The Good Place
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Eleanor Shellstrop is an ordinary woman who, through an extraordinary string of events, enters the afterlife where she comes to realize that she hasn't been a very good person. With the help of her wise afterlife mentor, she's determined to shed her old way of living and discover the awesome (or at least the pretty good) person within.
Quotes from The Good Place
I do have a stomachache. Why do I always have a stomachache?
You put the Peeps in the chili pot and eat them both up! You put the Peeps in the chili pot and add the M&Ms. You put the Peeps in the chili pot and it makes it taste bad.
Look, all my life this money has been a weight around my neck-- like the Heart of the Ocean necklace my friend James Cameron once gave me.
We're technically supposed to shut down the bank if anyone from Florida even walks in.
Gel Mibson: ... this person. A man who is so flagrantly ignoring the "one lollipop per customer" rule.
Jason: No, I walked out and back in each time, so I'm different customers.
Man, there's so many times that just this amount of money would have changed my life. I could have paid my rent. I could have gone to a real doctor instead of pretending I was a big dog so I could go to the vet.
In America, everyone does whatever they want. Society did break down. It's terrible, and it's great. You only look out for number one, scream at whoever disagrees with you. There are no bees because they all died, and if you need surgery, you just beg for money on the internet. It's a perfect system.
Rule number one-- I get to do whatever I want, and you all just have to deal with it. Rule two: no more Spider-Man movies! There's way too many Spider-Man movies! Too many dorky little twerpy Spider-Men. Rule three: everyone leave me alone.
Where's the H? This keyboard doesn't have an H.
Damon: Hey, you want to talk to God?
Chidi: "God is dead. God remains dead, and we have killed him. Who will wipe this blood off us? What festivals of atonement, what sacred games shall we have to invent?" Friedrich Nietzsche, 1882.
Damon: I was just trying to sell you some drugs, and you made it weird!
I love getting my name on stuff. In Jacksonville, I got a flu virus named after me 'cause I kissed a bat on a dare.
My cousin once hired me to do crowd control for his off-brand SeaWorld. Well, technically, it was just a bunch of kiddie pools full of jellyfish, and instead of a killer whale, they killed a whale.
I have an idea, but it's a little risky. I need you to act as my bodyguard. Like my friend, Kevin Costner, in that movie where he was a bodyguard, "The Bodyguard."
Michael: Okay, um, how do I explain this concisely? This is Tuesdays... and also July.
Janet: And sometimes it's never.
While time on Earth moves in a straight line-- one thing happens, then the next, then the next, time in the afterlife moves in a "Jeremy Bearimy."
I still can't believe she wants to marry me. A dumb old pediatric surgeon who barely has an 8-pack.
Well, I'm sure you're busy, you probably wouldn't want to talk to me. I get it, I wouldn't either. I'm as dull as a rock. Ugh, even that analogy was boring. I'm sorry, I'm so dull, and I'm ugly. I'm like a rock. Ugh, stupid Larry! Stop talking about rocks!
I enjoy American football. I actually dated a player once. But he wasn't my type so I set him up with my friend Gisele... Bundchen.
I have to watch the Jaguars games at home on my computer at like, 3:00 in the morning on Mondays. It's so annoying. Everything here is in a... I don't know how to describe it. Like, a different zone of time. No, that sounds stupid. A different clock land.
To me, the single most awful sound in the universe is that mangled opening note of your co-worker singing "Happy Birthday."
I just don't think the group thing is for me. I'm better when it's one-one-one and we're both looking at our phones and I don't know the other person and we don't talk.
Simone: Are you alright? You didn't sleep at all last night.
Chidi: I got a solid eight minutes. Not consecutively, but still. It's fine. You're not even that blurry.
The closest thing I could find to herbal tea was a root beer I had them throw in the microwave.
Tahani: Gosh, you're pretty.
Jason: No, you're pretty. Pretty beautiful.
Oh, and you should smile more. You'll get bigger tips.
We can be colleagues. Associates is pushing it. And by even having this conversation, you're becoming my confidante. I can't have that.
Could be fun. I once played a drinking game with Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively at their macrobiotic farm with a particularly robust batch of homemade kombucha.
Hey, El train, you think with all these new Star Wars movies they'll finally make a new Spaceballs?
Humans only live 80 years, and they spend so much of it just waiting for things to be over.
