The Simpsons

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Set in Springfield, the average American town, the show focuses on the antics and everyday adventures of the Simpson family; Homer, Marge, Bart, Lisa and Maggie, as well as a virtual cast of thousands. Since the beginning, the series has been a pop culture icon, attracting hundreds of celebrities to guest star. The show has also made name for itself in its fearless satirical take on politics, media and American life in general.


Quotes from The Simpsons

When I started this clown thing, I thought it would be nothing but glory. You know, the glory of being a clown. I tell you, it's hard, tiring work. But when I see the smiles on their little faces, I just know they're getting ready to jab me with something.


These campaign buttons are all partisan. Don't you have any neutral ones? "May the better man win", "Let's have a good, clean election", that sort of thing?


Bart: So, finally, we’re all in agreement about what’s going on with the adults. Milhouse?
Milhouse: Ahem. OK, here’s what we've got: the Rand Corporation, in conjunction with the saucer people, under the supervision of the reverse vampires, are forcing our parents to go to bed early in a fiendish plot to eliminate the meal of dinner! We’re through the looking glass, here, people.


[to Marge] Fine. I’ll drop everything I’m doing just for you, but you’ll have to live with the guilt of ruining my Saturday.


Mayor Quimby: You can't seriously want to ban alcohol. It tastes great, makes women appear more attractive, and makes a person virtually invulnerable to criticism.
Helen Lovejoy: Oh, won't someone please think of the children?
Maude Flanders: What kind of example are we setting?
Chief Wiggum: Ladies, please. All our founding fathers, astronauts, and World Series heroes have been either drunk or on cocaine.


Ladies and gentlemen, what you are seeing is a total disregard for the things St. Patrick's Day stand for. All this drinking, violence, destruction of property. Are these the things we think of when we think of the Irish?


Bart: [drunk] What are you looking at?
Kent Brockman: "What are you looking at?": the innocent words of a drunken child. Well, I'll tell you what we're looking at, young man. A town gone mad. A town whose very conscious was washed away in a tide of beer and green vomit.


Homer: Who are you?
Cesar Chavez: The spirit of Cesar Chavez.
Homer: Why do you look like Cesar Romero?
Cesar Chavez: Because you don’t know what Cesar Chavez looks like.


A new challenger has emerged out of nowhere. He’s running on sheer pluck, moxy and grit. All of which he’ll be tested for after the race.


Principal Skinner: Bart, if there’s one thing I’m good at, it’s pretending things didn’t happened. And I think this is one of those.
Bart: One of which?
Principal Skinner: Exactly.
Bart: No, seriously. I wasn’t listening.


Of course. It’s so simple. Wait, no it’s not. It’s needlessly complicated.


My eye! I’m not supposed to get pudding in it!


Dr. Nick Riviera: With my diet you can eat all you want anytime you want.
Marge: And you’ll lose weight?
Dr. Nick Riviera: Ah, you might. It’s a free country!


Dr. Hibbert: Another broccoli-related death.
Marge: But I thought broccoli was—
Dr. Hibbert: Oh yes. One of the deadliest plants on Earth. Why, it tries to warn you itself with its terrible taste.


Can we please stop somewhere? My butt's asleep.


Homer: Patty, Selma, I'm sorry. [Homer hugs Selma and Patty]
Selma: He's hugging us. What do we do?
Patty: Just close your eyes and think of MacGyver.


Come to Duff Gardens, where roaming gangs aren't a big problem anymore!


They say the greatest tragedy is when a father outlives his son. I have never fully understood why. Frankly, I can see an upside to it!


Bart: Nothing you say can upset us. We're the MTV generation.
Lisa: We feel neither highs or lows.
Homer: Really? What's it like?
Lisa: Ehh.


You've tried the best, now try the rest! Call 1-600-DOCTORB. The "B" is for "bargain!"


Don't worry, Marge. America's healthcare system is second only to Japan, Canada, Sweden, Great Britain... well, all of Europe. But you can thank your lucky stars we don't live in Paraguay!


Homer: OK, OK, we need $40,000. Now how much do we have in the checkbook?
Marge: Seventy dollars.
Homer: Hmm... have we deposited any $40,000 checks that haven't cleared yet?


Dr. Hibbert: Homer, I'm afraid you'll have to undergo a coronary bypass operation.
Homer: Say it in English, Doc!
Dr. Hibbert: You're going to need open-heart surgery.
Homer Simpson: Spare me your medical mumbo-jumbo!
Dr. Hibbert: We're going to cut you open and tinker with your ticker.
Homer Simpson: Could you dumb it down a shade?


Dr. Nick: Hi, everybody! I'm Dr. Nick Riviera.
PA: Doctor Riviera, Doctor Nick Riviera. Please report to the coroner immediately!
Dr. Nick: The coroner. I'm so sick of that guy!


Well if if isn't my old friend Mr. McGreg. With a leg for an arm and an arm for a leg!


Hello, I'm Troy McClure! You might remember me from such celebrity funerals as "Andre The Giant, We Hardly Knew Ye" and "Shemp Howard: Today We Mourn A Stooge."


Yes, the Simpsons have come a long way since an old drunk made humans out of his rabbit characters to pay off his gambling debts. Who knows what adventures they'll have between now and the time the show becomes unprofitable?


But, of course, for that ending to work, you would have to ignore all the Simpson DNA evidence. And that would be downright nutty!


Right about now, you're probably saying, "Troy, I've seen every Simpson's episode. You can't show me anything new." [harsh] Well, you got some attitude, mister!


Hello, I’m Troy McClure. You may remember me from such Fox specials as "Alien Nose Job" and "5 Fabulous Weeks Of The Chevy Chase Show."


Cheer up, Homey. You don't need friends to be happy. I haven't had a friend in years.


Wow! Eye of the tiger. Mouth of a teamster. Just think of all the time I wasted on you! [points to Bart]


I've figured out the boy's punishment: First, he's grounded. No leaving the house, not even for school. Second, no egg nog. In fact, no nog, period. And third, absolutely no stealing for three months.


Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You might remember me from such public service videos as "Designated Drivers: The Lifesaving Nerds" and "Phony Tornado Alarms Reduce Readiness." I'm here today to give you the skinny on shoplifting, thereby completing my plea bargain with the good people at Foot Locker of Beverly Hills.


[playing Bonestorm] This is great...and all I've done is enter my name! "Thrillhouse."


Ned: Now, folks, nothing spells "fun" like rhinestones on a dungaree jacket! [holds up "Disco Stu" jacket]
Man: Stu! You should buy that!
Disco Stu: Hey: Disco Stu doesn't advertise.


[riding on a pony] Mom, look, I found something more fun than complaining!


You there, fill it up with petroleum distillate, and re-vulcanize my tires, post-haste!


Can't we have one meeting that doesn't end with us digging up a corpse?


Hello, Selma Bouvier, It's Troy McClure. You might remember me from such dates as last night's dinner.


Milhouse: Bart! Nelson hit me!
Bart: He sure did.


Bart: Go To Work With Your Parents Day?
Principal Skinner: Yes, Go To Work With Your Parents Day. Tomorrow you will learn by doing and apply your knowledge of fractions and gym to real-world situations.


Nelson: What is this place?
Bart: Branson, Missouri. My dad says it's like Vegas… if it were run by Ned Flanders.


Cletus: [holding a pair of boots] Hey, Brandine. You might could wear these to your job interview.
Brandine: And scuff up the topless dancin' runway? Naw, you best bring 'em back where from ya got 'em.
Cletus: Okay. [to the boots] Back you go, to wait for a woman o' less discriminatin' taste.


[on top of a telephone pole] Hey, you know what? I could call my ma while I'm up here. [yells] Hey, maw! Get off the dang roof!


Lou: You know the funniest thing though? It's the little differences.
Wiggum: Example.
Lou: Well, at McDonald's you can buy a Krusty Burger with cheese, right? But they don't call it a Krusty Burger with cheese.
Wiggum: Get out… well what do they call it?
Lou: A Quarter Pounder with cheese.
Wiggum: A Quarter Pounder with cheese? Well I can picture the cheese, but… uh. Do they have Krusty Partially Gelatinated Non-Dairy Gum Based Beverages?
Lou: Mmm hmm, they call 'em Shakes.
Eddie: Huh, shakes. You don't know what you're gettin'.


Lou: Y'know, I went to the McDonald's in, uh, Shelbyville on Friday night.
Chief Wiggum: The McWhat?
Lou: Uh, the McDonald's restaurant. I never heard of it either, but they have over 2,000 locations in this state alone.
Eddie: Hmm. Must have sprung up overnight.


Dr. Nick: Hi, everybody! Now, tell Dr. Nick where is the trouble.
Grampa: I'm itchy! I've got ants in my pants! I'm discombobulated! Give me a calmative!
Dr. Nick: Slow down, sir! You're going to give yourself skin failure!


Bart: Milhouse, do you ever think about the people in those cars?
Milhouse: I try not to. It makes it harder to spit on 'em.


Skinner: Well, Superintendent, I hope you're ready for mouthwatering hamburgers!
Chalmers: I thought you said we were having steamed clams.
Skinner: Oh no, I said steamed hams. That's what I call hamburgers.


Well, Seymour, you are an odd fellow but I must say you steam a good ham.


Skinner: Well, that was wonderful. A good time was had by all. I'm pooped.
Chalmers: Yes, I should be--good lord, what is happening in there?!
Skinner: Aurora Borealis?
Chalmers: Aurora Borealis?! At this time of year, at this time of day, in this part of the country, localized entirely within your kitchen!?!
Skinner: Yes.
Chalmers: May I see it?
Skinner: Er, no.
Agnes: Seymour, the house is on fire!
Skinner: No, Mother, it's just the Northern Lights.


Comic Book Guy: That is a rare photo of Sean Connery signed by Roger Moore; it is worth one hundred and fifty dollars.
Milhouse: What can I get for seventy-five cents?
Comic Book Guy: Ugh, you may purchase this charming Hamburglar adventure, a child has already solved the jumble using crayons. The answer is 'fries'.


