Lisa Simpson


Quoted in: The Simpsons

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Quotes by Lisa Simpson: The Simpsons

Bart: Nothing you say can upset us. We're the MTV generation.
Lisa: We feel neither highs or lows.
Homer: Really? What's it like?
Lisa: Ehh.

[riding on a pony] Mom, look, I found something more fun than complaining!

Lisa: You're very lucky to have Mom.
Homer: That's your advice? Go to bed!

Milhouse, knock him down if he's in your way! Jimbo, Jimbo, go for the face! Ralph Wiggum lost his shin guard! Hack the bone! Hack the bone.

Homer: Okay, little buddy, hop in! [Bart steps forward] Ah bah! I mean my little girl buddy.
Lisa: That's very nice, Dad, but it's wrong for you to reward violent, competitive behavior. However, I will sit up front with you if it's a fatherly gesture of love.
Homer: Okay, hon. [Lisa gets in the car] Sucker! Competitive violence! That's why you're here!

Nelson: [beating up Bart] This is for wasting teacher's valuable time!
Lisa: Lay off, guys! He's with me.
Jimbo: It's a lucky coincidence you happen to be your sister's brother.

Bart: Lisa, certain difference, rivalries if you will, have come up between us. At first I thought we could talk it over like civilized people, but instead...I just ripped the head off Mr. Honeybunny!
Lisa: Bart that was your cherished childhood toy.
Bart: (realizes what he did) Aaah! Mr. Honeybunny!

They want sentiment? I'll pump 'em so full of sap they'll have to blow their nose with a pancake!

Lisa: I just think it's a fantasy. If you believe in angels, why not sea monsters, unicorns or leprechauns?
Kent Brockman: Oh, that's a bunch of baloney, Lisa. Everyone knows leprechauns are extinct.

Commentator: [describing the batter at a baseball game] He's pointing to the stands, possibly at a dying little boy.
Bart: [after realizing he's been pointed at] Mom, am I dying?!
Marge: No.
Lisa: [whispering] Is he, Mom? You can tell me.
Marge: No!

Homer: Stupid Isotopes. Hurry up and lose so we can get outta here!
Lisa: Why do you hate the Isotopes so much, Dad?
Homer: Because I loved them once and they broke my heart. Let that be a lesson to you, sweetie. Never love anything.

Lisa: You promised to take us to the lake.
Homer: I promise you kids lots of things. That's what make me such a good father.
Lisa: Actually, keeping promises would make you a good father.
Homer: No that would make me a great father.

Lisa: Dad, women won't like being shot in the face.
Homer: Women will like what I tell them to like.

Homer: You're cute as a bug's ear.
Lisa: Fathers have to say that stuff!
Homer: Dad, am I cute as a bug's ear?
Grampa: No, you're homely as a mule's butt!
Homer: There, see?

Ms. Hoover: Now put paste on your paper. Ralph, are you eating your paste?
Ralph: [a gluestick pokes out of his mouth] No, Miss Hoover.
Ms. Hoover: Good. Now sprinkle the sparkles onto the paper. Lisa, you're not sprinkling your sparkles.
Lisa: Shove it!

Well, I'm going to be a famous jazz musician. I've got it all figured out. I'll be unappreciated in my own country, but my gutsy blues stylings will electrify the French. I'll avoid the horrors of drug abuse, but I do plan to have several torrid love affairs, and I may or may not die young. I haven't decided.

Bart: I think Grampa smells like that trunk in the garage where the bottom's all wet.
Lisa: No, I think he smells more like a photo lab.
Homer: Stop it, you two! Grampa smells like a normal old man, which is more like a hallway in a hospital.

Lisa: I've got something for you.
Ralph: [reading a card] "Let's be friends." It says "bee," and there's a picture of a bee on it!

[Lisa reads the note with her gift, a Malibu Stacy convertible from Ralph.] "Look in the tunk." He must mean trunk.

[The doorbell rings]
Lisa: Oh no, it's Ralph! Just make up some excuse!
Homer: [answering the door] She's in the can. Go away.
Ralph: Yes, sir! I'd do anything for Lisa.

Lisa: Ralph thinks I like him but I only gave him a valentine because I felt sorry for him.
Homer: Ah, sweet pity. Where would my love life have been without it?

Ralph: That valentine sure was funny!
Lisa: I'm glad you liked it.
Ralph: It says "choo-choo-choose me" and there's a picture of a train.
Lisa: Yeah, nice gag.
Ralph: So... do you like... stuff?

Ms. Hoover: First, we're going to construct paper mailboxes to store the valentines.
Lisa: Isn't that just pointless busywork?
Ms. Hoover: Bull's-eye. Get cracking.

Bart: I'll go, disguised as you.
Lisa: What if he wants to hold hands?
Bart: I'm prepared to make that sacrifice.
Lisa: What if he wants a kiss?
Bart: I'm prepared to make that sacrifice.
Lisa: What if he...
Bart: You don't want to know how far I'll go.

