The Office (US)
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A fresh and funny mockumentary-style glimpse into the daily interactions of the eccentric workers at the Dunder Mifflin paper supply company. This fast-paced comedy parodies contemporary American water-cooler culture.
Quotes from The Office (US)
I'm supposed to ask if anyone has seen Uncle Al. He is old, has brown eyes and dementia. His family is very concerned. It's a very serious situation.
Webster's Dictionary defines 'wedding' as 'the fusing of two metals with a hot torch.' Well you know something? I think you guys are two medals. Gold medals.
Why are all these people here? There's too many people on this earth. We need a new plague.
Angela: The man is wearing sandals. I don't need to see Oscar's toes at work! Gross! I mean it looks like he just got off the boat!
Toby: Can't you just not look at his feet?
Angela: Excuse me? Oh. You're so educated aren't you Toby? So trained to deal with a hysterical woman. I don't want to look at his feet! Do your job!
Listen up Flenderson, you're being weak and ineffectual. I'm cowboying this meeting, ok! Here are the new rules, ok? Earth tones only. Also, women are forbidden to wear pants.
I have a very difficult decision to make. It's like last week I was at the video store. Do I rent Devil Wares Prada, again, or do I finally get around to seeing Sophie's Choice? It is what you would call a classic difficult decision.
When held over heat, the invisible ink will reveal that everyone should meet at the warehouse immediately. Do not ask me where I got the invisible ink. Urine. It was urine.
Yes, I am taking Andy hunting after work. Not long ago we were sexual competitors. I used to hate him, hate him, hate him, hate him. I studied him, to figure out why I hated him so much. But that blossomed into a very real friendship, as these things often do.
Phyllis: I never see him drink. I never see him eat.
Stanley: I don't think he even uses the bathroom.
Creed: Oh he does. He does.
Michael Scott: Well you know what Jim, it is not my fault that you bought a house to impress Pam. That is why carnations exist.
Creed: That's not why.
I am just a net, that traps all of your crappy subconscious ideas, and adds a little bit of my own childhood memories and whimzy so--
Put your heart out there like that, it's liable to just turn into this blackened carbon brick where it has barbecue sauce of shame and rage and two hot people with a perfect relationship would not understand that!
You can't let a girl feel good about herself. It will backfire on you. Every compliment has to be backhanded. 'Oh I like your dress, but I'd like it more if you had prettier hair.'
Snip snap! Snip snap! Snip snap! I did. You have no idea the physical toll, that three vasectomies have on a person. And I bought this condo to fill with children.
Michael Scott's Dunder Mifflin Scranton Meredith Palmer Memorial Celebrity Rabies Awareness Pro-am Fun Run Race For The Cure
Michael Scott: I was also hoping to hand the giant cheque to a rabies doctor. How's that going?
Pam Beesly: Not well. A doctor won't come out to collect a cheque for 700 dollars. Or 500 dollars if we go with the giant cheque. And also, there is no such thing as a rabies doctor.
I'm petrified of nipple chafing. One it starts, it's a vicious circle. You have sensitive nipples, they chafe, so they become more sensitive, so they chafe more. It's a tough one. Gotta take precautions.
Pam Beesly: On average, how many hours a day do you spend naked in your office, just ballpark.
Michael Scott: European offices are naked all the time.
Pam Beesly: They're so not.
Michael Scott: Besides my shirttail covered most of it so--
Pam Beesly: I didn't see where it started I saw where it ended.
As a farmer, I know that when an animal is sick, sometimes the right thing to do, is to put it out of its misery. With the electricity we're keeping Meredith alive, we could power a small fan for two days. You tell me what's unethical.
Oh well. If they aren't together now, then they probably never will be. I thought they''d be good together. Like PB & J... Pam Beesly and Jim! What a waste! What. A. Waste.
I've been involved in a number of cults, both as a leader and a follower. You have more fun as a follower. But you make more money as a leader.
Oh I am taking responsibility. And it is up to me, to get rid of the curse, that hit Meredith, with my care. I am not superstitious, but I'm a little 'stitious.
Do I need to be liked? Absolutely not. I like to be liked. I enjoy being liked. I have to be liked. But it's not like this, compulsive, need, to be liked. Like my need to be praised.
Guess what? I have flaws. What are they? Oh I donno, I sing in the shower? Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I'll hit somebody with my car. So sue me-- no, don't sue me. That is opposite the point I'm trying to make.
Oh, you know that line on the top of the shrimp? That's feces.
Why don't I wanna go? Didn't expect to need a reason so let me think here. Um. I don't know any of these people, it's an obligation, I don't think talking paper in my free time (or in my work time,) and, did I use the word pointless?
I have decided that I'm going to be more honest. I'm gonna start telling people what I want, directly. So, look out world, 'cuz 'ol Pamy is gettin' what she wants. And, don't call me Pamy.
Why did the convict have to be a black guy. It is such a stereotype. I just wish that Josh had made a more progressive choice. Like a white guy. Who went to prison for... polluting a black guy's lake.
Jim Halpert: [answers phone] Jim Halpert.
Andy: I am so horny.
Jim Halpert: Okay. I can't help you with that.
Andy: Oh, I think you can, Big Tuna. Tell me about that Indian chick, Kelly. She seems pretty slutty. Good for a romp in the sack.
Jim Halpert: She is dating Ryan, I think.
Andy: Oh, and I care why?
Jim Halpert: She high-maintenance.
Andy: Next. How about... Angela? Blondes are more fun. C'mon trust me on that.