Grampa: Now, my story begins in 19-dickety-two. We had to say "dickety" cause that Kaiser had stolen our word "twenty." I chased that rascal to get it back, but gave up after dickety-six miles…
Martin: Dickety? Highly dubious!
Grampa: What are you cackling at, fatty? Too much pie, that's your problem!


Hey Bart! Lisa's skateboarding with some cool kids...and she looks like Blossom!


Dr. Hibbert: But what to do with poor Hugo? Too crazy for Boys Town, too much of a boy for Crazy Town. The child was an outcast. So, we did the only humane thing.
Homer: We chained Hugo up in the attic like an animal and fed him a bucket of fish heads once a week.
Marge: It's saved our marriage.


[as Bill Clinton] We must go forward, not backward. Upward, not forward. And always twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom.


Kodos: It's a two party system! You have to vote for one of us!
Man: He's right, this is a two-party system.
Man 2: Well, I believe I'll vote for a third-party candidate.
Kang: Go ahead, throw your vote away.


What's wrong with this country!? Can't a man walk down the street without being offered a job?


Scorpio: Hey, before we continue our tour, would you mind hanging my coat up on the wall, please?
Homer: [looks around the room] Mmmhmm. Umuhh now, let's see now. Umm...
Scorpio: Ahaha. Relax, Homer, at Globex we don't believe in walls. In fact, I didn't even give you my coat! [wears the coat backwards]


Wow! I bet if God wore pants, he'd have a belt like that.


Homer, you don't know how to box, you're 38 years old, and you haven't gotten any exercise since grade school. Of all the crazy ideas you've had, this one ranks somewhere in the middle. Before you even consider this, I insist you consult a doctor.


Homer: You used to be a boxer just like me?
Moe: Yup. They called me Kid Gorgeous. Later on, it was Kid Presentable. Then Kid Gruesome. And finally, Kid Moe.


Bart: Dad, do I have to brush my teeth?
Homer: No, but at least rinse your mouth out with soda.


Marge, if this was my last meal, I'd tell the warden, "Bring on the lethal injection!"


My mom left my dad after she got hooked on cough drops. At the end her breath was so fresh, she wasn't really my mother anymore.


I will now read these special vows which Homer has prepared for this occasion. Do you, Marge, take Homer, in richness and in poorness, poorness is underlined, in impotence and in potence, in quiet solitude or blasting across the alkali flats in a jet-powered, monkey-navigated... and it goes on like this.


Homer: Marge, will you marry me?
Marge: Why? Am I pregnant?


Only three cavities, Bart, your best checkup ever! I'm going to make you my specialty, butterscotch chicken.


Lisa: You're very lucky to have Mom.
Homer: That's your advice? Go to bed!


Marge, I'm home! Where are you? Are you okay? I don't smell dinner. [finds a note and reads it aloud] "Dear Homer." Aww. "Sorry you didn't want to join me tonight. I left you hot dogs for dinner. They're thawing in the sink."


Kirk: You're letting me go?
Cracker Factory Executive: Kirk, crackers are a family food, happy families. Maybe single people eat crackers, we don't know. Frankly, we don't want to know. It's a market we can do without.
Kirk: So, that's it after 20 years? "So long. Good luck?"
Cracker Factory Executive: I don't recall saying "good luck."


Rev. Lovejoy: Now, Kirk, it's only a game. Sometimes, we...
Kirk: Aw, cram it, churchy!


[Playing Pictionary Pictionary]
Kirk: Ah, come on Luanne, you know what this is.
Luanne: Kirk, I don't know what it is.
Kirk: It could not be more simple, Luanne. You want me to show this to the cat, and have the cat tell you what it is? 'Cause the cat's going to get it.
Luanne: I'm sorry, I'm not as smart as you, Kirk. We didn't all go to Gudger College.
Kirk: It's dignity! Gah! Don't you even know dignity when you see it?
Luanne: Kirk, you're spitting.
Kirk: Okay, genius, why don't you draw dignity. [Luanne draws on the paper]
Dr. Hibbert: Worthy of Webster's.


Uh, sorry we're late, but Luanne had to put on her face. She doesn't want anyone to know she's got no eyebrows. [Luanne looks at Kirk] What? You don't!


Bart: Mom, Reverend Lovejoy doesn't have a coat. Should I let him in?
Rev. Lovejoy: My coat was stolen at last week's interfaith banquet. So I helped myself to a few of the better umbrellas.


Bart, company's coming, go put doilies under the coasters, hurry, hurry!


Marge: Oh! A punchbowl like that just screams good taste. Wouldn't it be perfect for the dinner party?
Homer: Oh, we can't afford that. Who do you think I am, Liz Taylor?
Marge: Well, maybe we could use it once and then return it.
Homer: Marge, we're not talking about a toothbrush here.


It's just not a dinner party without a melon baller. And we'll need a citrus zester, a ravioli crimper... Ooh, an oyster mallet! Made in USA? Oh, no, thank you.


Marge: Homer, is this the way you pictured married life?
Homer: Yeah, pretty much. Except we drove around in a van solving mysteries.


Marge: I'm going into the dining room to have a conversation. Anyone who wants to join me is welcome. [goes into the dining room and speaks to herself in another voice] Hello Marge, how's the family? [in regular voice] I don't want to talk about it! Mind your own business!
Homer: Keep it down in there, everybody!


Homer: Now that we’re all alone, Marge, admit it, you like Lisa best.
Marge: No.
Homer: Oh, so you’re a Bart woman, are you?!
Marge: No.
Homer: Well you can’t possible like Maggie best. What has she ever done? Nothin’ for nobody!


Oh my God, Marge. A penalty shot with only four seconds left. It's your child versus mine! The winner will be showered with praise; the loser will be taunted and booed until my throat is sore!


Announcer: And now, to honor America, here's Krusty the Clown.
Krusty: [singing the National Anthem] Oh say, can you see..La la la, da da light, what so proudly we... ya la la yah...oh... I shouldn't have turned down those cue cards.


Chief Wiggum: All right, I'm going to make a little deal with you mugs. I'm going to let you all out to see my team play the hockey game if you promise to return to your cells!
Snake: Sorry, pig. We can't make that promise.
Wiggum: All right... all right, I'll sweeten the deal. You can see the game, you don't have to come back, but you have to promise not to commit any more crimes, OK?
Snake: No.
Wiggum: I'll take that as a yes.


Bart: Come watch TV with me, Dad. We missed the first two episodes of "Cops", but if we hurry we can catch the last three.
Homer: Aw, sorry Bart, Lisa and I are going out for a gelato. We'd ask you to come, but...you know.


We're having our best season ever. And I would like to say that it is because of teamwork...gee, who am I kidding, huh? It's all because of Lisa.


Milhouse: Hey! Way to knock out my teeth!
Apu: Yeah, that's it, Milhouse, keep up the chatter.


Milhouse, knock him down if he's in your way! Jimbo, Jimbo, go for the face! Ralph Wiggum lost his shin guard! Hack the bone! Hack the bone.


Homer: Okay, little buddy, hop in! [Bart steps forward] Ah bah! I mean my little girl buddy.
Lisa: That's very nice, Dad, but it's wrong for you to reward violent, competitive behavior. However, I will sit up front with you if it's a fatherly gesture of love.
Homer: Okay, hon. [Lisa gets in the car] Sucker! Competitive violence! That's why you're here!


Sorry, Bart, I'm going to hang out with Lisa...for protection... and to be seen!


Nelson: [beating up Bart] This is for wasting teacher's valuable time!
Lisa: Lay off, guys! He's with me.
Jimbo: It's a lucky coincidence you happen to be your sister's brother.


Milhouse: Hey, Bart. If Lisa's better than you at hockey, you think you'll become better than her at school?
Bart: Maybe I will, Milhouse. Maybe I will.
Mrs. Krabappel: Who can tell me the capital of Spain? [Bart raises his hand] Bart Simpson. The square root of 36? [Bart raises his hand] Bart Simpson. Who freed the slaves? Bart Simpson. Bart Simpson. Bart Simpson. Bart Simpson, will you stop raising your hand? You haven't had one right answer all day.
Bart: Sorry.


Bart: Lisa, certain difference, rivalries if you will, have come up between us. At first I thought we could talk it over like civilized people, but instead...I just ripped the head off Mr. Honeybunny!
Lisa: Bart that was your cherished childhood toy.
Bart: (realizes what he did) Aaah! Mr. Honeybunny!


We won! We won! Unfortunately, since I bet on the other team, we won't be going out for pizza.


Hey Dolph, take a memo on your Newton: beat up Martin.


Kirk: I sleep in a racing car. Do you?
Homer: I sleep in a big bed with my wife.
Kirk: Oh. Yeah.


As I said to Dolores Montenegro in "Calling All Quakers," "Have it your way baby."


Oh, hello, and welcome to Rancho Relaxo. I'm Troy McClure. You might remember me from such films as "Today We Kill, Tomorrow We Die" and "Gladys the Groovy Mule." But today you'll see me in my greatest role, your video tour guide to Rancho Relaxo.


My new show's called "Handle with Care." I play Jack Handle, a retired cop who shares an apartment with a retired criminal. We're the original odd couple!


I'm actor Troy McClure. You might remember me from such TV series as "Buck Henderson, Union Buster" and "Troy and Company's Summertime Smile Factory". Today I'm here to tell you about "Spiffy.", the 21st century stain remover.


Hello, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such movies as "Cry, Yuma" and "Here Comes the Coast Guard." But today I'd like to talk to you about a pleasant tasting candy that actually cleans and straightens your teeth.


Oh come on, I've seen you cry a million times. You cry when you scrape your knee. You cry when they're out of chocolate milk. You cry when you're doing long division and you have a remainder left over.


Bart it's just not the kissing. A lot of it is waiting to kiss, you know, when you open an eskimo pie and you wait just a little bit for it to melt.


Milhouse, we're living in the age of cooties. I can't believe the risk you're running. Besides, what's so great about kissing?