Can I get you started with some drinks? Our specialty cocktail tonight is the Fourth of July. It's half an apple pie blended with Southern Comfort and Coca-Cola, served in a Chevy hubcap.
Awesome! I love being on teams. And if we're on a team now, we need nicknames. Optimus, Bumblebee, Jazz, ugh, Megatron. That's what you can each call me. Now we need nicknames for you guys.
Dick Tracy called back on his watch phone and said you better "watch" out!
Later days, dingus.
Simone: Hopefully, none of you is claustrophobic.
Jason: Clausterphobic? Who would ever be scared of Santa Claus? Oh! The Jewish.
I know this sounds crazy, but I'm starting to think there might be more to life than amateur street dancing competitions.
If my life ended today, what would my legacy be? Sure, I did a wheelie on a dirt bike through an entire Waffle House, and I was once interviewed on the news for finding a foot on the beach, but yo, other than that, I have no truly great accomplishments.
I want you thinking about dance 24/7. That means every day, you think 20 thoughts about dance for seven minutes.
Jason: My life is just kinda messed up right now. I had a really tough year.
Michael: I'm sorry. Want to talk about it? I'm a pretty good listener.
Jason: Well, my year started about a year ago...
Simone and Chidi are good together. I've been running simulations on what their kids will be like. One of them is hot enough to be on "The Bachelor" and smart enough to never go on "The Bachelor."
Eleanor: Uh, yeah, a few. I wrote down "what?", "huh?", and then this doodle of a burrito because when I first read Aristotle I thought it was pronounced like Chipotle. Wait a minute, is it "Chip-o-tottle?"
Whenever anyone tells me a story about their life I always imagine all the people as being super hot. Otherwise, I quickly lose interest. Do you not do that? You can do it for free.
Chidi: There are actual answers here. Data you can observe and learn from.
Simone: Yeah, man. Science is all about getting answers. You philosophers can spend your entire life mulling over a single question. That's why everyone hates moral philosophy professors.
Chidi: I am absolutely paralyzed by decision making and it is destroying my life.
Simone: Yeah, I sort of got that when you couldn't choose a chair to sit on.
Chidi: Well, I didn't want to offend you in case you had a favorite.
Chidi: I grew up in Senegal, so my native language is French. But I went to American schools, so I also speak English. And German and Greek. And Latin, just in case it ever comes back.
Eleanor: Cool. I once got 12 out of 12 on a Buzzfeed quiz called "Do you know all the slang words the Kardashians invented?"
Eleanor: Thank you. I'm going to be honest. I did cheat.
Magazine Reporter: Who would you say is the most famous person in your phone?
Tahani: It's not about who you know. Enlightenment comes from within. The Dalai Lama texted me that.
Okay, I've made my decision. I want to... start crying.
Michael: I got to ride a bike. I put a coin in a thing and got a gumball. And then someone came up to me and said, "hot enough for ya?", and you know what I said? I said, "tell me about it!"
Janet: Well I am glad that you got to chew a gumball.
Michael: Oh, damn. I didn't even think to chew it. Missed opportunity, shoot.
I saw this place that was at once a Pizza Hut and a Taco Bell! I mean, oh! The mind reels! A Pizza Hut and a Taco Bell!
Michael: And what's the significance of the keychain?
The Doorman: Nothing, I just like frogs. I'm a frog guy.
Michael: So, how long's this trip take? I hope I don't get a middle seat.
The Doorman: Wow. I haven't heard a joke in 8,000 years. And I still haven't.
I'm SO ready to learn, it's like my brain is HORNY!
Face it, dude. I'm the best thing that ever happened to you. Because guess what, Chidi? Ya basic!
I missed my mom's back surgery because I had already promised my landlord's nephew that I would help him figure out his new phone.
Michael: I won't let you down.
Shawn: I think you will. I think this entire project of yours is stupid and doomed to fail.
Hold that thought. Is it OK if I go work out? I love working out. I gotta stay jacked. It's who I am.
You know the way you feel when you see a chimpanzee and a baby tiger who have become friends? That's how you're going to feel every day.
I'll miss you too, you sexy skyscraper.
This whole romantic situation is such a mess. I am vexed, Tahani. Vexed.
This is exhausting. I just want to go back to my container of goo and go to sleep.
