Mr. Burns

13 quotes.

Quoted in: The Simpsons

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Quotes by Mr. Burns: The Simpsons

You there, fill it up with petroleum distillate, and re-vulcanize my tires, post-haste!


Mr. Burns: If it's a crime to love one's country, then I'm guilty. And if it's a crime to steal a trillion dollars from our government, and hand it over to communist Cuba, then I'm guilty of that too. And if it's a crime to bribe a jury, then so help me, I'll soon be guilty of that.
Homer: God bless America!


The man has no idea how to behave like a billionaire. Where's the dignity? Where's the contempt for the common man?


Look at them all, through the darkness I am bringing. They're not sad at all. They're actually singing. They sing without juicers. They sing without blenders. They sing without flungers, cabdabblers, and smendlers!


This is a thousand monkeys working at a thousand typewriters. Soon they'll have written the greatest novel known to man. Let's see. It was the best of times, it was the *blurst* of times! You stupid monkey!


Mr. Burns: No, Smithers, I've decided to bring in a few ringers. Professional baseballers. We'll give them token jobs at the plant and have them play on our softball team. Honus Wagner, Cap Anson, Mordecai "Three Finger" Brown...
Smithers: Sir?
Mr. Burns: What is it, Smithers?
Smithers: I'm afraid all those players have retired and... passed on. In fact, your right fielder has been dead for 130 years.


Mr. Burns: Mattingly! I thought I told you to trim those sideburns! Go home! You're off the team for good!
Don Mattingly: Fine! [to himself] I still like him better than Steinbrenner.


Mr. Burns: We have several hours before the others arrive, let's say we get comfy. [turns on the fuse box] Now we have electricity. [turns on the gas] This propane tank will supply us with heat. And this doorknob, properly turned, will allow us access to the cabin.
Homer: No going through the window for us!


Homer: You know, Mr. Burns, you're the richest guy I know. Way richer than Lenny.
Mr. Burns: Oh, yes. But I'd trade it all for a little more.


Mr. Burns: If you can take advantage of a situation in some way, it's your duty as an American to do it. Why should the race always be to the swift, or the Jumble to the quick-witted? Should they be allowed to win merely because of the gifts God gave them? Well I say, "Cheating is the gift man gives himself."
Homer: Mr. Burns, I insist that we cheat!


Mr. Burns: Homer, your bravery and quick thinking have turned a potential Chernobyl into a mere Three-Mile Island. Bravo!
Lisa: I think it's ironic that Dad saved the day, while a slimmer man would've fallen to his death.
Bart: And I think it's ironic that, for once, Dad's butt prevented the spread of toxic gas.


Ironic, isn't it Smithers? This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the election, and yet if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail. That's democracy for you!


Kent Brockman: Uh, Mr. Burns, people are calling this a meltdown.
Mr. Burns: Oh, meltdown. It's one of these annoying buzzwords. We prefer to call it an unrequested fission surplus.

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