Hi, I'm actor Troy McClure, you kids might remember me from such educational films as Lead Paint: Delicious but Deadly and Here Comes the Metric System!.


Son, come here. Of course I'm not mad. If something is hard to do then it's not worth doing. You just stick that guitar in the closet next to your short wave radio, your karate outfit and your unicycle and we'll go inside and watch TV.


I stand on my record. Fifteen crashes and not a single fatality.


Although I am sure I will receive a severe wedgie from my bus mates, I must remind you we should have been at school ten minutes ago.


You've changed, man. It used to be about the music.


To the Simpson mobile!


Lighten up, son. If he was going to commit a crime would he have invited the number one cop in town? Now where did I put my gun? Oh yeah, I set it down when I got a piece of cake.


No, he's right. We're a package. Love me, love MacGyver.


I just hope people don't think I'm just marrying you for your money instead of your less tangible qualities.


You're forgetting the first two noble truths of the Buddha... one, existence is suffering, two, the cause of suffering is desire. In this case, my desire to do high quality children's programming.


That's right, dear. Enjoy your rest. The wedding was very tough on you, and the honeymoon is going to be... murder.


Class: [singing] There was a farmer, had a dog, and Bingo was his name-O!
Bart: B-I-(clap)-(clap)-O! B-I-(clap)-(clap)-O! B-I-(clap)-(clap)-(clap)! And Bingo was his name-O!
Bart's Kindergarten Teacher: [observing with clipboard] Added extra clap; not college material.


Principal Skinner: Now I'd like to introduce you to Lunchlady Doris, who'll serve you healthy, nutritious meals.
Lunchlady Doris: Yeah, right.
Principal Skinner: Ms. Phipps, the school nurse, who will provide ointments and unguents, and Jimbo, the school bully, who will administer noogies and nipple twisters.
Jimbo: I look forward to wailing on all of you.


Welcome kindergarteners, I'm Principal Sinner...Skinner! [The kids laugh.] Well, that's it. I've lost them forever.


So, what do you like, Lisa? Vio-ma-lin? Tuba-ma-ba? Oboe-mo-boe?


Milhouse: I have soy milk. The doctor says the real kind could kill me.
Bart: I wish I was interesting like you.


I thought I recognized you! I gave you a plate of corn muffins back in 1947 to paint my chicken coop.


Bart: A thousand dollars? But your ad says "no money down".
Lionel Hutz: Oh, they got this all screwed up.
Bart: So you don't work on a contingency basis?
Lionel Hutz: No, money down! Oops, shouldn't have this bar association logo here either.


Your honor? I'd like to call all of my surprise witnesses again.


Bart: Cool! I'll give you ten bucks for that.
Comic Book Guy: Are you the creator of Hi and Lois, because you are making me laugh. That drawing is worth exactly seven hundred and fifty dollars American.


Well, I'm not calling you a liar, but... but I can't think of a way to finish that sentence.


Moe: You're gonna need to come up with a slogan that people are gonna remember you by.
Homer: Awwh, can't someone else do it?
Moe: "Can't someone else do it?" That's perfect.
Homer: Really?


They want sentiment? I'll pump 'em so full of sap they'll have to blow their nose with a pancake!


Mr. Burns: If it's a crime to love one's country, then I'm guilty. And if it's a crime to steal a trillion dollars from our government, and hand it over to communist Cuba, then I'm guilty of that too. And if it's a crime to bribe a jury, then so help me, I'll soon be guilty of that.
Homer: God bless America!


Milhouse: Hey, Bart. Check out my new earring. Pretty cool, huh?
Bart: Milhouse, my mom wears earrings. Do you think she's cool?
Milhouse: No, I think she's hot! Sorry, it just slipped out.


[to Ralph] You know you're not suppose to go in there. What is your fascination with my forbidden closet of mystery?


Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such medical films as "Alice Doesn't Live Anymore" and "Mommy, What's Wrong with that Man's Face?"


Homer: Hey, I thought your mother told you to take a bath!
Bart: Yeah, mom says a lot of things.
Homer: Oh, I understand, kids. I'm not a bath man myself, more of a cologne man.


Homer: Singing is the lowest form of communication.
Marge: Homer, you sing all the time.
Homer: No I don't, I hate to rhyme.


Moe: Sounds like you're having a rough Christmas. You know what I blame this on the breakdown of? Society.
Homer: [drunk] Yeah, you're right, Moe… you're always Moe.


Lionel Hutz: Listen, it's time I let you in on a little secret, Marge. "The right house" is the house that's for sale; the "right person" is anyone.
Marge: But all I did was tell the truth.
Lionel Hutz: Of course you did. But there's "the truth" [shakes head] and "the truth." [smiles wide] Let me show you.
Marge: It's awfully small.
Lionel Hutz: I'd say it's awfully "cozy."
Marge: That's dilapidated.
Lionel Hutz: Rustic.
Marge: That house is on fire!
Lionel Hutz: "Motivated seller".


Hey, that smells like regular! She needs Premium, dude! Premium! Dude!


Trying is the first step toward failure.


Lisa: I just think it's a fantasy. If you believe in angels, why not sea monsters, unicorns or leprechauns?
Kent Brockman: Oh, that's a bunch of baloney, Lisa. Everyone knows leprechauns are extinct.


[to his football team] Good practice team. OK, its time for the easiest part of any coach's job-the cut. Now, while I wasn't able to cut everybody I wanted to, I have cut a lot of you.


Homer: Now son, on your first day of school, I'd like to pass along the words of advice my father gave me. [remembers what his dad told him]
Grampa: Homer, you're as dumb as a mule and twice as ugly. If a strange man offers you a ride, I say take it!


The man has no idea how to behave like a billionaire. Where's the dignity? Where's the contempt for the common man?


Will you stop it! It's easy to blame ourselves, but it's even easier to blame Apu!


Everybody's marriages is falling apart except ours. You see the problem is communication.... too much communication.


Homer: Awww, this is the worst party ever.
Marge: Remember that New Year's Eve party at Lenny's? He didn't even have a clock.


The Catholic Church: We've made a few…changes.


Commentator: [describing the batter at a baseball game] He's pointing to the stands, possibly at a dying little boy.
Bart: [after realizing he's been pointed at] Mom, am I dying?!
Marge: No.
Lisa: [whispering] Is he, Mom? You can tell me.
Marge: No!


Homer: Stupid Isotopes. Hurry up and lose so we can get outta here!
Lisa: Why do you hate the Isotopes so much, Dad?
Homer: Because I loved them once and they broke my heart. Let that be a lesson to you, sweetie. Never love anything.


Homer: Milking rats! They're milking rats!
Mayor Quimby: [to Fat Tony] Rats?! I am outraged! You promised me dog or higher!


I'm the luckiest man in the world, now that Lou Gehrig's dead.


I'm learnding.


Skinner: And, for the first time ever, our computer lab actually has a computer in it.
Ralph: Hi, Lisa! Hi, Super Nintendo Chalmers!


Lisa: You promised to take us to the lake.
Homer: I promise you kids lots of things. That's what make me such a good father.
Lisa: Actually, keeping promises would make you a good father.
Homer: No that would make me a great father.


Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such nature films as Earwigs, Eww! and Man vs. Nature: The Road to Victory.


In other news, Thomas Edison, the greatest inventor of all time, is apparently still inventing, despite the notable handicap of being dead.


Lisa: Dad, women won't like being shot in the face.
Homer: Women will like what I tell them to like.


I brought you a tuna sandwich. They say it's brain food. I guess because there's so much dolphin in it, and you know how smart they are.


Ralph: And the doctor told me that both my eyes were lazy, and that's why it was the best summer ever!
Ms. Hoover: Thank you Ralph. Now take your seat.


Marge: Okay, the material was a little corny, but Homer and I showed great chemistry on set.
Homer: Every day, I thought about firing Marge. You know, to shake things up.


The Simpsons started on a wing and a prayer, but now, the wing was on fire, and the prayer had been answered... by Satan.


The dream was over. Coming up: Was the dream really over? Yes, it was. Or was it?


Why did I take such punishment? Let's just say that fame was like a drug. But what was even more like a drug was the drugs.


Now, now, now, don't beat yourself up. *I'm* the one who drove her out of her seat. *I'm* the one who provoked the lethal barrage of T-shirts. *I'm* the one who parked in the ambulance zone, preventing any possible resuscitation. [Ned glares at Homer] Yeah, I, uh... but there's no point in playing the blame game.


Marge: Hmmm. Should the Simpsons get a horse?
Comic Book Guy: Excuse me, I believe this family already had a horse, and the expense forced Homer to work at the Kwik-E-Mart, with hilarious consequences.
Homer: Anybody care what this guy thinks?
Crowd: No!


Moe: Aw, I'm gonna die, and I've never even tasted cantaloupe!
Krusty: Eh, you didn't miss much. Honeydew is the money melon.


Manjula: Apu, it's 4 am. You're late for work.
Apu: Oh. I just had the most beautiful dream where I died.
Manjula: Oh no you don't! Not til they're out of college.
Apu: Listen, I'll die when I want to!


[as The Collector] Stop right there! I have here the only working phaser ever built; it was fired only once...to keep William Shatner from making another album!


Frink: Yes, over here, n'hey, n'hey. In episode BF12, you were battling barbarians while riding a winged Appaloosa, yet in the very next scene, my dear, you're clearly atop a winged Arabian. Please do explain it.
Lucy Lawless: Ah, yeah, well, whenever you notice something like that, a wizard did it.
Frink: I see, all right, yes, but in episode AG4...
Lawless: Wizard.


Milhouse: Hey, I know how we can have some fun. I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with "D."
Nelson: Dingus! [punches Milhouse on the head]
Homer: God bless you, Nelson Muntz.
Nelson: Eh, I'm no hero. I just like to hit people on the head.