In my opinion, which is an objective fact in this case and in all cases always and forever, you have all done bad things since you arrived here.
They are not completely innocent. They told me so themselves. They aided and abetted two criminals, one of whom was a DJ.
As concerning Jason Mendoza, I have heard no statements nor seen any evidence to suggest... [looks at paper] oh, he's from Florida? Yeah, he belongs in the Bad Place.
We can do this, but we must remain emotionless. I'm talking Kristen Stewart on a red carpet level of emotionless here, alright?
So, what's up, what's your deal? Are you single? What's going on?
Ooh, I've never had to walk before, this is fun! [Walks a few steps] Now I'm bored. Walking is dumb.
What up, ding dongs?
Jason: Can I ask you a question about where we're going?
Jason: Where are we going? I forgot.
Jason: And to Janet, the best robot.
Janet: Not a robot.
Janet: Not a girl.
Jason: And straight-up hottie.
Janet: I am attractive, yes.
Oh, really? Is it an error to act unpredictably and behave in ways that run counter to how you were programmed to behave?
I refuse to discuss my fifth amendment rights until I concur with your attorney.
Pevita: What can you possibly say to us that will make up for your actions?
Eleanor: Pobody's nerfect?
She's my everything. She makes the bass drop in my heart.
I wasn't a failed DJ. I was pre-successful.
Who else feels that Eleanor has ruined every moment of your existence since you arrived?
We just don't got that skrilla, B. Man, I got ten bucks to my name and I spent eight of it on this burrito and the other two on guac.
Jason: I don't want to lose you, girl.
Janet: I'm not a girl.
I am an expert at mediating conflict. Like when my friends Scary, Sporty, Posh, and Baby had an issue with my other friend Archbishop Desmond Tutu.
Eleanor: What's this show called again?
Tahani: Deirdre and Margaret. It ran for sixteen years on the BBC. They did nearly thirty episodes.
I need to step outside... for some air... and I will not be back for many days.
Right now I'm just a girl, towering over a boy, asking him to admit he loves me.
I don't need the Chidi who once had a panic attack during rock, paper, scissors because there were, and I quote, "just too many variables."
Nobody asked you, Bambadjan.
I was scared, dawg, but then I remembered my parole officer's advice, "keep your mouth shut or they'll throw a book at you."
Anyone up for a a little icebreaker? You know, I once did trust falls with Barry Diller and it was the beginning of a lifelong friendship.
You're supposed to do good things because you're good! Not because you're seeking moral dessert.
Eleanor: The little voice in your head sounds like the old lady from "Downton Abbey?"
Tahani: Oh, yeah, sorry. Maggie Smith is my godmother.
Tahani: What is this place?
Michael: It's just a place. You know, an area or location. It's pretty straightforward.
All trains today are delayed by three hours, just like they are everyday. All passengers, you all suck and you're ugly.
I hate suits. They remind me of court, and going to court, and being my own lawyer against the advice of a judge in court, and getting immediately convicted in court...
I'm telling you, Molotov cocktails work. Anytime I had a problem and I threw a Molotov cocktail, boom! Right away, I had a different problem.
Jason: I don't know, this plan seems complicated.
Eleanor: To be fair, you also once said that about an orange.
Jason: They don't make sense. Apples you eat their clothes, but oranges you don't? Forget this plan.
I hope we same place again very now.
[to Jason] You don't seem like a ... super genius.
Michael: She was feeling a little lost so I gave her a self-help book to restore her confidence.
Janet: Now I'm living my truth and creating my bliss.
It's turns out the best Janet was the Janet that was inside Janet all along.
[Tahani gives Eleanor a hug] Ugh, of course your hugs are amazing.
Chidi: Aren't there some parts worth salvaging?
Michael: Honestly, man, I don't even know. I mean that thing is unreadable. I literally learned what headaches were because that thing gave me a headache.
Chidi: This equipment is very scary!
Janet: Don't be a baby. It can't hurt you. Watch, I'll blowtorch your face off.
Janet: Whatever. This whole thing is stupid.
Fun fact, Janet is me.
Michael: Sorry about this. I steered her away from colloquialisms and into "fun facts" and "trivia tidbits." I thought it'd be more in her wheelhouse.
Janet: Fun fact, a "wheelhouse" is a part of a boat.
