Quotes by Ron Swanson: Parks and Recreation
Chris: I was in charge of the cake. To be fair, it’s not a cake, so much as it is a vegetable loaf. You’ve got your mushrooms, your alfalfa sprouts, spinach, and I added sweetened fruit reduction.
Ron: What did they ask you to bring, a vegetable loaf, or a cake?
Chris: No, a cake. But this is so much healthier.
Ron: So not only does this thing exist, but now you have deprived everyone of cake.
Ron: Why does anybody in the world ever eat anything but breakfast food?
Leslie: People are idiots, Ron.
So you talked to Tammy? What's it like to stare into the eye of Satan's butthole?
Andy: You know when you go to the ATM and get money—is there an actual guy that stands there and gives you money?
Andy: Yeah, those are robots.
Spending the day outside alone sounds like a dream. I love being a father, but there are a few things I miss: silence, the absence of noise, one single moment undisturbed by a children’s tv program called Doc McStuffins.
Veganism is the sad result of a morally corrupt mind. Reconsider your life.
Dear frozen yogurt, you are the celery of desserts. Be ice cream or be nothing. Zero Stars.
Barbecues should be about one thing: good shared meat.
Birthdays were invented by Hallmark to sell cards.
OK, everyone: shut up! And look at me! Welcome to "Visions of Nature." This room has several paintings in it. Some are big, some are small. People did them and they're here now. I believe that after this is over, they'll be hung in government buildings. Why the government is involved in an art show is beyond me. I also think it's pointless for a human to paint scenes of nature when they could just go outside and stand in it. Anyway, please do not misinterpret the fact that I am talking right now as genuine interest in art and attempt to discuss it with me further. End of speech.
I work hard to make sure my department is as small and as ineffective as possible.
Well, I am not usually one for speeches. So, goodbye.
Under my tutelage, you will grow from boys to men. From men into gladiators. And from gladiators into Swansons.
Haircuts, there are three acceptable haircuts: High and tight, crew cut, buzz cut. Are the scissors broken in your house, son?
The less I know about other people's affairs, the happier I am. I'm not interested in caring about people. I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name. Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes.
I am submitting this menu from a Pawnee institution, J.J.'s Diner. Home of the world's best breakfast dish: The Four Horsemeals of the Eggporkalypse.
Leslie: I think we should put Twilight in the time capsule.
Ron: Leslie, no. We don't negotiate with weirdos.
Encapsulate the spirit of melancholy. Easy. Boom, a sad desk. Boom, sad wall. It's art. Anything is anything.
Listen, I've eaten a commissary hamburger for lunch every day for twelve years. I just wanted to make sure this pointless health crusade won't affect the only part of my job that I like.
I just want to get the work over as soon as possible so I can do some fishing. Fishing relaxes me. It's like yoga except I still get to kill something.
Just give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Wait, wait. I'm worried what you just heard was, "Give me a lot of bacon and eggs." What I said was, "Give me all the bacon and eggs you have". Do you understand?
I've been developing the Swanson Pyramid of Greatness for years. It's a perfectly calibrated recipe for maximum personal achievement. Categories include Capitalism: God's way of determining who is smart and who is poor. Crying: acceptable at funerals and the Grand Canyon. Rage. Poise. Property rights. Fish: for sport only, not for meat. Fish meat is practically a vegetable.
I am only here because I owe Leslie a thousand favors. I'm not big on charities. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Don’t teach a man to fish, and you feed yourself. He’s a grown man. Fishing’s not that hard.
Leslie needs to butt out. The whole point of this country is if you want to eat garbage, balloon up to 600 pounds, and die of a heart attack at 43, you can. You are free to do so. To me, that's beautiful.
My idea of a perfect government is one guy who sits in a small room at a desk, and the only thing he's allowed to decide is who to nuke. The man is chosen based on some kind of IQ test, and maybe also a physical tournament, like a decathlon. And women are brought to him, maybe...when he desires them.
I've been quite open about this around the office: I don't want this parks department to build any parks because I don't believe in government. I think that all government is a waste of taxpayer money. My dream is to have the park system privatized and run entirely for profit by corporations, like Chuck E. Cheese. They have an impeccable business model. I would rather work for Chuck E. Cheese.
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