Jim Halpert: Yeah, trust me. That would be fun for no one.
Close your eyes. Picture a convict. What's he wearing? Nothing special. Baseball cap on backward, baggy pants. He says something ordinary like, 'yo that's shizzle'. Okay, now slowly open your eyes again. Who you picturing? A black man? Wrong. That was a white woman. Surprised? Well shame on you.
I didn't hire an ex-convict. Unless they mean Toby. Convicted rapist.
The worst thing about prison was the... was the dementors. They were flying all over the place and they were scary and then they'd come down and they'd suck the soul out of your body. And it hurt!
Pam: Well I just wanna take a minute to talk to you all about something very serious. Once every hour, someone is involved in an internet scam. That man is Michael Scott. He's supporting about twenty Nigerian princesses.
Michael: Hey, you know what? Forgive me for caring.
I have got to make sure that YouTube comes down to tape this.
There was a terrible war, ugh, so many died. Far too many died. But if Frodo hadn't destroyed the ring, then goodness itself might have died.
Toby: We should really have the office's air quality tested. We have radon coming from below. We have asbestos in the ceilings. These are silent killers.
Michael: You are the silent killer. Go back to the annex.
Toby: You'll see.
That seems awfully mean. But sometimes the ends justify the mean.
Did you know that in Morocco, it is common to exchange a small gift when meeting somebody for the first time? In Japan, you must always commit suicide to avoid embarrassment. In Italy, you must always wash your hands after going to the bathroom. This is considered to be polite.
Jim: So, as it turns out, I may not have done so hot on my customer reviews this year.
Pam: Maybe it's because you spent the whole year flirting with the receptionist.
Jim: Little bit. Worth it.
If I had to put Dwight's chances into a percentage, I would say he has none percent chance.
Holly thinks that this relationship is over. Well, you know what? I am not going to give up that easy. I am going to make this way harder than it needs to be.
When I discovered YouTube, I didn't work for five days. I did nothing. I watched Cookie Monster sing Chocolate Rain about a thousand times.
He has not stopped working... for a second. At 12:45, he sneezed, while keeping his eyes open, which I always thought was impossible. At 1:32 he peed. And I know that because he did that in an open soda bottle, under the desk, while filling out expense reports. And on the flip side, I've been so busy watching him that I haven't even started work. It's exhausting, being this vigilant. I'll probably have to go home early today.
Jim: See, you're always saying there's something wrong with society, maybe there's something wrong with you?
Michael: If it's me, then society made me that way.
Andy Bernard does not lose contests. He wins them. Or he quits them. Because they're unfair.
Now a lot of people say that Kelly is one in a million. And that's true, but it's also not true. Because frankly there are literally billions of people just like Kelly in the world.
I wake up every morning in a bed that's too small, drive my daughter to a school that's too expensive, and then I go to work to a job for which I get paid too little... but on pretzel day... well, I like pretzel day...
Michael always says, 'K-I-S-S: keep it simple, stupid.' Great advice. Hurts my feelings every time.
There's such a thing as good grief. Just ask Charlie Brown.
Ryan: A few years ago, my family was on a safari in Africa and my cousin, Mufasa, was um, he was trampled to death by a pack of wildebeests and um, we all took it really hard. All of us kind of in the audience, of what happened.
Michael: Do you wanna talk about it anymore?
Ryan: Oh it would probably take an hour and half to tell that whole story.
When my mother was pregnant with me, they did an ultrasound and found she was having twins, and they did another ultrasound a few weeks later, they discovered that I had resorbed the other fetus. Do I regret this? No. I believe his tissues made me stronger. I now have the strength of a grown man and a little baby.
Jan: How would a movie increase productivity, Michael? How on earth would it do that?
Michael: People work faster after.
Michael: No. They have to, to make up for the time they lost watching the movie.
We didn't play many video games in Scranton. Instead we'd do stuff like.. uh, Pam and I would sometimes hum the same high pitched note and try to get Dwight to make an appointment with an ear doctor. And, uh, Pam called it... Pretendinitis.
Business is like a jungle. And I am like a tiger. And Dwight is like a monkey that stabs the tiger in the back with a stick. Does the tiger fire the monkey? Does the tiger transfer the monkey to another branch? Pun. There is no way of knowing what goes on inside the tiger's head. We don't have the technology.
Michael: Sounds like a good dentist. What's his name?
Dwight: ... Crentist.
Michael: Your dentist's name is Crentist?
Michael: Hah, sounds a lot like dentist.
Dwight: Maybe that's why he became a dentist.
Jan: Well, Michael, I guess I underestimated you.
Michael: Well, Jan, maybe next time you should estimate me!
Big Tuna is a super ambitious guy, you know? Cut-your-throat-to-get-ahead type of guy. But, I mean, I'm not threatened by him. I went to Cornell. Ever heard of it? I graduated in four years, I never studied once, I was drunk the whole time, and I sang in the a capella group, 'Here Comes Treble'.
You know what? I am declaring a moment of silence. Right now. Ten minutes of silence honoring Michael Jackson. Just sit there and think about Michael Jackson.
It's not been a blockbuster year for me financially. My Blockbuster stock is down.
Michael: My mind is going a mile an hour.
Pam: That fast?
I begged Dwight and Jim to give me Erin for Secret Santa. And I decided to give Erin the twelve days of Christmas. Is it my fault the first eight days are basically thirty birds?