Mark McGwire: Young Bart here is right. We are spying on you, pretty much around the clock.
Bart: But why, Mr. McGwire?
Mark McGwire: Do you want to know the terrifying truth, or do you want to see me sock a few dingers?
Crowd: Dingers! Dingers!


Arnie Pie: [describing Homer's movements from the news helicopter] He's jumping out of the car, Kent! He's trying to climb over the fence! Now he's realizing he's too fat. He's digging a hole like a dog. Now he's given up on that and he's running back and forth. He's climbing into a pipe and he seems to be stuck. His legs are dangling in a comical fashion. Oh, it's the saddest thing I've ever seen.
Kent Brockman: Arnie, Arnie, how are the children?
Arnie Pie: I can't see through metal, Kent!


Inflammable means flammable? What a country!


Roads closed, pipes frozen, albinos... virtually invisible. The Weather Service has upgraded Springfield's blizzard from "Winter Wonderland" to a "Class 3 Kill-Storm!"


I'm a level five vegan. I won't eat anything that casts a shadow.


Listen, kid, I'm not the kind of dad who, you know, does things, or says stuff or looks at ya. But the love is there!


Moe: Hey Barney, what'll it be?
Barney: I'd like a beer, Moe!
Barney's Girlfriend: I'd like a single plum floating in perfume served in a man's hat.
Moe: Here you go!


Bart: Barbershop? That ain't been popular since aught-six, dagnabbit.
Homer: Bart, what did I tell you?
Bart: No talking like a grizzled 1890s prospector, consarn it.


Krusty: Ugh, 35 years in show business and already no one remembers me, just like what's-his-name and whose-it, and you know that guy, always wore a shirt?
Bart: Ed Sullivan?


[Lionel Hutz hands Judge Snyder a fake verdict] This verdict is written on a cocktail napkin. And it still says "guilty." And "guilty" is spelled wrong!


All right, come out with your hands up, two cups of coffee, an auto freshener that says 'Capricorn', and something with coconut on it!


Well, whenever I'm confused, I just check my underwear. It holds the answer to all the important questions.


Oh Marge. What if I wind up as some vegetable watching TV on the couch. My important work will never be completed.


Look at them all, through the darkness I am bringing. They're not sad at all. They're actually singing. They sing without juicers. They sing without blenders. They sing without flungers, cabdabblers, and smendlers!


This is a thousand monkeys working at a thousand typewriters. Soon they'll have written the greatest novel known to man. Let's see. It was the best of times, it was the *blurst* of times! You stupid monkey!


Lenny's Voice: Dental plan!
Marge's Voice: Lisa needs braces!
Homer: If we give up our dental plan...I'll have to pay for Lisa's braces!


Don't worry, Homer. I have a fool proof strategy to get you out of here: surprise witnesses, each more surprising than the last. I tell you, the judge won't know what hit him!


Well, Edna, for a school with no Asian kids, I think we put on a pretty darn good science fair.


Lou: There's a couple of guys fighting at the aquarium, Chief.
Chief Wiggum: They still sell those frozen bananas?
Lou: I think so.
Chief Wiggum: Let's roll!


Hi, I'm Lionel Hutz, executor of Gladys Bouvier's estate. She left a video will, so I earn my fee simply by pressing this "Play" button. Pretty sweet, eh?


The knee bone's connected to the something. The something's connected to the red thing. The red thing's connected to my wrist watch... Uh oh.


This is Papa Bear. Put out an APB for a male suspect, driving a... car of some sort, heading in the direction of... you know, that place that sells chili. Suspect is hatless. Repeat, hatless.


Krusty: You people are pigs! I am personally gonna spit in every fiftieth burger!
Homer: Ooh, I like those odds!


The older they get, the cuter they ain't.


I can't sleep, the clown'll eat me.


It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.


Marge: [telling Bart a bedtime story] Then the prince and the princess... [yawning] got married and lived happily ever after.
Bart: Then what happened?
Marge: Uh...they had 30 sons and thirty daughters.
Bart: What were their names?
Marge: Hmm... Dennis... Brad... Mavis... Brad... [falls asleep]


According to Fretful Mother Magazine, if Maggie doesn't talk at age 1, we should consider a corrective tongue extender.


Lionel Hutz: Mrs. Simpson, in your own words, please tell us what happened after you and your husband were ejected from the restaurant.
Marge: We pretty much went straight home.
Lionel Hutz: Remember, Mrs. Simpson, you're still under oath.
Marge: We drove around until 3:00 in the morning looking for another open all-you-can-eat seafood restaurant.
Lionel Hutz: And when you couldn't find any?
Marge: [crying] We went fishing!
Lionel Hutz: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, does this sounds like a man who had "all he could eat?"


Bart, to avoid this test, you've had smallpox, the bends, and that unfortunate bout of Tourette's syndrome.


Homer: Bart, didn't I ask you to watch Maggie?
Bart: Sounds like something you'd say.


My baloney has a first name: it's H-O-M-E-R. My baloney has a second name: it's H-O-M-E-R...


Homer: You're cute as a bug's ear.
Lisa: Fathers have to say that stuff!
Homer: Dad, am I cute as a bug's ear?
Grampa: No, you're homely as a mule's butt!
Homer: There, see?


I just don't see why Blanche should shove a broken bottle in Stanley's face. Couldn't she just take his abuse with gentle good humor?


Lionel Hutz, Attorney at Law. I'm filing a class-action suit against the director on behalf of everyone who was cut from the play. I also play Mitch!


Here are your final report cards. I have nothing left to say to any of you, so if nobody minds, let's just quietly run out the clock.


This is the first time anyone has ever sat next to me since I successfully lobbied to have the school day extended by 20 minutes!


Everybody on! No shoving! Heh, just kidding. You can shove all you want!


Of course, it would be wrong to suggest this sort of mayhem began with rock-and-roll. After all, there were riots at the premiere of Mozart's "The Magic Flute." So, what's the answer? Ban all music? In this reporter’s opinion, the answer, sadly, is yes.


Ms. Hoover: Now put paste on your paper. Ralph, are you eating your paste?
Ralph: [a gluestick pokes out of his mouth] No, Miss Hoover.
Ms. Hoover: Good. Now sprinkle the sparkles onto the paper. Lisa, you're not sprinkling your sparkles.
Lisa: Shove it!


Marge: Bart's grades are up a little this term, but Lisa's are way down.
Homer: We always have one good kid and one lousy kid. Why can't both our kids be good?
Marge: We have three kids, Homer.
Homer: Marge, the dog doesn't count as a kid!
Marge: No, Maggie.


Some of you may discover a wonderful vocation you'd never even imagined. Others may find out life isn't fair, in spite of your Masters from Bryn Mawr, you might end up a glorified babysitter to a bunch of dead-eyed fourth graders while your husband runs naked on a beach with your marriage counselor!


Marge: You know, your father wanted to be a policeman for a little while, but they said he was too heavy.
Homer: No, the Army said I was too heavy. The police said I was too dumb.


Well, I'm going to be a famous jazz musician. I've got it all figured out. I'll be unappreciated in my own country, but my gutsy blues stylings will electrify the French. I'll avoid the horrors of drug abuse, but I do plan to have several torrid love affairs, and I may or may not die young. I haven't decided.


Mr. Burns: No, Smithers, I've decided to bring in a few ringers. Professional baseballers. We'll give them token jobs at the plant and have them play on our softball team. Honus Wagner, Cap Anson, Mordecai "Three Finger" Brown...
Smithers: Sir?
Mr. Burns: What is it, Smithers?
Smithers: I'm afraid all those players have retired and... passed on. In fact, your right fielder has been dead for 130 years.


Barney: And I say England's greatest Prime Minister was Lord Palmerston!
Wade Boggs: Pitt the Elder!
Barney: Lord Palmerston!
Boggs: Pitt the Elder!!
Barney: Okay, you asked for it, Boggs!
[Barney knocks out Boggs]
Moe: Yeah, that's showing him, Barney! Heh, Pitt the Elder.
Barney: Lord Palmerston!!!


Mr. Burns: Mattingly! I thought I told you to trim those sideburns! Go home! You're off the team for good!
Don Mattingly: Fine! [to himself] I still like him better than Steinbrenner.


Kent Brockman: So, it seems we've all been victims of a cruel hoax, masterminded by a 10-year old hooligan. The time has come for finger-pointing, and most of them are squarely aimed at the boy's parents.
Homer: It's not our fault! We didn't want the boy, he was an accident!


Bart: Dad, I've done everything I could and I've only got 35 bucks! Ugh! I am through with working, working is for chumps.
Homer: Son, I'm proud of you. I was twice your age before I figured that out.


Bart: I think Grampa smells like that trunk in the garage where the bottom's all wet.
Lisa: No, I think he smells more like a photo lab.
Homer: Stop it, you two! Grampa smells like a normal old man, which is more like a hallway in a hospital.


Hello, classmates. Instead of voting for some athletic hero or a pretty boy, you have elected me, your intellectual superior, as your king. Good for you.


Artie: There is a difference between ignorance and stupidity.
Homer: Not to me, there isn't.


Lisa: I've got something for you.
Ralph: [reading a card] "Let's be friends." It says "bee," and there's a picture of a bee on it!


Thanks for coming, and don't forget to purchase some orange drink for the long ride home.


I didna cry when me own father was hung for stealing a pig. But I'll cry now.


Bart, do you want to play John Wilkes Booth, or do you want to act like a maniac?


Good evening, everyone, and welcome to a wonderful evening of theater and picking up after yourselves.


Skinner: Mm. So Mother was right. It was my fault. Go ahead. Water it down some more.
Willie: My God, man. I've watered her down as far as she'll go. I cannot water no more.


[Lisa reads the note with her gift, a Malibu Stacy convertible from Ralph.] "Look in the tunk." He must mean trunk.


What? This is a travesty. Everyone knows I'm the best actor in this ridiculous school. Someone's gotten to you, you deceitful cow!


[Patching the roof with tar]
Ralph: Mr. Simpson, the tar fumes are making me dizzy!
Homer: Yeah, they'll do that.


