I do have a stomachache. Why do I always have a stomachache?
You put the Peeps in the chili pot and eat them both up! You put the Peeps in the chili pot and add the M&Ms. You put the Peeps in the chili pot and it makes it taste bad.
Look, all my life this money has been a weight around my neck-- like the Heart of the Ocean necklace my friend James Cameron once gave me.
We're technically supposed to shut down the bank if anyone from Florida even walks in.
Gel Mibson: ... this person. A man who is so flagrantly ignoring the "one lollipop per customer" rule.
Jason: No, I walked out and back in each time, so I'm different customers.
Man, there's so many times that just this amount of money would have changed my life. I could have paid my rent. I could have gone to a real doctor instead of pretending I was a big dog so I could go to the vet.
In America, everyone does whatever they want. Society did break down. It's terrible, and it's great. You only look out for number one, scream at whoever disagrees with you. There are no bees because they all died, and if you need surgery, you just beg for money on the internet. It's a perfect system.
Rule number one-- I get to do whatever I want, and you all just have to deal with it. Rule two: no more Spider-Man movies! There's way too many Spider-Man movies! Too many dorky little twerpy Spider-Men. Rule three: everyone leave me alone.
Where's the H? This keyboard doesn't have an H.
Damon: Hey, you want to talk to God?
Chidi: "God is dead. God remains dead, and we have killed him. Who will wipe this blood off us? What festivals of atonement, what sacred games shall we have to invent?" Friedrich Nietzsche, 1882.
Damon: I was just trying to sell you some drugs, and you made it weird!
I love getting my name on stuff. In Jacksonville, I got a flu virus named after me 'cause I kissed a bat on a dare.
My cousin once hired me to do crowd control for his off-brand SeaWorld. Well, technically, it was just a bunch of kiddie pools full of jellyfish, and instead of a killer whale, they killed a whale.
I have an idea, but it's a little risky. I need you to act as my bodyguard. Like my friend, Kevin Costner, in that movie where he was a bodyguard, "The Bodyguard."
Michael: Okay, um, how do I explain this concisely? This is Tuesdays... and also July.
Janet: And sometimes it's never.
Showing 15 quotes.
While time on Earth moves in a straight line-- one thing happens, then the next, then the next, time in the afterlife moves in a "Jeremy Bearimy."