Parks and Recreation
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The series follows Leslie Knope, the deputy head of the Parks and Recreation department in the fictional town of Pawnee, Indiana. Knope takes on a project with a nurse named Ann to turn a construction pit into a park, while trying to mentor a bored college-aged intern. However, Leslie must fight through the bureaucrats, problem neighbors, and developers in order to make her dream a reality, all while with a camera crew recording her every gaff and mishap.
Quotes from Parks and Recreation
Normally, if given a choice between doing something and nothing, I would choose to do nothing. But I will do something if it helps someone else to do nothing. I'd work all night if it meant nothing got done.
I don't know if you know this, but things with fat in them taste way better than things with no fat.
When I eat it is the food that is scared.
Chris: I was in charge of the cake. To be fair, it’s not a cake, so much as it is a vegetable loaf. You’ve got your mushrooms, your alfalfa sprouts, spinach, and I added sweetened fruit reduction.
Ron: What did they ask you to bring, a vegetable loaf, or a cake?
Chris: No, a cake. But this is so much healthier.
Ron: So not only does this thing exist, but now you have deprived everyone of cake.
Ron: Why does anybody in the world ever eat anything but breakfast food?
Leslie: People are idiots, Ron.
Justin is hip. Pawnee is the opposite of hip. People in this town are just now getting into Nirvana. I don't have the heart to tell them what's going to happen to Kurt Cobain in 1994.
I think this is gonna be a really good bonding experience with Ron. Guys love it when you can show them you're better than they are at something they love.
So you talked to Tammy? What's it like to stare into the eye of Satan's butthole?
I have never taken the high road. But I tell other people to 'cause then there's more room for me on the low road.
When Andy and I used to go the movies, he would always try to guess the ending of the movie. And he would always guess that the main character had been dead the whole time. Even when we saw Ratatouille.
So I go by Terry now. They already had a Larry in the Parks department, and they suggested that they change my name to Terry. I told them my real name was Garry, and they said "who cares?" What a fun bunch of guys.
Who cares what Gryzzl and Ron have. I have the most valuable currency in America: a blind, stubborn belief that I'm 100% right.
That was amazing. That was a flu-ridden Michael Jordan at the '97 NBC FInals. That was Kirk Gibson hobbling up to the plate and hitting a homer off of Dennis Eckersley. That was... that was Leslie Knope.
Tom: Watch the master work it, I am the Yoda of networking.
Ben: Well Yoda wouldn't actually need networking, his powers were more spiritual.
Tom: Shut up you nerd!
I don't get it. At all. It's kind of a small horse, I mean what am I missing? Am I crazy?
Tom: It's almost too easy.
Ben: I can hear you.
Tom: I know you can Ben, that's how easy it is.
Tom: I feel like you're embarrassed by me.
Ann: That is accurate.
I'm not afraid of cops. I have no reason to be I never break any laws, ever, because I'm deathly afraid of cops.
Senior citizens are basically the only people who vote in local elections. So if you want to win you gotta get the gray vote.
Ben: Hypothetical crisis: Leslie just tried to answer a question, but audibly farted and then threw up. Spin.
Chris: Leslie Knope is literally overflowing with ideas for this town. And speaking about methane, have you heard about her plan to limit greenhouse gas emissions?
Leslie: It is nice to see you again.
Ben: Are you talking to my butt?
They call me Devo because I can whip 'em good.
April: Are you busy? And writing Star Trek fan fiction doesn't count.
Ben: Haha. And I finished that last week.
Ben: What's your new company?
Tom: We specialize in making stacks on stacks on stacks on stacks.
Ben: I don't know if you knew this, but Leslie was born in Eagleton!
Leslie: Do not blame me for the sins of my mother!
I gotta give you credit. Your mission statement made sense and you didn't use one R. Kelly lyric.
The game is Settlers of Catan. The object is be the first to build a civilization on this fictional island.
Wanna stick around? I've got a bunch of Homeland episodes burning a hole in my DVR.
I love how independent my wife is, and for that reason, I will not let her speak! That came out wrong.
I hope that high school auditorium is big enough because I’m bringing 10,000 Maniacs.
Leslie: Will you go to the prom with me?
Ben: Why, I thought you’d never ask...because we’re 40.
Andy: You know when you go to the ATM and get money—is there an actual guy that stands there and gives you money?
Andy: Yeah, those are robots.
Spending the day outside alone sounds like a dream. I love being a father, but there are a few things I miss: silence, the absence of noise, one single moment undisturbed by a children’s tv program called Doc McStuffins.