[The doorbell rings]
Lisa: Oh no, it's Ralph! Just make up some excuse!
Homer: [answering the door] She's in the can. Go away.
Ralph: Yes, sir! I'd do anything for Lisa.


Can you believe Flanders threw out a perfectly good toothbrush?


Lisa: Ralph thinks I like him but I only gave him a valentine because I felt sorry for him.
Homer: Ah, sweet pity. Where would my love life have been without it?


... the doctor said I wouldn't have so many nosebleeds if I kept my finger outta there.


Ralph: That valentine sure was funny!
Lisa: I'm glad you liked it.
Ralph: It says "choo-choo-choose me" and there's a picture of a train.
Lisa: Yeah, nice gag.
Ralph: So... do you like... stuff?


[After reading Lisa's valentine] You choo-choo-choose me?


Ms. Hoover: First, we're going to construct paper mailboxes to store the valentines.
Lisa: Isn't that just pointless busywork?
Ms. Hoover: Bull's-eye. Get cracking.


If you think I'm cuddly and you want my company, come on wifey let me know!


Moe: [Reading his valentine) "To Moe. From your secret admirer."
Barney: Yoo hooooo!
Moe: Oh God, no!
[Barney blows a kiss and belches]


Bah! This is just another Hallmark holiday cooked up to sell cards.


Bart: I'll go, disguised as you.
Lisa: What if he wants to hold hands?
Bart: I'm prepared to make that sacrifice.
Lisa: What if he wants a kiss?
Bart: I'm prepared to make that sacrifice.
Lisa: What if he...
Bart: You don't want to know how far I'll go.


Lisa: What do you say to a boy to let him know you're not interested?
Marge: Well, honey, when I...
Homer: Let me handle this, Marge; I've heard 'em all. I like you as a friend... I think we should see other people... I no speak English...
Lisa: I get the idea.
Homer: I'm married to the sea... I don't want to kill you, but I will...


Attention everyone, this is Principal Skinner. Some student, possibly Bart Simpson, has been circulating candy hearts with crude off-color sentiments.


Ms. Hoover: You may now exchange valentines.
Ralph: Miss Hoover, I glued my head to my shoulder.


Ralph: My parents won't let me use scissors. [kids laugh at him]
Ms. Hoover: The children have a right to laugh at you, Ralph. These things couldn't cut butter. Now, take out your red crayons.
Ralph: Miss Hoover?
Ms. Hoover: Yes, Ralph?
Ralph: I don't have a red crayon.
Ms. Hoover: Why not?
Ralph: I ate it.


Hey, baby. My shirt's chafing me. Mind if I take it off? ... I don't believe it, now my pants are chafing me.


So the children learned how to function as a society, and eventually they were rescued by, oh, let's say... Moe.


Homer: Hey, you don't look so rich.
Bill Gates: Don't let the haircut fool you, I'm exceedingly wealthy.


Ned: Maude and I sell religious foot rugs over the internet.
Homer: Internet, eh?
Ned: Yes indeedy, making some good scratch too.
Homer: Scratch, eh?
Ned: Yep!
Homer: Maude, eh?


Order! Do you kids want to be like the real UN? Or do you just want to squabble and waste time?


Sherri: This is all Lisa's fault! She had the idea of that stupid UN club!
Lisa: Hey, Martin stood for the motion. It's entirely his fault!
Nelson: People, people, let's not blame each other. We all know this is Milhouse's fault!


I'm so hungry I could eat at Arby's.


Smell ya later, Bart. Smell ya later forever.


I can't believe "smell ya later" replaced good-bye.


According to the latest polls, Americans have emphatically said, "smell ya later," to President Simpson's refund adjustment.


She blinds everybody with her super high beams, She's a squirrel-squashin', deer smackin' drivin' machine, Canyonero! Canyonero!


12 yards long, 2 lanes wide, 65 tons of American pride! Canyonero! Canyonero! Top of the line in utility sports, Unexplained fires are a matter for the courts! Canyonero! Canyonero!


Can you name the truck with four wheel drive, Smells like a steak and seats thirty five? Canyonero! Canyonero! Well, it goes real slow with the hammer down, It's the country-fried truck endorsed by a clown, Canyonero! Canyonero!


Don't you hate pants?


The important thing was that I had an onion tied to my belt, which was the style at the time.


Blue-haired Lawyer: What about that tattoo on your chest? Doesn't it say "Die Bart, Die"?
Sideshow Bob: No that's German for "The Bart, The."
Parole Officer: No one who speaks German could be an evil man.
Parole Officer: Parole granted!


Sideshow Bob: Bart Simpson? That spirited little scamp who twice foiled my evil schemes and sent me to this dank, urine soaked hellhole.
Parole Officer: Uh...We object to the term: "urine soaked hellhole," when you could have said: "pee pee soaked heckhole."


Agent: Now, when I say, "Hello, Mr. Thompson," and press down on your foot, you smile and nod.
Homer: No problem.
Agent: Hello, Mr. Thompson! [presses on Homer's foot]
Homer: [whispers to other agent] I think he's talking to you.


I checked around. The girls are calling you ''fatty-fat fat fat'', and Nelson's planning to pull down your pants, but...nobody's trying to kill you.


Bart: Take him away, boys.
Wiggum: Hey, I'm the chief here! Bake 'em away, toys.
Lou: What'd you say, chief?
Wiggum: Do what the kid said.


Simpson? I'm giving you 'til the count of three to come out. One, two, three. [Pauses] I've done all I can do.


[Answering the phone] You'll have to speak up, I'm wearing a towel.


Oh, I have three kids and no money. Why can't I have no kids and three money?


We're not going anywhere. I'm going to do what Bart should have told me to do a long time ago.


Willie hears ya, Willie don't care.


Marge: There's something about flying a kite at night that's so unwholesome.
Bart: [Bart creepily looks up at his mom] Hello, Mother dear.


In this house we obey the laws of thermodynamics!


Oh, I hate these floodpants. [Milhouse opens the door and water rushes in] Hey, they're working! My feet are soaked but my cuffs are bone dry! Everything's coming up Milhouse!


Ralph Wiggum: Can you open my milk, Mommy?
Ms. Hoover: I'm not Mommy, Ralph. I'm Miss Hoover.


Now get out. You're banned from this historical society. You and your children, and your children's children... for three months.


A noble spirit embiggens the smallest man!


Mrs. Krabappel: "Embiggens?" Hmm, I never heard that word before I moved to Springfield.
Ms. Hoover: I don't know why. It's a perfectly cromulent word.


At the risk of editorializing, these women are guilty, and must be dealt with in a harsh and brutal fashion. Otherwise, their behavior could incite other women leading to anarchy of biblical proportions. It's in "Revelations", people!


Lisa: Mr. Hutz, why are you burning all your personal papers?
Lionel Hutz: As of this moment, Lionel Hutz no longer exists. Say hello to Miguel Sanchez!


Hutz: Mr. Simpson, I was just going through your garbage, and I couldn't help overhearing that you need a babysitter. Of course, being a highly-skilled attorney, my fee is $175 an hour.
Homer: We pay eight dollars for the night, and you can take two popsicles out of the freezer.
Hutz: Three.
Homer: Two.
Hutz: OK, two. And I get to keep this old bird cage.
Homer: Done!
Hutz: [proudly] Still got it.


Homer: Marge, you can't go out on Saturday! That's our special night.
Marge: What's so special about it?
Homer: What's so... oh, I don't know. A little show called "Dr. Quinn: Medicine Woman"?


Oh, sure, like lawyers work in big skyscrapers and have secretaries. Look at him! He's wearing a belt. That's Hollywood for you.


Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You might remember me from such telethons as "Out With Gout '88" and "Let's Save Tony Orlando's House."


Skinner: You're stealing a table?
Homer: I'm not stealin' it. Hotels expect you to take a few things. It's a souvenir.
Skinner: Ah. Is that my necktie you're wearing?
Homer: Souvenir.


Homer: What does "sequestered" mean?
Skinner: If the jury is deadlocked, they are put in a hotel together so they can't communicate with the outside world.
Homer: What does "deadlocked" mean?
Skinner: It's when the jury can't agree on a verdict.
Homer: Uh-huh. And "if"?
Skinner: A conjunction meaning, "in the event that", or, "on condition that."
Homer: So "if" we don't all vote the same way we'll be "deadlocked" and have to be "sequestered" in the Springfield Palace Hotel.


Dr. Hibbert: Well, only one in two million people has what we call the "evil gene". Hitler had it, Walt Disney had it, and Freddy Quimby has it.
Lionel Hutz: Thank you, Dr. Hibbert. I rest my case.
Judge: You rest your case?
Lionel Hutz: What? Oh no, I thought that was just a figure of speech. Case closed.


Ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to prove to you not only that Freddy Quimby is guilty, but that he is also innocent of not being guilty.


Now, it's illegal to televise court proceedings in this state... [Whispering] so we'll have to be quiet.


It's chowdah. Say it right!


A spoor! Hmm-- His brand of gum, Doublemint. Trying to double your fun, eh, Bart? Well, I'll double your detention. [Chuckles] I wish someone was around to hear that.


Why, there are no children here at the 4-H club, either. Am I so out of touch? No, it's the children who are wrong.


[Reading Bart's excuse note]
"Please excuse my handwriting, I've busted whichever hand it is I write with, signed 'Mrs. Simpson'." You were right to be suspicious, Edna.


To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems.


Marge: I'm tired of looking like the world's worst mother.
Homer: Oh, honey, you're not the world's worst mother. What about that freezer lady in Georgia?


Parades just bring out so many emotions in me! Joy, excitement, looking...


Oooh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix.


Snake: Yo, um, I must've, like, fell on a bullet, and it, like, drove itself into my gut.
Dr. Nick: Hey, don't worry. You don't have to make up stories here. Save that for court!


Bart: You made all that money for sitting around and watching TV and eating food?
Lisa: There's a lot more to it than that, Bart. I don't just babysit. I sell peace of mind for a dollar an hour. Two dollars after 9 o'clock.


