Quotes by Professor Farnsworth: Futurama
[Fry is presented with a large pill he is asked to swallow]
Fry: I can't swallow that.
Professor Farnsworth: Well, then good news! It's a suppository.
These old doomsday devices are dangerously unstable. I'll rest easier not knowing where they are.
What an idiot I was! And by "I", I meant "you"!
It's the Apocalypse all right. I always thought I'd have a hand in it.
Leela: [laying on a table] Is this some kind of brain scanner, Professor?
Professor Farnsworth: Of a sort. In France they call it a guillotine.
Professor Farnsworth: These bees are larger than most Buicks, and twice as ugly.
Fry: Larger than an American sedan? How big is the honeycomb?
Hermes: Honeycomb's big, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Bender: It's not small?
Hermes: No, no, no.
I must find a way to escape the horrible ravages of youth. Suddenly I'm going to the bathroom every three hours like clockwork, and those jerks at Social Security stop sending me checks. Now I have to pay them.
With my last breath, I curse Zoidberg!
Bad news, nobody! The supercollider super-exploded. I need you to take it back and exchange it for a wobbly CD rack and some of those rancid meatballs.
Good news, anyone! The Swedish robot from pi-kea is here with the supercollider I ordered.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the Angry Dome.
Cubert: [using a device that makes his voice sound like Professor Farnsworth] Good news, everyone! I'm a horse's butt!
Professor Farnsworth: I am? That's not good news at all!
A billion robot lives are about to be extinguished. Oh, the Jedis are going to feel this one.
Leela: Professor. Please. Society is never gonna make any progress until we all learn to pretend to like each other. Now, let's go over there and make these hideous strangers feel welcome.
Professor Farnsworth: No.
This is not a business. I always thought of it more as a cheap source of labor, like a family.
I still don't understand why you wouldn't let me graft a laser cannon on your chest, to crush those who disobey you! But I guess we're just two different people.
Fry: It really puts you in the Christmas mood.
Fry: Christmas! You know, X-M-A-S.
Leela: Oh, you mean "Xmas"! You must be using an archaic pronunciation, like when you say "ask" instead of "axe".
Dear God, they'll be killed on our doorstep! And there's no trash pickup until January 3rd.
Fry: You look different. Did you get a haircut?
Bender: No! I sold my body.
Farnsworth: Sold your body? Oh, Bender, I've been down that road. I know it's glamorous and the parties are great, but you'll end up spending every dollar you make on jewelry and skintight pants.
Bender: Ah, yes! John Quincy Adding Machine. He struck a chord with the voters when he pledged not to go on a killing spree.
Farnsworth: But, like most politicians, he promised more than he could deliver.
Farnsworth: Who are those horrible orange creatures over there?
Glurmo: Why those are the Grunka-Lunkas. They work here in the Slurm factory.
Farnsworth: Tell them I hate them.
Amy: You should try homeopathic medicine, Bender. Try some zinc.
Bender: I'm 40% zinc!
Amy: Then take some echinacea, or St. John's Wort.
Farnsworth: Or a big fat placebo. It's all the same crap!
Good news, everyone! Today you'll be delivering a crate of subpoenas to Sicily 8, the Mob Planet.
Fry: [Testing Professor Farnsworth's Smell-o-Scope] Just don't make me smell Uranus!
Leela: I don't get it.
Farnsworth: I'm sorry, Fry, but astronomers renamed Uranus in 2620 to end that stupid joke once and for all.
Fry: So what's it called now?
Farnsworth: Urrectum. Here, let me locate it for you.
Farnsworth: Good news, everyone!
Bender: Uh-oh, I don't like the sound of that.
Farnsworth: You'll be making a delivery to the planet Trisol.
Bender: Here it comes.
Farnsworth: A mysterious world in the darkest depths of the Forbidden Zone.
Bender: Thank you and goodnight.
Leela: Uh, Professor, are we even allowed in the Forbidden Zone?
Farnsworth: Why, of course! It's just a name! Like the Death Zone or the Zone of No Return. All the zones have names like that in the Galaxy of Terror!
Farnsworth: I'm sorry, Fry, but anchovies went extinct in the 2200s.
Farnsworth: Oh, my, yes. Fished out of existence... just about the time your people arrived on Earth, Dr. Zoidberg.
Zoidberg: I'm not on trial here.
Fry: So, none of you have ever had anchovies? Oh, man! You don't know what you're missing. They were salty and oily and melted in your mouth...
Zoidberg: Okay, okay! I admit it! My people ate them all! We kept saying one more couldn't hurt, and then they were gone! We're sorry!
Fry: I don't get this. Is Blernsball exactly the same as baseball?
Farnsworth: Baseball? God forbid.
Leela: Face it, Fry, baseball was as boring as mom and apple pie.
Fry: It wasn't bori... So, they finally jazzed it up.
He's good, alright. But he's no Clem Johnson. And Johnson played back in the days before steroid injections were mandatory.
[Talking on the phone] Did he at least die painlessly? To shreds, you say. How's his wife holding up? To shreds, You say.
Good news, everyone! I've taught the toaster to feel love!
Amy: [in Farnsworth's body] Oh no! Can we switch back using four or more bodies?
Professor Farnsworth: [in Bender's body] I'm not sure. I'm afraid we need to use... MATH.
I hate these nerds. Just because I'm stupider than them they think they're smarter than me.
Fry: Fetal stem cells? Aren't those controversial?
Professor: In your time, yes, but nowadays—shut up! Besides, these are adult stem cells, harvested from perfectly healthy adults whom I killed for their stem cells.
Professor: Nothing is impossible! Not if you believe in it. That's what being a scientist is all about!
Cubert: No, that's what being a magical elf is all about!
And so we say goodbye to our beloved pet, Nibbler, who's gone to a place where I, too, hope one day to go. The toilet.
Professor Farnsworth: For example, if you killed your grandfather, you'd cease to exist!
Fry: But existing is basically all I do!
Oh, I don't have time for this. I have to go and buy a single piece of fruit with a coupon and then return it, making people wait behind me while I complain.
Oh, I always feared he might run off like this. Why, why, why didn't I break his legs?
It worked! Eat it, everyone who's never won a Nobel's Prize! And that includes you, Amy!
[after being attacked by the video game character Donkey Kong]
Fry: Wait a second. I know that monkey! His name is Donkey.
Professor Farnsworth: Monkeys aren't donkeys. Quit messing with my head!
Announcer: And the winner is number three, in a quantum finish.
Prof. Farnsworth: No fair! You changed the outcome by measuring it!
Fry: I'm impressed. In my time we had no idea Mars had a university.
Professor Farnsworth: That's because then Mars was a uninhabitable wasteland, much like Utah. But unlike Utah, Mars was eventually made livable when the university was founded in 2636.
Professor Farnsworth: But what about your super intelligence?
Gunther: When I had that, it was too much pressure to use it. All I want out of life is to be a monkey of moderate intelligence who wears a suit. Thats why I've decided to transfer to business school.
Professor Farnsworth: Noooooooo!
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