Hello. Sorry guys. I'm not sure if I've earned the right to make announcements yet, but whoever is giving me the twelve days of Christmas as my secret Santa? Please stop. I can't take it anymore. My cat killed a turtle dove, the French hens have started pulling out my hair to make a nest. Please stop.
Five minutes ahead of schedule... Right on schedule.
I'm not a millionaire. I thought I would be by the time I was thirty, but I wasn't even close. Then I thought maybe by forty, but by forty I had less money than I did when I was thirty.
Ryan: Do you love her, or do you love the idea of her.
Creed: I don't know man. I just don't know.
I've always been the guy who can rally other people to rebel. In high school, I organized a walk out over standardized testing. Got over 500 students to just skip the SATs. At the last second I chickened out, took it anyway got a twelve twenty. Always regretted it... I feel lachrymose.
The Dunder Mifflin stock symbol is D.M.I. Do you know what that stands for? Dummies, Morons, and Idiots. Because that's what you'd have to be to own it. And as one of those idiots, I believe the board owes me answers.
Dwight: Michael, what is the meaning of this email that everyone got?
Michael: You'll have to be more specific, Dwight. I get like eight emails a day.
I'm a little worried that I may have asked out Naughty Nelly instead of Erin. Which would be whole lot less appealing, because Naughty Nelly says yes to everyone. And she might be a murderer.
Can't a guy just buy some bagels for his friends so they'll owe him a favor which he can use to get someone fired who stole a co-manager position from him anymore? Jeez. When did everyone get soo cynical?
You give me a gift? Bam! Thank You note. You invite me somewhere? Pow! RSVP. You do me a favor? Wham! Favor returned. Do not test my politeness.
I saw my entire life flash before my eyes. And guess what? I have four kids. And I have a hover car and a hover house. And my wife is a runner and it shows. And Pam and Jim are my best friends and our kids play together. And... I'm happy and I'm rich and I never die. That doesn't sound like much, but it's enough for me.
Oh so Dwight gave me this wooden mallard as a gift. I found a recording device in it. Yes. So. I think if I play it just right, I can get Dwight to live out the plot of National Treasure.
You know, I really would've appreciated a heads up that you were into dating mothers. I would've introduced you to mine.
Michael: Erin, you're supposed to be the gatekeeper, do you have any idea how valuable my time is.
Erin: In your schedule it just says nine 'till noon is creative space. I thought this could be a part of it.
Michael: Do you know how creative space works? Ok why don't you just cancel my afternoon.
Erin: You don't have anything in the afternoon it just says free plate.
Michael: Push free plate 'till tomorrow morning.
Michael Scott: I will have the spaghetti. With a side salad.
Michael Scott: If the salad is on top, I send it back.
Toby: Hey Michael, I have an extra twin bed if you want.
Michael: You are going to be sleeping by yourself for the rest of your life so you should just get used to it.
Jim is like... Big Bird. He is tall and yellow and very nice. But would I put him in charge? No. I don't think so. Big Bird doesn't make the tough decisions. If I was gonna put someone in charge I would put Bert in charge. Or I would put one of the real grown-ups in charge like Marie or Gordon, maybe.
Dwight: Seasick? Captain Jack says to watch the moon.
Michael: Captain Jack's a fart face.
Michael: Try not to be such an idiot.
Dwight: Is that an insult or is that part of the public speaking advice?
Jim: Dwight, if you could travel anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Dwight: I can travel anywhere, except Cuba, and I will travel to New Zealand and walk the Lord of the Rings trail to Mordor and I will hike Mount Doom.
When I was in the 6th grade I was a finalist in our school spelling bee. It was me against Raj Patel. I mispelled, in front of the entire school, the word 'failure.'
Thank you very much sir! You are a gentleman and a scholar. ...Oh. I'm sorry. Okay. I'm sorry. My mistake. ...That was a woman I was talking to. She has a very low voice. Probably a smoker.
Am I going to tell them? No, I don't see the point of that. As a doctor, you would not tell a patient if they had cancer.
[referring to Dwight] God, this is so sad, this is the smallest amount of power I've ever seen go to someone's head.
Phyllis: I could cheerlead.
Michael: Eww. That's worse than you playing.
I do read Small Businessman. I also subscribe to USA Today and American Way magazine. That's the in-flight magazine. Some great articles in that. They did this great profile last month of Doris Roberts and where she likes to eat when she's in Phoenix. Illuminating.
It was nice to meet some of you!
Michael: No! Don't throw that away! That's my Drakkar Noir.
Ryan: No, this says 'Rite Aid Nite Swept.'
Michael: It's a perfect smell-alike. I'm not playing for the label.
You hear stories about Dunder Mifflin in the 80s, before everybody knew how bad cocaine was. Gyah... man, did they move paper!
I live by one rule: No office romances, no way. Very messy, inappropriate... no. But, I live by another rule: Just do it... Nike.
I'm guessing Angela is the one in the neighborhood that gives the trick-or-treaters toothbrushes. Pennies. Walnuts.
Would I ever leave this company? Look, I'm all about loyalty. In fact, I feel like part of what I'm being paid for here is my loyalty. But if there were somewhere else that valued loyalty more highly, I'm going wherever they value loyalty the most.
Yeah I went hunting once. Shot a deer in the leg. Had to kill it with a shovel. Took about an hour. Why do you ask?
Michael: How long have you known about the pregnancy? A week? A month? A year?
Jim: Michael, we only told our parents last week.
Michael: Did you pee on a stick?
Jim: I did. It was inconclusive.
Michael: You should've told me.
Pam: You're right. We should have realized that you are an equal part in this.
