The Simpsons Season 8 Episode 6: A Milhouse Divided

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First aired on Dec. 1, 1996

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Kirk and Luann Van Houten are getting a divorce. Homer is confident that it will never happen to him, but Kirk tells him how quickly things can change.


Marge, if this was my last meal, I'd tell the warden, "Bring on the lethal injection!"

My mom left my dad after she got hooked on cough drops. At the end her breath was so fresh, she wasn't really my mother anymore.

I will now read these special vows which Homer has prepared for this occasion. Do you, Marge, take Homer, in richness and in poorness, poorness is underlined, in impotence and in potence, in quiet solitude or blasting across the alkali flats in a jet-powered, monkey-navigated... and it goes on like this.

Homer: Marge, will you marry me?
Marge: Why? Am I pregnant?

Only three cavities, Bart, your best checkup ever! I'm going to make you my specialty, butterscotch chicken.

Lisa: You're very lucky to have Mom.
Homer: That's your advice? Go to bed!

Marge, I'm home! Where are you? Are you okay? I don't smell dinner. [finds a note and reads it aloud] "Dear Homer." Aww. "Sorry you didn't want to join me tonight. I left you hot dogs for dinner. They're thawing in the sink."

Kirk: You're letting me go?
Cracker Factory Executive: Kirk, crackers are a family food, happy families. Maybe single people eat crackers, we don't know. Frankly, we don't want to know. It's a market we can do without.
Kirk: So, that's it after 20 years? "So long. Good luck?"
Cracker Factory Executive: I don't recall saying "good luck."

Rev. Lovejoy: Now, Kirk, it's only a game. Sometimes, we...
Kirk: Aw, cram it, churchy!

[Playing Pictionary Pictionary]
Kirk: Ah, come on Luanne, you know what this is.
Luanne: Kirk, I don't know what it is.
Kirk: It could not be more simple, Luanne. You want me to show this to the cat, and have the cat tell you what it is? 'Cause the cat's going to get it.
Luanne: I'm sorry, I'm not as smart as you, Kirk. We didn't all go to Gudger College.
Kirk: It's dignity! Gah! Don't you even know dignity when you see it?
Luanne: Kirk, you're spitting.
Kirk: Okay, genius, why don't you draw dignity. [Luanne draws on the paper]
Dr. Hibbert: Worthy of Webster's.

Uh, sorry we're late, but Luanne had to put on her face. She doesn't want anyone to know she's got no eyebrows. [Luanne looks at Kirk] What? You don't!

Bart: Mom, Reverend Lovejoy doesn't have a coat. Should I let him in?
Rev. Lovejoy: My coat was stolen at last week's interfaith banquet. So I helped myself to a few of the better umbrellas.

Bart, company's coming, go put doilies under the coasters, hurry, hurry!

Marge: Oh! A punchbowl like that just screams good taste. Wouldn't it be perfect for the dinner party?
Homer: Oh, we can't afford that. Who do you think I am, Liz Taylor?
Marge: Well, maybe we could use it once and then return it.
Homer: Marge, we're not talking about a toothbrush here.

It's just not a dinner party without a melon baller. And we'll need a citrus zester, a ravioli crimper... Ooh, an oyster mallet! Made in USA? Oh, no, thank you.

Marge: Homer, is this the way you pictured married life?
Homer: Yeah, pretty much. Except we drove around in a van solving mysteries.

Marge: I'm going into the dining room to have a conversation. Anyone who wants to join me is welcome. [goes into the dining room and speaks to herself in another voice] Hello Marge, how's the family? [in regular voice] I don't want to talk about it! Mind your own business!
Homer: Keep it down in there, everybody!

Kirk: I sleep in a racing car. Do you?
Homer: I sleep in a big bed with my wife.
Kirk: Oh. Yeah.

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