Leslie: What’s your favorite TV show?
Donna: For live tweeting it’s Scandal, for binge watching, it’s Scandal. And for fashion? Scandal. My favorite TV show is Scandal.
Leslie: Now is lady time.
April: You sound like a tampon commercial.
Leslie: What’s the 411? Who you crushin’ on these days?
April: Ew, my husband, weirdo.
I once forgot to brush my teeth for five weeks. I didn’t actually sell my last car. I just forgot where I parked it. I don’t know who Al Gore is and now I’m afraid to ask.
Good, I hate paperwork. I hardly ever do it in my bed on a Saturday night listening to old Spice Girls CDs.
Ben, stop! This is like listening to a Ted Talk by the color beige!
I have been tense lately. Just thinking about the new Star Wars sequel. I’m worried they’ll rely too heavily on CGI and I’m carrying it all in my shoulders.
Veganism is the sad result of a morally corrupt mind. Reconsider your life.
Dear frozen yogurt, you are the celery of desserts. Be ice cream or be nothing. Zero Stars.
Andy: If you rearrange the letters of Peru you can spell Europe.
Ben: That's... that's not true.
Andy: Well, you have to rearrange them.
Chris: I know that Ron doesn't want us to eat anything before the meat, but I smuggled in some candy.
Tom: Oh, thank God, I'm starving. Raisins?!?
Chris: It's nature's candy! Now, they're basically grapes, so remember to pace yourself. [eats them all] I can't even follow my own advice. So delicious!
Tom: Man, I'm hungry and my legs are tired. Yuck. It feels like I just exercised.
Jerry: Just sit on the ground.
Tom: No, Jerry. It's dirty and I'm wearing my summer linens!
Barbecues should be about one thing: good shared meat.
Tom: Hey man, what'd the doc say? Everything OK?
Chris: The tests and blood work came back, and the news is terrible. They found... nothing.
Chris: Nothing: The silent killer.
I guess I kind of hate most things. But I never really seem to hate you. So I want to spend the rest of my life with you, is that cool?
Birthdays were invented by Hallmark to sell cards.
OK, everyone: shut up! And look at me! Welcome to "Visions of Nature." This room has several paintings in it. Some are big, some are small. People did them and they're here now. I believe that after this is over, they'll be hung in government buildings. Why the government is involved in an art show is beyond me. I also think it's pointless for a human to paint scenes of nature when they could just go outside and stand in it. Anyway, please do not misinterpret the fact that I am talking right now as genuine interest in art and attempt to discuss it with me further. End of speech.
I work hard to make sure my department is as small and as ineffective as possible.
Well, you know it's like I always say 'it ain't government work if you don't have to do it twice.'
I love parks. I don't know if that's something I've communicated before. So, having a picnic with all the former living parks department directors? Guess who just checked something off her bucket list!
Horseback. You should ask her on horseback. No, you should ask her in a hot air balloon. No, she should be on a hot air balloon and you should ride up on horseback. Oh, wait. She's in the balloon; you ride up on horseback. You point to the sky. Up there, skywriting. Marry me, Ann.
When I was 18, I ran for mayor of my small town and won. Little bit of anti-establishment voter rebellion I guess. Here's the thing, though, about 18-year-olds. They're idiots. So I pretty much ran the place into the ground and after two months got impeached. Worst part was my parents grounded me.
I have a resting heart rate of 23 beats per minute. The scientists who study me say my heart can pump jet fuel up into an airplane.
I know what'll loosen up our brains. Massage train. And, I know what you're thinking. It's not that I want a massage; I'll be the caboose. And Ron Swanson is the locomotive.
There's an old saying in show business: The show must go wrong. Everything always goes wrong, and you just have to deal with it.
The bankrupt government of Pawnee has been shut down all summer so it's been three months of no work, no meetings, no memos, no late nights, nothing. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
Well, I am not usually one for speeches. So, goodbye.
Under my tutelage, you will grow from boys to men. From men into gladiators. And from gladiators into Swansons.
Haircuts, there are three acceptable haircuts: High and tight, crew cut, buzz cut. Are the scissors broken in your house, son?
I'd say my coaching style is centered around fundamentals, with an emphasis on fun. And a second emphasis on ... mental.
The less I know about other people's affairs, the happier I am. I'm not interested in caring about people. I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name. Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes.
Leslie, I typed your symptoms into the thing up here and it says you could have network connectivity problems.