Robert California: Last week an accounting mistake resulted in a client getting their order for free.
Andy: Ooh. That's not good. Chalk that one up to Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumb out there.
Robert California: Who're they?
Andy: They're both Kevin.
It was a pretty disappointing day. It was kind of a slap in the face, to realize that I wasn't as important as I thought I was to a certain young executive. Who I had cared about. But you know, I'm not going to cry about it. I did that on the way home.
Kelly: You are so mean.
Ryan: I don't know what you're talking about.
Kelly: Yes you do, Ryan Bailey Howard. You called me stupid.
Ryan: No I said your idea is stupid.
Kelly: What is so stupid about wanting to name a baby Usher? Usher Jennifer Hudson Kapoor.
Ryan: Don't you see why that's insane?
Kelly: Oh, so I'm crazy now?
I'm going to cut right to the chase here. Do you like magic? Because I am a genie in a bottle and I am going to grant you three wishes. To move to Scranton, to have a great job, and to be my best friend.
Guys, I'm starting to think Pam's not even pregnant.
No, don't call me a hero. Do you know who the real heroes are? The guys, who wake up every morning, and go into their normal jobs, and get a distress call from the commissioner, and take off their glasses and change into capes and fly around fighting crime. Those are the real heroes.
Oscar: I wonder how many phone calls you're missing while you're teaching us to answer calls.
Kelly: I know, right? Probably a lot.
I suppose summer had to end sometime. It's sad though, because I had a great summer. I got West Nile virus, lost a ton of weight. Then I went back to the lake. I stepped on a piece of glass in the parking lot, which hurt. That got infected, even though I peed on it. Saw Inception. Or at least I dreamt I did.
Jim: Last night on Trading Spouses, there's...have you seen it?
Pam: No. I have a life.
Jim: Interesting, what's that like?
Pam: You should try it sometime.
Jim: Wow. But then who would watch my TV?
You may look around and see two groups here: white collar and blue collar. But I don't see it that way. You know why not? Because I'm collarblind.
Phyllis: Ow! My ankle!
Dwight: What happened?
Phyllis: I... twisted it.
Dwight: You weren't even moving.
[Phyllis walks off the volleyball court]
No, no Pam. Let 'em ring. Let the bells of Dunder Mifflin chime out your love. Because this is really good. This is really good. My heart soars, with the eagle's nest.
Michael: Ladies and gentleman, I have some bad news. Meredith was hit by a car.
Michael: It happened this morning in the parking lot. I took her to the hospital. And the doctors tried to save her, life, they did the best they could. And she is going to be OK.
Stanley: What is wrong with you? Why would you have to phrase is like that?
The weird thing is now I'm exactly where I want to be. I've got my dream job at Cornell, and I'm still just thinking about my old pals. Only now they're the ones I made here. I wish there was a way to know you're in "the good old days", before you've actually left them. Someone should write a song about that.
The more I hear about all this a capella drama, the more I think it's kind of pathetic. But when you're with someone, you put up with the stuff that makes you lose respect for them, and that is love.
Seems like the better title I have, the stupider my job gets.
Schrute Farms is very easy to find. It's right in the middle of the root vegetable district. If the soil starts to get acidic, you've gone too far.
I've never been lucky. And I'm not talkin' about the lottery, I'm talkin' about stuff like developing a soy allergy at thirty-five. Who gets a soy allergy at thirty-five? And why is soy in everything?
I decided to stay home, eat a bunch of tacos in my basement. Now my basement smells like tacos. You can't air out a basement. And taco air is heavy. It settles at the lowest point.
Kelly: Well, I manage my department, and I've been doing that for several years now. And, God, I've learned a lot of life lessons along the way.
Jim: Your department's just you, right?
Kelly: Yes, Jim, but I am not easy to manage.
Jim: So this is my life. Until I win the lottery. Or Pam finally writes that series of young adult books.
Pam: So one afternoon, while walking home from school, quirky 10th grader Becky Walters finds a wounded Pegasus in the woods. And she becomes...The Horse Flyer.
Jim: Well this isn't my best, but call Froggy 101, say that we're the tour manager for Justin Bieber, and we're giving away free tickets. We give him a number to call for the tickets and it's his own number.
Dwight: Who is Justice Beaver?
Jim: ...He's a crime fighting beaver.
I have very little patience for stupidity.
I am a huge Woody Allen fan, although I've only seen Antz. But I'll tell you something. What I respect most about that man is that when was going through that stuff from the press that said Antz was basically a rip-off of Bug's Life, he stood true to his films, or at least the one I saw, which again is Antz. The thing is, I thought Bug's Life was better. Much better than Antz. Point is, don't listen to your critics. Listen to your fans.
Holly and I are like Romeo and Juliet, and the office is like the dragon that kept them apart.
Holly is ruining Michael's life. He thinks she is so special and she's so not. Her personality is like a 3. Her sense of humor is a 2. Her ears are like a 7 and a 4. Add it all up and what do you get? 16. And he treats her like she's a perfect 40. It's nuts.
I have been trying to get on jury duty every single year since I was 18-years old. To get to sit in an air conditioned room, downtown, judging people while my lunch was paid for? That is the life!
If you break that girl's heart, I will kill you. It's just a figure of speech. But seriously, if you break that girl's heart, I will literally kill you and your entire family.
Andy: Why does Erin like Gabe?
Darryl: Andy, look, all I know is that if I was a girl, and I had to choose between the tall dude who loved Asia, and the you looking dude who loves sweaters and wearing sweaters...I'd choose you.
