Quotes by Kent Brockman: The Simpsons
Ladies and gentlemen, what you are seeing is a total disregard for the things St. Patrick's Day stand for. All this drinking, violence, destruction of property. Are these the things we think of when we think of the Irish?
Bart: [drunk] What are you looking at?
Kent Brockman: "What are you looking at?": the innocent words of a drunken child. Well, I'll tell you what we're looking at, young man. A town gone mad. A town whose very conscious was washed away in a tide of beer and green vomit.
A new challenger has emerged out of nowhere. He’s running on sheer pluck, moxy and grit. All of which he’ll be tested for after the race.
Lisa: I just think it's a fantasy. If you believe in angels, why not sea monsters, unicorns or leprechauns?
Kent Brockman: Oh, that's a bunch of baloney, Lisa. Everyone knows leprechauns are extinct.
In other news, Thomas Edison, the greatest inventor of all time, is apparently still inventing, despite the notable handicap of being dead.
Arnie Pie: [describing Homer's movements from the news helicopter] He's jumping out of the car, Kent! He's trying to climb over the fence! Now he's realizing he's too fat. He's digging a hole like a dog. Now he's given up on that and he's running back and forth. He's climbing into a pipe and he seems to be stuck. His legs are dangling in a comical fashion. Oh, it's the saddest thing I've ever seen.
Kent Brockman: Arnie, Arnie, how are the children?
Arnie Pie: I can't see through metal, Kent!
Roads closed, pipes frozen, albinos... virtually invisible. The Weather Service has upgraded Springfield's blizzard from "Winter Wonderland" to a "Class 3 Kill-Storm!"
Of course, it would be wrong to suggest this sort of mayhem began with rock-and-roll. After all, there were riots at the premiere of Mozart's "The Magic Flute." So, what's the answer? Ban all music? In this reporter’s opinion, the answer, sadly, is yes.
Kent Brockman: So, it seems we've all been victims of a cruel hoax, masterminded by a 10-year old hooligan. The time has come for finger-pointing, and most of them are squarely aimed at the boy's parents.
Homer: It's not our fault! We didn't want the boy, he was an accident!
According to the latest polls, Americans have emphatically said, "smell ya later," to President Simpson's refund adjustment.
At the risk of editorializing, these women are guilty, and must be dealt with in a harsh and brutal fashion. Otherwise, their behavior could incite other women leading to anarchy of biblical proportions. It's in "Revelations", people!
Now, it's illegal to televise court proceedings in this state... [Whispering] so we'll have to be quiet.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: democracy simply doesn't work.
And, like Icarus, the rocket foolishly soared too high, and lost control of its servo guidance mechanism, leaving us with some... six hours to live.
Kent Brockman: Hordes of panicky people seem to be evacuating the town for some unknown reason. Professor, without knowing precisely what the danger is, would you say it's time for our viewers to crack each other's heads open and feast on the goo inside?
Professor: Mmm, yes I would, Kent.
The father of the deposed beauty queen, Homer Simpson, filled out the pageant application incorrectly. In the area under "do not write in this space" he wrote "OK".
Ladies and gentlemen, I've been to Vietnam, Afghanistan, and Iraq, and I can say without hyperbole that this is a million times worse than all of them put together.
Well, this reporter was ... possibly a little hasty earlier and would like to ... reaffirm his allegiance to this country and its human president. It may not be perfect, but it's still the best government we have. For now.
Ladies and gentlemen, uh, we've just lost the picture, but what we've seen speaks for itself. The Corvair spacecraft has apparently been taken over, 'conquered' if you will, by a master race of giant space ants. It's difficult to tell from this vantage point whether they will consume the captive Earthmen or merely enslave them. One thing is for certain: there is no stopping them; the ants will soon be here. And I, for one, welcome our new insect overlords. I'd like to remind them as a trusted TV personality, I can be helpful in rounding up others to toil in their underground sugar caves.
Tonight, on Smartline: The Power plant strike. Argle bargle, or fooforaw?
Kent Brockman: Uh, Mr. Burns, people are calling this a meltdown.
Mr. Burns: Oh, meltdown. It's one of these annoying buzzwords. We prefer to call it an unrequested fission surplus.
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