The Big Bang Theory
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A woman who moves into an apartment across the hall from two brilliant but socially awkward physicists shows them how little they know about life outside of the laboratory.
Quotes from The Big Bang Theory
Don't try to put science lipstick on your New Age pig.
Leonard: What do you mean, you're moving out? Why?
Sheldon: There doesn't have to be a reason.
Leonard: Yeah, there kinda does.
Sheldon: Not necessarily. This is a classic example of Münchhausen's Trilemma. Either the reason is predicated on a series of sub-reasons leading to an infinite regression, or it tracks back to arbitrary axiomatic statements, or it's ultimately circular, i.e. I'm moving out because I'm moving out.
Leonard: I'm still confused.
Sheldon: Leonard, I don't see how I could have made it any simpler.
Leonard: At least I didn't have to invent 26 dimensions just to make the math come out.
Sheldon: I didn't invent them, they are there!
Leonard: In what universe?
Sheldon: In all of them, that's the point.
Penny: I'm a Sagittarius, which probably tells you way more than you need to know.
Sheldon: Yes, it tells us that you participate in the mass cultural delusion that the sun's apparent position relative to arbitrarily defined constellations at the time of your birth somehow affects your personality.
Penny: Participate in the what?
Excuse me, explain to me an organizational system where a tray of flatware on a couch is valid? Now, I'm just inferring that this is a couch, because the evidence suggests that the coffee table is having a tiny garage sale.
Sheldon: I can't believe he fired me.
Leonard: Well, you did call him a "glorified high school science teacher whose last successful experiment was lighting his own farts."
Sheldon: In my defense, I prefaced that with, "with all due respect."
Sheldon: This car weighs, let's say, 4,000 pounds. Now add 140 for me, 120 for you...
Sheldon: Oh, I'm sorry. Did I insult you? Is your body mass somehow tied into your self-worth?
I don't know how, but she is cheating! Nobody can be that attractive and this skilled at a video game.
Penny: So, you know, isn't there maybe some way you and Sheldon could compromise on this whole presentation thing?
Leonard: No. Scientists do not compromise. Our minds are trained to synthesize facts and come to inarguable conclusions. Not to mention Sheldon is bat-crap crazy.
Leonard: Sheldon, are you worried about your safety?
Sheldon: No, I imagine if you were going to kill me, you'd have done it a long time ago.
Leonard: That's very true.
Every family in America has a relative holed up in a garage somewhere huffing paint thinner.
Sheldon: Here's the problem with teleportation.
Leonard: Lay it on me.
Sheldon: Assuming a device could be invented, which would identify the quantum state of matter of an individual in one location and transmit that pattern to a distant location for reassembly. You would not have actually transported the individual, you would have destroyed him in one location and recreated him in another.
Leonard: How about that.
Sheldon: Personally, I would never use a transporter because the original Sheldon would have to be disintegrated in order to create a new Sheldon.
Leonard: Would the new Sheldon be in any way an improvement on the old Sheldon?
Sheldon: No, he would be exactly the same.
Leonard: That is a problem.
Engineering, where the semi-skilled laborers execute the vision of those who think and dream.
Sheldon: So, you're saying that friendship contains within it an inherent obligation to maintain confidences?
Penny: Well, yeah.
Sheldon: Interesting. One more question—and perhaps I should have led with this—when did we become friends?
Leonard: How could you just sit there and let them spy on me?
Sheldon: They were clever, Leonard. They exploited my complete lack of interest in what you were doing.
Everybody has a date. Even you Mario, going after Princess Peach. What am I doing? I'm just enabling you.
Penny: I am going to introduce your friend to a world of hurt.
Leonard: You don't want to get into it with Sheldon. The guy is one lab accident away from being a super villain.
I am not going to watch the Clone Wars TV series until I've seen the Clone Wars movie. I prefer to let George Lucas disappoint me in the order he intended.
It's very simple. Scissors cuts paper, paper covers rock, rock crushes lizard, lizard poisons Spock, Spock smashes scissors, scissors decapitates lizard, lizard eats paper, paper disproves Spock, Spock vaporizes rock, and—as it always has—rock crushes scissors
You know, I've given the matter some thought, and I think I'd be willing to be a house pet to a race of super-intelligent aliens.
You're probably thinking, "the comic book store, on a Thursday? Why I've fallen down the rabbit hole and into a land of madness." What you have failed to take into account, Penny, is that this is "Anything Can Happen Thursday".
You know, I'm given to understand that there's an entire city in Nevada devoted specifically to help people like Howard forget their problems. They replace them with new problems such as alcoholism, gambling addiction and sexually transmitted diseases.
Sheldon: You have to check your messages, Leonard! Leaving a message is one-half of a social contract, which is completed by the checking of the message. If that contract breaks down, then all social contracts break down and we descend into anarchy.
Leonard: It must be hell inside your head.
Sheldon: At times.
Howard: This is the thing from the pizza box that keeps the lid from touching the cheese.
Raj: Is that what this is for? In India, the lid just touches the cheese. Of course, we also have rampant poverty and periodic outbreaks of cholera, so a little cardboard on our cheese is no biggie.
Raj: I don't like bugs, okay? They freak me out.