Andy: That's really nice. Thank you.
Darryl: And I'd blow your mind.
All that singing got in the way of some perfectly good murders.
Women cannot resist a man singing show tunes. It's so powerful, even a lot of men can't resist a man singing show tunes.
I'm glad Michael's getting help. He has a lot of issues, and he's stupid.
Having Luke here is a pretty big deal for me, because his mother - who also happens to be my half-sister - kind of cut me off from that side of the family 15 years ago...14. The last time I saw Luke was the opening day of "Ace Ventura II" and that was '95, so yes, 15 years on the dot. Anyway, I lost him in a forest.
I always knew I would be destroyed by my own creation, but honestly I thought it would be that bull that Mose and I are trying to reanimate.
Dwight: I bet you get pulled over by the cops a lot because of your race.
Kelly: Well they say it's because of texting, but maybe you're right.
You know what, I resent the implication that I would keep that secret. Everyone here knows that I can't and won't keep a secret.
And then my last job was at a Taco Bell Express. But then it became a full-time Taco Bell and... I don't know. I couldn't keep up.
They say that no man is an island. False! I am an island and this island is volcanic. And it is about to erupt. With the molten hot lava of strategy!
Erin: Did you grow up around here?
Erin: So, you must have grown up around somewhere else?
Can't a guy just buy some bagels for his friends so they'll owe him a favor which he can use to get someone fired who stole a co-manager position from him anymore? Geez. When did everyone get so cynical?
Jim is my enemy, but it turns out that Jim is also his own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So Jim is actually my friend. But, because he is his own worst enemy, the enemy of my friend is my enemy. So actually, Jim is my enemy. But—
Look, it doesn't take a genius to know that every organization thrives when it has two leaders. Go ahead, name a country that doesn't have two presidents. A boat that sets sail without two captains. Where would Catholicism be without the popes?
This remedy has been passed down in my family for generations and it always works. My grandfather was told that Diamond Dancer would never race again. They were wrong. He came in ninth in the Apple Creek Derby. And his jerky came in third the following year. A majestic beast. So fast...so tender.
When a child gets behind the wheel of a car and runs into a tree, you don't blame the child; he didn't know any better. You blame the 30-year-old woman who got in the passenger seat and said, "Drive, kid; I trust you."
I know a few things about love. Horrible, terrible, awful, awful things.
Are you trying to hurt my feelings? Because if so, you are succeeding. Fortunately, my feelings regenerate at twice the speed of a normal man's.
Sometimes I'll start a sentence and I don't even know where it's going. I just hope I find it along the way. Like an improv conversation. An improversation.
As it turns out, you can't just check someone into rehab against their will. They have to do it voluntarily. They have to hit rock bottom. So I think I know what I need to do at this point. I need to find ways to push Meredith to the bottom. Um. I think I can do it. I did it with Jan.
I tried to talk to Toby and be his friend, but that is like trying to be friends with an evil snail.
Nobody steals from Creed Bratton and gets away with it. The last person to do this disappeared. His name: Creed Bratton.
Kelly: Oh, hello Ryan. You look well.
Ryan: I wanted to say I'm sorry... for treating you bad the past couple years. I was in my mid twenties and I was going through a lot of stuff. I think I never fully processed 9/11.
Dwight: Second Life is not a game. It is a multi-user, virtual environment. It doesn't have points or scores. It doesn't have winners or losers.
Jim: Oh, it has losers.
I don't want somebody sucking up to me because they think I am going to help their career. I want them sucking up to me because they genuinely love me.
I miss Dwight. Congratulations, universe. You win.
And where it asks you to state your business he wrote, "Beeswax, Not Yours, Inc."
Michael: Jan? You complete me.
Jan: Oh, God.
I'll be the number-two guy here in Scranton in six weeks. How? Name repetition, personality mirroring, and never breaking off a handshake. I'm always thinking one step ahead. Like a... carpenter... that makes stairs.
When I die, I want to be frozen. And if they have to freeze me in pieces, so be it. I will wake up stronger than ever, because I will have used that time to figure out exactly why I died. And what moves I could have used to defend myself better now that I know what hold he had me in.
Yeah, I'm not a temp anymore. I got Jim's old job. Which means at my ten year high school reunion, it will not say "Ryan Howard is a temp". It will say "Ryan Howard is a junior sales associate at a mid-range paper supply firm"... That'll show 'em.
Michael: This is Creed, and he is in charge of... something... right?
Creed: That is correct.
Last week I would've given a kidney to anyone in this office. I would've reached right into my stomach and pulled it out for them, but now, no. I don't have the relationship with these people that I thought I did. I hope they ask so they can hear me say, "Uhh... no, I only give my organs to my real friends. Go get yourself a monkey kidney."
If I had to, I could clean out my desk in five seconds, and nobody would ever know that I'd ever been here. And I'd forget, too.
I enjoy having breakfast in bed. I like waking up to the smell of bacon- sue me- and since I don't have a butler, I have to do it myself. So most nights before I go to bed I will lay six strips of bacon out on my George Foreman Grill. Then I go to sleep. When I wake up, I plug in the grill. I go back to sleep again. Then I wake up to the smell of crackling bacon. It is delicious. It's good for me. It's the perfect way to start the day. Today I got up, I stepped onto the grill and it clamped down on my foot. That's it. I don't see what's so hard to believe about that.
My roommate wants to meet everybody. Because I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm making Dwight up. He is very real.
[on the phone] I don't understand... you want to see other people? ...Only other people?
