The Good Place Season 3 Episode 1: Everything Is Bonzer!

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First aired on Sept. 27, 2018

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Quotes:

Simone: Hopefully, none of you is claustrophobic.
Jason: Clausterphobic? Who would ever be scared of Santa Claus? Oh! The Jewish.


I know this sounds crazy, but I'm starting to think there might be more to life than amateur street dancing competitions.


If my life ended today, what would my legacy be? Sure, I did a wheelie on a dirt bike through an entire Waffle House, and I was once interviewed on the news for finding a foot on the beach, but yo, other than that, I have no truly great accomplishments.


I want you thinking about dance 24/7. That means every day, you think 20 thoughts about dance for seven minutes.


Jason: My life is just kinda messed up right now. I had a really tough year.
Michael: I'm sorry. Want to talk about it? I'm a pretty good listener.
Jason: Well, my year started about a year ago...


Simone and Chidi are good together. I've been running simulations on what their kids will be like. One of them is hot enough to be on "The Bachelor" and smart enough to never go on "The Bachelor."


Chidi: Questions?
Eleanor: Uh, yeah, a few. I wrote down "what?", "huh?", and then this doodle of a burrito because when I first read Aristotle I thought it was pronounced like Chipotle. Wait a minute, is it "Chip-o-tottle?"


Whenever anyone tells me a story about their life I always imagine all the people as being super hot. Otherwise, I quickly lose interest. Do you not do that? You can do it for free.


Chidi: There are actual answers here. Data you can observe and learn from.
Simone: Yeah, man. Science is all about getting answers. You philosophers can spend your entire life mulling over a single question. That's why everyone hates moral philosophy professors.


Chidi: I am absolutely paralyzed by decision making and it is destroying my life.
Simone: Yeah, I sort of got that when you couldn't choose a chair to sit on.
Chidi: Well, I didn't want to offend you in case you had a favorite.


Chidi: I grew up in Senegal, so my native language is French. But I went to American schools, so I also speak English. And German and Greek. And Latin, just in case it ever comes back.
Eleanor: Cool. I once got 12 out of 12 on a Buzzfeed quiz called "Do you know all the slang words the Kardashians invented?"
Chidi: Congratulations?
Eleanor: Thank you. I'm going to be honest. I did cheat.


Magazine Reporter: Who would you say is the most famous person in your phone?
Tahani: It's not about who you know. Enlightenment comes from within. The Dalai Lama texted me that.


Okay, I've made my decision. I want to... start crying.


Michael: I got to ride a bike. I put a coin in a thing and got a gumball. And then someone came up to me and said, "hot enough for ya?", and you know what I said? I said, "tell me about it!"
Janet: Well I am glad that you got to chew a gumball.
Michael: Oh, damn. I didn't even think to chew it. Missed opportunity, shoot.


I saw this place that was at once a Pizza Hut and a Taco Bell! I mean, oh! The mind reels! A Pizza Hut and a Taco Bell!


Michael: And what's the significance of the keychain?
The Doorman: Nothing, I just like frogs. I'm a frog guy.


Michael: So, how long's this trip take? I hope I don't get a middle seat.
The Doorman: Wow. I haven't heard a joke in 8,000 years. And I still haven't.

Showing 17 quotes.