You know, I haven't been this upset since my good friend Taylor was rudely upstaged by my other friend, Kanye, who was defending my best friend, Beyoncé.
Michael: Did you ever take off your shoes and socks on a commercial airline?
Eleanor: And socks? Ew, who would do that?
Michael: People who go to the Bad Place, Eleanor, that's the point. And unless I can figure out a compelling reason to keep you here, you will spend eternity with murderers, and arsonists, and people who take off their shoes and socks on commercial airlines.
This is the 3:18 to the Bad Place, making thousands of stops for literally no reason. Now, you'll notice it's very hot in here, and it will get one degree hotter every time you think about how hot it is. Oops! You just thought about it.
Eleanor: You guys came to say goodbye because you're my friends.
Tahani: Well, I suppose some part of me possibly has a sense of casual kinship with you, much as one might be fond of a street cat.
So, we'll just roll on out, and you can get back to putting rainbows up your butt or whatever you do here.
I used to take her to the mall sometimes and bought her churro dogs. It's a hot dog, but the bun is two churros. And it's tied together with a Slim Jim. It's an Arizona delicacy.
Eleanor: Listen up, genius. He's going to call you in there in a second.
Jason: Don't worry, I got you. I'll just tell Michael you're the bomb and that you got a dope soul and hella ethics.
Eleanor: Oh, boy. Don't say any of that. Michael has a lie detector in there. It's a glowing cube.
Jason: Like the All-Spark? From Transformers?
You know, one of my shyest friends, I won't say his name to preserve his privacy, but he found my presence so comforting that he asked me to co-host his his TV show, Anderson Cooper 360.
You're a giant chunk of spinach in the teeth of the universe.
Showing 10 quotes.
Janet: Michael, good news. I was able to obtain Eleanor Shellstrop's file.
Michael: Is it actually a cactus?
Janet: I don't understand.
Michael: I want to see the file for Eleanor Shellstrop. Is that what you have, or do you have a cactus?
Janet: I have the file.
Michael: You're sure? You have the file and not a cactus?
Janet: That is correct. I have Eleanor Shellstrop's file. I do not have a cactus.
Michael: Excellent. Please, give me the file.
Janet: Here you go. [Hands Michael a cactus]