I did not go to business school. You know who else didn't go to business school? LeBron James, Tracy McGrady, Kobe Bryant. They went right from high school to the NBA, so…so it's not the same thing. At all.
Yes, I was the first one out. And yes, I’ve heard "women and children first". But, we do not employ children. We are not a sweatshop, thankfully. And women are equal in the workplace by law. So if I let them out first, I have a lawsuit on my hands.
I just, I fell in love with these kids. And I didn't want to see them fall victim to the system. So I made 'em a promise: I told them if they graduated from high school, I would pay for their college education. I have made some empty promises in my life, but hands down that was the most generous.
This is "parkour", the internet sensation of 2004. It was in one of the Bond films. It's pretty impressive. The point is to get from point A to point B as creatively as possible, so technically they are doing parkour as long as point A is delusion and point B is the hospital.
Michael's like a movie on a plane. You know it's not great, but it's something to watch. And then when it's over, you're like, how much time is left on this flight? You know, now what?
I can tell Michael's mood by which comedy routine he chooses to do. The more infantile, the more upset he is. And he just skipped the Ace Ventura talking butt thing. He never skips it. This is bad.
Oh I don't think it's blackmail. Angela just does what I ask her to do so I won't tell everyone that she's cheating on Andy with Dwight. I think for it to be blackmail, it would have to be a formal letter.
Michael: Why don't you explain this to me like I'm five.
Oscar: Your mommy and daddy give you ten dollars to open up a lemonade stand. So you go out and you buy cups and you buy lemons and you buy sugar. And now you find out that it only costs you nine dollars.
Oscar: So you have an extra dollar.
Oscar: So you can give that dollar back to mommy and daddy, but guess what? Next summer...
Michael: I'll be six.
I do not like pregnant women in my workspace. They always complain. I have varicose veins, too. I have swollen ankles. I'm constantly hungry. Do you think my nipples don't get sore, too? Do you think I don't need to know the fastest way to the hospital?
Well, this is what happened. Uh, Ryan's big project was the website. Which wasn't doing so well. So Ryan, to give the impression of sales, recorded them twice. Once as offices and once in the website sales, which is what we refer to in the business as misleading the shareholders. Another good term is fraud. The real crime, I think, was the beard.
Hazing is a fun way to show a new employee that she is not welcome or liked.
Today, I am meeting a potential client on the golf course because Ryan put me on probation. You remember Ryan: he was the temp here. Yeah and, uh, it is not a good time for me to lose my job since I have some pretty big long-term plans in my personal life with Pam that I'd like her parents to be psyched about. So, I am about to do something very bold in this job that I've never done before: try.
It's like I used to tell my wife: I do not apologize unless I think I'm wrong. And if you don't like it you can leave. And I say the same thing to my current wife and I'll say it to my next one, too.
Friends joke with one another. Hey you're poor. Hey, your mama's dead. That's what friends do.
Ryan: Do you have a question, Kelly?
Kelly: Yeah, I have a lot of questions. Number one: how dare you?
I did this for the little guy. For Joe Six-pack. The guy who wakes up every morning in his $400 a month apartment, wonders how he's going to pay his mortgage; wonders how he's going to fill his car up with oil; wonders "How am I going to pay my kids' orphanage bills?" That guy shouldn't have to wonder where he's going to park.
What part of "shorn't" don't you understand?
People underestimate Michael. There are plenty of things that he is well above average at. Like ice skating. He is a very good ice skater.
I don't talk trash, I talk smack. They're totally different. Trash talk is hypothetical, like: Your mom is so fat she can eat the internet. But smack talk is happening like right now. Like: You're ugly and I know it for a fact 'cause I got the evidence right there.
As of this morning, we are completely wireless here on Schrute Farms. As soon as I find out where Mose hid all the wires, we'll have that power back on.
Michael: We'll ask PowerPoint.
Oscar: Michael, this is a presentation tool.
Michael: You're a presentation tool!
Oh no, it's bad. It's real bad. It's like eating a hot circle of garbage.
I am not a bad person. When I left Staples, I took some of their leads with me but I never intended to use them. What did I intend to do with them? Who knows. Maybe keep them as a souvenir. Maybe use them.
I just wanna be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.
Hey, brah. I've been meaning to ask you. Can we get some Red Bull for these things? Sometimes a guy's gotta ride the bull, am I right? Later, skater.
I just want to lie on the beach and eat hot dogs. That's all I've ever wanted.
Sometimes the clothes at Gap Kids are just too flashy. So, I'm forced to go to the American Girl store and order clothes for large colonial dolls
I saved a life: my own. Am I a hero? I really can’t say... but, yes.
Dwight, you ignorant slut!
It was a weird day. I accidentally cross-dressed.
Michael: No need for consternation. Everything is under control.
Jan: Michael, last Friday one of your employees attacked another employee in your office!
Michael: It was a crime of passion, Jan. Not a disgruntled employee. Everyone here is extremely gruntled.
Whenever I'm about to do something, I think, "Would an idiot do that?" And if they would, I do not do that thing.
I saw "Wedding Crashers" accidentally. I bought a ticket for "Grizzly Man" and went into the wrong theater. After an hour, I figured I was in the wrong theater, but I kept waiting. Cause that’s the thing about bear attacks... they come when you least expect it.
I don't care what Jim says, that is not the real Ben Franklin. I am 99% sure.
I don't want somebody sucking up to me because they think I am going to help their career. I want them sucking up to me because they genuinely love me.
Fool me once, strike one. Fool me twice... strike three.
