The Simpsons Season 4 Episode 15: I Love Lisa

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First aired on Feb. 11, 1993

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Ralph Wiggum mistakes pity for love when Lisa gives him a Valentine's Day card. After a public humiliation, broken-hearted Ralph gives an unexpectedly moving performance in the school's President's Day pageant.


Lisa: I've got something for you.
Ralph: [reading a card] "Let's be friends." It says "bee," and there's a picture of a bee on it!

Thanks for coming, and don't forget to purchase some orange drink for the long ride home.

I didna cry when me own father was hung for stealing a pig. But I'll cry now.

Bart, do you want to play John Wilkes Booth, or do you want to act like a maniac?

Good evening, everyone, and welcome to a wonderful evening of theater and picking up after yourselves.

Skinner: Mm. So Mother was right. It was my fault. Go ahead. Water it down some more.
Willie: My God, man. I've watered her down as far as she'll go. I cannot water no more.

[Lisa reads the note with her gift, a Malibu Stacy convertible from Ralph.] "Look in the tunk." He must mean trunk.

What? This is a travesty. Everyone knows I'm the best actor in this ridiculous school. Someone's gotten to you, you deceitful cow!

[Patching the roof with tar]
Ralph: Mr. Simpson, the tar fumes are making me dizzy!
Homer: Yeah, they'll do that.

[The doorbell rings]
Lisa: Oh no, it's Ralph! Just make up some excuse!
Homer: [answering the door] She's in the can. Go away.
Ralph: Yes, sir! I'd do anything for Lisa.

Can you believe Flanders threw out a perfectly good toothbrush?

Lisa: Ralph thinks I like him but I only gave him a valentine because I felt sorry for him.
Homer: Ah, sweet pity. Where would my love life have been without it?

... the doctor said I wouldn't have so many nosebleeds if I kept my finger outta there.

Ralph: That valentine sure was funny!
Lisa: I'm glad you liked it.
Ralph: It says "choo-choo-choose me" and there's a picture of a train.
Lisa: Yeah, nice gag.
Ralph: So... do you like... stuff?

[After reading Lisa's valentine] You choo-choo-choose me?

Ms. Hoover: First, we're going to construct paper mailboxes to store the valentines.
Lisa: Isn't that just pointless busywork?
Ms. Hoover: Bull's-eye. Get cracking.

If you think I'm cuddly and you want my company, come on wifey let me know!

Moe: [Reading his valentine) "To Moe. From your secret admirer."
Barney: Yoo hooooo!
Moe: Oh God, no!
[Barney blows a kiss and belches]

Bah! This is just another Hallmark holiday cooked up to sell cards.

Bart: I'll go, disguised as you.
Lisa: What if he wants to hold hands?
Bart: I'm prepared to make that sacrifice.
Lisa: What if he wants a kiss?
Bart: I'm prepared to make that sacrifice.
Lisa: What if he...
Bart: You don't want to know how far I'll go.

Lisa: What do you say to a boy to let him know you're not interested?
Marge: Well, honey, when I...
Homer: Let me handle this, Marge; I've heard 'em all. I like you as a friend... I think we should see other people... I no speak English...
Lisa: I get the idea.
Homer: I'm married to the sea... I don't want to kill you, but I will...

Attention everyone, this is Principal Skinner. Some student, possibly Bart Simpson, has been circulating candy hearts with crude off-color sentiments.

Ms. Hoover: You may now exchange valentines.
Ralph: Miss Hoover, I glued my head to my shoulder.

Ralph: My parents won't let me use scissors. [kids laugh at him]
Ms. Hoover: The children have a right to laugh at you, Ralph. These things couldn't cut butter. Now, take out your red crayons.
Ralph: Miss Hoover?
Ms. Hoover: Yes, Ralph?
Ralph: I don't have a red crayon.
Ms. Hoover: Why not?
Ralph: I ate it.

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