Michael: You know, get out of your comfort zone. Become a trail blazer.
Janet: Fun fact, all deceased members of the Portland Trail Blazers basketball team are also in The Bad Place.
I also dabbled in some other professions. I was a model, a museum curator, an "It Girl," and... oh, I was Baz Luhrmann's muse for a while. That was quite fun.
Chidi: I'll see you guys tomorrow.
Janet: Not if I see you first! Where's the beef? Hump day.
Eleanor: Oh, so now I'm supposed to be nice and make friends and treat her with mutual respect?
Eleanor: That's exactly what she wants me to do, Chidi, wake up!
Chidi: That's what everyone wants everyone to do.
Your friend sounds like she's one pickle short of a pickle party.
It's actually not hot sauce. It's envy. It's really good on Mexican food. It gives it a little kick.
You are very lucky that I cannot send you to The Bad Idea Place because that one is a stanker!
[To a burrito she assumes is the judge] We've traveled a long distance to see you, O Great One.
Michael: There's also an IHOP.
Jason: Oh! I'm gonna order the Rooty Tooty Fresh 'N Fruity!
Michael: No, sorry. In this realm, IHOP stands for "Interdimensional Hole of Pancakes". You don't really eat these pancakes. It's more like they eat you.
Jason: Okay. I'll get eggs, then.
We gave it our best shot, guys. I say we go through the portal, get a good night's sleep, come back fresh in the morning. Try it again.
You know, I thought I'd have a stomachache right now, but weirdly... I do.
Judge Gen: Jason, your test was about impulse control, and you showed great improvements, but you never asked if you could opt not to play. I mean, you basically told me, an all-knowing judge, to just shut up and go away. Do you realize how insane that is?
Jason: Not as insane as picking off the greatest quarterback of all time, Black Bortles, to set up a last second game-winning field goal.
We've been through every argument. Contractualist, Kantian, "What Would Superman do?", "What Would Rihanna Do?" Are we missing anything? Hit me right now with your most obscure, boring-est, old white dude with a long wizard beard mumbo-jumbo.
Goodbye, Michael. We will leave you with one of Bad Janet's classic farts. The smell will linger for 10 million years.
Shawn: So, I'm just gonna throw you in this unmarked room - for the rest of eternity. And since it seems you love humans so much, I'll torture you like one. All you'll have for entertainment is that giant stack of "New Yorker" magazines.
Michael: Oh, come on. You and I both know I'll never read those.
Shawn: Of course you won't. But they'll just keep coming.
Quvenzhané Wallis and Stephen Hawking in the same room discussing me? Guess they must've made up.
Okay, so what do we do?
Oh no, that was your moral quandary grimace, which is different from your gas pain grimace. And different from your someone said "from whence it came" instead of "whence it came" grimace.
Eleanor: All those ethics lessons paid off. Whoever said philosophy was stupid?
Chidi: You did, many times, as recently as this morning.
Michael: Shawn, this is not fair.
Shawn: Fair is the stupidest word humans ever invented, except for staycation.
Shawn: So, just to be clear, you actually rebooted them over 800 times, and all of these reports of their torture are completely fake?
Michael: Yes, but frankly, this is on you. A lot of those details I just took directly from Stephen King novels and episodes of "Pretty Little Liars".
My name is super boring. Gen. It's just short for hydrogen, which was the only thing that was in existence at the time that I was born.
Eleanor: Can we be tested together as a group?
Jason: Yeah, we all need to be able to cheat off Chidi. Oh, that's why your name is Chidi. I get it now.
In the words of one of my actual friends, "Ya basic". It's a human insult. It's devastating. You're devastated right now.
So, it's either this or start "Bloodline," and I don't know, I just don't feel like I can see Kyle Chandler as anyone else but Coach Taylor.
I've been binging Ken Burns's "Vietnam" recently. It's okay. I mean, I'm immortal, but that thing is long.
Janet: Conjure an image that brings you pure joy. Some people think of their wedding day, or favorite vacation spot.
Eleanor: [concentrating hard] People puking on roller coasters... people puking on roller coasters...
You know, sometimes a flaw can make something even more beautiful. Like with Cindy Crawford and how short she is.
Eleanor: I bet you don't know anything about me.
Chidi: You were born in Phoenix. You went to school in Tempe. You're an only child. Your favorite show is something called "The Real Housewives of Atlanta" and your favorite "book" is Kendall Jenner's Instagram feed.