It's not that I don't trust Ben. It's that I don't have faith in Ben. And also I'm starting to forget who Ben is.
See, I never promise Leslie anything. That way I never disappoint her. I try to be considerate.
Ben: You need a ride back to the office?
Chris: No, no. I'm going to go for a light 15K. I missed yesterday.
For my item I chose a picture of my ex-girlfriend, Lucy, with a mustache drawn on her face and stink lines coming off her, because she stinks!
I am submitting this menu from a Pawnee institution, J.J.'s Diner. Home of the world's best breakfast dish: The Four Horsemeals of the Eggporkalypse.
She broke up with me. Didn't really tell me why. Luckily when you're the guy you can just tell people she's crazy. "Hey, Tom, I heard you and Lucy broke up." "Yeah, man. Turns out, she's crazy." That's what they always do on Entourage.
It's not cool. It's trespassing, and that is breaking the rules. Cool people make the rules. They don't break the rules. And if those kids want you to break the rules then they're not really your friends.
Dude, that is the coolest sentence I have ever heard somebody talk.
Am I team Edward? Yes. Do I share his concerns about turning Bella, though? Absolutely not.
Leslie: I think we should put Twilight in the time capsule.
Ron: Leslie, no. We don't negotiate with weirdos.
Ben: Should we throw in some salads for a healthy option?
Tom: Wow, don't be such a Jerry, Ben.
Leslie: Yeah, Ben. These guys are cops. Not ballerinas.
Leslie: Calzones are like pizzas but they're harder to eat. They're dumb. And so was that idea.
Tom: This is embarrassing for you.
I'd like you to get me some more post-its. I'd like them in multiple colors. I'd like green. I'd like yellow. Do not buy orange. I do not want orange. I have plenty of orange.
I haven't felt this good in years. And it's not just because of the supplements he has me taking and the soluble fiber and the increase in regularity. It's him.
Look I love you like a brother. But right now I hate you. Like my actual brother, Levandrious, who I hate.
Calzones are pointless. They're just pizza that's harder to eat. No one likes them. Good day, sir.
Encapsulate the spirit of melancholy. Easy. Boom, a sad desk. Boom, sad wall. It's art. Anything is anything.
He's not going to be able to keep anything from me. In high school they used to call me Angela Lansbury, but that was because of my hair cut.
Then I'm sure he's not cheating on you. But if he is, he's a monster. And if he's not, you guys are great together. But if he is, I will kill him.
Chris: Man, you are just knocking these off. You're like a ninja crossed with a Jedi or something.
Tom: You're like a nerd mixed with a dork or something.
Chris: Tom, Star Wars is not that nerdy.
You're all amazing, wonderful people and I really want you to have fun today and not focus on the fact that if one thing goes wrong, we're all gonna lose our jobs.
April: Hey, I love you.
Andy: Dude, shut up! That is awesome sauce!
You only get one chance to make a second impression.
Listen, I've eaten a commissary hamburger for lunch every day for twelve years. I just wanted to make sure this pointless health crusade won't affect the only part of my job that I like.
Andy: I don't get it. What does he have that I don't have?
Ann: Are you serious?
Ann: Everything. He has literally everything you don't have. A job, a car, a steady income, an address, a second pair of shoes, table manners, the ability to say "tampon" without giggling.
'Zerts are what I call desserts. Tray-trays are entrees. I call sandwiches sammies, sandoozles, or Adam Sandlers. Air conditioners are cool blasterz, with a z. I don't know where that came from. I call cakes big ol' cookies. I call noodles long-ass rice. Fried chicken is fry-fry chicky-chick. Chicken parm is chicky chicky parm parm. Chicken cacciatore? Chicky catch. I call eggs pre-birds, or future birds. Root beer is super water. Tortillas are bean blankies. And I call forks...food rakes.
Leslie: I'm so desperate I even brought in my dream journal hoping it would inspire me.
Ann: [reading the journal] "I married ALF and we're pretty happy." This one's nice.
Leslie: It was.
I just want to get the work over as soon as possible so I can do some fishing. Fishing relaxes me. It's like yoga except I still get to kill something.
Just give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Wait, wait. I'm worried what you just heard was, "Give me a lot of bacon and eggs." What I said was, "Give me all the bacon and eggs you have". Do you understand?
