Recently Added Quotes
Liz: Why are you wearing a tux?
Jack: It's after six. What am I, a farmer?
What do you mean I don't have an obituary? I'm Jenna Maroney. I played Arts & Literature in the film adaptation of Trivial Pursuit.
Tracy: I'm embarrassed to say I've missed the birth of both of my sons, for very legitimate reasons.
Dot Com: "Cooking a French bread pizza" and "forgot".
Liz: I am a grown woman! I have been doing things my way for a long time. I don't like my "life stuff" mixing with my "dude stuff."
Jack: A middle-aged woman saying "dude stuff," is that on my sadness scavenger hunt? Why yes it is!
I've seen a blind guy bite a police horse! A puppy committed suicide after he saw our bathroom! I once bit into a burrito and there was a child's shoe in it! I've seen a hooker eat a tire! A pack of wild dogs took over and successfully ran a Wendy’s. The sewer people stole my skateboard! The projects I lived in were named after Zachary Taylor - generally considered to be one of the worst Presidents of all time! I once saw a baby give another baby a tattoo ... they were very drunk.
Just embrace the fact that you are lucky enough to be a happily married man. I mean, I'm actually jealous of you. You've got stability, a great marriage, devoted kids. You know what I have? A Sims family that keeps getting murdered.
Weird... in a good way. Like going to the gym drunk.
Mr. Baker wants to do everything for himself. I feel about as useless as a mom's college degree.
Good God, Lemon, your breath! When did you find time to eat a diaper you found on the beach?
A book hasn't caused me this much trouble since Where's Waldo went to that barber pole factory.
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