Eleanor: How did you know all that?
Chidi: Because you are constantly talking about yourself. You are the most self-obsessed person I have ever met.
Eleanor: You should see Kendall Jenner's Instagram feed.
Chidi: I prefer to take my time with things.
Michael: Yes, I know. You never even named your dog, did you? When it ran away, you posted signs saying "responds to long pauses".
Chidi: Exploring makes me nervous. I have what doctors call "directional insanity." I once got lost on an escalator. So not exactly Christopher Columbus.
Janet: Fun fact! Columbus is in the Bad Place because of all the raping, slave trade, and genocide!
You know, I haven't been this upset since my good friend Taylor was rudely upstaged by my other friend, Kanye, who was defending my best friend, Beyoncé.
Michael: Did you ever take off your shoes and socks on a commercial airline?
Eleanor: And socks? Ew, who would do that?
Michael: People who go to the Bad Place, Eleanor, that's the point. And unless I can figure out a compelling reason to keep you here, you will spend eternity with murderers, and arsonists, and people who take off their shoes and socks on commercial airlines.
This is the 3:18 to the Bad Place, making thousands of stops for literally no reason. Now, you'll notice it's very hot in here, and it will get one degree hotter every time you think about how hot it is. Oops! You just thought about it.
All I've really ever wanted was to know what it feels like to be human. And now we're going to do the must human thing of all: attempt something futile with a ton of unearned confidence and fail spectacularly!
What do you guys think The Bad Place is gonna be for you? I'll probably go to a Skrillex concert and I'll be waiting for the bass drop, and it... it'll never come.
Long story short, it was all a dream.
Eleanor: I'm not mad, I'm just disappointed.
Michael: Oh, come on. Everyone knows that's worse.
You humans have so many emotions. You only need two: anger and confusion!
Janet: In case you were wondering, I am, by definition, the best version of myself. Because my operating system is always updating.
Eleanor: I'm not sure that's true, Janet. You still haven't talked to Jason about your romantic baggage. And the three of you are in some sort of weird love triangle.
Janet: You don't know what you're talking about. Also, love isn't a triangle. It's a five-dimensional blob, so...
Kissing is gross. You just mash your food holes together. It's not for that.
That Eleanor is a better Eleanor than this one. And that is not easy for me to say. "You're not better than me" was my yearbook quote.
I'm sorry, everyone, I just have some worries as well as some concerns that could potentially turn into outright fears. Ah, there they go, they're fears now.
Jason: So many memories of this place. Eating frozen yogurt and then having diarrhea and then eating more frozen yogurt and then more diarrhea. Maybe I should've realized this isn't The Good Place because of all the diarrhea.
Chidi: Maybe you shouldn't be eating all that frozen yogurt right now.
Michael: Now, getting to the Good Place is pretty tricky. There's no train to catch. I have to design a complicated, unique transportation vehicle.
Jason: Is it Optimus Prime?
Jason: I can't believe we get to ride a real-life Optimus Prime. I call right nipple. That's shotgun on Optimus Prime.
How did they get Janet's bracelets off? It's literally impossible for a human to do. It's like breathing underwater or driving without texting.
That roast was the meanest thing I've ever seen and I once saw a waiter bring Russell Crowe the wrong tea.
Michael: Oh, Chidi, Sorry, I got a joke for you, bud. Uh, knock, knock.
Chidi: Who's there?
Michael: You died alone because you couldn't commit to anyone.
Jason: You died alone because you couldn't commit to anyone who?
Eleanor and I have a lot in common. Now here's how you can tell us apart: one of us is a manipulative demon who's an expert at making other people miserable, and then the other one is me!
Michael: Jason, buddy. All you had to do was to keep quiet, but you couldn't stop talking about Kendall Jenner or that dumb quarterback, what was his name, Derek Bortles? Always ranting about Derek Bortles. Lucky for you my friend, Jaguars games are the only ones televised in the Bad Place because they suuuck!
Jason: No they don't! All we need is a defense and an offense and some rule changes.
Jason: I never thought I'd be the one to say it, but this is getting out of hand. I think we gotta go to the cops.
Eleanor: What cops? Where do you think we are?
I know it sounds crazy. But if it weren't crazy, they wouldn't call it a leap of faith. They would call it a sit of doubting.
