The Office (US)

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A fresh and funny mockumentary-style glimpse into the daily interactions of the eccentric workers at the Dunder Mifflin paper supply company. This fast-paced comedy parodies contemporary American water-cooler culture.

Quotes from The Office (US)

I've been involved in a number of cults, both as a leader and a follower. You have more fun as a follower, but you make more money as a leader.

Michael: Snack time! It’s the witching hour. It is the sandwiching hour.
Phyllis: What kind of sandwiches?
Michael: PB&J. My mom's recipe.

Did I want to be made manager? Sure. A great opportunity squandered? Absolutely. A crushing blow? Yes. Will I get over it? ... No. But life goes on ... not for me.

Guess what? I have flaws. What are they? Oh I dunno, I sing in the shower? Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I'll hit somebody with my car. So sue me-- no, don't sue me. That is opposite the point I'm trying to make.

I DECLARE BANKRUPTCY!

Look, I know the reason that you guys became accountants is 'cause you're not good at interacting with people. But guess what? From now on, you guys are no longer losers. So gives yourselves a round of applause.

The only difference between me and a homeless man is this job. I will do whatever it takes to survive... like I did when I was a homeless man.

William Doolittle at your service. A.K.A. Will Do.

Every week, I'm supposed to take four hours and do a quality spot-check at the paper mill. And of course the one year I blow it off, this happens.

[Jim sits down, dressed as Dwight]
Jim: Question: What kind of bear is best?
Dwight: That's a ridiculous question.
Jim: False. Black bear.
Dwight: That's debatable. There are basically two schools of thought...
Jim: Fact: Bears eat beets. Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica.

With the electricity we're using to keep Meredith alive, we could power a small fan for two days. You tell me what's unethical.

I'm not superstitious, but I'm a little stitious.

Do I need to be liked? Absolutely not. I like to be liked. I enjoy being liked. I have to be liked. But it's not like this compulsive need to be liked, like my need to be praised.

I love my employees, even though I hit one of you with my car.

So Ryan got promoted to corporate, where he is a little fish in a big pond, whereas back here at Scranton, I am still top dog in a fairly large pond. So who is the real boss? The dog... or a fish?

It was never my intention to ruin a life. But you know what? Sometimes, you just gots to get your freak on.

Andy Bernard. Pros: he's classy. He gets me. He went to Cornell. I trust him. Cons: I don't really trust him.

What happens to a company if somebody takes a boss away? I will answer your question with a question. It's like, what happens to a chicken when you take its head away? It dies. Unless you find a new head. I need to see which one of these people have the skills to be a chicken head.

There's a wishing fountain at the mall. And I threw a coin in for every woman in the world and made a wish. I wished for Jan to get over me, I wished for Phyllis a plasma TV, I wished for Pam to gain courage, I wished for Angela a heart, and for Kelly a brain...

Once I'm officially regional manager, my first order of business will be to demote Jim Halpert. So I will need a new number two. My ideal choice? Jack Bauer. But he is unavailable. Fictional. And overqualified.

Last year, Creed asked me how to set up a blog. Wanting to protect the world from being exposed to Creed's brain, I opened up a Word document on his computer and put an address at the top. I've read some of it. Even for the Internet, it's... pretty shocking.

Dwight: Don't you want to earn Schrute bucks?
Stanley: No. In fact, I'll give you a billion Stanley nickels if you never talk to me again.
Dwight: What's the ratio of Stanley nickels to Schrute bucks?
Stanley: The same as the ratio of unicorns to leprechauns.

I am a great interviewee. Why? Because I have something no one else has: my brain. Which I use to my advantage... when advantageous.

I learned from Jim, if Dwight ever asks you if you accept something secret, you reply, "absolutely I do."

Michael: Here's the thing. Chili's is the new golf course. It's where business happens. Small Business Man Magazine.
Jan: It said that?
Michael: It will. I sent it in. Letter to the editor.

Would I rather be feared or loved? Umm... easy, both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.

When I was Ryan's age, I worked in a fast food restaurant to save up money for school. And then I lost it in a pyramid scheme, but I learned more about business right then and there than business school would ever teach me - or Ryan would ever teach me.

A 30-year mortgage at Michael's age essentially means that he's buying a coffin. If I were buying my coffin, I would get one with thicker walls so I couldn't hear the other dead people.

Right now this is just a job. If I advance any higher in this company, this would be my career. And, uh, if this were my career, I'd have to throw myself in front of a train.

Dwight: Through concentration, I can raise and lower my cholesterol at will.
Pam: Why would you want to raise your cholesterol?
Dwight: So I can lower it.

In the wild, there is no health care. In the wild, health care is, 'Ow, I hurt my leg. I can't run. A lion eats me. I'm dead.' Well, I'm not dead. I'm the lion. You're dead.

Toby: Actually, I didn't think it was appropriate to invite children, since it's uh, you know, there's gambling and alcohol, it's in our dangerous warehouse, it's a school night, and you know, Hooter's is catering, and is that- is that enough? Should I keep going?
Michael: Why are you the way that you are? Honestly, every time I try to do something fun, or exciting, you make it... not that way. I hate... so much about the things that you choose to be.

Hey, no...no. AIDS is not funny. Believe me, I've tried. There are certain topics that are off-limits to comedians. The Holocaust. JFK. The Lincoln assassination just recently became funny. "I need to see this play like I need a hole in the head." And I hope to one day live in a world where someone can tell a hilarious AIDS joke. It's one of my dreams.

Mr. Brown: At Diversity Today, we believe it's very easy to be a hero. All you need are honesty, empathy, respect, and open-mindedness.
Dwight: Uh, excuse me? I'm sorry, but that's not all it takes to be a hero.
Mr. Brown: Great, well, what is a hero to you?
Dwight: A hero kills people, people that wish him harm. A hero is part human and part supernatural. A hero is born out of a childhood trauma, or out of a disaster, that must be avenged.
Mr. Brown: Uh, you're thinking of a superhero.

Abraham Lincoln once said that "If you are a racist, I will attack you with the North," and those are the principles I carry with me in the workplace.

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