Marge: Ooh, that sounds fabulous, Homer. Stores throw the best parties.
Homer: You like parties, huh? Well, I just remembered they're having a big one down at the waterfront this weekend.
Marge: You didn't remember that. You just saw it on TV.
Homer: The important thing is I didn't imagine it.


Comic Book Guy: Last night's Itchy & Scratchy was, without a doubt, the worst episode ever. Rest assured, I was on the Internet within minutes, registering my disgust throughout the world.
Bart: Hey, I know it wasn't great, but what right do you have to complain?
Comic Book Guy: As a loyal viewer, I feel they owe me.
Bart: What? They've given you thousands of hours of entertainment for free! What could they possibly owe you? If anything, you owe them!
Comic Book Guy: Worst episode ever.


One, Poochie needs to be louder, angrier, and have access to a time machine. Two, whenever Poochie's not on screen, all the other characters should be asking "Where's Poochie"?


Scratchy: Well, look who's here!
Itchy: Hi, Poochie. You look like you've got something to say. Do you?
Poochie: Yes, I certainly do! I have to go now. My planet needs me.
[NOTE- Poochie died on his way back to his home planet.]


Sharry Bobbins: Hello, I'm Sharry Bobbins.
Homer: Did you say Mary Pop-?
Sharry Bobbins: No! I definitely did not! I'm an original creation, like Rickey Rouse and Monald Muck.


Homer: So, Mr. Burns is gonna make us all go on a stupid corporate retreat up in the mountains to learn about teamwork. Which means we'll have to cancel our plans to hang around here.
Bart: Teamwork is overrated.
Homer: Huh?
Bart: Think about it. I mean, what team was Babe Ruth on? Who knows.
Lisa and Marge: Yankees.


Bart: Sharing is a bunch of bull, too. And helping others. And what's all this crap I've been hearing about tolerance?
Homer: Hmm. Your ideas are intriguing to me and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter.


Lenny: Well, we made it here first. All thanks to teamwork.
Carl: Yeah, my teamwork.


Mr. Burns: We have several hours before the others arrive, let's say we get comfy. [turns on the fuse box] Now we have electricity. [turns on the gas] This propane tank will supply us with heat. And this doorknob, properly turned, will allow us access to the cabin.
Homer: No going through the window for us!


Smithers: Each two-man team will work its way through the wilderness to a cabin hidden somewhere on this mountain. The routes are treacherous, so use your maps.
Homer: [raising his hand] Uh, I lost my map.
Smithers: You haven't been issued a map, yet.


Homer: You know, Mr. Burns, you're the richest guy I know. Way richer than Lenny.
Mr. Burns: Oh, yes. But I'd trade it all for a little more.


Carl: According to the map, the cabin should be right here.
Lenny: Hey, maybe there is no cabin. Maybe it's one of them, um, metaphorical things.
Carl: Oh, yeah, yeah. Like maybe the "cabin" is the place inside each of us created by our goodwill and teamwork.
Lenny: Oh. Nah, they said there'd be sandwiches.


Mr. Burns: If you can take advantage of a situation in some way, it's your duty as an American to do it. Why should the race always be to the swift, or the Jumble to the quick-witted? Should they be allowed to win merely because of the gifts God gave them? Well I say, "Cheating is the gift man gives himself."
Homer: Mr. Burns, I insist that we cheat!


Homer, did you stick your head in the shine-o ball-o?


Here's Bart sleeping. Here he is dozing... here he is after a visit from the sandman. Ooh, here's nappy time, Bart! Here's a cute one: he's all tuckered out.


Lisa: Why aren't there any pictures of Maggie?
Homer: Well I'm glad you asked. It's actually a very interesting story. It all began about two years ago before Maggie was even born... Bart, you were Lisa's age and Lisa, you were... the age Bart was several years ago.


Lisa: Why don't we all look at the photo album?
Homer: So many memories. Aw, look ... Knightboat.
Bart and Lisa: Aww...
Homer: And here's our TV next to the mirror! It looks like we have two.
Bart and Lisa: Wow, two!


Homer: Ah, another perfect day in my perfect life with my perfect job.
Chief Wiggum: Hey, just heard the news over the squawk box. That's nice work, Homer.
Homer: Thank you, thank you very much. It is nice work.
Apu: Oh, Mr. Simpson, I have just heard about the little bundle of joy. Congratulations, sir!
Homer: It's true, the bundle is little, but I'm not in it for the money.
Moe: Hey, Homer! Way to get Marge pregnant! Haha...
Homer: This is getting very abstract, but thank you, I do enjoy working at the bowling alley. ... Hey, wait a second... What are all these presents? It looks like you're showering Marge with gifts... hmm... With little tiny baby-sized gifts. Well, I'll be in the tub.
Maude: Oh and by the way, congratulations on your new job, Homer.
Homer: New job? Marge is pregnant!? Nooooooooo! Aahhhhhhh!


Homer: This was the happiest time of my life. I'll never forget you guys. Especially you, Joey.
Joey: See you 'round, Mr. Homer.
Homer: Don't worry, Joey, we'll make it to California some day.
Joey: Sure we will, Mr. Homer, sure we will.


Judge Harm: Silence in my courtroom! Grand theft auto?
Bart: It was an accident, ma'am.
Judge Harm: Don't spit on my cupcake and tell me it's frosting!


Judge Harm: Bartholomew Simpson, I am sentencing you to 5 years in juvenile hall. ... Huh?
Judge Snyder: Well, I'm back from my vacation.
Judge Harm: But I was about to pound the gavel, making the sentence official!
Judge Snyder: Sorry, but I put my clown down.
Judge Harm: But, I was going to--
Judge Snyder: The clown is down.


Marge... this is everything I've ever dreamed of right here - and no one's going to take it away from me! You never had faith in me before, but let me tell you - the slim lazy Homer you knew is dead! Now I'm a big fat dynamo! And where's that cake?


Mr. Burns: Homer, your bravery and quick thinking have turned a potential Chernobyl into a mere Three-Mile Island. Bravo!
Lisa: I think it's ironic that Dad saved the day, while a slimmer man would've fallen to his death.
Bart: And I think it's ironic that, for once, Dad's butt prevented the spread of toxic gas.


I heard your dad went into a restaurant and ate everything in the restaurant and they had to close the restaurant!


All my life I've been an obese man trapped inside a fat man's body.


I don't want to look like a weirdo. I'll just go with the muumuu.


If a cow ever got the chance, he’d eat you and everyone you care about.


The only thing I am high on is love! Love for my son and daughters. Yes, a little L.S.D. is all I need!


Ned, have you considered any of the other major religions? They're all pretty much the same.


Congratulations, Bart Simpson, you're our new Fallout Boy! That's what I would be saying if you weren't an inch too short. Next!


Director: We have got to do the "jiminy jilickers" scene again, Milhouse.
Milhouse: But we already did it. It took us seven hours, but we did it. It's done.
Director: Yes... But we have got to do it from different angles. Again and again and again and again and again.


Okay, I'm not going to give up. Solitude never hurt anyone. Emily Dickinson lived alone, and she wrote some of the most beautiful poetry the world has ever known... then went crazy as a loon.


Marge: Now about your punishment, young man.
Bart: I know, I'll go to my room and think about what I did.
Homer: Oh, no, your room is full of toys. You're going to the, uh, garage.
Bart: You're the boss.


Lisa: It's not my nature to complain, but so far today we've had three movies, two filmstrips, and an hour and a half of magazine time. I just don't feel challenged.
Principal Skinner: Of course we could make things more challenging, Lisa, but then the stupider students would be in here complaining, furrowing their brows in a vain attempt to understand the situation.


By 1964, experts say man will have established twelve colonies on the moon, ideal for family vacations. Once there, you'll weigh only a small percentage of what you weigh on Earth. Slow down, tubby! You're not on the moon yet!


Homer: Barney, where have you been?
Barney: All I can remember about the last two months is giving a guest lecture at Villanova. Or maybe it was a street corner.


Homer: Now, what do you have to wash that awful taste out of my mouth?
Khlav Kalash Vendor: Mountain Dew or Crab Juice.
Homer: Blecch! Ew! Sheesh! I'll take a crab juice.


Mr. Plow, for making it possible for people to get where they're going without resorting to public transportation or carpooling, I give you the key to the city.


It may be on a lousy channel, but The Simpsons are on TV!


Are you tired of having your hands cut off by snowblowers? And the inevitable heart attacks that come with shoveling snow?


She'll go 300 hectares on a single tank of kerosene.


Do you come with the car?


Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such educational films as "Two Minus Three Equals Negative Fun" and "Firecrackers: The Silent Killer".


Bart, Homer: You don't win friends with salad! You don't win friends with salad! You don't win friends with salad...


Principal Skinner: Uh oh. Two independent thought alarms in one day. The students are overstimulated. Willie! Remove all the colored chalk from the classrooms.
Groundskeeper Willie: I warned ya! Didn't I warn ya? That colored chalk was forged by Lucifer himself.


Homer: Are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Ham?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Pork chops?
Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal.
Homer: Heh heh heh. Ooh, yeah, right, Lisa. A wonderful, magical animal.


I'm really sorry... I kind of traded your soul to the guy at the comic book store. But look! I got some cool pogs. Alf pogs! Remember Alf? He's back... in pog form!


An alligator with sunglasses? Now I've seen everything.


Milhouse: A pleasure doing business with you.
Bart: Anytime, chummm... p.


Lisa: Hmmm, Pablo Neruda said "Laughter is the language of the soul."
Bart: I am familiar with the works of Pablo Neruda.


And now, please rise for our opening hymn "In The Garden Of Eden" by I. Ron Butterfly. ... Wait a minute... this sounds like rock and/or roll.


Rev. Lovejoy: No Homer, God didn't burn your house down, but he was working in the hearts of your friends be they Christian, Jew, or ... miscellaneous.
Apu: Hindu. There are seven hundred million of us.
Rev. Lovejoy: Aww, that's super.