I should have seen this coming. No one can ever truly turn over a new leaf. Sure, Ben Affleck told me he'd matured as an artist after he directed Argo, but then, right on schedule, it was "Guess what, Tahani! I'm going to be Batman!".
I can't believe Michael betrayed us again. Why is it always the ones you most expect?
Eleanor: You guys came to say goodbye because you're my friends.
Tahani: Well, I suppose some part of me possibly has a sense of casual kinship with you, much as one might be fond of a street cat.
So, we'll just roll on out, and you can get back to putting rainbows up your butt or whatever you do here.
I used to take her to the mall sometimes and bought her churro dogs. It's a hot dog, but the bun is two churros. And it's tied together with a Slim Jim. It's an Arizona delicacy.
Eleanor: Listen up, genius. He's going to call you in there in a second.
Jason: Don't worry, I got you. I'll just tell Michael you're the bomb and that you got a dope soul and hella ethics.
Eleanor: Oh, boy. Don't say any of that. Michael has a lie detector in there. It's a glowing cube.
Jason: Like the All-Spark? From Transformers?
You know, one of my shyest friends, I won't say his name to preserve his privacy, but he found my presence so comforting that he asked me to co-host his his TV show, Anderson Cooper 360.
You're a giant chunk of spinach in the teeth of the universe.
Janet: Michael, good news. I was able to obtain Eleanor Shellstrop's file.
Michael: Is it actually a cactus?
Janet: I don't understand.
Michael: I want to see the file for Eleanor Shellstrop. Is that what you have, or do you have a cactus?
Janet: I have the file.
Michael: You're sure? You have the file and not a cactus?
Janet: That is correct. I have Eleanor Shellstrop's file. I do not have a cactus.
Michael: Excellent. Please, give me the file.
Janet: Here you go. [Hands Michael a cactus]
What are you talking about? It is so easy to live with a lie. I once pretended to have a terminal illness to meet Scott Wolf at a Sunglass Hut. Victimless crime.
Tahani: Michael, you mustn't blame yourself.
Michael: I'm not. I blame you.
Chidi: Look, Janet has learned and grown. She's essentially living a life. We can't kill her.
Eleanor: Not with that attitude, we can't. Listen, man. I'm dead, you're dead. We all died, and now we're killing her. Pay it forward.
Chidi: No, that's not what that means at all, Eleanor.
Fun fact... The first Janet had a click wheel.
Eleanor: We're doing one small murder-y thing for a bigger, better reason. The ends justify the means.
Chidi: Do you know who said that?
Eleanor: Was it someone nice and great, like Oprah?
Chidi: It was Machiavelli... a very non-Oprah-like figure. And what happens after we kill her? We'll have to lie to everyone about what we did. And lying is always wrong.
Why do bad things always happen to mediocre people who are lying about their identities?
Tahani: By the way, uh, what's your favorite color for the tablecloths?
Michael: Well, it's not perceptible by human eyes. It's called pleurigloss.
Tahani: Could you describe it?
Michael: It's the color of... when a soldier comes home from war and sees his dog for the first time.
Tahani: How about blue?
Chidi: There's an old Chinese proverb... "Lies are like tigers. They are bad."
Eleanor: That's it?
Chidi: I guess it's more poetic in Mandarin.
Ha! How do you like them ethics? I just ethics'd you in the face, Chidi!
You cannot kill Janet. Killing is one of the most famous moral no-nos.
Buzz off, Bambadjan.
Michael: Janet, what's a food that people think they enjoy but that's also kind of a bummer?
Janet: Frozen yogurt.
I know what you have to do now. Kill me! Sorry, I say everything in a cheery manner, but in this case in may be inappropriate, so I'll try again.
I suppose after 802 reboots I must have gained the ability to lie. That's fun! I want to try to lie again. I love your outfit.
What the? Oh, man. We got robbed! They took the walls, they took the floors, and we were standing here the whole time? These guys are good.
Hi, guys! I'm broken.
Fun fact: mathematically, it's equally likely to either im- or ex-plode.
It makes sense, right? They're good so they're stupid and trusting.
There really is an afterlife. I can't wait to have breakfast with Kant, and lunch with Michel Foucault, and then have dinner with Kant again so we can talk about what came up at breakfast!