I miss the days when there was only one party I didn’t want to go to.
I don't want to blame anyone in particular. I think everyone's to blame.
It is an outrage, that's all. They're making a huge, huge mistake. Let's see Josh replace these people. Let's see Josh find another Stanley. You think Stanleys grow on trees? Well, they don't. There is no Stanley tree. Do you think the world is crawling with Phyllises? Show me that farm. With Phyllises and Kevins sprouting up all over the place, ripe for the plucking. Show me that farm.
Jim: I don't have a lot of contact with the Scranton branch, but before I left I took a box of Dwight's stationary. So from time to time, I send Dwight faxes... from himself... from the future.
Dwight: [reading fax] "Dwight, at 8:00 AM today someone poisons the coffee. Do not drink the coffee. More instructions to follow. Cordially, future Dwight." [seeing Stanley with coffee] NOOOOOOO! [knocks coffee out of Stanley's hand] You'll thank me later.
I lost Ed Truck... and it feels like somebody took my heart and dropped it into a bucket of boiling tears... and at the same time, somebody else is hitting my soul in the crotch with a frozen sledgehammer... and then a third guy walks in and starts punching me in the grief bone... and I'm crying, and nobody can hear me, because I'm terribly, terribly... terribly alone.
I love inside jokes. I'd love to be a part of one someday.
I taught Mike some, uh, some phrases to help with his interracial conversation. You know, stuff like, "fleece it out," "going mach 5," "dinkin' flicka." You know, things us Negroes say.
Security in this office park is a joke. Last year I came to work with my spud-gun in a duffle bag. I sat at my desk all day with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I was deranged?
Last week, Dwight found half a joint in the parking lot. And as it turns out, Dwight finding drugs is more dangerous than most people using drugs.
Toby: Didn't you lose a lot of money on that other investment, the one from that e-mail?
Michael: You know what, Toby? When the son of the deposed King of Nigeria e-mails you directly asking for help, you help. His father ran the freaking country, okay?
Why tip someone for a job I'm capable of doing myself? I can deliver food. I can drive a taxi. I can, and do, cut my own hair. I did, however, tip my urologist, because I am unable to pulverize my own kidney stones.
Women are like wolves. If you want a wolf, you have to trap it. Snare it. Then to keep it happy, you have to tame it. Feed it, care for it. Lovingly. The way an animal deserves to be loved. And my animal deserves a lot of loving.
I swore to myself that if I ever got to walk around the room as manager, people would laugh when they saw me coming and would applaud as I walked away.
Stupid corporate wet blankets. Like booze ever killed anyone.
I actually look forward to performance reviews. I did the youth beauty pageant circuit, and I enjoyed that quite a bit. I really enjoy being judged. I believe I hold up very well to even severe scrutiny.
I come from a long line of fighters. My maternal grandfather was the toughest guy I ever knew. World War Two veteran. Killed twenty men then spent the rest of the war in an Allied prison camp. My father... battled blood pressure and obesity all his life. Different kind of fight.
I have been Michael’s number two guy for about 5 years, and we make a great team. We’re like one of those classic famous teams. He’s like Mozart and I’m like... Mozart's friend. No. I’m like Butch Cassidy and Michael is like... Mozart. You try and hurt Mozart, you’re gonna get a bullet in the head, courtesy of Butch Cassidy.
Toby is in HR, which technically means he works for corporate, so he's not really a part of our family. Also, he's divorced, so he's really not a part of his family.
You know what they say about a car wreck, where it's so awful you can't look away? The Dundies are like a car wreck that you want to look away from but you have to stare at it because your boss is making you.
The purse girl hits everything on my checklist: creamy skin, straight teeth, curly hair, amazing breasts. Not for me, for my children. The Schrutes produce very thirsty babies.
Oscar: I can play basketball if you need any help.
Michael: I will use your talents come baseball season, my friend. Or if we ever decide to box.
Dwight: Do you want to form an alliance with me?
Jim: Absolutely I do.
I'm a deer hunter; I go all the time with my dad. One thing about deer? They have very good vision. One thing about me? I'm better at hiding than they are at vision.
This was tough. I suggested we flip a coin, but Angela said she doesn't like to gamble. Of course, by saying that, she was gambling that I wouldn't smack her.
Dwight: Someone forged medical information, and that is a felony.
Jim: Okay. Whoa, all right, 'cause that's a pretty intense accusation. How do you know that they're fake?
Dwight: [reading] Uh, "Leprosy. Flesh-eating bacteria. Hot-dog fingers. Government-created killer nanorobot infection."
Stanley: It's collard greens.
Stanley: It's collard greens.
Michael: That doesn't really make any sense. 'Cause you don't call them collard people. That's offensive.
Pam: Based on stereotypes that are completely untrue, you may be a bad driver.
Dwight: Oh, man! Am I a woman?
I am Michael, and I am part English, Irish, German, and Scottish. Sort of a virtual United Nations.
I guess the atmosphere that I've tried to create here is that I'm a friend first and a boss second, and probably an entertainer third.
Downsizing? I have no problem with that. I have been recommending downsizing since I first got here. I even brought it up in my interview. I say, bring it on.
I've been involved in a number of cults, both as a leader and a follower. You have more fun as a follower, but you make more money as a leader.
Michael: Snack time! It’s the witching hour. It is the sandwiching hour.
Phyllis: What kind of sandwiches?
Michael: PB&J. My mom's recipe.
