Tom Haverford

20 quotes.

Quoted in: Parks and Recreation

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Quotes by Tom Haverford: Parks and Recreation

Justin is hip. Pawnee is the opposite of hip. People in this town are just now getting into Nirvana. I don't have the heart to tell them what's going to happen to Kurt Cobain in 1994.


I have never taken the high road. But I tell other people to 'cause then there's more room for me on the low road.


Tom: Watch the master work it, I am the Yoda of networking.
Ben: Well Yoda wouldn't actually need networking, his powers were more spiritual.
Tom: Shut up you nerd!


Tom: It's almost too easy.
Ben: I can hear you.
Tom: I know you can Ben, that's how easy it is.


Tom: I feel like you're embarrassed by me.
Ann: That is accurate.


Ben: What's your new company?
Tom: We specialize in making stacks on stacks on stacks on stacks.


Ben, stop! This is like listening to a Ted Talk by the color beige!


Chris: I know that Ron doesn't want us to eat anything before the meat, but I smuggled in some candy.
Tom: Oh, thank God, I'm starving. Raisins?!?
Chris: It's nature's candy! Now, they're basically grapes, so remember to pace yourself. [eats them all] I can't even follow my own advice. So delicious!


Tom: Man, I'm hungry and my legs are tired. Yuck. It feels like I just exercised.
Jerry: Just sit on the ground.
Tom: No, Jerry. It's dirty and I'm wearing my summer linens!


Tom: Hey man, what'd the doc say? Everything OK?
Chris: The tests and blood work came back, and the news is terrible. They found... nothing.
Tom: Nothing?
Chris: Nothing: The silent killer.


See, I never promise Leslie anything. That way I never disappoint her. I try to be considerate.


For my item I chose a picture of my ex-girlfriend, Lucy, with a mustache drawn on her face and stink lines coming off her, because she stinks!


She broke up with me. Didn't really tell me why. Luckily when you're the guy you can just tell people she's crazy. "Hey, Tom, I heard you and Lucy broke up." "Yeah, man. Turns out, she's crazy." That's what they always do on Entourage.


Am I team Edward? Yes. Do I share his concerns about turning Bella, though? Absolutely not.


Ben: Should we throw in some salads for a healthy option?
Tom: Wow, don't be such a Jerry, Ben.
Leslie: Yeah, Ben. These guys are cops. Not ballerinas.


Leslie: Calzones are like pizzas but they're harder to eat. They're dumb. And so was that idea.
Ben: Seriously?
Tom: This is embarrassing for you.


Chris: Man, you are just knocking these off. You're like a ninja crossed with a Jedi or something.
Tom: You're like a nerd mixed with a dork or something.
Chris: Tom, Star Wars is not that nerdy.


'Zerts are what I call desserts. Tray-trays are entrees. I call sandwiches sammies, sandoozles, or Adam Sandlers. Air conditioners are cool blasterz, with a z. I don't know where that came from. I call cakes big ol' cookies. I call noodles long-ass rice. Fried chicken is fry-fry chicky-chick. Chicken parm is chicky chicky parm parm. Chicken cacciatore? Chicky catch. I call eggs pre-birds, or future birds. Root beer is super water. Tortillas are bean blankies. And I call forks...food rakes.


Andy: Let me explain something to you, Tweep. When you're in a situation, you don't have time to think. So I thought to myself, "Don't think, Andy. Act."
Tom: So you weren't thinking.
Andy: Not at all. I cannot emphasize enough how little I was thinking.


On a scale from one to Chris Brown, how pissed off is he?

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