it.


Troy: You should be like Calvin. His best friend was a tiger, and he went on dope adventures, and if anything got in his way, he'd just pee on it.
Pierce: Calvin Coolidge?


Abed: When you guys first came in, we were as wholesome as the family in the Brady Bunch. Now we're as dysfunctional and incestuous as the cast of the Brady Bunch.
Shirley: I agree with Abed. This is getting creepy.
Annie: No more creepy than when Jeff wears tight jeans and you say, "I'd like to slap those buns on the grill!"
Shirley: First of all, I don't talk like that, and second of all where I'm from it's perfectly normal for women to talk about their male friends' backsides. You don't see me saying anything about Abed and Troy's weird little relationship.
Abed, Troy: [to each other] They're just jealous.


This is based on hearsay. Less than hearsay: Pierce's Twitter account, which says he is forty and runs a women-only pilates class.


You know when I was 30, people used to wish I was dead to my face. Now that's respect.


Culturally it's unacceptable, but it's theatrical dynamite.


The biggest truths aren't original. The truth is ketchup. It's Jim Belushi. Its job isn't to blow our minds. It's to be within reach, and the truth is, I get claustrophobic when things get official.


Every man should be punched in the face. It's a rite of passage. In my day, Friday night was smoke a doobie, feel up a gal, and then get your teeth knocked out by a Republican.


True or falso or none of the above? That doesn't make any sense.


To me, religion is like Paul Rudd. I see the appeal, and I would never take it away from anyone. But I would also never stand in line for it.


If he gets any nuttier, they're going to put him on "The View".


Let me rest gently on your pecs.


Don't, don't, don't, uh, lock your knees. Never lock your knees. You know what happens when you lock your knees? You die.


This is wrinkling my brain.


You remind me of a young me, but with slightly worse hair.


Britta: I was wrong, okay? Material possessions are important. Think how much happier the Jeffersons were than that family on "Good Times".
Jeff: Yeah, but they had good times.


Britta: You're not going to Annie's party?
Jeff: I have a conflict. It conflicts with the enjoyment of my life.


I was so unpopular in high school, the crossing guards used to lure me into traffic!


Alcohol makes people sad. It's the Lifetime movie of beverages.


Guys, I got a confession to make. I took anthropology because I want to be a part of your study group. Now, I gotta do the honest thing and just ask. Is there any room in this pocket for a little spare Chang?


Abed: You still call me a terrorist.
Pierce: If you're not, I'm sorry. If you are, I'm a hero. It's a risk I'm prepared to take.


From now on, April 1st is now March 32nd.


You know what I don't get? He never wears a shirt. He never wears shoes. Why hasn't he died from lack of service?


No no, its fine, it's fine. It's just little a nose bleed. I get 'em when it's dry and when my face gets kicked.


The only difference between Señor Chang and Stalin is that I know who Señor Chang is.


Pierce: To the empowerage of words.
Jeff: To the irony of that sentence.


Jeff: Uh, I am in a bit of a jam. The state Bar has suspended my license. They found out my college degree was less than legitimate.
Duncan: I thought you had a Bachelor's from Columbia?
Jeff: And now I have to get one from America. And it can't be an e-mail attachment.


Jeff: I discovered at a very early age that if I talk long enough, I can make anything right or wrong. So either I'm God or truth is relative. In either case, booyah!
Duncan: Interesting, it's just that the average person has a much harder time saying 'booyah' to moral relativism.


Jeff: I see your value now.
Abed: That is the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.


Duncan: Have you ever heard of the saying "Cheaters never prosper"?
Jeff: Duncan, if I wanted to learn something, I wouldn't have gone to community college.


Woah, you just wrinkled my brain.


Every once in a while, a student will come up to me and ask, "Señor Chang, why do you teach Spanish?" They say it just like that. "Why do *you* teach Spanish?" "Why you? Why not math? Why not photography? Why not martial arts?" I mean, surely, it must be in my nature to instruct you in something that's ancient and secret, like, oh, building a wall that you can see from outer space! Well, I'll tell you why I teach Spanish. It is none of your business, okay? I don't wanna have any conversations about what a mysterious, inscrutable man I am. Oh hee hee hee hee hee hee! Oh hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo! *I am a Spanish Genius!* In Español, my nickname is *El Tigre Chino*! Cause my knowledge will bite her face off! So don't question Señor Chang or you'll get bit. Yah bit! Yah bit!


Hasta luego! Come on, hands are 90% of Spanish!


Shirley: I'm not mad. I'm disappointed.
Jeff: That's mom for mad.


You hear that? That's not a heart monitor, it's a machine telling me I'm low on khakis.


The "Webster's Dictionary defines" intro is The Jim Belushi of speech openings: it accomplishes nothing, but everyone keeps on using it, and no one knows why.


I refused to give Santa a Christmas List because I didn't want to depend on a man for anything.


Abed is a magical elf-like man who makes us all more magical by being near him.


No woman, none of us have to go to anyone. And the idea that we do is a mental illness we contracted from breath mint commercials and Sandra Bullock. We can't keep going to each other until we learn to go to ourselves. Stop making our hatred of ourselves someone else's job and just stop hating ourselves.


Friends don't do what you did to us. Did the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants poison each other's food so they were too sick to leave? No! I've never seen it, but I'm pretty sure they MAILED EACH OTHER PANTS!


Anyone can be a lawyer. You can even represent yourself. You can't do surgery on yourself. It's illegal. You'd get arrested, and then you'd get a free lawyer.


It's Valentine's week, when the Greendale Human Being is the Cupid Being, delivering your gift to that special someone. But, remember, Cupid's face is magic marker on nylon, so love is not only blind but also dizzy and a little belligerent.


Jeff: I'm saying, you're a football player. It's in your blood!
Troy: That's racist.
Jeff: Your soul.
Troy: That's racist.
Jeff: Your eyes?
Troy: That's gay?
Jeff: That's homophobic.
Troy: That's black.
Jeff: *That's* racist.


Annie: This is really important to me, Abed. Could you please go as my friend? My really good friend?
Abed: Well, I didn't realize we were really good friends. I figured we were more like Chandler and Phoebe. They never really had stories together. ... Sure, I'll do it, Chandler.

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