Did I want to be made manager? Sure. A great opportunity squandered? Absolutely. A crushing blow? Yes. Will I get over it? ... No. But life goes on ... not for me.
Guess what? I have flaws. What are they? Oh I dunno, I sing in the shower? Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I'll hit somebody with my car. So sue me-- no, don't sue me. That is opposite the point I'm trying to make.
I DECLARE BANKRUPTCY!
Look, I know the reason that you guys became accountants is 'cause you're not good at interacting with people. But guess what? From now on, you guys are no longer losers. So gives yourselves a round of applause.
The only difference between me and a homeless man is this job. I will do whatever it takes to survive... like I did when I was a homeless man.
William Doolittle at your service. A.K.A. Will Do.
Every week, I'm supposed to take four hours and do a quality spot-check at the paper mill. And of course the one year I blow it off, this happens.
[Jim sits down, dressed as Dwight]
Jim: Question: What kind of bear is best?
Dwight: That's a ridiculous question.
Jim: False. Black bear.
Dwight: That's debatable. There are basically two schools of thought...
Jim: Fact: Bears eat beets. Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica.
With the electricity we're using to keep Meredith alive, we could power a small fan for two days. You tell me what's unethical.
I'm not superstitious, but I'm a little stitious.
Do I need to be liked? Absolutely not. I like to be liked. I enjoy being liked. I have to be liked. But it's not like this compulsive need to be liked, like my need to be praised.
I love my employees, even though I hit one of you with my car.
So Ryan got promoted to corporate, where he is a little fish in a big pond, whereas back here at Scranton, I am still top dog in a fairly large pond. So who is the real boss? The dog... or a fish?
It was never my intention to ruin a life. But you know what? Sometimes, you just gots to get your freak on.
Andy Bernard. Pros: he's classy. He gets me. He went to Cornell. I trust him. Cons: I don't really trust him.
What happens to a company if somebody takes a boss away? I will answer your question with a question. It's like, what happens to a chicken when you take its head away? It dies. Unless you find a new head. I need to see which one of these people have the skills to be a chicken head.
There's a wishing fountain at the mall. And I threw a coin in for every woman in the world and made a wish. I wished for Jan to get over me, I wished for Phyllis a plasma TV, I wished for Pam to gain courage, I wished for Angela a heart, and for Kelly a brain...
Once I'm officially regional manager, my first order of business will be to demote Jim Halpert. So I will need a new number two. My ideal choice? Jack Bauer. But he is unavailable. Fictional. And overqualified.
Last year, Creed asked me how to set up a blog. Wanting to protect the world from being exposed to Creed's brain, I opened up a Word document on his computer and put an address at the top. I've read some of it. Even for the Internet, it's... pretty shocking.
Dwight: Don't you want to earn Schrute bucks?
Stanley: No. In fact, I'll give you a billion Stanley nickels if you never talk to me again.
Dwight: What's the ratio of Stanley nickels to Schrute bucks?
Stanley: The same as the ratio of unicorns to leprechauns.
I am a great interviewee. Why? Because I have something no one else has: my brain. Which I use to my advantage... when advantageous.
I learned from Jim, if Dwight ever asks you if you accept something secret, you reply, "absolutely I do."
Michael: Here's the thing. Chili's is the new golf course. It's where business happens. Small Business Man Magazine.
Jan: It said that?
Michael: It will. I sent it in. Letter to the editor.
Would I rather be feared or loved? Umm... easy, both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.
When I was Ryan's age, I worked in a fast food restaurant to save up money for school. And then I lost it in a pyramid scheme, but I learned more about business right then and there than business school would ever teach me - or Ryan would ever teach me.
A 30-year mortgage at Michael's age essentially means that he's buying a coffin. If I were buying my coffin, I would get one with thicker walls so I couldn't hear the other dead people.
Right now this is just a job. If I advance any higher in this company, this would be my career. And, uh, if this were my career, I'd have to throw myself in front of a train.
Dwight: Through concentration, I can raise and lower my cholesterol at will.
Pam: Why would you want to raise your cholesterol?
Dwight: So I can lower it.
In the wild, there is no health care. In the wild, health care is, 'Ow, I hurt my leg. I can't run. A lion eats me. I'm dead.' Well, I'm not dead. I'm the lion. You're dead.
Toby: Actually, I didn't think it was appropriate to invite children, since it's uh, you know, there's gambling and alcohol, it's in our dangerous warehouse, it's a school night, and you know, Hooter's is catering, and is that- is that enough? Should I keep going?
Michael: Why are you the way that you are? Honestly, every time I try to do something fun, or exciting, you make it... not that way. I hate... so much about the things that you choose to be.
Hey, no...no. AIDS is not funny. Believe me, I've tried. There are certain topics that are off-limits to comedians. The Holocaust. JFK. The Lincoln assassination just recently became funny. "I need to see this play like I need a hole in the head." And I hope to one day live in a world where someone can tell a hilarious AIDS joke. It's one of my dreams.
Mr. Brown: At Diversity Today, we believe it's very easy to be a hero. All you need are honesty, empathy, respect, and open-mindedness.
Dwight: Uh, excuse me? I'm sorry, but that's not all it takes to be a hero.
Mr. Brown: Great, well, what is a hero to you?
Dwight: A hero kills people, people that wish him harm. A hero is part human and part supernatural. A hero is born out of a childhood trauma, or out of a disaster, that must be avenged.
Mr. Brown: Uh, you're thinking of a superhero.
Abraham Lincoln once said that "If you are a racist, I will attack you with the North," and those are the principles I carry with me in the workplace.
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