Lisa: What do you say to a boy to let him know you're not interested?
Marge: Well, honey, when I...
Homer: Let me handle this, Marge; I've heard 'em all. I like you as a friend... I think we should see other people... I no speak English...
Lisa: I get the idea.
Homer: I'm married to the sea... I don't want to kill you, but I will...

Sherri: This is all Lisa's fault! She had the idea of that stupid UN club!
Lisa: Hey, Martin stood for the motion. It's entirely his fault!
Nelson: People, people, let's not blame each other. We all know this is Milhouse's fault!

Lisa: Mr. Hutz, why are you burning all your personal papers?
Lionel Hutz: As of this moment, Lionel Hutz no longer exists. Say hello to Miguel Sanchez!

Bart: You made all that money for sitting around and watching TV and eating food?
Lisa: There's a lot more to it than that, Bart. I don't just babysit. I sell peace of mind for a dollar an hour. Two dollars after 9 o'clock.

Homer: So, Mr. Burns is gonna make us all go on a stupid corporate retreat up in the mountains to learn about teamwork. Which means we'll have to cancel our plans to hang around here.
Bart: Teamwork is overrated.
Homer: Huh?
Bart: Think about it. I mean, what team was Babe Ruth on? Who knows.
Lisa and Marge: Yankees.

Lisa: Why aren't there any pictures of Maggie?
Homer: Well I'm glad you asked. It's actually a very interesting story. It all began about two years ago before Maggie was even born... Bart, you were Lisa's age and Lisa, you were... the age Bart was several years ago.

Lisa: Why don't we all look at the photo album?
Homer: So many memories. Aw, look ... Knightboat.
Bart and Lisa: Aww...
Homer: And here's our TV next to the mirror! It looks like we have two.
Bart and Lisa: Wow, two!

Mr. Burns: Homer, your bravery and quick thinking have turned a potential Chernobyl into a mere Three-Mile Island. Bravo!
Lisa: I think it's ironic that Dad saved the day, while a slimmer man would've fallen to his death.
Bart: And I think it's ironic that, for once, Dad's butt prevented the spread of toxic gas.

Okay, I'm not going to give up. Solitude never hurt anyone. Emily Dickinson lived alone, and she wrote some of the most beautiful poetry the world has ever known... then went crazy as a loon.

Marge: Now about your punishment, young man.
Bart: I know, I'll go to my room and think about what I did.
Homer: Oh, no, your room is full of toys. You're going to the, uh, garage.
Bart: You're the boss.

Lisa: It's not my nature to complain, but so far today we've had three movies, two filmstrips, and an hour and a half of magazine time. I just don't feel challenged.
Principal Skinner: Of course we could make things more challenging, Lisa, but then the stupider students would be in here complaining, furrowing their brows in a vain attempt to understand the situation.

Homer: Are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Ham?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Pork chops?
Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal.
Homer: Heh heh heh. Ooh, yeah, right, Lisa. A wonderful, magical animal.

Lisa: Hmmm, Pablo Neruda said "Laughter is the language of the soul."
Bart: I am familiar with the works of Pablo Neruda.

Lisa: Don't be so hard on yourself, Bart. It's not your fault Jessica doesn't like you.
Bart: Is it my hair? My overbite? The fact that I've worn the same clothes day in, day out for the last four years?
Lisa: No, Bart. I just think you and Jessica are too different from each other to get along. She's a sweet, kind reverend's daughter and you're the devil's cabana boy

Mom, romance is dead. It was acquired by Hallmark and Disney in a hostile takeover, homogenized, and sold off piece by piece.

Bart: The guys who wrote this cartoon don't know squat. Itchy should have tied Scratchy's tongue with a taut-line hitch, not a sheet bend.
Lisa: Come on, Bart. Cartoons don't have to be 100% realistic.

Homer: Look, the important thing is that we all learned a lesson. These guys learned the richness and variety of the world outside college.
Nerd: No we didn't.
Homer: Oh. Then I learned the real value of college is to study, and work hard.
Lisa: No you didn't. You only passed your course by cheating, which you always taught us was wrong.
Homer: Hmm... true.

Lisa: According to Eternity Magazine, you can lose weight through subliminal learning. That's where an idea is suddenly implanted in your head without you even knowing it.
Homer: Oh Lisa, that's a load of rich creamery butter.

Lisa: Excuse me, Mr. Hutz. Are you a shyster?
Lionel Hutz: How does a nice little girl like you know a big word like that?

Am I the only one who just wants to play hopscotch and bake cookies and watch The McLaughlin Group?

Gym Teacher: Tell you what, Simpson: I won't fail you if you join one of those peewee teams outside the school.
Lisa: You mean those leagues where parents push their kids into vicious competition to compensate for their own failed dreams of glory?
Gym Teacher: Look, I don't need this. I inhaled my favorite whistle this morning!

Man: In that case I sentence you to a lifetime of horror on Monster Island. [to Lisa] Don't worry, it's just a name.
[cut to Monster Island where Lisa and others are chased by fire-breathing monsters]
Lisa: He said it was just a name!
Man: What he meant is that Monster Island is actually a peninsula.

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