Reverend Lovejoy: Homer, I'd like you to remember Matthew 7:26. "The foolish man who built his house upon the sand."
Homer: And you remember ... Matthew... 21:17.
Reverend Lovejoy: "And he left them and went out of the city, into Bethany, and he lodged there?"
Homer: Yeah. Think about it.


She's like a Milk Dud, Lis: sweet on the outside, poison on the inside.


Lisa: Don't be so hard on yourself, Bart. It's not your fault Jessica doesn't like you.
Bart: Is it my hair? My overbite? The fact that I've worn the same clothes day in, day out for the last four years?
Lisa: No, Bart. I just think you and Jessica are too different from each other to get along. She's a sweet, kind reverend's daughter and you're the devil's cabana boy


Rev. Lovejoy: Don't you ever come near my daughter again! Never have I heard such gratuitous use of the word "butt"!
Bart: But -- but -- but --


Krusty's Accountant: Let me get this straight: you took all the money you made in franchising your name, and bet it against the Harlem Globetrotters?
Krusty: I thought the Generals were due!


I've said it before and I'll say it again: democracy simply doesn't work.


And, like Icarus, the rocket foolishly soared too high, and lost control of its servo guidance mechanism, leaving us with some... six hours to live.


Uh, Lisa, the whole reason we have elected officials is so we don't have to think all the time. Just like that rainforest scare a few years back. Our officials saw there was a problem and they fixed it, didn't they?


Ah, there's nothing more exciting than science. You get all the fun of sitting still, being quiet, writing down numbers, paying attention... Science has it all.


Top of the hour, time for the morning news. But of course, there is no news yet. Everyone's still asleep in their comfy, comfy beds. Good night, everybody.


Well, I can fix her, but I won't get the parts I need for two, three weeks. And that's if I order them today. Which I won't.


TV Weatherman: There's a 75% chance of hilarity!
Homer: I like those odds.


I'm going to enjoy devouring you, Bart Simpson. Yes... I believe I'll start, as you've so often suggested, by... eating your shorts.


Homer: I've gone back to the time when dinosaurs weren't just confined to zoos! OK, don't panic -- remember the advice your father gave you on your wedding day.
[In Homer's Memory:]
Grampa: If you ever travel back in time, don't step on anything because even the tiniest change can alter the future in ways you can't imagine.


Mom, romance is dead. It was acquired by Hallmark and Disney in a hostile takeover, homogenized, and sold off piece by piece.


Hello, and welcome to the Springfield Police Department "Rescue Phone"! If you know the name of the felony being committed, press one. To choose from a list of felonies, press two. If you are being murdered, or are calling from a rotary phone, please stay on the line.
[Bart presses buttons on phone]
You have selected "regicide!" If you know the name of the King or Queen being murdered, press one.


In America, first you get the sugar, then you get the power, then you get the women.


Homer: And you didn't think I'd make any money. I found a dollar while I was waiting for the bus.
Marge: While you were out "earning" that dollar, you lost forty dollars by not going to work. The plant called and said if you don't come in tomorrow, don't bother coming in Monday.
Homer: Woo hoo! A four-day weekend.


Lawyer: Well, therefore, you certainly would never lose your temper over something as trivial as the pronunciation of 'Chowder.'
Fred Quimby: That's Chow-DAH! Chow-DAH! I'll kill you! I'll kill all of you, especially those of you in the jury!
Lawyer: Wow, that didn't go well at all. Nothing further.


Skinner: Well...maybe it was for the best. Now I... I finally have time to do what I've always wanted: write the great American novel. Mine is about a futuristic amusement park where dinosaurs are brought to life through advanced cloning techniques. I call it "Billy and the Clonasaurus."
Apu: Oh, you have got to be kidding, sir. First you think of an idea that has already been done, then you give it a title that nobody could possibly like. Didn't you think this through...
...was on the bestseller list for eighteen months! Every magazine cover had...
...most popular movies of all time, sir! What were you thinking?! I mean, thank you, come again.


Ralph: Um, Miss Hoover? There's a dog in the vents.
Miss Hoover: Ralph, remember that time you said Snagglepuss was outside?
Ralph: He was going to the bathroom.


I've argued in front of every judge in this state. Often as a lawyer.


Kids, you tried your best, and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.


Marge, I agree with you... in theory. In theory, communism works.


Marge... I think I hate Ted Koppel! No, wait, I find him informative and witty.


Ah, there's an interesting story behind this nickel. In 1957, I remember it was, I got up in the morning and made myself a piece of toast. I set the toaster to three - medium brown.


Kent Brockman: Hordes of panicky people seem to be evacuating the town for some unknown reason. Professor, without knowing precisely what the danger is, would you say it's time for our viewers to crack each other's heads open and feast on the goo inside?
Professor: Mmm, yes I would, Kent.


Mr. Simpson, don't you worry. I watched Matlock in a bar last night. The sound wasn't on, but I think I got the gist of it.


Homer: See, I've got this friend named... Joey Joe Joe Junior... Shabadoo?
Moe: That's the worst name I've ever heard.
[A man runs out of the bar in tears]
Barney: Hey, Joey Joe Joe!


Homer: Aw, twenty dollars...I wanted a peanut!
Homer's brain: Twenty dollars can buy many peanuts!
Homer: Explain how.
Homer's brain: Money can be exchanged for goods and services.


Bart: The guys who wrote this cartoon don't know squat. Itchy should have tied Scratchy's tongue with a taut-line hitch, not a sheet bend.
Lisa: Come on, Bart. Cartoons don't have to be 100% realistic.


Stupid TV! Be more funny!


Bart: Milhouse... Milhouse, wake up, quick! Look out the window!
Milhouse: No way, Bart. If I lean over, I leave myself open to wedgies, wet willies, or even the dreaded rear-admiral!


Mr. Simpson, don't you worry. I watched Matlock in a bar last night. The sound wasn't on, but I think I got the gist of it.


Homer: Look, the important thing is that we all learned a lesson. These guys learned the richness and variety of the world outside college.
Nerd: No we didn't.
Homer: Oh. Then I learned the real value of college is to study, and work hard.
Lisa: No you didn't. You only passed your course by cheating, which you always taught us was wrong.
Homer: Hmm... true.


Marge: An A+! How did you do it?
Homer: Oh, let's just say I had help from a little magic box.
Marge: You changed your grade with a computer?
Homer: D'oh!


I am so smart! I am so smart! S-M-R-T! I mean, S-M-A-R-T...


Ironic, isn't it Smithers? This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the election, and yet if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail. That's democracy for you!


Ralph: ...and when the doctor said I didn't have worms any more, that was the happiest day of my life.
Ms. Hoover: Thank you, Ralph, very graphic.


I'm an old man. I hate everything but Matlock!


Dear Mr. President, there are too many states nowadays. Please eliminate three. P.S. I am not a crackpot.


Well, Edna, for a school with no Asian kids, I think we've put on a darn good science fair.


Lyle Lanley : The name's Lanley. Lyle Lanley. And I come before you good people tonight with an idea. Probably the greatest... Aw, it's not for you. It's more of a Shelbyville idea.
Mayor Quimby: Now wait just a minute! We're twice as smart as the people of Shelbyville! Just tell us your idea and we'll vote for it!
Lyle Lanley: All right, I tell you what I'll do. I'll show you my idea! I give you the Springfield Monorail! [audience gasps] I've sold monorails to Brockway, Ogdenville, and North Haverbrook, and by gum, it put them on the map!


Leonard Nimoy: I'd say this vessel could do at least Warp 5.
[crowd laughs]
Mayor Quimby: And let me say, "May The Force be with you."
Leonard Nimoy: Do you even know who I am?
Mayor Quimby: I think I do. Weren't you one of the Little Rascals?


Marge: Homer, there's a family of possums in here.
Homer: I call the big one "Bitey."


Homer: Well, John Q. Driveway has our number. Now we play the waiting game...
[After waiting a few seconds]
Homer: Ah, the waiting game sucks. Let's play Hungry Hungry Hippos!


Oh, I guess you're only familiar with the new Batman movies. Michelle Pfeiffer ... ha! The only true Catwoman is Julie Newmar, Lee Merriwether or Eartha Kitt. And I didn't need a molded plastic suit to improve my physique. Pure West. And how come Batman doesn't dance anymore, remember the Bat-tussi?


Homer: There's a $10,000 bill in it for you.
Barney: Oh yeah? Which president's on it?
Homer: ...all of them. They're having a party. Jimmy Carter is passed out on the couch.


But the sign said "All you can eat!"


Mr. Simpson, this is the most blatant case of fraudulent advertising since my suit against the film "The NeverEnding Story".


The father of the deposed beauty queen, Homer Simpson, filled out the pageant application incorrectly. In the area under "do not write in this space" he wrote "OK".


I am not an easy man to work for. While directing "Hats Off to Chanukkah", I reduced more than one cast member to tears. Did I expect too much from fourth graders? The review, "Play Enjoyed by All", speaks for itself.


Ladies and gentlemen, I've been to Vietnam, Afghanistan, and Iraq, and I can say without hyperbole that this is a million times worse than all of them put together.


Lisa: According to Eternity Magazine, you can lose weight through subliminal learning. That's where an idea is suddenly implanted in your head without you even knowing it.
Homer: Oh Lisa, that's a load of rich creamery butter.


We take eighteen ounces of sizzling ground beef, and soak it in rich, creamery butter. Then we top it off with bacon, ham, and a fried egg. We call it the Good Morning Burger.


Dr. Hibbert: Bart, in this ward are the children who have been hurt by imitating stunts they saw on television, movies, and the legitimate stage. This little boy broke his leg trying to fly like Superman. This boy's brother hit him in the head with a wrench, mimicking a recent TV wrestling match. I won't even subject you to the horrors of our Three Stooges ward.
Marge: Gee, I never thought TV was such a dangerous influence.
Dr. Hibbert: Well, as tragic as all this is, it's a small price to pay for countless hours of top-notch entertainment.