One time when I was in high school, a guy's mom called me and broke up with me for him. There was another time where I was on a date, and I tripped and broke my kneecap, and the guy said he wasn't "feeling it," so he left and I waited for an ambulance. One time I was dating this guy for a while, and then he got down on one knee and he begged me never to call him again. One guy broke up with me while we were in the shower together. Skywriting isn't always positive. Another time a guy invited me to a beautiful picnic with wine and flowers, and then when I tried to sit down, he said, "Don't eat anything. Rebecca's coming." And then he broke up with me.
I know Tammy seems scary, but really she's just a manipulative, psychotic, library book pedaling, sex crazed she-demon.
I've been developing the Swanson Pyramid of Greatness for years. It's a perfectly calibrated recipe for maximum personal achievement. Categories include Capitalism: God's way of determining who is smart and who is poor. Crying: acceptable at funerals and the Grand Canyon. Rage. Poise. Property rights. Fish: for sport only, not for meat. Fish meat is practically a vegetable.
I take care of my body above all else. Diet, exercise, supplements, positive thinking. Scientists believe that the first human being who will live 150 years has already been born. I believe I am that human being.
I am only here because I owe Leslie a thousand favors. I'm not big on charities. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Don’t teach a man to fish, and you feed yourself. He’s a grown man. Fishing’s not that hard.
Andy: Let me explain something to you, Tweep. When you're in a situation, you don't have time to think. So I thought to myself, "Don't think, Andy. Act."
Tom: So you weren't thinking.
Andy: Not at all. I cannot emphasize enough how little I was thinking.
Leslie needs to butt out. The whole point of this country is if you want to eat garbage, balloon up to 600 pounds, and die of a heart attack at 43, you can. You are free to do so. To me, that's beautiful.
I think this is gonna be a really good bonding experience with Ron. Guys love it when you can show them you're better than they are at something they love.
On a scale from one to Chris Brown, how pissed off is he?
Leslie: What if he shows up with another woman? What if one of my sleeves catches on fire and it spreads rapidly? What if instead of Tic-Tacs I accidentally pop a couple of Ambien and I have to keep punching my leg to stay awake?
Ann: Those are all insane hypotheticals and I promise you they won't happen.
Leslie: They have happened. All of these have happened to me.
The band has had a few different names over the years. When we started, we were Teddy Bear Suicide, but then we changed it to Mouse Rat. Then we were God Hates Figs, Department of Homeland Obscurity, Flames for Flames, Muscle Confusion, Nothing Rhymes With Orange, then Everything Rhymes With Orange, Punch Face Champions, Rad Wagon, Puppy Pendulum, Possum Pendulum, Penis Pendulum, Handrail Suicide, Angel Snack, Just the Tip, Threeskin... Oh, Jet Black Pope. We went back to Mouse Rat, and now we are Scarecrow Boat. God, when I hear myself say Scarecrow Boat out loud I kinda hate it...
My idea of a perfect government is one guy who sits in a small room at a desk, and the only thing he's allowed to decide is who to nuke. The man is chosen based on some kind of IQ test, and maybe also a physical tournament, like a decathlon. And women are brought to him, maybe...when he desires them.
What I hear when I'm being yelled at is people caring loudly at me.
I've been quite open about this around the office: I don't want this parks department to build any parks because I don't believe in government. I think that all government is a waste of taxpayer money. My dream is to have the park system privatized and run entirely for profit by corporations, like Chuck E. Cheese. They have an impeccable business model. I would rather work for Chuck E. Cheese.
Say you had a friend who wanted to do something good, but a little risky and she was kind of nervous about it, and this friend is me. What should I do?
Sometimes when you make an omelet you've gotta break a few eggs. What's the alternative? No omelets at all? Who wants to live in that kind of world? Maybe birds. Then all their babies would live.
Raul: We get 14,000 channels. Fourteen thousand. I already know who wins Project Runway.
Leslie: Wow, I'm coming over to your house then.
Raul: I see what you're getting at, but no thank you. I am still primarily interested in the large black woman.
This is outrageous. Where are the armed men who come in to take the protestors away? Where are they? This kind of behavior is never tolerated in Boraqua. You shout like that they put you in jail. Right away. No trial, no nothing. Journalists, we have a special jail for journalists. You are stealing? right to jail. You are playing music too loud? Right to jail, right away. Driving too fast? jail. Slow? jail. You are charging too high prices for sweaters, glasses- you right to jail. You undercook fish? Believe it or not, jail. You overcook chicken, also jail. Undercook, overcook. You make an appointment with the dentist and you don't show up, believe it or not, jail, right away. We have the best patients in the world because of jail.
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