Quotes by Tahani Al-Jamil: The Good Place
Look, all my life this money has been a weight around my neck-- like the Heart of the Ocean necklace my friend James Cameron once gave me.
I have an idea, but it's a little risky. I need you to act as my bodyguard. Like my friend, Kevin Costner, in that movie where he was a bodyguard, "The Bodyguard."
I enjoy American football. I actually dated a player once. But he wasn't my type so I set him up with my friend Gisele... Bundchen.
Tahani: Gosh, you're pretty.
Jason: No, you're pretty. Pretty beautiful.
Could be fun. I once played a drinking game with Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively at their macrobiotic farm with a particularly robust batch of homemade kombucha.
Magazine Reporter: Who would you say is the most famous person in your phone?
Tahani: It's not about who you know. Enlightenment comes from within. The Dalai Lama texted me that.
We can do this, but we must remain emotionless. I'm talking Kristen Stewart on a red carpet level of emotionless here, alright?
Who else feels that Eleanor has ruined every moment of your existence since you arrived?
I am an expert at mediating conflict. Like when my friends Scary, Sporty, Posh, and Baby had an issue with my other friend Archbishop Desmond Tutu.
Eleanor: What's this show called again?
Tahani: Deirdre and Margaret. It ran for sixteen years on the BBC. They did nearly thirty episodes.
Right now I'm just a girl, towering over a boy, asking him to admit he loves me.
Anyone up for a a little icebreaker? You know, I once did trust falls with Barry Diller and it was the beginning of a lifelong friendship.
Eleanor: The little voice in your head sounds like the old lady from "Downton Abbey?"
Tahani: Oh, yeah, sorry. Maggie Smith is my godmother.
Tahani: What is this place?
Michael: It's just a place. You know, an area or location. It's pretty straightforward.
I also dabbled in some other professions. I was a model, a museum curator, an "It Girl," and... oh, I was Baz Luhrmann's muse for a while. That was quite fun.
Quvenzhané Wallis and Stephen Hawking in the same room discussing me? Guess they must've made up.
You know, sometimes a flaw can make something even more beautiful. Like with Cindy Crawford and how short she is.
You know, I haven't been this upset since my good friend Taylor was rudely upstaged by my other friend, Kanye, who was defending my best friend, Beyoncé.
That roast was the meanest thing I've ever seen and I once saw a waiter bring Russell Crowe the wrong tea.
I should have seen this coming. No one can ever truly turn over a new leaf. Sure, Ben Affleck told me he'd matured as an artist after he directed Argo, but then, right on schedule, it was "Guess what, Tahani! I'm going to be Batman!".
Eleanor: You guys came to say goodbye because you're my friends.
Tahani: Well, I suppose some part of me possibly has a sense of casual kinship with you, much as one might be fond of a street cat.
You know, one of my shyest friends, I won't say his name to preserve his privacy, but he found my presence so comforting that he asked me to co-host his his TV show, Anderson Cooper 360.
Tahani: Michael, you mustn't blame yourself.
Michael: I'm not. I blame you.
Tahani: By the way, uh, what's your favorite color for the tablecloths?
Michael: Well, it's not perceptible by human eyes. It's called pleurigloss.
Tahani: Could you describe it?
Michael: It's the color of... when a soldier comes home from war and sees his dog for the first time.
Tahani: How about blue?
I would say I outdid myself, but I'm always this good. So I simply did myself.
I died…in Cleveland?!
Tahani: I belong in The Good Place. The real one with the good people. Who do I speak to about correcting this?
Michael: Me. And you’re wrong.
Tahani: I would like to speak to your manager.
Michael: Yes, there is a potential method of transportation.
Tahani: Is it nice? Is there business class? Can I preboard?
Tahani: Oh, this is silly. So "Tahani" means "congratulations" in Arabic. And "Al-Jamil" means "beautiful," so my full name all together means-
Eleanor: "Congratulations, Beautiful."
Tahani: Thanks, Eleanor. You big flirt.
Jason: Back in Jacksonville, I was in charge of a 60-person dance crew. Whenever we auditioned a new dancer, we would rate them in five categories: dancing ability, coolness, dopeness, freshness, and smart-brained. I would give you an eight in every category.
Tahani: Well, eight isn't bad, I suppose.
Jason: No, no, eight is the best! It was a scale of one to thirteen but eight is highest. The scale went up and then back down like a tent.
Don't mind me. I'm just dropping off my afternoon gloves and picking up my early evening gloves.
Tomás: Are you alright, my dear?
Tahani: Yes! It's just that I'm not used to dressing like a plumberess. Is that what you call a female plumber or is a toilet sweep or, or clog wench? In any case, that's how I'm dressed.
Tomás: My darling, you are in the Good Place. Relax. Feel the breeze on your feet. That's why crocs have holes in them!
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