The potential for mischief varies inversely with one's proximity to the authority figure.


What's the matter, sir? Never have I seen you look so unhappy while purchasing such a large quantity of ice cream.


Doesn't seem possible, but I guess TV has betrayed me.


When I found out about this, I went through a wide range of emotions. First I was nervous, then anxious, then wary, then apprehensive, then ... kind of sleepy, then worried, and then concerned. But now I realize that being a spaceman is something you have to do.


Well, this reporter was ... possibly a little hasty earlier and would like to ... reaffirm his allegiance to this country and its human president. It may not be perfect, but it's still the best government we have. For now.


Gentlemen, you've both worked very hard, and in a way, you're both winners. But in another more accurate way, Barney's the winner.


Reporter #1: (reporting on a space launch) Unbelievable, just imagine the logistics of weightlessness. And of course, this could have literally millions of applications here on Earth, in everything from watch making to watch repair.
Homer: Bo-ring!
Reporter #1: Now let's look at the crew a little.
Reporter #2: They're a colorful bunch. They've been dubbed "The Three Musketeers."
[the reporters chuckle]
Reporter #1: And we laugh legitimately. There's a mathematician, a different kind of mathematician, and a statistician.


You're right, Marge. Just like the time I could have met Mr. T at the mall. The entire day I kept saying, "I'll go a little later. I'll go a little later." And then when I got there, they told me he'd just left. And when I asked the mall guy if he would ever come back again, he said he didn't know. Well, I'm never going to let something like that happen again! I'm going into space right now!


Ladies and gentlemen, uh, we've just lost the picture, but what we've seen speaks for itself. The Corvair spacecraft has apparently been taken over, 'conquered' if you will, by a master race of giant space ants. It's difficult to tell from this vantage point whether they will consume the captive Earthmen or merely enslave them. One thing is for certain: there is no stopping them; the ants will soon be here. And I, for one, welcome our new insect overlords. I'd like to remind them as a trusted TV personality, I can be helpful in rounding up others to toil in their underground sugar caves.


Tonight, on Smartline: The Power plant strike. Argle bargle, or fooforaw?


Okay. Now, everyone take out your safety pencil and a circle of paper. This week, I hope we can finish our work on the letter "A".


Scorpio: Your job will be to manage and motivate them. Give 'em the benefit of your years of experience.
Homer: Don't worry, that won't take long.


Marge: Mr. Scorpio, this house is almost too good for us. I keep expecting to get the bum's rush.
Scorpio: We don't have bums in our town, Marge, and if we did they wouldn't rush. They'd be allowed to go at their own pace.


Homer: Wow, my boss!
Scorpio: Don't call me that word. I don't like things that elevate me about the other people. I'm just like you. Oh, sure, I come later in the day, I get paid a lot more and I take longer vacations, but I don't like the word "boss".


Apu: Hello. I am not interested in buying your house, but I would like to use your rest room, flip through your magazines, rearrange your carefully shelved items and handle your food products in an unsanitary manner. Ha! Now you know how it feels!
Homer: Thank you. Come again.


I've dug myself into a happy little rut here and I'm not about to hoist myself out of it.


Marge: You took a new job in a strange town without discussing it with your family?
Homer: Of course not. I wouldn't do that! ... Why not?
Marge: We have roots here, Homer. We have friends and family and library cards... Bart's lawyer is here.


Mr. Scorpio says productivity is up two percent, and it's all because of my motivational techniques! Like donuts. And the possibility of more donuts to come.


Scorpio: Hey, Homer, what's your least favorite country, Italy or France?
Homer: France.
Scorpio: Nobody ever says Italy.


Scorpio: Ingenious, isn't it, Mr. Bont?
Mr. Bont: Scorpio, you're totally mad!
Scorpio: Heh, I wouldn't point fingers, you jerk!
Mr. Bont: So, do you expect me to talk?
Scorpio: I don't expect anything from you except to die and be a very cheap funeral.


Eddie: Well, well. Steve Sax, from New York City.
Lou: I heard some guy got killed in New York City and they never solved the case. But you wouldn't know anything about that now, would you, Steve?
Steve Sax: But there are hundreds of unsolved murders in New York City.
Lou: You don't know when to keep your mouth shut, do you, Saxxy Boy?


Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.


It's like there's a party in my mouth and everyone's invited!


What makes you think this Darryl Strawberry character is better than you?


Wow, what an ending! Who'd have thought that Darth Vader was Luke Skywalker's father?


Oh, Marge. You're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.


First, let me assure you that this is not one of those shady pyramid schemes you've been hearing about. No sir. Our model is the trapezoid!


I don't know the scientific explanation, but fire made it good.


Marge: So, Mr. Hutz, does my husband have a case?
Hutz: I'm sorry, Mrs. Simpson, but you can't copyright a drink.
Homer: Oh!
Hutz: This all goes back to the Frank Wallbanger case of '78. How about that! I looked something up! These books behind me don't just make the office look good, they're filled with useful legal tidbits just like that!


Well, you know, we're always buying Maggie vaccinations for diseases she doesn't even have.


Kent Brockman: Uh, Mr. Burns, people are calling this a meltdown.
Mr. Burns: Oh, meltdown. It's one of these annoying buzzwords. We prefer to call it an unrequested fission surplus.


Fat Tony is a cancer on this fair city. He is the cancer, and I am the... um... What cures cancer?


Homer: Hello, my name is Mr. Burns. I believe you have a letter for me.
Postal Worker: Okay, Mr. Burns, uh, what's your first name?
Homer: I... don't know.


Marge, you're my wife, I love you very much, but you're living in a world of make-believe! With flowers and bells and leprechauns and magic frogs with funny little hats.


Dr. Hibbert: If you want him to live through the night, I suggest you roll him onto his stomach.
Marge: Thank you, Doctor.
Dr. Hibbert: Remember, I said, "if."


Marge, I would appreciate it if you didn't tell anyone about my busy hands. Not so much for myself, but I am so respected, it would damage the town to hear it.


Lisa: Excuse me, Mr. Hutz. Are you a shyster?
Lionel Hutz: How does a nice little girl like you know a big word like that?


Hutz is the name, Mr. Simpson. Lionel Hutz, attorney-at-law. Here's my card. It turns into a sponge when you put it in water.


Come on, Bart! Remember what Vince Lombardi said: If you lose, you're out of the family!


"Attempted murder?" Now really, what is that? Do they give a Nobel Prize for "attempted chemistry"?


Your guilty consciences may force you to vote Democratic, but deep in your hearts you long for a cold, Republican leader who'll cut taxes, brutalize criminals, and rule you like a king!


Milhouse: I'm more worried about piranhas. Did you see that movie where they send a nuclear submarine to fight the piranhas, and one of them swims right down the periscope and bites the guy in the eye, and he goes, "Aah! Aah! Aah!", and that old lady told him it would happen?
Bart: Yeah, that was pretty good.


Shoplifting is a victimless crime. Like punching someone in the dark.


Bart: When I grow up, I wanna be a lawyer just like you, Mr. Hutz.
Lionel Hutz: Good for you, son. If there's one thing this world needs, it's more lawyers. Could you imagine a world without lawyers?


Lionel Hutz: Now, Mr. Nahasapeemapetilon, if that is your real name, is it true you have never forgotten anything?
Apu: No sir. In fact, I can recite pi to 40,000 places. The last digit is 1.
Homer: Mmmmm... pie.


Lionel Hutz: Uh-oh! We've drawn Judge Snyder!
Marge: Is that bad?
Lionel Hutz: Well he's kinda had it in for me ever since I kinda ran over his dog.
Marge: You did?
Lionel Hutz: Well actually replace the word 'kinda' with 'repeatedly' and the word 'dog' with 'son'.


Bart: Mom's gonna kill you.
Homer: If she didn't want her car ruined, she should've done a better job hiding her keys.


The thing about huckleberries is, once you've had fresh, you'll never go back to canned.


Homer: Marge, if you don't mind, I'm a little busy right now achieving financial independence.
Marge: With cans of grease?
Homer: [Sarcastically] No! Through savings and wise investment. Of course with grease!


Am I the only one who just wants to play hopscotch and bake cookies and watch The McLaughlin Group?


Marge: This town is a part of who you are! This is a Springfield Isotopes Cap... when you wear it, you're wearing Springfield! When you eat a fish from our river, you're eating Springfield! When you make lemonade from our trees, you're drinking Springfield!
Bart: Mom, when you give that lecture, you're boring Springfield.


Step over this line and say that... I'll kick your butt... at Nintendo.


Okay, folks, look, I called the police captain in Shelbyville. He says he hasn't seen our kids, but if they show up in the morgue, he'll fax us.


If you get lost remember, you can always find east by staring directly at the sun.


Shelbyville Kid: Wait a minute, if you're from Shelbyville, how come we've never seen you in school?
Bart: I don't go to school.
Shelbyville Kid: Okay, what's two plus two?
Bart: Five.
Shelbyville Kid: Ah, story checks out.


This is the darkest day in the history of Springfield. If anyone wants me, I'll be in the shower.


Attention! This is Principal Skinner, your principal, with a message from the Principal's Office. All students please proceed immediately to an assembly in the Butthead Memorial Auditorium.


Hey! Apu just called. This Friday, Lisa's team is playing Bart's team. You'll be in direct competition! And I don't want you to go easy on each other just because you're brother and sister. I want to see you both fighting for your parents' love! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!


Gym Teacher: Tell you what, Simpson: I won't fail you if you join one of those peewee teams outside the school.
Lisa: You mean those leagues where parents push their kids into vicious competition to compensate for their own failed dreams of glory?
Gym Teacher: Look, I don't need this. I inhaled my favorite whistle this morning!


Me fail English? That's unpossible!


Man: In that case I sentence you to a lifetime of horror on Monster Island. [to Lisa] Don't worry, it's just a name.
[cut to Monster Island where Lisa and others are chased by fire-breathing monsters]
Lisa: He said it was just a name!
Man: What he meant is that Monster Island is actually a peninsula.

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