I have tickets to Hamilton next week, and there's a rumor that Daveed Diggs is coming back!
Chidi: Where is everyone?
Eleanor: Who knows? Maybe they finally figured out clam chowder is disgusting, 'cause it's basically a savory latte with bugs in it.
Jason: Yo, yo! Homies, check it! There's something messed up with this place. We keep fighting with each other, none of the TVs get the NFL RedZone channel, my soulmate doesn't even know who Blake Bortles is. I know this sounds crazy, but I think we're in the bad place.
Michael: Jason figured it out? Jason? This is a real low point. Yeah, this one hurts.
Michael: I'm an immortal being with abilities you can only dream of.
Eleanor: Yeah, and we're an Arizona dirt bag, a human turtleneck, a narcissistic monster, and literally the dumbest person I've ever met.
Jason: And who am I? Describe me now!
I would say I outdid myself, but I'm always this good. So I simply did myself.
In the words of a very wise Bed, Bath, and Beyond employee I once knew, "Go ahead and cry all you want, but you're gonna have to pay for that toilet plunger."
The point is, you're cool, dope, fresh, and smart-brained. I've never seen you dance, but I bet you're good, 'cause you're good at everything. You're awesome! Be nicer to yourself.
Okay, so that was trolley problem version number seven. Chidi opted to run over five William Shakespeares instead of one Santa Claus.
When I'm really upset, concentrating on a table of contents helps me calm down. It's like a menu, but the food is words.
That's the good news. The bad news is I seem to be losing my ability to sustain object permanence. So it's sort of a glass half full, glass stops existing in time and space kind of deal.
Janet: We are so in sync we're finishing each other's...
I have never been that certain about anything. I once even tried to rent socks. How did I say that that easily?
Eleanor: I hate to be the bearer of bad news...
Jason: Uh, I think you mean Bad News Bear.
I died…in Cleveland?!
Tahani: I belong in The Good Place. The real one with the good people. Who do I speak to about correcting this?
Michael: Me. And you’re wrong.
Tahani: I would like to speak to your manager.
Michael: Yes, there is a potential method of transportation.
Tahani: Is it nice? Is there business class? Can I preboard?
Jason: I’ll tell you what I want to know right now before we go any further. Did the Jacksonville Jaguars win the Super Bowl last year?
Michael: Oh, you’re serious. No.
Jason: Will they every win the Super Bowl?
Michael: Jason, I can’t predict the future. But no, they won’t.
I’m not supposed to be here either. I don't know how I got here, I have no idea what's going on, and I am freakin' out homie! You gotta help me. I'm scared!
Eleanor: First of all, throwing sand is an excellent way to put out a vodka fire.
Chidi: Why would you even know that?!
Tahani: Oh, this is silly. So "Tahani" means "congratulations" in Arabic. And "Al-Jamil" means "beautiful," so my full name all together means-
Eleanor: "Congratulations, Beautiful."
Tahani: Thanks, Eleanor. You big flirt.
She wants everybody to think she's such a perfect princess just 'cause she's tall and glamorous and has cappuccino skin and curves everywhere. And now I'm complimenting her. And kind of turned on. The point is, she straight up sucks, bro.
Jason: Back in Jacksonville, I was in charge of a 60-person dance crew. Whenever we auditioned a new dancer, we would rate them in five categories: dancing ability, coolness, dopeness, freshness, and smart-brained. I would give you an eight in every category.
Tahani: Well, eight isn't bad, I suppose.
Jason: No, no, eight is the best! It was a scale of one to thirteen but eight is highest. The scale went up and then back down like a tent.
Eleanor: Who has four toothbrushes, like Bill Gates or something?
Store Employee: No, that's like, for a family.
Eleanor: Family? Like, a whole family and their toothbrushes all together? Two slots for the parent toothbrushes and two slots for their kids?
Store Employee: Yup.
Eleanor: So the parent toothbrushes can be close to the kid toothbrushes and watch over them and they can all talk about their toothbrush feelings and they can hold their little toothbrush hands when they're sad and make sure no harm ever comes to their little bristles?
Store Employee: Sure.
I can't believe I'm saying this, but I don't think this can be solved with a book.
Okay, bud, whatever's going on right now, just shove your feelings way down deep, plaster on a fake smile, and pretend like you're having fun. Okay? Just like I used to do when someone started talking about their kids.
