Quotes by Dwight Schrute: The Office (US)
Why are all these people here? There's too many people on this earth. We need a new plague.
Listen up Flenderson, you're being weak and ineffectual. I'm cowboying this meeting, ok! Here are the new rules, ok? Earth tones only. Also, women are forbidden to wear pants.
When held over heat, the invisible ink will reveal that everyone should meet at the warehouse immediately. Do not ask me where I got the invisible ink. Urine. It was urine.
Yes, I am taking Andy hunting after work. Not long ago we were sexual competitors. I used to hate him, hate him, hate him, hate him. I studied him, to figure out why I hated him so much. But that blossomed into a very real friendship, as these things often do.
As a farmer, I know that when an animal is sick, sometimes the right thing to do, is to put it out of its misery. With the electricity we're keeping Meredith alive, we could power a small fan for two days. You tell me what's unethical.
Oh, you know that line on the top of the shrimp? That's feces.
There was a terrible war, ugh, so many died. Far too many died. But if Frodo hadn't destroyed the ring, then goodness itself might have died.
Michael always says, 'K-I-S-S: keep it simple, stupid.' Great advice. Hurts my feelings every time.
When my mother was pregnant with me, they did an ultrasound and found she was having twins, and they did another ultrasound a few weeks later, they discovered that I had resorbed the other fetus. Do I regret this? No. I believe his tissues made me stronger. I now have the strength of a grown man and a little baby.
Michael: Sounds like a good dentist. What's his name?
Dwight: ... Crentist.
Michael: Your dentist's name is Crentist?
Michael: Hah, sounds a lot like dentist.
Dwight: Maybe that's why he became a dentist.
Five minutes ahead of schedule... Right on schedule.
Dwight: Michael, what is the meaning of this email that everyone got?
Michael: You'll have to be more specific, Dwight. I get like eight emails a day.
Can't a guy just buy some bagels for his friends so they'll owe him a favor which he can use to get someone fired who stole a co-manager position from him anymore? Jeez. When did everyone get soo cynical?
You know, I really would've appreciated a heads up that you were into dating mothers. I would've introduced you to mine.
Dwight: Seasick? Captain Jack says to watch the moon.
Michael: Captain Jack's a fart face.
Michael: Try not to be such an idiot.
Dwight: Is that an insult or is that part of the public speaking advice?
Jim: Dwight, if you could travel anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Dwight: I can travel anywhere, except Cuba, and I will travel to New Zealand and walk the Lord of the Rings trail to Mordor and I will hike Mount Doom.
When I was in the 6th grade I was a finalist in our school spelling bee. It was me against Raj Patel. I mispelled, in front of the entire school, the word 'failure.'
Would I ever leave this company? Look, I'm all about loyalty. In fact, I feel like part of what I'm being paid for here is my loyalty. But if there were somewhere else that valued loyalty more highly, I'm going wherever they value loyalty the most.
No, don't call me a hero. Do you know who the real heroes are? The guys, who wake up every morning, and go into their normal jobs, and get a distress call from the commissioner, and take off their glasses and change into capes and fly around fighting crime. Those are the real heroes.
Phyllis: Ow! My ankle!
Dwight: What happened?
Phyllis: I... twisted it.
Dwight: You weren't even moving.
[Phyllis walks off the volleyball court]
Schrute Farms is very easy to find. It's right in the middle of the root vegetable district. If the soil starts to get acidic, you've gone too far.
Jim: Well this isn't my best, but call Froggy 101, say that we're the tour manager for Justin Bieber, and we're giving away free tickets. We give him a number to call for the tickets and it's his own number.
Dwight: Who is Justice Beaver?
Jim: ...He's a crime fighting beaver.
All that singing got in the way of some perfectly good murders.
I always knew I would be destroyed by my own creation, but honestly I thought it would be that bull that Mose and I are trying to reanimate.
Dwight: I bet you get pulled over by the cops a lot because of your race.
Kelly: Well they say it's because of texting, but maybe you're right.
They say that no man is an island. False! I am an island and this island is volcanic. And it is about to erupt. With the molten hot lava of strategy!
Can't a guy just buy some bagels for his friends so they'll owe him a favor which he can use to get someone fired who stole a co-manager position from him anymore? Geez. When did everyone get so cynical?
Jim is my enemy, but it turns out that Jim is also his own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So Jim is actually my friend. But, because he is his own worst enemy, the enemy of my friend is my enemy. So actually, Jim is my enemy. But—
This remedy has been passed down in my family for generations and it always works. My grandfather was told that Diamond Dancer would never race again. They were wrong. He came in ninth in the Apple Creek Derby. And his jerky came in third the following year. A majestic beast. So fast...so tender.
Are you trying to hurt my feelings? Because if so, you are succeeding. Fortunately, my feelings regenerate at twice the speed of a normal man's.
Dwight: Second Life is not a game. It is a multi-user, virtual environment. It doesn't have points or scores. It doesn't have winners or losers.
Jim: Oh, it has losers.
When I die, I want to be frozen. And if they have to freeze me in pieces, so be it. I will wake up stronger than ever, because I will have used that time to figure out exactly why I died. And what moves I could have used to defend myself better now that I know what hold he had me in.