Sheldon: Interesting. You're afraid of insects and women. Ladybugs must render you catatonic.
I'm going to be deported, sent home in disgrace, exposed to the sardonic barbs of my cousin Sanjay, or as you may know him, Dave from AT&T customer service
Okay, please don't take this the wrong way, but I'd rather swim butt-naked across the Ganges with a paper cut on my nipple and die a slow agonizing death from a viral infection than work with you
Leonard: You know deep down on the inside, Howard's a good guy.
Penny: The problem isn't what's on the inside, it's the creepy candy coating.
I came here to defeat Wil Wheaton: the man who destroyed my dreams, but I can't destroy Wil Wheaton: the man who loved his mee-maw.
You keep in mind that my sharply-worded comments on yelp.com recently took down a muffin store
Sheldon, you remind me of a young Lex Luthor.
If I hadn't gone into microbiology, I would have gone into physics. Or ice dancing.
Leonard: When we watch Frosty the Snowman, he roots for the sun.
Sheldon: Excuse me, but the sun is essential for all life on earth. Frosty is merely a bit of frozen, supernatural ephemera in a stolen hat. A crime, by the way, for which he is never brought to account.
Raj: We'd just see what's what.
Sheldon: That's a semantically null sentence.
Wow, that's all you got after you were the most obnoxious person on a double date that included Howard Wolowitz?
I do not have to urinate. I am a master of my own bladder. Drat.
I haven't seen him this stuck since he tried to figure out the third Matrix movie.
I asked myself what is the most mind-numbing, pedestrian job conceivable and three answers came to mind: a toll booth employees, an Apple store genius, and what Penny does. Because I don't like touch other people's coins and I refuse to contribute to the devaluation of the word genius, here I am.
Sheldon: I believe you know why I'm here.
Penny: I always figured it was to study us, discover our weaknesses, and report back to your alien overlords.
I don't trust banks. I believe that when the robots rise up, ATMs will lead the charge.
Here's Mr. T's head on Spock's body. I pity the fool that is illogical.
Leonard: You want to talk endless patience? Penny made me watch all five seasons of Sex and the City.
Raj: Dude, there's six seasons.
Leonard: Oh crap.
What did you do, Romeo? Did you pour maple syrup all over your body and ask her if she was in the mood for a short stack?
Enjoy the accolades now, Wil Wheaton. But like your time on Star Trek: The Next Generation, your smug self-satisfaction will be short-lived.
Penny: Can I ask you a question?
Sheldon: Given your community college education, I encourage you to ask as many as possible.
Despite their tendency to build Death Stars, I've always been more of an Empire man.
Howard: Women, huh? Can't live with 'em; can't successfully refute their hypotheses.
Sheldon: Amen to that.
Leonard: What am I doing in your spam folder?
Sheldon: I put you there after you forwarded me a picture of a cat playing the piano entitled, "this is funny."
Wolowitz: I love watching Raj and Sheldon try to work together.
Leonard: Yeah, it's like if Alien and Predator decided to go partners in a Jamba Juice.
Leonard: How can you have a girlfriend you can't even speak to women?
Raj: Two words: deaf chick. It doesn't matter if i can't talk cause she can't hear me.
Raj: That's what she said.
Leonard: Have you considered telling her your feelings?
Sheldon: Leonard, I'm a physicist, not a hippie.
Leonard: Well let me see if I can explain your situation using physics. What would you be if you were attached to another object by an incline plane, wrapped helically around an axis.
Leonard: There you go.
You're far too short to be Darth Vader. You're much more likely to be a turncoat Ewok.
I believe you were about to ask me to choose a cocktail. Fortunately, thanks to computer-savvy alcoholics, there's an app for that.
I don't like the Olive Garden. They treat me like family.
I find zombies dancing in choreographed synchronicity implausible. And also it's really scary.
I believe I'll gain acceptance by arbitrarily siding with your friends from time to time.
Indian Monopoly is just like regular Monopoly, but instead of money you use rupees, instead of building hotels you build call centers, and when you pick a chance card there's a chance you die of dysentery. And just FYI, that was racist.
I'd like to say I'm very happy that you're back together, and if I can figure out a way to do so and sound sincere, I will.
Bernadette: So we just sit here and stare at a screen and wait for something to happen?
Wolowitz: I did it with you when we watched The Notebook.
I was expecting applause but I suppose stunned silence is equally appropriate.
Good news! Thanks to you I was able to make a rhesus monkey cry like a disgraced televangelist.
She used to be much more fun until Leonard punched her in the heart.
Leonard: You called the police because someone hacked your World of Warcraft account?
Sheldon: What choice did I have? The mighty Sheldor, level 85 blood elf, hero of the Eastern kingdoms has been picked clean, like a carcass in the desert sun. Plus, the FBI hung up on me.
Three thousand hours, three thousand hours clicking on that mouse, collecting weapons and gold. It's almost as if it was a huge waste of time.
He was robbed of a bunch of imaginary crap that's useful in a make-believe place.
Irrelevant. Leonard doesn't trim his nose hair. He thinks because he's short, no one can see up there.
You may have gone to Cambridge, but I am an honorary graduate of Starfleet Academy.
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