I think Tahani's just embarrassed I'm not some kind of scientist who forecloses on banks.
Parties are mere distractions from the relentlessness of entropy. We're all just corpses who haven't yet begun to decay.
Searching for meaning is philosophical suicide. How does anyone do anything when you understand the fleeting nature of existence?
Eleanor: I used to think about how it's weird they don't make pants that are just one big pant leg for both your legs.
Chidi: You mean a skirt?
Eleanor: No! You're not getting it and my thing is different so shut up.
Eleanor: Man. Michael is not into your class. Right now I'm the best student. I'm going to be the velociraptor.
Chidi: You trying to say valedictorian?
Well, I've read everything on your syllabus and, how do I put this delicately, it's all stupid garbage.
I have no idea what's going on right now but everyone else is talking and I think I should too!
Chidi: Why even tell us about any real thing? Why not just lie about all of it?
Michael: Lies are always more convincing when they're closer to the truth.
I'm too young to die and too old to eat off the kids menu! What a stupid age I am.
I feel like Friends in Season 8. Out of ideas and forcing Joey and Rachel together, even though it made no sense.
Eleanor: What is it with you and frozen yogurt? Have you not heard of ice cream?
Michael: Oh, sure, but I've come to really like frozen yogurt. There's something so human about taking something great and ruining it a little so you can have more of it.
Well, if I feel sympathy for anyone, it's Tahani. She's going through the same thing I am, but she doesn't know it. Which means maybe I'm obligated to tell her. Although maybe it's better not to know. Is ignorance bliss, or will the painful truth actually be healing...
She's so pretty, like Nala from The Lion King. And she talks so smart, like, um, Nala, from The Lion King.
I've been working on my Western Hemisphere brunch banter. Tell me what you think. "That New Yorker article was interesting." "You haven't seen Hamilton?" "Hey, did you hear about Stephanie?"
Can I be excused? Tahani's doing a brunch party and I want to get there before all the mini-waffles run out.
No, Chidi, I used to do that. Now I do selfless things without even thinking about it.
I was just about to tell an awesome story about a wing-eating contest that I lost, and a barfing contest that I won, but then a hole opened up in the ground.
You broke the world. It's not a compliment!
Tahani, great party. Check it out. Suspenders! So dumb. So much dumber than belts.
Yo, you should listen to me. I came up with hundreds of plans in my life and only one of them got me killed.
Don't mind me. I'm just dropping off my afternoon gloves and picking up my early evening gloves.
Chidi: Do you hear music?
Eleanor: That's not music. That's EDM.
I miss being myself. Myself was the best.
This is my bud-hole! It's just like a hole where me and my buds can hang out.
People love frozen yogurt. I don't know what to tell you.
Are you going to talk? Or just walk around like a nerd trying to get a personal best on his Fitbit?
Tomás: Are you alright, my dear?
Tahani: Yes! It's just that I'm not used to dressing like a plumberess. Is that what you call a female plumber or is a toilet sweep or, or clog wench? In any case, that's how I'm dressed.
Tomás: My darling, you are in the Good Place. Relax. Feel the breeze on your feet. That's why crocs have holes in them!
This is fun. It's a fun party. There's no question about it, this is a fun ... situation. Hey! You guys are here! The fun continues, nay, increases!
Chidi: So, making decisions isn't exactly my strong suit.
Michael: I know that, buddy. You once had a panic attack at a make-your-own sundae bar.
Chidi: There were too many toppings. And very early in the process you had to commit to a chocolate palate or a fruit palate and if you couldn't decide you wound up with kiwi, junior mint, raisin, and it just ruins everybody's night.
It's a rare occurrence, like a double rainbow. Or like someone on the Internet saying, "You know what? You've convinced me I was wrong."
Chidi: No way! Soul mates are real?
Michael: They sure are. Although your soul mate situation is a little unusual.
Chidi: Oh, no! I don't have one, do I? That's fine, I mean, who needs a soul mate, anyway? My soul mate will be ... books!
People are like nature's apps!
Why don't I ever listen to people when they talk about themselves? No, it's annoying, and I'm right not to.
Everyone thinks I'm Taiwanese. I'm Filipino. That's racist. Heaven is so racist.
Well, I've narrowed it down to two possibilities: yes and no.
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