As of this morning, we are completely wireless here on Schrute Farms. As soon as I find out where Mose hid all the wires, we'll have that power back on.
I am not a bad person. When I left Staples, I took some of their leads with me but I never intended to use them. What did I intend to do with them? Who knows. Maybe keep them as a souvenir. Maybe use them.
I just wanna be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.
Whenever I'm about to do something, I think, "Would an idiot do that?" And if they would, I do not do that thing.
I saw "Wedding Crashers" accidentally. I bought a ticket for "Grizzly Man" and went into the wrong theater. After an hour, I figured I was in the wrong theater, but I kept waiting. Cause that’s the thing about bear attacks... they come when you least expect it.
I don't care what Jim says, that is not the real Ben Franklin. I am 99% sure.
Jim: I don't have a lot of contact with the Scranton branch, but before I left I took a box of Dwight's stationary. So from time to time, I send Dwight faxes... from himself... from the future.
Dwight: [reading fax] "Dwight, at 8:00 AM today someone poisons the coffee. Do not drink the coffee. More instructions to follow. Cordially, future Dwight." [seeing Stanley with coffee] NOOOOOOO! [knocks coffee out of Stanley's hand] You'll thank me later.
Security in this office park is a joke. Last year I came to work with my spud-gun in a duffle bag. I sat at my desk all day with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I was deranged?
Why tip someone for a job I'm capable of doing myself? I can deliver food. I can drive a taxi. I can, and do, cut my own hair. I did, however, tip my urologist, because I am unable to pulverize my own kidney stones.
Women are like wolves. If you want a wolf, you have to trap it. Snare it. Then to keep it happy, you have to tame it. Feed it, care for it. Lovingly. The way an animal deserves to be loved. And my animal deserves a lot of loving.
I come from a long line of fighters. My maternal grandfather was the toughest guy I ever knew. World War Two veteran. Killed twenty men then spent the rest of the war in an Allied prison camp. My father... battled blood pressure and obesity all his life. Different kind of fight.
I have been Michael’s number two guy for about 5 years, and we make a great team. We’re like one of those classic famous teams. He’s like Mozart and I’m like... Mozart's friend. No. I’m like Butch Cassidy and Michael is like... Mozart. You try and hurt Mozart, you’re gonna get a bullet in the head, courtesy of Butch Cassidy.
The purse girl hits everything on my checklist: creamy skin, straight teeth, curly hair, amazing breasts. Not for me, for my children. The Schrutes produce very thirsty babies.
Dwight: Do you want to form an alliance with me?
Jim: Absolutely I do.
I'm a deer hunter; I go all the time with my dad. One thing about deer? They have very good vision. One thing about me? I'm better at hiding than they are at vision.
Dwight: Someone forged medical information, and that is a felony.
Jim: Okay. Whoa, all right, 'cause that's a pretty intense accusation. How do you know that they're fake?
Dwight: [reading] Uh, "Leprosy. Flesh-eating bacteria. Hot-dog fingers. Government-created killer nanorobot infection."
Pam: Based on stereotypes that are completely untrue, you may be a bad driver.
Dwight: Oh, man! Am I a woman?
Downsizing? I have no problem with that. I have been recommending downsizing since I first got here. I even brought it up in my interview. I say, bring it on.
Did I want to be made manager? Sure. A great opportunity squandered? Absolutely. A crushing blow? Yes. Will I get over it? ... No. But life goes on ... not for me.
[Jim sits down, dressed as Dwight]
Jim: Question: What kind of bear is best?
Dwight: That's a ridiculous question.
Jim: False. Black bear.
Dwight: That's debatable. There are basically two schools of thought...
Jim: Fact: Bears eat beets. Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica.
With the electricity we're using to keep Meredith alive, we could power a small fan for two days. You tell me what's unethical.
Once I'm officially regional manager, my first order of business will be to demote Jim Halpert. So I will need a new number two. My ideal choice? Jack Bauer. But he is unavailable. Fictional. And overqualified.
Dwight: Don't you want to earn Schrute bucks?
Stanley: No. In fact, I'll give you a billion Stanley nickels if you never talk to me again.
Dwight: What's the ratio of Stanley nickels to Schrute bucks?
Stanley: The same as the ratio of unicorns to leprechauns.
A 30-year mortgage at Michael's age essentially means that he's buying a coffin. If I were buying my coffin, I would get one with thicker walls so I couldn't hear the other dead people.
Dwight: Through concentration, I can raise and lower my cholesterol at will.
Pam: Why would you want to raise your cholesterol?
Dwight: So I can lower it.
In the wild, there is no health care. In the wild, health care is, 'Ow, I hurt my leg. I can't run. A lion eats me. I'm dead.' Well, I'm not dead. I'm the lion. You're dead.
Mr. Brown: At Diversity Today, we believe it's very easy to be a hero. All you need are honesty, empathy, respect, and open-mindedness.
Dwight: Uh, excuse me? I'm sorry, but that's not all it takes to be a hero.
Mr. Brown: Great, well, what is a hero to you?
Dwight: A hero kills people, people that wish him harm. A hero is part human and part supernatural. A hero is born out of a childhood trauma, or out of a disaster, that must be avenged.
Mr. Brown: Uh, you're thinking of a superhero.
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